“Hush now,” Dean said, taking her hand.
“My fear killed him, just like you said it would, and you have every right to hate me for it.”
“No,” Dean said, pulling her close. “Don’t talk like that anymore.”
“I want to die too,” Gloria cried, pushing away from him. “I want to be with Sebastian. He needs me.”
“Enough…” he replied, trying to get hold of her hands again, but she kept twisting away from his grasp. Finally he managed to grab her firmly by the shoulders. “We need you, Gloria,” he said, shaking her gently. “Jennifer needs you and I need you more than I ever have before. And I’ll tell you something else. No matter what you say, I know you still love me. I can see it in your eyes, plain as day. And God knows I never stopped loving you, and I never will.”
Gloria was still as she gazed into the tranquil beauty of her husband’s eyes, and she remembered how they had once been her sanctuary and her hope. In spite of herself, she relaxed and settled in next to him as she hadn’t done in years, welcoming the warmth and protection of his arm around her shoulders.
At one point, a skinny girl with scraggly blonde hair and glasses cautiously approached them. She stood several yards away, peeking beneath the lowest branches of the tree with a sad somewhat bewildered expression on her face. When she had satisfied her curiosity, she turned and ran swiftly toward the soccer pitch to join her friends.
Gloria and Dean remained on the bench beneath the willow tree until the bell rang and the children returned to their classrooms. When all was quiet again, they stood up and walked off of the playground hand in hand.
Chapter Thirty
Lola sat perfectly still on her rocker facing her empty wall. She didn’t know how long she’d been sitting there. At times it felt as though she’d been there her whole life waiting for her world to change, waiting for her children to get over their petty differences, waiting for her life to end so that she could join her beloved Ramiro, and now Sebastian too.
Behind her the table was piled high with a mountain of Styrofoam containers. She didn’t have the energy or desire to cook anymore and the Senior Center had started delivering meals again. Things had been going so well for Terrence that he no longer needed to moonlight as a delivery boy, and Lola was glad for this now that he and Gabi were going to make a life together with baby and all. Soon there would be another grandchild for her to love, but Lola didn’t feel joyful about it. The grief in her heart didn’t leave much room for anything else.
She was void of tears. The emptiness she felt without her grandson was even worse than it was when she’d lost her husband. Sebastian was more than a grandchild, he’d become her spirit of awakening, and she had always hoped and prayed that her death would come before his, but it wasn’t meant to be. Soon, her children would move her out of Bungalow Haven, and she didn’t have the energy to resist them anymore.
Lola closed her eyes and leaned back in her chair. All she heard now was the beating of her heart, the sound of air entering her lungs when she inhaled and departing when she exhaled, reminding her that she was nothing but an empty vessel. Her life was bound by a quivering thread attached to the center of her soul at one end and the vast expanse of heaven that she longed for at the other. All she had to do was reach out her finger and snap it, simple as that.
Lola thought about Ramiro and muttered, “You’re much closer to God than I am. Tell Him to take me home now before it’s too late.”
She sighed and closed her eyes, waiting for death to make an appearance. If she stayed in her rocker for a few days she knew it would come and steal her away. She just needed to be patient, and if she was lucky, she’d be gone before her children forced her to move.
Lola suddenly opened her eyes. She stood up and went to her bedroom. Sitting on the edge of her bed, she opened the drawer of her dresser, and found what she was looking for. She opened the bottle and counted out twenty-seven sleeping pills. She stared at them for some time. Twenty-seven times two was Fifty-four, the number of years that she and Ramiro had been married when he died.
And then she felt a strange nudge, an internal voice which told her to put the pills back in the bottle, and return them to her drawer. She obeyed and as she did so her hand fell upon one of many folders she kept for her grandchildren with drawings they’d done since they were old enough to hold crayons in their chubby fingers. It was Sebastian’s folder she touched, and when she opened it she saw that the first drawing on top was the one of the “black haired old lady” as he’d called her.
Lola remembered Sebastian’s anxiety when he described her appearances. It had frightened and disturbed her too because she knew that those who were close to death experienced visions like these. She didn’t want to think about such a possibility then, but now…now there was nothing to lose.
Lola stared at the drawing, focusing on the intensity of the lively black eyes and the expression that she knew so well, the long nose, the severe mouth and the myriad of wrinkles criss crossing the face in many directions. And as she continued to stare at it, the eyes suddenly came to life and she gasped, dropping the picture to the floor. And then she heard the gruff words clearly, “Don’t despair Dolores. We are together. We have always been together.” She took up the drawing and fell backward on her bed, clutching it close to her chest as she wept, surprised that tears flowed so freely when she was certain that she had no more left to cry.
Chapter Thirty-one
It was about 4:30 on Sunday afternoon and Gloria was upstairs organizing and packing what she could into boxes while Dean was in the garage planning what to give away or get rid of before they sold the house. There was no doubt they’d have to sell or face bankruptcy, and Gloria knew better than anyone that matters would only get worse if they waited. They didn’t have much time, but they still hadn’t started on Sebastian’s room. The prospect of going through his things and throwing anything away was unbearable. Gloria and Dean decided that once they had taken care of everything else, they would tackle this difficult job together.
Jennifer was cleaning out her closet too, and the large pile of clothing in the center of her room was growing steadily. She had decided to give away everything except for her most essential items. Things that would’ve been difficult for her to part with before she tossed onto the pile without a thought.
The phone rang, and Gloria answered it. She dropped what she held in her hand, not believing her ears. “Don’t do this to me now, Ma. Please I beg of you, not now after everything that’s happened.”
Gloria hung up stunned and paralyzed for a moment and then she called out at the top of her lungs, “Dean! Dean get over here!”
Jennifer rushed out of her room when she heard her mother scream.
“Where’s your father?” Gloria asked her in a panic.
“He’s in the garage.”
“Dean!” Gloria cried while stumbling down the stairs. “We have to go! Dean!”
But Dean was already rushing up the stairs. “What’s the matter?”
“It’s Ma,” Gloria said wringing her hands. “She said that she started a fire for Sebastian and that this time nobody will be able to put it out.”
When Gloria, Dean and Jennifer arrived to Bungalow Haven the fire trucks were already parked out front, and they could see smoke billowing up above the trees, and smell the burning in the air. They rushed down the lane toward the little yellow house in back, and what they saw stopped them cold.
Several firemen were gathered around watching while Lola hovered over a large grill that took up most of her small yard. She’d built an enormous fire with wood and coals, and the smoke it created obliterated most of her house. Straddled above the grill was a large spit upon which turned the carcass of a kid goat. Lola was basting it lovingly with a brush, but it was so high up off the ground that she needed a step stool to reach it. And she’d colored her hair again, deep purple, and bright as a neon eggplant this time.
The firemen were annoyed at having
been called to nothing more than an over sized barbeque. They curtly explained that there was no law against outdoor cooking in this part of the city and that from what they could tell, the nearby structures and surrounding property weren’t in any danger. That said, they promptly left the scene.
Mando, Susan and Cindy arrived next, breathless after running down the lane, and a few seconds later Gabi and Terrence showed up as well. It seems that everyone had received the same cryptic and ominous phone call.
Lola looked up from her work each time another member of her family arrived, taking obvious pleasure in the shock she saw on their faces.
The smoke of the fire wafted and curled around her as though dancing to the sound of mysterious music. It obliterated her at times, and when it momentarily cleared, she appeared more vibrant than before, like an ambivalent spirit that wasn’t sure whether it was coming or going.
The smoke enveloped the family as well, and its fragrance circled them one by one, tugging at them, and pulling them in. They walked slowly as though in a trance through the hazy wall that separated them from Lola and the fantastic realm before them.
“You all look like you’ve seen a ghost,” Lola said, chuckling.
“What are you doing Ma?” Gloria asked.
“I told you already,” she replied. “I started a fire for Sebastian, and with it I’m making my little Cabrito. I think he’ll like it very much. It will probably be his favorite, just as it is mine.”
“Abuela Lola,” Jennifer said, concerned that her grandmother had really lost her mind this time. “Sebastian isn’t with us anymore, don’t you remember?”
“Nonsense,” Lola replied with a wave of her hand. “Sebastian is always with us. Now come and help me. You know the rules, if we’re all going to eat, then we all have to work.”
They exchanged worried glances, not sure what to do or how to interpret what was happening. Cindy was the first to detach herself from the group and step forward. She helped Lola down from the stool, after which her grandmother handed over the basting brush and bowl. Susan went to the fire and held the bowl for her daughter while she basted the cabrito as she’d seen her grandmother doing a moment ago.
“Keep basting until the sauce is gone,” Lola said. “There’s more on the porch when you run out.”
Mando and Terrence brought out some chairs from inside so that everyone could sit around the fire as the little goat roasted. It was a lovely afternoon, and it looked like they’d be there awhile.
Dean and Gabi stood near Gloria, ready to offer whatever support she might need. She was more overwhelmed than anyone, and her eyes continually focused on Susan and then away as though she couldn’t figure out what to do with herself. Normally, she would’ve turned around and put as much distance between her and her sister in law as she could, but Sebastian was her son, and Lola had said that she built this fire for him.
As Mando and Terrence were arranging the chairs around the fire, Cindy announced that she was almost out of sauce.
“Help her Nena,” Lola said, pointing toward the marinade bottle on the porch. Still bewildered, Gloria went to do as her mother asked, and she took the bottle to Susan and poured some out into the bowl she held, but Gloria was so flustered that she spilled most of it and then knocked the entire bowl to the ground. Both women bent down to pick it up, and bumped heads in the process. They apologized as they stood up, even snickering a bit as they did so.
Everyone was stunned to see Susan and Gloria standing together, and interacting more or less civilly. Perhaps the smoke from the fire was bringing them back to their senses. And then they began to speak softly so that only they could hear.
“We’ve been fools,” Susan whispered.
Still in a daze, Gloria looked directly into her sister in law’s eyes for the first time in years. “Are you calling me a fool?”
“I’m talking about both of us.”
Gloria’s eyes began to glisten with tears. “It all seems so pointless and ridiculous now doesn’t it?”
“Maybe it always was,” Susan replied.
“Maybe,” Gloria conceded, and she was preparing to walk away when Susan said loudly enough for everyone to hear, “Mando and I can’t stand by and watch you lose the house. We want to help.”
Gloria froze. She felt her anger rise up again from that place where it had been smoldering for years, and she shut her eyes tight in an effort to control herself. “Thanks, but no thanks,” she muttered.
Hearing this, Dean said, “Maybe we should consider…”
“Damn you Dean, don’t you have a shred of pride?”
“Stop it Mom,” Jennifer said, stepping in between her parents. “You shouldn’t disrespect Dad like that.”
Gloria’s shoulders slumped. She knew that her daughter was right, but she felt lost all of a sudden, almost as lost as she had the first few days after Sebastian’s death.
“Let us help,” Susan said again.
Gloria spun around on her heels, her fists clenched at her sides. “And why do you want to help so badly? So you can force us to sign a stack of papers that spell out exactly how much you have and how much we don’t? So you can tell your snobby friends how wonderful and generous you are with your poor relatives?”
“Calm down, Nena,” Lola said.
Susan stepped forward, her arms at her sides, her eyes pleading. “Mando and I will lend you whatever money you need to keep the house, no strings attached, no stack of papers to sign.”
“We don’t want your money,” Gloria replied
“Don’t be stupid,” Mando said. “Just take it.”
“We can’t,” Gloria said.
“Yes we can,” Dean interjected.
Gloria flashed him a look that would’ve turned a lesser man to stone.
“Why can’t you accept our offer?” Susan asked.
“Because we can’t,” Gloria returned.
“That isn’t a reason.”
“Since when do I have to justify myself to you?”
“You’re a stubborn fool,” Susan said.
“And you’re an arrogant fool,” Gloria returned.
At this Mando said, “Well at least we can all agree on something.”
Terrence started to laugh, but Gabi stopped him with a hand to his knee.
Gloria walked away, and Susan yelled after her, “All the pride in the world won’t pay your bills Gloria.”
But she merely waved her hand up as though to say, ‘good riddance’ and kept right on walking.
“Don’t make the same mistake I made ten years ago,” Susan yelled out louder. “You’ll regret it, I know you will.”
At this, Gloria stopped and turned around. “What are you talking about?”
Susan hung her head.
“Just tell her,” Mando said. “The way you told me the other day. You can do it.”
Susan looked up. “What I did to you when you needed our help before was wrong, and it’s haunted me ever since,” Susan said, tears streaming down her cheeks. “I have no right to ask you for anything, but I beg you to find it in your heart to forgive me, and to let me make things right. Let us help you now, please.”
Gloria had been yearning to hear these words, but now that she’d heard them she had no idea how to respond. Lola nudged Dean, and he went to his wife, took her hand and brought her back to the place where Susan stood, and as the fragrant smoke curled around them, these two women who’d barely spoken a word to each other for years embraced.
And the little goat sizzled on the spit as it turned over the fire, and with every revolution it became more golden brown and beautiful.
Lola wiped her hands on her apron. “I have some drinks ready inside. Jennifer would you mind bringing them out?”
Jennifer rushed inside the house feeling more energized than she had in weeks. Moments later she appeared with several glasses balanced on a tray and two bottles of wine tucked under her arm.
After everyone had been served, they all sat down around the fi
re to converse as they watched the cabrito turn on the spit, and all the while Lola gazed at her family in a state of wonder. They were neither at a wedding or a funeral, yet they were there together as she’d always dreamed they would be. Then she pulled the drawing of the black haired old lady from her apron pocket and studied it for good long while, smiling as she did so.
“What is that Abuela?” Cindy asked, leaning over to get a better look.
“It’s a drawing Sebastian did a while back,” she replied. “He told me it was a picture of the mysterious black haired old lady he met at the hospital.”
“A mysterious who?” Cindy asked.
“Sebastian told me about her too,” Dean said, “but I didn’t really understand what he meant.”
“For the past few months, this so called old lady has been visiting Sebastian, and she’s been advising and guiding him,” Lola said. “I have reason to believe that she’s with him now.”
“What in the world?” Gloria said, standing up. “Sebastian never told me about a black haired old lady. And how could she be with him now?”
Lola didn’t reply, she just passed the picture to Gloria who stared at it for a long while, and the longer she stared at it the more perplexed she appeared. But then all at once, the breath caught in her throat, and she understood. She gave the picture to Susan so that she and Mando could take a look at it, and before too long the light of recognition ignited in their eyes as well and Mando’s face went pale. Then he handed the picture to Gabi who saw what they’d seen almost immediately, and she broke down in tears. Quite concerned, Terrence wrapped his arms around her, trying his best to console her, and then much to everyone’s astonishment Gabi stopped sobbing and exploded in a sudden gale of laughter. She tried to explain herself, but it was difficult to speak while trying to wipe her tears and catch her breath at the same time. The best she could do was pass the picture to Dean who studied it for a while. He instantly got the joke, but didn’t think it was his place to say anything.
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