Shaking herself free from this illusion, she focused her eyes on the scene before her. Looking between her mother and her son, she didn’t know where to begin, how to address this dual betrayal. She kicked a few boxes out of the way, but then her vision began to blur and she sat down in the nearest chair, the one with the large scroll arms, and held on to them to steady herself. It felt like the first opportunity she’d had for weeks, months, maybe even years to sit down. She didn’t have the energy to be angry anymore, to try and get things in order, to keep the walls of her life from crumbling around her.
Lola stood up from the table and went to her. “Your father used to sit in this chair after he’d had a hard day. It was the only thing that survived the fire.”
“I remember,” Gloria muttered.
Lola pulled her rocker closer and sat down. “I made Fricase de Cabrito except I couldn’t find any Cabrito so I made it with lamb instead.”
“It smells delicious.”
“Have some, Nena,” Lola said.
Gloria shook her head and closed her eyes tight. To hear her mother call her “Nena” prompted a wave of sweet sadness to wash over her. “I can’t eat,” she whispered.
“Of course you can,” Lola replied, slowly rocking in her chair.
“No,” she said, her eyes still closed. “I feel sick Ma, sick to my stomach.”
“It looks like you’re heart sick to me.”
Gloria opened her eyes and jerked her head around to see what Sebastian was up to. He was still at the table eating with Terrence. “What did Sebastian tell you?” she asked under her breath.
“He didn’t have to tell me anything. I can see the hurt in your eyes.”
Gloria covered her face with her hands. It felt good to let go in her father’s chair. She hadn’t thought about him in years, but all of a sudden he was there, and she could smell the fresh cut grass that lingered on his clothes when he came home from his gardening job. She missed his laughter the most, and how he was able to shrug off the worst of life’s problems as though they were nothing but an old coat.
Gloria hung her head and softly asked, “Did Pops ever leave you for another woman?”
“Your father never did anything like that,” Lola answered. “But he would’ve been a fool to leave me. The situation with Dean is very different.”
Gloria raised her head to look at her mother. “What do you mean, Ma?”
Still rocking away in her chair, Lola replied, “Dean would be a fool to stay.”
Chapter Eleven
Sebastian had never been rushed out of anywhere so swiftly in his life.
“Get your books Sebastian,” Gloria commanded.
“But I haven’t finished my dinner, and it’s really…”
“Do as you’re told,” she said, barely able to keep her teeth from chattering.
“But I made the mashed potatoes and I…”
“You heard me, Sebastian!”
“You better go,” Terrence muttered, and Sebastian scurried off to get his book bag.
Lola shook her head sadly. “You never could stand to hear the truth.”
“I don’t need to hear your version of the so called truth.”
“How long are you going to live with your head in the sand, Nena? Sooner or later you’re going to run out of air.”
“Don’t talk to me, Ma. Just don’t talk to me anymore.”
“The truth is that the way you treat your husband, anyone would think he was a dog not a man, and certainly not the father of your children,” Lola said gravely.
Gloria’s face screwed up into a knot. “Do you really expect me to listen to you now? Look at this place,” she said throwing her hands up in the air. “And look at you. How can anybody take you seriously anymore?”
Once Sebastian had his book bag, she snatched up his hand and pulled him roughly out the door behind her. “I’m going to call Mando and Gabi right away and tell them what’s going on here.”
“Please do,” Lola returned. “I was going to call them myself. There’s plenty of food for everybody.”
Gloria sped all the way home, and once or twice Sebastian heard the tires screeching when she turned the corner. From the back seat, he watched the street lights and buildings whirl by at a greater speed than usual. He licked his lips and tasted the remnants of the saucy lamb, and the buttery goodness of the potatoes. In spite of his mother’s upset, and the punishment that he knew awaited him, he felt a satisfying warmth in his belly. It radiated out to his torso and limbs in gentle spasms so that even his fingers and toes tingled with wellness.
The minute they arrived home, Gloria wasted no time. She called her brother first, although she had some trouble getting past several secretaries and assistants before she was able to reach him. “The situation with Ma is getting worse,” she said. “She has candles burning all over the house and there’s paper and boxes everywhere. It’s a fire hazard if I ever saw one. It looks like she spent a fortune on a bunch of new stuff for the kitchen, and she dyed her hair.” A brief pause followed this last piece of information which allowed her to catch her breath. “Yes, you heard me right. I’d say it’s more or less the color of…of…”
“Strawberry Jell-O,” Sebastian said.
“That’s right. It looks just like strawberry Jell-O.”
She called her sister next, and started to explain the situation in much the same way she had to her brother, but then stopped mid sentence. “Don’t laugh, Gabi. It’s not funny. When you see what Ma’s done to herself, you’ll want to cry, believe me you will. And there’s this weird black guy hanging around, but I have no idea…”
She turned to Sebastian who was hovering nearby. “Who is he Sebastian?”
“Terrence is from the Senior Center. He delivers food, and he also plays in a jazz band. Abuela Lola says he’s going to be rich and famous one day.”
When Gloria ended this call, she was breathing hard and felt even more upset than she did before. Her siblings hadn’t responded the way she’d hoped. As usual, Gabi didn’t take the matter seriously enough, and Mando was far too preoccupied with his own life to care about anything else. And what’s worse, she couldn’t shake the words her mother had said to her that evening. Dean would be a fool to stay. They made her feel like reaching out for the first thing she could get her hands on and throwing it against the wall. But she managed to compose herself and directed Sebastian to sit down at the kitchen table because she needed to talk to him about something.
“Where’s Dad?” he asked. “Shouldn’t he be home by now?”
Gloria took a moment to collect her thoughts. The muscles of her face were quivering slightly, and the swelling around her eyes was more pronounced than ever. She took another deep breath, and nodded. “Your father will be staying somewhere else for a while, but he’ll be coming by on Thursdays and weekends to see you and Jennifer, so you don’t have to worry about that.”
“Why is he staying somewhere else? He lives here,” Sebastian said, sliding to the edge of his chair in a panic.
“Yes, that’s true,” Gloria replied with a nod. It was hard for her to find the right words, harder than she thought it would be. “Your father and I decided it would be best if we separated for awhile so we can…so that we can think things out more clearly.”
“Are you getting a divorce?” Sebastian asked, his heart in his throat.
“Nothing’s been decided yet.”
“Then why can’t Dad sleep in the family room? He falls asleep in there on most nights anyway.”
“Because sometimes grownups need to take space and time to figure things out.” Gloria leaned forward, and pressed her hands over her son’s. “I want you to know that absolutely none of this is your fault. And no matter what happens, you and Jen are going to be okay. Your father and I will always love you. That will never change.”
Sebastian leaned back in his chair, and pulled his hands away. He wanted desperately to believe what his mother was telling him, but he couldn’t for
get the argument he’d overheard the previous night. And the brokenness in his mother’s eyes at that moment confirmed what he feared most – that the problem with his parents and his family couldn’t be fixed. He had a million questions about where his father was staying and exactly how much space and time adults needed to figure things out. But he suddenly felt very tired and out of breath, and all he wanted was to get upstairs and go to bed.
“I know this must be very upsetting for you Sebastian, but we still need to talk about what happened today,” Gloria said, straightening up and assuming her usual motherly confidence. “This morning you promised me that you’d go to the afterschool program, and you didn’t go.”
“I did go,” Sebastian replied, altering his tone to match hers. “But then afterward, I went to Abuela Lola’s house. You never told me I couldn’t go to Abuela Lola’s house.”
“I wanted you to stay at the afterschool program until I finished at work, and I intended to pick you up from there and not your grandmother’s house. You knew that’s what I meant all along, didn’t you?”
Sebastian nodded glumly.
“Then why did you disobey me again?” she asked.
“I tried to obey you mom. I really tried, but I wanted to see Abuela and…” he looked into his mother’s eyes, and understood that she needed to hear something that would give her permission to put the matter to rest. Just like him, she wanted nothing more than to go upstairs to her room and go to sleep so that this difficult day could be over and done with. “…and there’s this boy who goes to the afterschool program who’s mean to me.”
Gloria’s ears pricked up. “Who is this boy? Is he hurting you?”
Sebastian shook his head. The truth is that Keith had never struck him, or even attempted to lay a hand on him. He would’ve preferred this somehow.
“Then how is he mean to you?” Gloria asked.
“He forces me to make animal noises, and he calls me Monkey Boy.”
Gloria made a face, not quite understanding what her son was telling her. “I don’t get it. How does he force you to make animal noises?”
“I don’t know,” Sebastian replied, wringing his hands. “He just tells me to make animal noises, and I do it.”
“Do you do anything else?”
Sebastian nodded, shamefaced. “Sometimes I dance around,” he mumbled. “He makes me feel like the dumbest kid in the world, Mom, and I don’t want to go to the afterschool program with him anymore.”
“Then you and I need to talk with your teacher about it.”
Sebastian nearly fell to his knees. The last thing in the world he wanted was for Ms. Ashworth to know what a fool he was. This would make his humiliation unbearable. “No please don’t talk to Ms. Ashworth about it, Mom. Please don’t tell her.”
“Why not Sebastian? Your teacher should know what’s going on with her students.”
“It won’t help, it’ll only make things worse. Please Mom, I can handle it.”
“Exactly how are you going to handle it?” his mother asked.
Sebastian looked away from her, feeling suddenly indignant. What would she say if he asked her the same question? “What are you going to do about Dad? How are you going to handle that situation?”
Sebastian remained silent.
“I’m waiting,” Gloria said. “If you don’t want me to talk with Ms. Ashworth, then you’re going to have to convince me that you can handle it.”
“I’m going to ignore him,” Sebastian said, remembering the typical advice given on how to handle bullies. “And I’m going to stay as far away from him as I can; that’s why it’s better if I go to Abuela Lola’s house after school.”
After discussing it further, Gloria agreed that the best plan for the time being was to allow Sebastian to go to his grandmother’s house until other arrangements could be made. As anxious as she was about the situation with her mother, she couldn’t bear the thought of her little boy experiencing stress or discomfort at the hands of a bully. In the mean time, he was to stop making animal noises and let her know if the situation continued or worsened.
“If you lay down on the ground, people will step on you,” she said. “You have to get up and hold your head high. Do you understand me Sebastian? Nobody can do that for you; you have to learn how to do that for yourself.”
After their discussion had ended, Sebastian dragged himself upstairs and went straight to bed. He was overwhelmed and exhausted, and to think that his father wouldn’t be sleeping at home like he should obliterated the joy he’d felt at his grandmother’s house earlier. His only consolation was that his mother had decided not to punish him for disobeying her a second time. Perhaps she understood that the situation they found themselves in was punishment enough. Yes, judging from the hapless weary expression in her eyes, he knew that she did.
Sebastian lay down in his bed and listened to the wind rustling the tree branches and softly scratching at the window panes. Sometimes at night he could hear squirrels scampering through the branches, and taking shelter in the leaves. Windy as it was on this night, he couldn’t hear them, but he imagined a family of squirrels curled up together in a warm dry place just over his head. He was nearly asleep when his sister quietly crept into his room.
“Sebastian, are you awake?” Jennifer asked in a loud grating whisper.
“Kind of,” he replied, squinting against the light that flooded in through the open door.
She entered his room and crouched down next to his bed. “Did mom tell you what happened?”
He nodded sullenly.
“I can’t believe it. Mom and Dad are separated, just like that, one day to the next.”
Sebastian lifted his head from the pillow, fully awake now. “Mom said they haven’t decided anything yet.”
Jennifer’s eyes bugged out at him. “Of course, she told me the same thing, but this is how it starts. Believe me, I know. Practically all of my friends’ parents are divorced, and now we’re going to be just like them. I hate being like everybody else.”
Sebastian tried to come up with a sympathetic response, but his exhaustion got the better of him, and his head dropped back down to his pillow.
“Is it true?” Jennifer asked. “Did Abuela Lola really dye her hair bright red?”
He nodded. Curiously, it didn’t look so bizarre to him that day. Perhaps in a day or two, he’d hardly notice it at all.
“They think she’s going crazy like she did after Abuelo Ramiro died. Mom’s afraid she might start another fire.”
Sebastian stared at his sister with large round eyes. “The fire was an accident. Abuela Lola was cooking beans, and she fell asleep and forgot to turn off the stove.”
“That’s what she tells everyone, but nobody really believes it. She wanted to die in that fire, Sebastian. She wanted to die so she could be with Abuelo Ramiro.” The moment the words left her mouth Jennifer remembered that her parents had always tried to keep their suspicions from Sebastian, but now that everything was falling apart, it hardly seemed to matter.
Sebastian couldn’t believe such a thing about his grandmother. All at once, he felt stripped to the bone and he began to shiver even though he was covered by two heavy blankets.
“They’re going to move her to a convalescent home, did Mom tell you?” Jennifer asked.
He’d gathered as much from the telephone conversations earlier, and had every intention of warning his grandmother the first chance he had. “She won’t go,” he muttered.
Now that they had exchanged the essential information, Sebastian expected his sister to go back to her room and leave him to his rest. He’d heard enough for one day, and maybe a lifetime. He was shocked by this information about his grandmother, but quickly decided that Jennifer had to be wrong. He knew Abuela Lola better than anyone and was quite certain she would never start a fire on purpose. Once he came to this conclusion, he stopped shivering.
Much as he wanted her to go, Jennifer stayed where she was, rocking back and forth on her h
eels, lost in thought. “Hey, little man, do you want me to read to you tonight?” she asked.
Sebastian wanted nothing more than to go to sleep, but he understood that on this night it was Jennifer who didn’t want to be alone. “Okay sure,” he said, reaching up to turn on the light.
Jennifer found a book about the solar system on Sebastian’s desk, and then she tousled his hair affectionately, something she hadn’t done in years. “No matter what happens, you and me are going to stick together, okay little man?”
“Okay,” he said, rubbing his eyes. This attention from his sister was a rare and precious thing, and no matter what had provoked it, he was prepared to enjoy it.
“And you don’t have to worry that I’ll get married because I won’t do a stupid ass thing like that. I’ll probably go to Tibet and become a Buddhist nun or something, and you can be a monk. Actually,” she said, taking a moment to appreciate her brother’s sweet round face and soulful eyes, “you’d make an excellent monk.”
“How about if we go to Puerto Rico instead? Abuela Lola says it’s a really nice place where kids play in the jungle all day and climb trees and stuff. And there’s a spot way up high on the mountain where it feels like you’re on the edge of heaven and on special occasions they eat goat.”
“That sounds kind of gross,” she said, making a face.
“That’s what I thought, but Abuela says it’s delicious, and that we come from a long line of goat lovers.” It was a wonderful relief to talk about something that had nothing to do with their family problems, and Sebastian was now quite happy that he had allowed Jennifer to stay.
He made room for her next to him in bed, and although he was far too tired to pay much attention to what she read about how the planets orbited the sun at varying speeds and angles, he appreciated the soothing monotone of her voice. It was even more reassuring than the sound of the squirrels outside, and the breath of paper and ink on his face when she turned the pages was very nice too. He felt safe and content for the moment, so he closed his eyes, and fell soundly asleep on her shoulder.
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