There was no doubt in her mind he knew what it was. She could see it in his eyes as he stood there holding his ripped off tee shirt. But God, she hated the disappointment she saw behind those black-rimmed glasses. Hated how his bronzed skin seemed to lose all color and sink from his face like melting ice-cream cone. How his jaw tightened, making him appear almost—scary.
But Elliot was one the least judgmental people she knew. He didn’t give a shit if you were gay or straight, black or blue, male or female. If you were a generally a good human, he’d take the shirt off his own back if he saw you were freezing. Unless it was a size medium, then he’d just rip—
She closed her eyes, not allowing herself to think about his dressing room performance again. About the shirt ripping, or how great his body appeared without clothes on, because that was beside the point. Elliot wasn’t judgmental, so to see him look at her in that way really hurt. She was pretty sure the vision of him, stone faced, bare chested, with his pale blue eyes meeting her stare in that dressing room mirror, would forever be burned into her hippocampus. She could practically feel the memory veining over her entire cortex, embedding itself in every crevice of her brain so she’d never forget.
But what bothered her most was the fact he’d judged her at all. What right did he have? To judge her over a tiny mark? He himself was the man wanting to find out what Mary Poppins carried in her tight little purse. Actually, now that she thought about it, he didn’t even know the love bite was from Mr. Peeking. He didn’t know quite how inappropriate it really was, yet he’d judged her. He’d simply judged her for bearing the mark at all.
The more she thought about it, the more she was reminded of The Scarlet Letter, and the angrier she became. Because she was pretty sure Elliot was being quite chauvinistic. She was about to tell him so, to really let him have it, when Ed and April dashed out of the arcade, almost crashing into her chest.
“Hey!” April said, slightly out of breath from her quick sprint. “Fancy meeting you here. We just came from your apartment.”
She looked relatively tame given her normal eccentric taste. Her signature socks were stretched up to her knees, but they were a solid red today, which somehow made her look normal.
“Oh?” Elliot asked, stopping in his tracks to hold a conversation.
“Yeah. You guys weren’t home,” Ed said, jokingly.
Him and April were like the ultra-nerdy version of Fe and Elliot. If such a thing existed. Friends, only friends, though everyone assumed they were more. Including all their millions of gaming fans around the world. Fe didn’t even blame their followers for wishing it to be true. Ed and April were adorable. Ed, and this overgrown mop of golden locks that someone fit him perfectly. And April—who was effortlessly cute, even on days when Fe was pretty sure her mission in life was to be as mismatched as possible.
They’d all been roommates their first year of college, and normally, Fe would be excited to run into them on a random Thursday…but not today. Because she was still fuming mad at Elliot right now and annoyed with the interruption.
Ed went on to tell Elliot about the new video game that had hit the market, and just like that, the two boys were down for the count, engrossed in a conversation about pixels, internet speeds, and other game geek details.
But this type of excitement was expected of Ed—expected when your best friends were YouTube stars. Ed and April lived, breathed, and presumably bathed in video games. Fe could hold her own when it came to games, but right now, she had too many other things consuming her thoughts. Like Elliot, the chauvinistic ass-hat.
Fe turned in the opposite direction, trying to calm her emotions, but apparently, her instincts for self-perseveration had not come soon enough. April narrowed her eyes, catching her gaze, obviously aware of Fe’s foul mood. She came to Fe’s side lacing her hand in the crook of Fe’s arm before pulling her over to the side of the corridor. “What are you guys doing here?” she whispered into Fe’s ear.
A waft of sweet cinnamon sugar hit Fe’s nose, and she inhaled deeply, keeping her vision locked on the pastry shop below. “Shopping.” She shrugged. “What are you doing here?”
April narrowed her eyes. “Ed needed an adapter thingy for his joy stick. We were just going to go to dinner when we saw you guys.”
“Oh?”
“Yeah, and I have to say, you looked kinda pissed. Are you guys fighting again?”
“Again?” Fe met April’s stare.
“Yeah, you know. About the incident.”
Fe braced her arms on the railing, pressing her lips together so she didn’t say too much. It was true. They’d been fighting more than usual since they kissed, but the fact April brought it up again made her ridiculously uncomfortable. She glanced over her shoulder to Elliot, who was still deep in conversation with Ed. “We weren’t fighting,” she whispered to April. “He just did something that pissed me off. I’m over it now.”
Which was true, she could never stay mad at Elliot for more than a minute. What bothered her now, however, was the fact that April was talking about “the incident” and making things weird all over again.
Yes, April was Fe’s closest female friend outside of Mrs. G, so it was natural she shared about their New Year’s kiss, but right now, she regretted it. Regretted it more than the time she wore too tight of shoes to Disney Land.
When she’d told her, she though she needed April’s opinion. That she needed an outside perspective so she could stop herself from overthinking it. Because most people in her life thought it was impossible for her and Elliot to be just best friends. She knew Ed and April were completely platonic, so she thought April would understand—but clearly not. Ever since she’d told April the intimate little secret, she wished it back. Especially when April labeled it “the incident” and made the kiss ten times bigger than it actually was.
“What are you shopping for?” April asked after a long, somewhat awkward pause.
“Clothes for Elli,” she said, turning to lean against the rail so she didn’t appear quite so pathetic. But she sucked in a breath when Ed and Elliot started walking toward them.
“Fe is giving me a makeover,” Elliot interjected, winking at her in an intimate kind of way—a way that said they both shared the same secret.
Her blood heated with his less than stellar timing, and she almost glared at him. But she stopped herself, forcing a smile, and looking straight into his light blue eyes.
If she had any type of self-control whatsoever, she would have been able to resist the face that greeted her, but there was something about Elliot’s that could thaw the most frozen of hearts. It was so boyish and genuine, so Elliot, that any bits of anger she held onto dissolved to a puddle on the floor.
“A what?” Ed and April laughed in unison.
Fe covered her mouth, because all of a sudden, she found the whole thing comical. She peered over to Elliot, waiting for him to explain.
“Wait,” Ed practically yelled. “You guys are serious?” He sauntered toward Fe, draping his arm over her shoulder. “Come,” he said close to her ear. “You must tell us your grand scheme over dinner.”
Fe wrinkled her nose and looked back at Elliot. He was two steps behind her, with one brow cocked with curiosity. “Well,” She began. “It all started when Elliot couldn’t find his way into Mary Poppins purse…”
Explaining the details of the plan to Ed and April was just the distraction she needed. It was also surprisingly entertaining to find out just how into the plan Ed seemed to be. Yes, the plan was superficial to say the least, but there was also a strategic quality that made it quite game like, and who didn’t love a good game?
“So you have four weeks?” Ed questioned, eyeing Fe and Elliot back and forth almost simultaneously.
“Yes,” Elliot agreed while eating a fry.
“And what happens then? You go into work looking like a stud-cicle and she licks you until you release your creamy center?”
April choked, elbowing Ed in the ribs. “Gr
oss.”
“I’m serious!” he said rubbing his side. “What happens then? You go into work a new man, and she magically notices you?”
Elliot’s eyes shifted to Fe, as though he hadn’t quite thought that far ahead.
She adjusted in her seat and took a large gulp of soda. “You’re having a launch party when she gets back from London, right?” she asked Elliot. “To celebrate the new acquisition?”
He nodded slowly.
“It will be then.” She shrugged. “Office parties are notorious for bringing out the slut in people.”
Elliot leaned back in his seat and cocked a brow. “I’m not so sure. I’ve been to many office parties, and I’ve never encountered any sluts.”
She laughed. “Trust me. I’ll go with you, which will instantly make you ten times more attractive—”
“How so?” April interrupted.
“Because.” She took a bite of cheeseburger and swallowed. “Women are notoriously jealous. She’ll see me with you, see your killer new confidence, and instantly become competitive. It’s science.”
April’s eyes narrowed, but her lips curved in a slow grin. “I think she’s right. There was once this guy in high-school who no one liked, but then the head cheerleader took an interest, and bam! He could have anyone he wanted.” She shrugged.
Fe lifted a brow. “See?”
Elliot filled his cheeks with air, then blew it out slowly. “That’s high school, Fe. Mary’s an adult.”
“True.” Fe braced her elbows on the table. “Though lust has no age limit. Mary Poppins may not even be good enough for you when I’m done. Ever think of that?”
He grinned and stuffed an onion ring in his mouth. “One can only hope.”
An hour later, standing at the women’s restroom after dinner, Fe leaned across the counter to give a few pumps to the soap dispenser. She felt more herself after a hefty burger in her belly. Relaxed, carefree, and actually enjoying the evening. She should have known better than to think a protein bar at lunch would have been satisfied her. Meal replacement, Ha! Maybe for a toddler.
She glanced into the mirror to check her appearance, comforted by the fact she now had a reason for her odd behavior earlier. She was just hangry that’s all. So hungry, she was easily agitated.
She moved over to the automatic dryer, and April came to stand by her side.
She met Fe’s gaze and frowned. “Won’t it be weird for you guys,” she yelled over the electric blower, rubbing her hands back in forth in an effort to make them dry faster.
“What?” Fe yelled back.
“You helping Elliot get another girl? I mean, after the incident and all.”
The dryer stopped, and the last four words came loud, clear, and precise for everyone to hear.
The
Incident
And
All
The blood left Fe’s face, and she turned to grab a paper towel from the dispenser. Screw the environment, she needed out of here. “No.” She threw the napkin in the trash. “And you really need to stop calling it that. It wasn’t an ‘incident.’ It was one kiss. A kiss that’s been long forgotten by both of us.”
April lifted her shoulders, and leaned against the wall. “How do you know it’s forgotten?”
Fe glanced around the bathroom, checking to make sure no one was listening. “Because. It’s been over three months, which is like three times longer than it takes to break a habit.” She pulled in a breath, and forced it out through her nose. “Can we just stop talking about it? Before I regret telling you anything about it in the first place.”
“Habit?” April’s eyes narrowed. “Wait—did you guys do it more than once?”
Fe rolled her eyes heavenward, and pushed one finger to her lips. “Shh…Addiction, dopamine….” But then she stopped her explanation and threw her hand in the hair. “You know what? Never mind. It was just a kiss. A kiss that only happened once. Or maybe it didn’t happen! It was so long ago, I don’t even re-mem-ber.” She turned on her heels then, exasperated by the whole conversation, and pushed the door open that lead back to the restaurant, but April’s voice halted her.
“Are you sure he’s forgotten, Fe? Have you ever thought about that?”
The question made her heart constrict. Because yes, she’d thought about it. More than once she’d thought about it. But if Elliot were still thinking about her, about their New Year’s Kiss, he wouldn’t be lusting after Mary Poppins, now would he?
It took a moment before she recovered, before she could move again, but she squeezed the door handle one more time, then let it fall closed behind her. “Stay out of it April. Just stay out of it.”
Chapter 5
They would be fine? Wouldn’t they? The question itched at her insides, making her uncomfortable all throughout the rest of their meal. Even the hot fudge sundae she’d been fantasizing about all week became tasteless. How could she enjoy sweets when she was worried about her and Elliot’s friendship? Damn April for planting that doubtful seed.
After a couple obligatory bites of the gooey dessert, she began stirring it up, until the vanilla ice cream became unrecognizable in the muddy, sludgy looking soup. April kept glancing at her with knowing eyes, but Fe ignored her, pretending she didn’t exist like a little girl covering her eyes during a game of hide and seek. Immature, yes, but something about tonight hadn’t brought out the best in Fe.
They all said their goodbyes after paying the bill, slid out of the booth, and departed in opposite sides of the restaurant. Elliot and Fe back toward the mall, and Ed and April to the parking lot.
They still had one more stop left to make before their list was complete, which meant they had to find a replacement for Elliot’s too large button up work shirts. Fe pulled Elliot into the closest department store that sufficed, went straight to the sales clerk, and told her exactly what she wanted. Something tailored, that showed off his broad shoulders, and accented his narrow waist, but this time she didn’t follow him into the dressing room. This time, she allowed him to do that bit on his own.
Even with the delay, they made it back to their apartment before 9:00pm. Fe went straight to her bedroom, proceeded to undress and get ready for bed, and then sat down on the couch with the biggest ball of dread in her stomach and waited for Elliot to join her.
It felt like eternity before he came out of the bathroom, but she pushed herself forward on the cushion and forced herself to swallow. “Elliot,” she said quietly. “Can we talk?”
She’d used the three words of doom, and his reaction when he met her stare told her he hadn’t missed any one of them. He walked slowly into the room, his flannel pajama pants hanging low on his hips, and sat down heavy on the armchair opposite her. “Everything okay?” he asked, his brows pinched together with concern.
Her skin became clammy, and she glanced down to her hands. She hated that look. Hated Elliot any other way than his loosey-goosy, relaxed self, but she needed this out in the open. For her sake…and for his.
“I just—“ But she stopped herself, because she wasn’t sure exactly where to begin. Her treasonous throat became so tight, she wasn’t confident it wasn’t trying to choke her. Fisting her hands closed on her thighs, she forced herself to swallow, determined to get this out in the open once and for all “Okay,” she began out of breath, kicking her feet up into the chair to sit criss-cross before she continued. “I need to get something off of my chest.”
“Okay…” he choked out.
She could tell he was nervous. Could tell she scared the crap out of him, but she continued. “You know how sometimes, you do things, and you don’t really mean to do them?”
She placed her feet on the floor again and pushed herself to stand, suddenly needing air. “But before you can stop yourself, the act is done, and you’re already out there, with a little black rain cloud following you around everywhere you go?” She started pacing, channeling her inner Winnie as she pulled the edge of her sleep shirt and started twirling it in
her fingers. Words flowed from her mouth like poetry from a drunken sailor. Incoherent, garbled—gibberish.
“Like that first week you start a diet, but then you see a chocolate cake, and your mind’s like, “No, Fe, don’t eat that cake. But your stomach is like, you’ve been good all day, you deserve the cake. So you take one bite, and your brain is bathed in serotonin. You stop thinking correctly, and your brain’s all Yay! This is the best idea you’ve ever had, stomach. But one bite isn’t enough, and soon you’ve eaten the whole thing?” She blew out a breath and sucked in another. “But then in the morning, your brain and stomach realize what they’ve done, that they’ve made a big, huge, horrible mistake. But it’s too late? The chocolate cake is gone, and your dad has no cake on his 44th birthday?” She turned back around, looking him straight in the eyes with blurry vision. “Know what I mean?”
He blinked a few times, slowly taking in all she said, then his forearms anchored to his upper thighs and he blinked. “I think so?” he said, drawing out the syllables in a confused manner.
She let out a relieved breath and melted back onto the couch. “Oh good,” she sighed, “Because we all make mistakes you know? I mean, one kiss isn’t worth getting your panties in a bunch over. Am I right, or am I right?”
Elliot leaned back in his seat, pinched the bridge of his nose, and shook his head. “Wait, are you talking about your hickey? Or Dad’s chocolate cake?”
She adjusted the neckline of her shirt and stood up again. “Neither.”
He stood too.
“I was talking about us, Elliot. About New Year’s Eve. About me kissing you.” She began. She started pacing again, this time a little faster, because she couldn’t believe he really hadn’t understood any of what she said. “And furthermore, I prefer the term lip branding.”
“Lip what?”
“Never-mind.” She turned to face him. “The point is, I should have never kissed you, and I’m sorry. I just want to make sure everything is good between us again.” She stopped talking, because she could feel tears climbing up her throat, and she wouldn’t let them loose. Tears were a sign of weakness, a lack of control, and she wouldn’t let them get the better of her.
Eight Steps to Alpha: A Nerdy by Nature Novel Page 4