by Andy Simmons
There, a reader who occupies a small closet-like office in a building near the parking lot and drinks from a Star Wars mug reads it and condenses it to about a page and a half. Finally, because this is a prestigious producer, it wends its way through numerous assistants and production vice presidents, and, on the big day, the producer arrives to meet the head of the studio.
The headman, who hasn’t read the screenplay or the condensed version but does know who has been suggested for the leading roles, because that’s more important than the script, says, “Hugh Jackman is in the dumper. Angelina’s fine, and the kids like Jack Black. We want Brad Pitt for the guy and Ashton Kutcher for the girl’s kid brother.”
The producer doesn’t remember that there is a kid brother, but he’s on a roll, so why argue? He agrees to the casting.
“And,” says the head of the studio, “we want Steven Spielberg to direct. We’ve already contacted him, and he says as long as you stay off the set, he’ll do it.”
The producer then negotiates his own deal, taking an exceedingly large piece of the pie, flies to Bimini, where his yacht has been moored for the winter, and for the next six months sails around the Greek islands with Britney Spears and her mother.
The picture is made and released, is a huge hit, and garners no Oscar nominations. The producer makes millions, leaves his yacht in Greece, flies back to America, and buys another one.
That’s what a producer does.
At least, that’s what I’m told.
Make It Stop!!
Know what grates on my nerves? Grown adults using the word “awesome” for every occasion.
“Uncle Louie survived a heart attack.”
“Awesome!”
“Uncle Louie cut his toenails.”
“Awesome!”
When did this word come to dominate the English language alongside such stalwarts as and, the, but, and fracking?
Of course, sharing pet peeves is more fun than keeping them to ourselves. So to that end, I’ve called on a few fellow curmudgeons to drive a stake through the heart of our more loathsome fads. These novelists, business owners, humorists, and even our own magazine readers cover the gamut of peeved to pissed off. But they all have one thing in common…they’re awesome!
Technology
AN INTIMATE KNOWLEDGE OF SOMEONE ELSE’S MULTIPLE E-MAIL ACCOUNTS
Now that people have several e-mail addresses, they expect you to keep track of them all. “Oh, you sent that to my AOL account? But I only check that on alternate Sundays. You should have sent it to my Mac e-mail or my Gmail. No wonder I didn’t get back to you.” This is even more maddening when all you’ve done is replied to the address from which the e-mail was sent!
—WILL SCHWALBE, EDITOR OF THINKBEFOREYOUSEND.COM
CALLER ID
Technology is ruining everything. In particular, it’s gotten rid of the unexpected call from out of the blue. You know what I’m talking about, right? You’re in a horrible mood; the telephone rings. You don’t know whether to pick it up. You’re imagining it’s that stupid Elizabeth person who always calls you because she is so bored at her job and wants you to entertain her, so you almost don’t pick it up. But you do. And it’s a stranger telling you something that totally changes your mood, your day, maybe your life.
My God, the total exciting transformation of the call from out of the blue. There is so little magic in adult life. This was one of the few true magical things that could happen to you. But now with caller ID and e-mails and texts, you know exactly who is trying to contact you and what he or she wants. And most tragically, there is no unfamiliar voice at the other end who says your name with a questioning tone. Maybe this never happened to you. But there was always the chance that it could.
—BRUCE ERIC KAPLAN WROTE FOR SEINFELD, AND PUT OUT A BOOK OF CARTOONS CALLED I LOVE YOU, I HATE YOU, I’M HUNGRY
TECHNOLOGY THAT’S TOO SMART FOR MY OWN GOOD
Message to iTunes: Okay, my recent nostalgia for the ’70s got the best of me, and I downloaded a Dan Fogelberg song or two. Now my suggested download list is wearing a fringed coat and sporting sideburns that could keep a small family warm. I really don’t want Bread’s Greatest Hits or rare Jim Croce outtakes. It’s as if my purchases of Green Day and the Arctic Monkeys were erased from your memory. Please, my trip to the ’70s was supposed to be a brief visit, not a never-ending journey into the mellow.
—ANDREW ALEXANDER, EXECUTIVE PRODUCER OF THE SECOND CITY COMEDY THEATER
Jargon
“JUST SAYIN’”
They’re two little words innocuous enough on their own, though together they are poison. Just sayin’ is the Hummel Lil’ Rascal of figures of speech, harmless until you look closer and see the slingshot in his back pocket. The way it’s used is in the form of a pulled punch. “No one above the age of seven should be seen chewing gum. Just sayin’.” “My boss smells like a brewery. Just sayin’.” It’s like a coy kicking of the dirt. “I’m going to say something offensive, but by adding these two words, I won’t have to take responsibility for it.”
—JULIE KLAM, AUTHOR OF YOU HAD ME AT WOOF
“SOME LOVE”
Where’s the love? Lately, everywhere: “Vegan Diets Get Some Love.” “Historic Windows Get Some Love.”
Love preceded by some doth not always run smooth: “I have to quit being so teed off before I give him some love,” a fan wrote of former Arizona Cardinals wide receiver Anquan Boldin. And we’re all being told to love on demand: “Call Henry Waxman’s office and give him some love!” Sorry, I don’t know the congressman well enough. When love is reduced to little more than a verbal thumbs-up, I’ll settle for some like.
—LESLIE SAVAN, AUTHOR OF SLAM DUNKS AND NO-BRAINERS
Parenting
YOONEEK BABY NAMES
I’m talking to you, Madysyn, and you, Aadinn, and you, too, Makayla. Or rather, your parents. This effort to be more kre8tiv by taking a perfectly okay name and contorting it with extra letters and strange substitutes only condemns your poor child to a lifetime of respelling her name, explaining its derivation, and assuring people that, yes, her parents really do in most cases know how to spell.
Most annoying of all, these bizarre spellings don’t do anything to change the name’s pronunciation or specialness, so Madysyn in the end is really just plain old Madison. So why change the spelling in the first place? That’s right: just to be annoying.
—PAMELA REDMOND SATRAN, COAUTHOR OF THE BABY NAME BIBLE
Food and Drink
SERVICE WITH A DOLLOP OF AIR
Why are restaurant menus enumerating the pedigree of every ingredient in a dish, as well as its preparation method, infused with a few ultra-foodie terms just in case you weren’t confused enough?
You won’t see broiled pork chops on a menu. Instead, it’s Organic Heritage Pennsylvania Center-Cut Pork Loin Chop Broiled à la Plancha with a Soubise of Toy Box Tomatoes, Hydroponic Watercress, Micro Arugula, accompanied by a Nougatine of Spring Onions, garnished with a Daikon Escabèche, topped with Prune Essence and Juniper Foam. Want fries with that?
—KATIE WORKMAN, EDITOR IN CHIEF OF COOKSTR.COM
IT’S BACON!
Don’t you think bacon is a little too pleased with itself these days? This breakfast food, which began life humbly on the belly of a pig, has lately made its uppity way into all sorts of products. There’s bacon air freshener, bacon mints, bacon beer, gummy bacon, bacon lip balm, bacon-flavored envelopes, bacon soap, bacon lollipops, bacon gum balls, bacon mayonnaise, bacon popcorn, bacon chocolate, maple bacon coffee. And should any of the above get stuck in your teeth, you can clean it out with bacon-flavored floss.
Actually, it’s not bacon I hate. I hate the people who tell me, bursting with naughty pride, how they gobble up their favorite source of saturated fat by the pound. Big deal—so you’re not a health foodie. Want to truly impress me with your reckless daring? How about trying a headcheese smoothie?
—PATRICIA MARX, AUTHOR OF HIM H
ER HIM AGAIN: THE END OF HIM
Media
TELEVISION BANNER ADS
As a TV writer, I almost never watch TV. And one reason is those big banner ads that scroll across the bottom of the screen, interrupting a show I want to see to promote a show I never want to see. If I’m watching something about Charlemagne, do I need to know about an all-new season of American Chopper?
These banner ads cover up subtitles in foreign films and obscure key clues on mystery shows. And once, during the somber classic film Saving Private Ryan, a Day-Glo green banner unfurled featuring the capering cast of Uncle Fatso’s Family. And I wondered, Who are you people? And what are you doing in Occupied France?
—MIKE REISS, A FOUNDING WRITER OF THE SIMPSONS
Manners
“SHOULD I FLUSH?”
It boggles my mind that anyone thinks it’s okay to talk on a cell phone in a public restroom. Standing next to a man who is talking while conducting his business on and off the phone is disconcerting enough and invites the question, “Do I flush?”
But can you imagine being on the other end of the call? Don’t make them ask, “Where are you?” Avoid the unpleasantness: Table your talk until far from the toilet.
—PETER POST, DIRECTOR OF THE EMILY POST INSTITUTE
“HUH?”
We’ve changed the motto of the United States.
“Huh?” you say.
And you’re right. “Huh?” is the nation’s new rallying cry. Ladies say “huh?” Gentlemen say “huh?” Children say “huh?” to everything. You could tell my children that their Crocs are on fire and they’d say, “Huh?”
Once it would have been “pardon me” or “come again” or “sorry, Daddy, I didn’t hear what you said.” Now it’s the dull, uncouth, distracted “huh?” This is the result of the dull, uncouth distractions of modern life. People are constantly staring at something other than the person speaking to them—a laptop, BlackBerry, video game, Kindle, text message—and wearing iPod earbuds and talking on a cell phone, too. The cell phone conversation goes like this: Person with cell phone pauses slack-jawed, says, “Huh?” and then pauses while something is said again. He now says something, waits for the corresponding “huh?” and repeats himself.
In 1956, Congress changed the motto of the United States to “In God We Trust” because nobody knew what the old motto meant anymore. America’s original motto, appearing on the Great Seal of the United States since 1782, was “e pluribus unum” (“one out of many”) or, as we might say today, “e pluribus huh?”
—P. J. O’ROURKE, AUTHOR OF DON’T VOTE—IT JUST ENCOURAGES THE BASTARDS
Relationships
E-LATIONSHIPS
I’m going to do it this time: I’m breaking up with “e-lationships,” those text/e-mail/instant messaging–only relationships. The last guy I connected with online seemed promising. He sent me several lengthy e-mails and then asked for my phone number. All good. Until the texting started.
In short order, he cycled through infatuation, obsession, jealousy, and annoyance…without ever talking to me on the phone! Needless to say, not a match.com made in heaven.
—JENNIFER WORICK, COAUTHOR OF THE WORST-CASE SCENARIO SURVIVAL HANDBOOK: DATING AND SEX
TOO MANY KODAK MOMENTS
There’s nothing wrong with sharing photos of your children with family and friends. But must you send all five hundred in your memory card? Remember the moral of Jurassic Park: Just because you’re technologically able to do something doesn’t mean it’s a good idea.
—RAQUEL D’APICE, COMEDIAN
Entertainment
THE DEMISE OF THE LAUGH TRACK
Whatever happened to the sitcom laugh track? Sure, shows seem edgier without one, but not all of us are very good at guessing when to laugh. Watching a laugh-track-less sitcom these days is like trying to solve a mystery. You know there are clues; you just wish that one of them was the sound of prerecorded laughter.
—SHAP SWEENEY, CREATIVE DIRECTOR OF THE HUMOR WEBSITE COMEDYSMACK.COM
THE SHAKY CAM
Some directors want to put us in the middle of the action by using fast-moving, handheld cameras. I got that. But it’s literally making me sick. I get nauseated when cameras move so fast that the smackdowns in movies like Batman Begins and Quantum of Solace are just one big blur. If I really wanted to feel like I was in a fight, I’d go pick one.
—MATT ATCHITY, EDITOR OF ROTTENTOMATOES.COM, A FILM-REVIEW SITE
PERSONAL SCREENS ON AIRPLANES
I love having a TV set embedded in the seat back in front of me during a long flight, but touch screens? With games that require a lot of tapping? Get seated in front of a gamer and it feels like your chair has a built-in woodpecker. Even someone who can’t decide on a movie to watch can tap you into insanity on a long flight.
—DOUG LANSKY, AUTHOR OF THE TITANIC AWARDS: CELEBRATING THE WORST OF TRAVEL
Ten Trends We’d Like to See
“Pull up your pants,” “pay it forward,” and please—please!—“put shopping carts back where they belong.” I asked our readers what fads they would like to see take hold. Those topped the list. But they didn’t stop there:
Say “you’re welcome” instead of “no problem,” which implies it might have been a problem.
—PATRICIA B., CHANNAHON, ILLINOIS
A universal hand signal for poor drivers that means, “Sorry, I’m an idiot.”
—LAURA M., ST. LOUIS, MISSOURI
An understanding among voters that a negative political ad will disqualify that candidate.
—DOUG M., TUPELO, MISSISSIPPI
Allow pro golfers to wear shorts in PGA tournaments.
—DAVID G., MOLINE, ILLINOIS
Subject-verb agreement.
—JUDY G., ATLANTA, GEORGIA
People getting along as well as dogs do at the dog park.
—BRYANT H., HUNTSVILLE, ALABAMA
More inviting, user-friendly porches.
—DR. BOB L., OGDENSBURG, NEW YORK
Less Facebook, more face time. Cherish the people, not their personal Internet accounts.
—MERCY S., BINGHAMTON, NEW YORK
People discussing topics other than sports and home renovations. Something—anything!—deeper than scores and drywall.
—GINA B., JOPPA, MARYLAND
I just want my cat to stop stepping on my head while I’m trying to sleep.
—EILEEN E., FIELDSBORO, NEW JERSEY
A Q&A with the King of Ha-Has, Andy Simmons
BY ANDY SIMMONS
Andy Simmons: I just want to say, Mr. Simmons, that we’re huge fans of yours here at Reader’s Digest and that you’re much better looking in person than in print.
Andy Simmons: Thank you, Mr. Simmons.
AS: Looking back on your long, remarkable career, you’ve interviewed just about every important humorist there is. Did anyone ever say your questions were stupid?
AS: One: Don Rickles. It was right after he told me a story about how he and Dean Martin were sneaking drinks backstage at President Reagan’s inaugural bash before going on, even after Frank Sinatra told them not to.
AS: Why did Rickles get upset?
AS: I asked him if the booze helped his performance. He responded by calling me a dummy, insisting my wife was an idiot for marrying me, and even threatened to come over to my house and smack me around. Getting insulted by Don Rickles? It doesn’t get any better than that.
AS: Who was the nicest person?
AS: They’re all nice. If not, I’ll write something nasty about them. I’m very petty. But I will say that Bob Newhart was extremely pleasant. I interviewed him for our advice issue. The topic was how to be funnier. These were his three tips:
Know thy audience. “Your audience will tell you where to go. One time I happened to use the word denigrate onstage, and it didn’t get any reaction. So as I continued my act, the left side of my brain was fast-forwarding to see if I had any other big words coming up.”
Follow t
he signposts. “I used to do this routine: ‘Let’s be honest, guys. We’ve all done this—the wife’s out of the house and the kids are gone, so you go into her dressing room and put on one of her gowns and walk around the house. We’ve all done that, right, guys?’ And based on how soon they began to laugh, that told me what kind of audience I had.”
The world is weird—embrace it! “I saw something in the paper that was so odd, it was hysterical: They assassinated the minister of tourism in Afghanistan. What threat did he represent? And how busy could he have been? A phone call every couple of months? A newlywed couple saying, ‘We’ve argued about this long enough. Let’s flip a coin—Paris or Kabul?’”
AS: Another sweetheart is Dolly Parton. She exudes sunshine, although she denies it.
Dolly Parton: “People say to me, ‘You always seem so happy. Are you really that happy?’ I say, ‘Hell no, nobody’s that happy. That’s Botox.’”
AS: You’re recognized in the business for being pretty lazy. What was your easiest interview?
AS: Jerry Stiller and Ann Meara. I could have left the tape recorder going, gone to a Mets game, come back, and they’d still be talking over each other. Here’s a snippet that was left out of our interview:
STILLER: We decided [in the ’70s] that being a Las Vegas act was getting tough mainly because we had two kids.
MEARA: Amy and Ben.
STILLER: What are you going to do? Put them in school in Vegas? You know what Vegas is today? You should have seen what it was then.
MEARA: I think the Mormons have taken over or something.
STILLER: No, it was not the Mormons. It was just that they cleaned up the town, and the prostitutes had to leave, and then…