by Ace Gray
But the warmth of her body next to mine, the way we fit together, the way even now, our souls matched, pulled me under. Wrapped around her, I fell fast asleep.
41.
Elle
His every touch trembled and whether with fear or restraint, I couldn’t tell. I still couldn’t feel right. And reading Cole was an utter mystery, too many emotions were jumbled up. Well except one.
Love.
I could feel it chasing me, wrapping around me, clinging desperately to me but I couldn’t make myself feel worthy enough to hold back. Not even when he cared for me so sweetly. I was still scared he’d noticed filth bound in my blood, and turn to walk away. I wasn’t worth anyone’s notice, certainly not someone who’d trudged through hell and clawed his way out. Someone who now wore wings.
As deftly as I possibly could, I snuck out from under his arm and went to find a weapon. After what they’d done to Mickey, after the gun fight and the gruesome stab wounds, I knew I’d have my choice. Slow and silent or fast and furious.
Cole’s duffel was at the foot of Horse’s bed and for the slightest moment, I was glad. I was glad he was here with Cole, that he’d help him pick up the pieces. It was just a flash of emotion, like the flutter of my heart Cole had coaxed in the bathroom, but then my insides went dark again.
It was the darkness I couldn’t live with.
I dug in his bag but I couldn’t find what I was looking for on touch alone. I flipped on the cell phone next to me and started pulling things out. Cash spewed onto the floor followed by white flowy fabric and my beat up hightops that matched Cole’s. My heart sputtered in my chest again and as I shook a few dollar bills free of my shoes, it started going crazy. Horse figurines and the paper crane I’d folded for Cole had tumbled out.
My fingers shook as I reached for the origami. How could he hold onto hope? How could he want what was left of me when all hope was gone?
“He wished for you, ya know? On the cranes he folded,” Horse whispered as he slid onto the floor beside me.
I swallowed the lump in my throat that was closer to a ball of glass fragments.
“All he wants is a happy ending for you.” His chocolate eyes searched mine. “I couldn’t have mine with Conrad knowing what had happened to you. As soon as I heard, I found him, but he was ready to fight alone. Him against the world. Him fighting blindly for you.”
“I’m not worth it,” I barely breathed the words.
“To him you are. To him you’re everything.” He reached for one of the plastic horses and studied it in the shadows cast by the phone. “He taught me how to love. At first, it was just feeling, a wild rush of feelings for this big brooding man, but over the years it became passion instead of lust. It became patience instead of rush. Life instead of death. It was beautiful but it was still lacking. It wasn’t until you that he showed me all I was missing.” He reached over and kissed the crown of my head then rose and slipped into the bathroom.
I started to shove the cash back into the bag only to uncover the knife I’d been so desperate to find. I held it up in the light and watched as the small beam glinted on the steel. I could drag it across my throat in a matter of moments and be far enough gone that not even Horse could save me coming back from the bathroom. But the softly snoring man on the bed behind me stayed my hand.
Nothing made me feel better. Not the dress from the first day I met him or the memories that came with it. The tennis shoes I’d worn onto the roof to see his beautiful artwork. The crane I’d folded when I thought the world would end in Elle and Cole rather than fire and ice. But those little things, those beautiful little memories, made me want to be better. They made me want to hope.
I set the knife down and kept staring. The flush of the toilet barely preceded Horse’s heavy footsteps. He stopped just next to me and toed off his boots one by one.
“Go to bed, Tart. At least for tonight.” He reached out for me and my hand started toward his but I jerked it back.
Horse just stood there, his warm, serene smile, waiting for me over top of his giant hand. I blew out a deep breath then took it. He easily lifted me from the floor and tucked me into his shoulder for the few steps over to Cole’s side.
“One night at a time, okay?” He kissed the crown of my head then helped me down into bed, tucking in the sheets in front of me. Cole’s body automatically molded behind.
The world faded around me, the sound of the steady breathing and an even more faithful heartbeat lulling me into something close to peace. For one night, one night only, I basked in a deep but heathered shade of gray.
“She needs somewhere quiet.” Cole’s hands wandered over top of my shins where both of my legs were draped over his thighs. “Somewhere she can hide from everything and piece herself back together if she won’t let me.”
I let them talk over the top of me, the warm honey of their voices dripped onto me, each drop something rich and warm and…gold.
“Maybe a tourist town, somewhere I can tattoo if she lets me stay. Somewhere that I can cook her fresh fish while she sticks her toes in the sand.” His touch was every bit as loving as his words. They both pushed tears down my cheeks.
“Puerto Escondido,” Horse said matter of factly.
“Hidden port?” Cole’s hands froze as my heart leapt.
“Not quite, Cupcake.” His beautiful deep laughter filled the room. “I read about it researching places I might find Conrad. There was a legend about the bay that a woman escaped a fucked up pirate, swam to shore and hid there. He searched everywhere for her, and he looked for her every time he sailed nearby. Unloaded crews of men to overturn every palm, but never found a trace. It was Bahia de la Escondida for a long time.”
“That’s where we’re going. At least at first. No pirate, no thug, no monster will ever find her again and I need all the help I can get making that oath come true.” Cole’s voice was so self-assured, so stony and sturdy.
“I can’t go with you, but that life…” Horse rubbed my shins and I opened my eyes enough to watch him rove his hand over Cole’s chest and up to squeeze his shoulder. “That seems like a good one, one with a happy ending.”
I heard him clap Cole on the shoulder as I pressed my eyes back tight together. I didn’t deserve the happy ending, the legends or the fairy tale. Moreover, I didn’t deserve two living, breathing men playing knight and savior.
I wanted to tell them that I didn’t deserve it. I wanted to scream how low I’d fallen. Fairy tales weren’t mine to hold onto anymore. Damaged demons didn’t live in castles, didn’t fall in love.
Before I could, Cole bent down and pressed his lips to my cotton covered skin. It was the first real, ardent kiss he’d given me since finding me and it sent a flame, real and rabid, through my insides. I jerked away, pained by how alive it made me feel. Cole’s legs were still entwined with mine, his hand still on me.
“Hi,” he said softly. “I won’t push you. I won’t even try to lift you up, not if you don’t want. I’m just going to be over here, loving each and every shard left of your soul.”
Those words were beautiful. Plain and simple. Along with his plan to hide me from the hurt of the outside world. It filled up something inside me I didn’t know was holding feeling anymore. I wanted to cry and chew on my lip and curl into his chest. But I didn’t. I wasn’t ready. I was still wading through mud, trying to decide whether I would crawl out of the grime or let it swallow me whole.
“Talk to me,” he begged, his fingers finding my shins again, brushing and making random shapes.
“I don’t know what to say.” Each word put my heartbreak on display.
“Then ride with me?” he gave me a shy smile.
“I’ll try.”
His smile broke across his face, glorious and brilliant like the dawn. And for that, I managed to get up, get dressed and shuffle to the car.
“I’m afraid this is where I say goodbye.” Horse smiled weakly. “I need this. I have to find this.” He gestured between us and I
felt the knife twist in my stomach.
“I hope you do,” I managed. “I hope you keep him safe.”
“I will. Just like I always will for you, Tart. Like Cole will.” He looked between the two of us.
“Thank you. I don’t know how to properly thank you.” Cole’s voice went a little ragged.
“Keep believing in her. In wishes and happy endings.” He smiled as he hugged Horse tightly.
“I’m going to miss you,” Cole said softly into his hulking shoulder.
“I always miss you, but you haven’t heard the last from me.” He hugged Cole again then bent toward me, his lips coming close to mine but falling short when I flinched. “Keep fighting, Tart,” he whispered just before he kissed my cheek.
Cole and I watched side by side as he walked away from us and toward the rising sun. Heat ripples already hugged his muscles where they shimmered across the highway and then the desert. I shivered all the same.
The car was silent for a long time with Cole driving and me riding shotgun. I both loved and loathed the distance between us. His touch was soothing, it kept the crashing waves of sorrow at bay. But it was also a reminder of what I once was and how love had lit me up.
Sitting across the stick shift from me, his love faded from gold to black, and it wasn’t his fault. It was the ugly inside of me desperate to seep out in streams of crimson.
42.
Cole
“It’s a beautiful place to die.” Elle’s haunted voice danced on the wind as she slid out of the car and walked beside it toward the edge of the cliffs outside Puerto Escondido.
She stopped close enough to the lip to make my skin crawl. Her head quirked from side to side, studying what she could see of the crashing waves below us. I’d driven all day and more than a few hours into the night before this pullout materialized at the side of the road and I’d started watching the whitecap of waves as Elle slept. We’d barely spoken the entire trip, and I relished the sound of her voice now that she was awake, but those words threatened to gut me.
“Do you think it hurts?” she asked whisper soft.
“I’ve only died once,” I answered as I stood from the hood the car and stepped next to her. “And what hurt like hell was being without you.” I grabbed her hand and squeezed as tightly as humanly possible.
“I can’t live like this.” A wild sob shook her shoulders as she toed with the gravel edge.
“I decided on the ride, if you jump, I’m going with you.” I pulled on her and wrapped her up in my chest. “I’m not dying that sort of death twice.”
“I’m not worth it,” she murmured.
“You’re worth dying for.”
“Even though I’m this…this…” she gestured up and down her body, never finding the end of her sentence.
“Particularly because of that.” I leaned down and kissed her forehead, she winced against my lips.
“Why? It’s disgusting. I’m disgusting. Everything is a reminder of what he did to me.” Her tears wet my t-shirt.
“It’s a reminder that you survived. That you were strong enough to hold on until I got there.”
“How long will you want me like this? How long until something more beautiful catches your eye?”
Her tiny hands wouldn’t hold me back and for once it was a good thing. I pushed her to arm’s length and conveniently away from the cliff. I reached up for her precious perfect face. The first embers of day were turning the black of night to something warmer, softer. It cast the halo of warmth around Elle that I always saw when I looked at her. Her skin wouldn’t suck it in and shine it back like usual, but she’d never been more beautiful than she was right now, tear stained cheeks and all.
“Elle, there is nothing and no one more perfect than you. There never will be. At least not for me.” I didn’t mean to growl fiercely at her but I couldn’t help it. I had to get the truth through to her.
“My body…”
“Is mine,” I roared, but then I blew out a deep breath and leaned in to kiss her but she twisted away from me as best she could. “It’s all mine. Forever. And I mean just mine. I’m done sharing. Even with Horse. The body in front of me is only mine. Everything in front of me is only mine.”
“The scars?” She rubbed aimlessly at the destroyed tattoo on her forearm.
“Are an altar I’ll worship at every day that they’re attached to your heartbeat.”
Giant, doe eyes looked up at me tears bubbling in the corners, becoming pools of shimmering gold.
“How?” Her bottom lip trembled.
“I have some horrific ones to match, Ladylove. They never stopped you from seeing me.” My thumbs stroked her cheeks.
“But mine are so much worse. They’re there to remind you that I’m dark and disgusting. That I’m… That he…”
“Hey, hey, hey,” I snarled again. “You are what brought me from the darkness. You are the light I cling to. You are the only truth I know. Nothing in this world is more beautiful than that. Let me be that for you.”
Her mouth opened once or twice but she didn’t find words. And I didn’t want to hear them anymore anyway. I simply wouldn’t let blackness smother her heart, selfish or not.
“I know you think he carved darkness into you but he didn’t, Ladylove. All that’s ever mattered is what’s in here.” I reached toward her heart and she let my palm press against her chest. I blew out a deep breath. “And in here there’s light enough to shame the heavens. Light I’m going to drink up and bask in for all of my days.”
I used the slightest bit of pressure to push her back against the hood of the car then rucked up her skirt, white folds of fabric fell around her hips and covered the hood of my car. She shoved at me, tried to knock her knees together, desperate to cover herself up, but I gently moved her hands aside, held her legs in place and replaced her shield with my lips.
“Every inch of you is precious.” I kissed the edge of the thick knotted scar furthest away from her trembling sex.
“I’m not ready.” She tried to force me out but I wasn’t going anywhere.
Horse could worry about my selfishness, Elle could rant about her darkness. Me, I knew I needed to show her how real my words were. I needed to fix her the only way I knew how.
My lips went back to her skin and traced the length of her scar on one thigh, relishing the bubbled and marred skin beneath my lips. I loved the texture of it, the texture of Elle still alive. When I’d run the length of one side, my mouth easily found the other. My teeth dragged across her until she shivered. I looked up and her small hands covered her eyes, tears pooled beneath them.
“Ladylove,” I reached up and pulled them away, kissing each salty palm as I did. “Don’t hide from me. Don’t hide a single bit of yourself away,” I said as softly as I could then I bent over the hood, over her tiny body to find her lips.
I pressed a simple kiss to her lips but held it. She gasped beneath me then her tears started all the harder, her body shook against me. I found her lips again, kissing them as gently as I could, patient and persistent.
Until her lips answered mine.
It was my turn to gasp at the life I finally felt beneath me. Tears threatened to pour down my cheeks when she kept at it. I deepened the kiss, letting my lips tumble over hers, my tongue traced tentatively across the seam of her mouth. Her arms wove up from their limp spot on her chest to my back and finally held firm. I twisted to kiss along her scarred forearm, only for her to jerk her hand away.
“I love you, Elle. All of you,” I said as softly as I could. “I love that you’re strong. I love that you understand the darkness, I love that I don’t have to hide with you.”
Her arm rose back to my shoulder, angled a little better toward my lips. I kissed it, tender at first then letting the ravenous hunger I had for her take over. I felt each time she wanted to pull away, and relished each time she made her hand stay put, her fingers digging into the dips and contours of my shoulder.
I was reacquainting my lips wit
h the shape of her collarbone and the feel of the flutter of her heart when she whispered. “I’m weak, I’m dark, and I pray to God that the parts of me Mickey touched stay hidden forever.”
“I’m done listening to you today, Ladylove.” I kissed her as roughly as I’d wanted to since I’d found her hanging from that hook. I took her lips. I took them and I made them mine. I made them work both with and against mine. “I’m taking you. Every bit of you.” I threaded my tongue into her mouth and let it tumble with hers before I pulled back. “I’m going to worship every fucking inch of you.”
I hooked my pinkies into the straps of her dress and pulled them from her shoulders then down her arms until her rosy little nipples peeked out. I pressed my lips to the swell of her breasts, tracing the beautiful V that shadows cast across her skin. A small whimper crossed her lips when I latched on to one of those little rosy buds. Her fingers came to the edge of my hairline and danced. I smiled against her skin then let my teeth sink in.
“Cole,” she whined.
“Yes, Ladyface?” I licked a fat trail to her other breast.
She hesitated, her hands froze, but finally she breathed, “Don’t stop.”
“Never.”
I pushed her up further on the hood and followed her up. The clank and dent of our bodies on the metal made me smile as I kissed along the curve of her neck. When the sun warmed my back, I pulled off my shirt, basking in the golden of a new day. A new day with Elle.
Another small whimper played on her lips as my hands wandered up her naked thighs. When I palmed the curve of her ass and started to fondle all her most sensitive spots, her voice became a little more sturdy and a little more ragged all at once.