by Jamie Hill
Dr. Martin interrupted him. "Natalie's not on birth control? She indicated she was."
"No, she's not." He stomped around the room. "I am, for Christ's sake, but not her."
She made a note in Natalie's chart. "Is there any chance she could have been pregnant before today?"
"No."
She looked at him. "Are you sure? Condoms aren't 100%, you know."
He frowned back at her. "She had her period last week."
"Okay. Well, hopefully she'll have another one in a couple more weeks, and we can rule that out."
"I can't believe we have to rule it in," he said in disbelief.
"We're just being cautious. Why don't you go to Natalie now? She said that she'd like to take a shower before she goes home. I can get a nurse to help her."
"I'll help her," Dean announced. "Come on, Alex. Let's go to her."
He looked at the doctor. "Thank you for everything."
She nodded. "My office number is on there. Call and set up an appointment for her to come see me in two weeks. And consider that counseling. It'll make all the difference in the world regarding the way she feels about herself."
He nodded, and walked behind Dean to see his wife.
The sisters were hugging when he walked in. They both obviously tried not to cry, but cried anyway. "Did he tell you?" Natalie asked Dean.
"It's all right." Dean rubbed a hand through Nat's hair. "I know. And we're going to get through this."
"I feel like I've been raped twice," Natalie muttered. "The doctor went over every inch of my body with a little comb, while a policewoman stood over her shoulder and watched."
"They had to do that." Dean held Natalie's cheek in her hand. "When they catch this creep, they'll want to make sure he's the right creep before I rip his heart out. Or maybe, another body part, using something quite sharp."
"Stand in line," Alex added.
"You can hold him down." Dean frowned as if she were plotting the attack in her mind.
The nurse returned. "There's a shower down the hall. Let me show you."
"Yeah, I want to shower." Natalie stood and tightened the hospital gown she was wearing.
"I'm coming with you," Dean offered.
"No, I can do it," Natalie protested weakly.
"Let her help you." Alex handed the pile of clean clothes to Dean and touched his wife's chin. "I'll be right here, waiting to take you home, sweetheart."
"Okay." Natalie nodded, and the nurse led her and Dean down the hall.
Alex dropped into the only chair in the room and let his head fall into his hands.
Natalie and Dean returned in twenty minutes, ready to leave. "Nat has decided to come home with me," Dean told Alex. "She thinks it might be easier—"
"Absolutely not!" he replied angrily. "Nat is my wife! She needs to be with me tonight, and every night, for that matter." He held an arm out to Natalie. "Come on sweetheart. We're going home."
"I don't know." She looked tired and confused.
"Well, I do know. Come on." He took her arm and gave Dean a dirty look.
"But Dean…" Natalie trailed off.
"Dean can stay the night with us, if you like. But we're going to our home."
She nodded and looked around. "They took my coat."
"Okay." He removed his jacket and put it on her. He led her to the door. "We'll get you a new one. A better one. Another early Christmas present."
Natalie looked into his eyes. He'd never seen a more haunted look in his life. "There won't be a Christmas this year. There may never be another Christmas again."
He got her settled on the sofa at home, while Dean made some soup for her to eat.
"Wouldn't you rather go to bed?" Alex asked.
"No, the sofa is better," Natalie insisted.
He gave her the pills she needed and helped her eat a few bites of soup. Before she could finish, she dashed to the bathroom and threw up.
"Nat, let me in," Alex called through the bathroom door.
"No! I'm sick, for goodness sake. You don't need to be in here."
"Then you need to look in the toilet and see if you threw up your pills or not."
"Well, that's just gross."
"They won't help you if you throw them up. Try to look."
He heard disgusted muttering and then, "I don't see anything except noodles."
She's joking. It's a start. He joked back. "Soup, mmm, mmm good!"
"Oh lord," he heard her moan, and could tell she was trying not to laugh. "I'm going to take another shower. I can't seem to get clean."
"Want some help?"
"No!"
He spoke quietly but firmly through the door. "Please quit acting like I'm going to jump your bones every time you turn around. I have slightly more self-control than that. I'm just trying to help."
"I know," she answered softly.
"I could send Dean in."
"No, really, I'm fine. I just want to stand under the nozzle until the hot water is gone."
"Okay. See you in a minute and a half, then."
Alex heard her chuckle, and he walked back out to the kitchen. He was still miffed at Dean for trying to convince Natalie to go back to her mother's house, but this wasn't the time for an argument. She was cleaning up the kitchen, and he let her.
Natalie settled back on the sofa after her shower. Alex sat on the floor next to her, and Dean curled up in the easy chair. They talked for a while and flipped through the TV channels until Nat fell asleep. Alex ran a hand through her hair and covered her with a blanket.
Dean continued to flip through the channels with the sound muted.
Alex looked at her and said quietly, "Please don't try to take her away from me."
Dean gazed at him. "What do you mean?"
"You wanted to take her home to your mother. I need her here with me."
"Is that what Nat needs, Alex? Or are you only thinking of yourself?"
"Of course I'm thinking of Nat. She loves me. She needs to be here, where I can remind her that most men are not like the creep she ran into today. And one man, in particular, loves her more than life itself."
She stared at him with an almost bewildered expression. "You do, don't you?"
"Of course I do. I've never kept that a secret."
Dean shut off the TV, and the room got dark. The glow of the street lamp outside gradually illuminated their faces. "I've always been a little jealous of her, you know."
"I know. You used to make me nervous."
"Well, as you told me once, brother-in-law, don't flatter yourself. I was never after you. I guess I wanted what she had. I mean, I've been with lots more men than Nat has, but no one, not one of them, ever looked at me the way you look at her." She sighed. "I wanted that."
"I really, really love her," Alex said simply.
"She feels the same way," Dean acknowledged. "Before your wedding, while you were standing at the altar, I gave her one last chance to bolt out the back door with me. She looked at me like I was crazy. And I figured out, I was always running away from something. She was running toward something. And she was the happiest I'd ever seen her. She still is."
"Was," he corrected. "Until this."
Dean reached out and ran a hand through his hair. "She'll get through this. You'll show her how."
"I'm afraid." Alex broke down, and buried his face in his knees.
Dean leaned over and hugged his neck, resting her head on his shoulder. "You'll figure it out."
It was midnight when Natalie woke up screaming. Alex, startled awake, pulled her into his arms. "It's okay, baby. I'm here. I've got you."
"I hate this!" she wailed. "I hate feeling like this!" Tears flooded down her face.
"I know." He held her firmly, and rocked her slowly back and forth until she was calmer. "It sucks, it totally sucks."
Dean squirmed from her chair. She sat up and yawned. "This chair is what sucks, to sleep in, anyway."
Alex chuckled. "The floor is no picnic, either."
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Natalie swiped at her eyes and murmured, "The sofa isn't much better. Dean, go home. I'm going to let my husband take me to bed and hold me. I should have done that from the start."
Dean stood up. She leaned down and kissed the top of Natalie's head. "Call me tomorrow. I'll bring mom over and we can talk to her together." She ruffled Alex's hair. "All of us." She slipped on her shoes and jacket.
Natalie nodded and Alex smiled. "Thanks, Na-dine. You're a good egg."
"Slightly cracked," she quipped, and let herself out.
Alex stood up and pulled Nat with him. "Need anything before we go to bed?"
She shook her head. "Just you. I had a dream that you left me, and it scared the beJesus out of me. I don't want to let go of you now."
He folded her into his arms and kissed her temple. "There's no way I'd ever leave you. You're my life, my love and my reason for living."
They passed the bathroom and Natalie stopped. "I feel like I need a shower."
"You don't." He pulled her tighter to him. "You're still my beautiful, sexy wife and nothing about that has changed. I understand that you're going to need time to deal with this, but you're not going to do it alone. I'm here for you, baby, and no one—nothing—is ever going to change that."
"Thank you," she murmured, and they crawled into bed and clung tightly to each other.
* * * *
Jane Clark was inconsolable. Alex knew it would be hard news for her to hear, but she took it even worse than he'd expected. She cried and clung to Natalie and Dean on the sofa in his little, rented house.
He wasn't sure this was the best thing for Natalie. She needed love and support, sure, but all this crying made him uneasy. He knew it wouldn't be as emotional when they told his parents. Oh, they loved Natalie, all right. But they just weren't emotional people.
He was right. His mother looked completely stricken and held Natalie in her arms, but there were no tears. Alex's father wanted to know what the police were doing to catch the bastard, and decided he should be the one to follow up with them, since he knew people in the department. He also agreed to take care of Natalie's Trans Am. She told them she never wanted to see it again.
There were only two weeks left in the semester, then finals. Between Alex and Dean, someone took Natalie to every class and picked her up afterward. Her bruises mended on the outside, but she was fragile and nervous on the inside. She saw the doctor who determined she was healing nicely, and began seeing a therapist who determined she had a ways to go before she was truly 'healed'.
Christmas came and went. Natalie's family stopped by, as did Alex's parents, each sneaking a few presents for Alex to hide away in the closet. They all hoped maybe one day soon Natalie would want them.
Alex wanted Natalie to want anything. She was tired and listless, and once her finals were completed, she spent her days lounging around staring at the TV or sleeping. She didn't do any housework. He was the fastidious one of the pair, but Natalie usually attempted to keep things clean.
He screened the mail and snatched the Christmas cards out before Natalie could see them. The one that made it to her was torn into little bits and scattered around the living room. Alex took them out, read them, and hid them away. He glanced at one in particular, with a picture of a beautiful Christmas tree on it. It was from an old high school buddy of his, who was living a normal life untouched by the R-word, somewhere up in Nebraska.
Alex ran his fingertip over the velvet Christmas tree. What would he give to have his normal life back? He wanted to return to the days when Natalie was happy, fun-loving and innocent, like she was last Christmas. Then their only concerns had been how to find time to be alone together and how to decorate their spindly little tree. They'd made love in the glow of the twinkling lights, over and over again, and it had never been enough. He couldn't get enough of her. He knew Natalie had felt the same way. Just as he knew the man with the knife in her car that November day had killed those feelings in her.
He felt like a jerk because he realized that man could have killed her. He was grateful, so very, very thankful, that she was alive. But he wanted her back the way she had been.
The therapist said it would take time. Alex understood, but that didn't make it easier to lie next to her night after night. He still felt the same way about her. It distressed him to no end that her feelings about him might have changed.
He briefly considered telling her he'd changed his mind, maybe they should try to have a baby. He figured it might get him some sex. He knew it was a loathsome thing to do, and his sensibilities won out and he abandoned the idea as quickly as he'd hatched it. I love Natalie, and her needs come first. He wouldn't do anything to pressure or rush her. He'd wait until she was ready.
The problem was, she didn't seem to be getting any better. She was irritable and sleeping all the time. The first week of January, she barely wanted to get out of bed. It wasn't until she started throwing up in the mornings that it occurred to Alex what the problem might be.
He left her alone for a few minutes while he went to the store, and when he returned he slapped a small box on the nightstand next to her bed.
"What is that?" she asked groggily.
"An early pregnancy test. Read the instructions and take it." Try as he might, he knew his tone was not pleasant.
Natalie appeared surprised. "Why would I…we said we were going to wait…" she looked at him. "Oh my God."
He felt his eyes brim with tears. "Just take it, please. I have to know. We have to know."
She sat up and looked at the box. "Oh, Alex, no. It can't be. I can't be!"
He picked up the box and thrust it at her. "Go find out."
She opened the package and read the instructions. "It says to use first morning urine."
"We're not waiting until morning. Do it now."
She looked at him with wide, frightened eyes.
"Please," he added carefully.
She nodded and took the test into the bathroom, emerging a few minutes later. "Five minutes."
"Okay." He nodded and paced the room.
"It never occurred to me," she said sullenly, and sat on the edge of the bed.
He looked at her incredulously. "Didn't the doctor talk to you about the possibility?"
She shrugged. "She asked me if I was on birth control and I said yes."
He knelt in front of her. "Natalie, you're not. Remember, we talked about this? Pills, diaphragms, whatevers…those are you being on birth control. Condoms are me being on birth control." He balled his hands into fists. "I told you to talk to your doctor about getting you on something, dammit!"
"So you're saying this is my fault?"
"I never said that." He willed himself to calm down. Okay, maybe I said it in a roundabout kind of way. But I didn't mean it. He looked at the clock. "It's been five minutes."
She stood up silently and he followed her to the bathroom. She picked up the test stick. "Plus sign means yes, minus means no." She looked at it. She studied it. She handed it to him, and he studied it.
"It looks like a freaking blue minus sign on top of a pink plus sign."
"I thought so, too."
He tossed the stick on the counter. "So much for that fifteen dollars. We know exactly what we knew ten minutes ago. Nothing."
She rubbed her hands over her arms. "I don't think you're angry about the fifteen dollars."
He walked out of the bathroom and sat on the edge of the bed. "Gotta start somewhere."
"You're angry that I might be pregnant?" She faced him.
"You're not?"
"No. Yes. I don't know! My feelings are all tangled up. I wanted to have a baby so badly."
He stood up and grabbed her arms. "My baby! You wanted my baby."
"Of course I did…do, I mean. But if I'm pregnant, oh Alex! What are we going to do?"
He gazed at her with fury in his heart. "We're going to get rid of it, of course."
She shrank back. "I—I don't know if I could do that."
"Excuse me?" He looked at her like she was absolutely off-the-wall crazy.
"We, uh, Catholics don't believe in abortion."
He smirked, though he found nothing humorous in the situation. "Don't bring religion into this. You've only been to church a handful of times since I've known you."
She looked down. "That's a fair point. But does that have to mean I want an abortion?" She moaned. "I don't know if that's what I want."
"What about what I want?" he almost yelled at her. "Do you even care about what I want?"
She reached out and touched his arm gently. "Of course I do, sweetheart. You're the most important person in the world to me." She touched her stomach reflexively.
Her response calmed him somewhat. He sighed and rubbed his hands over his face. "You need to call the doctor and make an appointment. We need to find out for sure."
Natalie nodded. "I'll go call the office now." She headed into the kitchen.
"Get the appointment as soon as you can," he hollered after her.
"All right."
He heard a sigh as she picked up the phone.
* * * *
Two days later, Dr. Martin confirmed what the pregnancy test hinted at. Natalie was approximately six weeks pregnant. She giggled nervously at the news, while Alex sat stone-faced. He finally asked, "If we want to get rid of it, who do we need to call?"
The doctor looked from his face to Natalie's, then back at him. "I can give you the number of a colleague who performs abortions." She returned her gaze to Natalie. "If that's what you both want."
"I think it is," Alex answered.
Natalie hesitated. She still didn't know what the right decision was, but knew she couldn't have an abortion without giving the matter serious consideration.
He stood and paced around the office. "I can't believe you're even thinking about this! Some monster, some strange man we don't know, except we know that he gets his rocks off raping women, gets you pregnant and you're considering keeping the baby? I do not freaking believe this."