I dropped the phone and rested my head in my hands as I felt the stress rush into my stomach. Fuck. I did this to her and it was all on me.
I left for lunch and told some of my managers that I was going home early. I knew that I wasn’t going to get any work done today. I went to my apartment and called my parents to ask for advice, though I didn’t go into detail about the woman that I was referring to or the reason she had left. I just asked them how to fix a big screw up, causing Mom to squeal with joy at the idea of me settling down. Dad had to take over the advice part of the situation.
“Do you care for her, Carter?” he asked me and I knew that I did. I was falling back in love with her at a surprising rate.
“Yes, I do,” I said.
“Then you need to prove it to her. I don’t know what happened but think about what matters the most for her. Buy some flowers and be ready to admit your wrongs. Be honest. There’s no point in trying to fix things if you’re not open with her.”
“I know, Dad. I just…hurt her,” I said, regret filling my voice. I felt like shit. “I’ve never cared about hurting a woman before.”
“We all have to learn sometime. I messed up pretty badly with your mother in the beginning and she’s still with me, even though I had a few repeats,” he assured me. I hoped to hell that he was right. “If it’s right for her, she’ll forgive you.”
I sat back on my couch. I couldn’t get her out of my fucking mind. Fucking Shane with his fucking timing. I thought for a moment before sending Vivian a text. I didn’t expect her to get back to me. She was hurt and angry when she walked out on me and I didn’t doubt that she’d ask for a transfer. Vivian wouldn’t be the type to give up her job over this, not with a son to raise.
I got myself a beer from the fridge and dropped back on the couch, losing myself in thoughts of Vivian, of our trip to LA, of our high school memories. I stood and walked to my bookshelf, searching for a photo album that I’d brought with me to New York. I found it on the top shelf and pulled it down. I sat back down and opened the thick cover that dated back to baby pictures of me. I thought that there might be some of Vivian as well since my mother was through with this kind of thing.
I glanced at the early memories of holidays and childhood as I smiled softly. I had a great life growing up and I was so eager to rush through it and live my dream. Where the hell did that get me right here in this moment?
I kept flipping through, looking at pages and pages of family photos. I lost both sets of grandparents fairly early and while I had memories of them, it was good to see their photos as well. I gazed at my paternal grandparents and smiled before focusing on my mom’s parents. I had always adored them and I looked at them for a long moment before frowning and staring at Grandma. Her eyes popped out at me.
They were green, like Vivian’s son’s eyes.
I froze for a moment. Holy fuck. I went back to pictures of me as a kid and noted the similarities before continuing to the photos of my high school period.
There were several with Vivian and I realized that her son bore a strong resemblance to both of us. I kept looking for the proof that was already in my mind. I started calculating.
I leaned back and closed my eyes. Why had she never told me? My parents didn’t know that they had a grandchild. If all this was true, I had lost five years of my son. I missed first words and steps. I hated her for not telling me but then I remembered how I’d just left. All I was interested in back then was making it big in the city. As much as I had cared for Vivian, she was easy to leave at the time. Maybe I made it easy for her to hide that I had a son. Still, I had missed out on his life.
I ordered takeout, not feeling like going to a restaurant to eat. All I could think about was Vivian and her son. I tried to watch a game when my phone lit up beside me. I glanced at it to see Shane calling. I just let it ring. I didn’t want to deal with him right now, if ever. He was the one who ruined what we were becoming, even if he didn’t know. I should have been honest with her from the start. Just like Dad said.
I needed to win her back. I needed to change my ways. I needed to prove to her that I was a good man. If he was my son, I wanted to give him everything that I could and be a part of his life. Even if Vivian didn’t want me back, he needed a father in his life. She needed help. It had to be difficult to raise a child on her own.
It all clicked into place now, why she was so worried about us getting involved. She was scared that she might lose her job and that I would find out about her secret. All of it made sense now.
I fell asleep on the couch after finishing my third beer. I dreamed that I was with Vivian through the pregnancy and living in Vermont. Our families were close and all involved in our lives. Vivian was happy and beautiful as she grew bigger with my son.
We got married just after he was born. I saw the birth in my dream and the tears that ran down her cheeks as the strongest love that I’d ever felt hit me like a freight train. I saw everything that I missed and woke up with a start as I looked out of the window to see the sky lightening.
I knew that I couldn’t sleep anymore and dressed for a run. I ran a few miles more than usual and hit the gym for an hour once I was done, all the while thinking about today. I didn’t know if Vivian was planning to come to her office today at all with her abrupt exit yesterday but she had to come into the building to see HR about the transfer. She wouldn’t just quit when she had a son to raise.
I dressed in one of my best suits before going in a little earlier than normal. I sent an email to Pam in HR to alert me immediately if Vivian showed up there and warmed up my computer as I walked to make some coffee. I wanted to make Vivian coffee and just see her today. I wanted to turn back time and make everything all right again. She deserved my honesty the same way that I did hers.
Chapter 15 - Vivian
I went home and cried it all out before Mason got home. I didn’t want him to see me like this and had always made an effort to be strong for him. I decided that we’d go out for pizza at the little place nearby that he loved and just have a good time. I had no intentions of quitting my job, I simply couldn’t afford it. I only wanted a transfer to an office where I would never see Carter again. I might have hidden something from him which I shouldn’t have, but he’d done the same to me. He used me for fun with his friend and given our past, that hurt even more than if I would have been just a random new PA. It wasn’t acceptable.
Mason and I had a great night at dinner and walked back home to have a bath and do some reading before he went to sleep. It was then that I let myself feel the pain all over again as I curled up in my bed and cried my eyes out.
A part of me wanted to just leave the job and find something else, but my life was not all about me anymore. I needed to do the best thing for Mason and I could work there and not see Carter. There had to be thousands of employees and most of them probably didn’t even know Carter. I wanted to be one of those people.
I thought about the trip to LA and how badly I wanted him that first night we made love. It felt so perfect to me, just like the nights that followed. He romanced me so well the weeks following that trip and I felt my eyes well with tears as I remembered how I had believed that he was sincere.
I wondered if he told his friend that we slept together and if it was in time for him to win the bet. How much money was I worth? It made my stomach turn to think that he had done this before with other women. The text message had mentioned a fuck list and I pinched my eyes closed.
Carter had a list. He slept with women and he and his friend bet money over it. It was sick, but I shouldn’t be surprised. He’d been a player in high school, and now he was the big man in New York City. He probably had women throwing themselves at him and I cringed as I thought about the unprotected sex that we had so many times. I would go and get tested as soon as possible. I would never be so stupid again.
Ever.
I slept poorly that night. In the morning, I took a shower before waking Mason up. I dressed
in black slacks and a white shirt. I looked in the mirror and saw my red eyes. I did what I could so Mason wouldn’t notice, pulling my hair into an easy ponytail.
He got off to school fine and I took the train in, sipping coffee as I thought about talking to Pam from HR. She was a nice woman and I’d just tell her that I wasn’t comfortable working with Carter. There didn’t have to be any accusations or knowledge of us sleeping together. She’d work with me if I wasn’t comfortable. It was a big company.
I heard the announcement of my stop and glanced up with wide eyes. I was mentally drained and forced myself to get off with the crowd. I walked the few blocks to the beautiful building that used to hold so much hope to me.
I was later than usual. I had no intention of going to Carter’s office so I went to Pam’s office and asked her PA if I could have a word with Pam. The girl’s face took on a fearful expression when I told her my name. She said that she’d notify Pam that I was here. I dropped down into a seat and sighed heavily as I grasped the little strength that I had left.
Not much later, Pam came up to me and told me to come in, scanning the hallway behind us. I followed her to her office and looked out at the buildings as I mustered up the courage to tell her what I wanted. She settled into her seat and sipped her coffee. “What can I do for you, Vivian?” I took a deep breath.
“I was hoping for a transfer, to be honest.”
“Why?” she asked, frowning at me. Concern laced her voice.
“I’m just not comfortable working for him,” I said, hoping she wouldn’t ask further.
“Is he harassing you?” she pressed on. I heard the door open behind me and her eyes stared past me. I turned to see Carter standing in the doorway. I pushed back against the seat as he strode in and stared at Pam.
“Can you leave us alone? Vivian and I need to talk,” he said coldly to her. She pushed away from her desk and shot me a sympathetic look. He was her boss and she had to do what he wanted. I closed my eyes as she left and he closed the door.
“What do you want?” I asked weakly, feeling all of my pain return.
“What are you doing here?” His voice was ragged and demanding and I sighed.
“I was asking for a transfer, Carter. I want to work here but I can’t bear the idea of working with you. I can’t see you after knowing about that text and what you did.” I stared at the floor as he pulled up a chair and sat in front of me.
“The bet was wrong but I think that you might be hiding something from me as well.” I looked at him, trying to calm down the sudden pounding of my heart. “Your son has my grandmother’s eyes, Vivian. Why the fuck does he have her eyes and I have never known a thing about him? I don’t even know his name.” I started to cry as he leaned closer. “Is he my son?”
I rested my face in my hands and cried harder. “I’m so sorry, Carter,” I said in between two sobs. “Yes. Mason is your son.” I heard him push back the chair. He said something to Pam before leaving the room. I reached for a tissue from her desk to clean myself up before she’d come in. But it was useless.
“He said that you won’t be leaving the company, Vivian,” Pam said as she closed the door behind her. “Listen, I don’t know what happened between you but go ahead and take the day off until I hear more. It will be paid per his orders.” She looked sad and curious as I nodded and reached for another tissue.
“Thank you. I’ll wait for your call,” I said in a shaking voice. I stood and took a deep breath. I had no idea what was going to happen but it sounded like I still had a job. I just didn’t have Carter.
I left the building and took the train home, ignoring the looks from the other passengers as I kept crying. Everything was uncertain right now, apart from the fact that I was getting paid for today. I was getting paid to lose my mind and know that my son’s father hated me. I was pretty sure I hated him for what he did as well but that didn’t seem to matter as much right now. I was in love with him and my lie ruined any chances with him.
I made my way home once I was at my stop, locking myself inside the house for a few hours before Mason came home. It was a repeat of yesterday with an even more uncertain future. I didn’t know what I was going to do except try the best I could for my son. We’d be okay together. I had always taken care of him on my own and I could keep doing that.
I could do this without Carter. I could get over him all over again and be stronger for it. I cried until it was time for Mason to come home. I rinsed my face with cold water before calling Lainie to tell her that I’d get him today.
Chapter 16 - Carter
I left the office with her words playing through my mind. His name was Mason and he was my son.
I knew that I didn’t want Vivian to lose her job but I needed time to think about things before I made a final decision. I needed space and I went to the gym and worked out for an hour as I made a plan.
I thought about what my dad told me and considered both lies. Both were awful and while the lie about my son seemed to be so much worse, in theory, Vivian had been hurt badly when she read that text. We both lied and had both been hurt, but did it mean that it was over between us? I loved Vivian and knew now that I had for years. I wanted to know and love my son at the very least.
I left the gym and showered before going to my SUV in the parking garage. I didn’t drive it often but I needed the room today and some privacy. I had a lot of errands to run. I went to the best toy store that I knew and walked through the aisles. I knew that Vivian didn’t have a huge apartment so I only spent a few hundred dollars before carrying the bags to my car. I loaded them in the truck and drove to another store to make a purchase for Vivian. I wanted to impress her and show her that I loved her. I wanted to make things right.
My last stop was for Thai food since that was her favorite. It always had been. I took the big bag of food and headed to her place in Brooklyn. I managed to get into the building as another tenant was leaving and knocked on her door, blood pounding through my veins as I waited.
The door opened and Vivian stared at me in silence. She looked like she’d been crying all day and she searched my face before she looked down at the bags at my feet. “What are you doing here?”
“Where is he?” I asked as she looked back into the apartment.
“He’s in his room right now.”
“I want to be a part of your lives, Vivian. I know that I left earlier but I needed to think and this is what I came up with.” I handed her the huge bouquet of flowers and gestured at the bags at my feet. Vivian took the flowers with a shocked look on her face.
“Our lives?” Her voice was low and I nodded. I saw movement behind her. It was Mason. He walked forward to stare at the bags around my feet.
“What’s all this stuff?” he asked in a shy voice as he looked over the bags and then at me. “Who are you?”
“This is my friend, Carter,” Vivian spoke quickly and I looked at her. “Meet Mason.”
We shook hands as he kept looking from me to his mother. She invited me in and she and Mason helped me with the bags. We went into the small living room and started opening the bags. I showed him the things that I had bought for him while Vivian was watching us. He looked at the toys with wide eyes. I helped him get them out of the packages. “Why did you bring me this?” he asked me with a questioning gaze. “It’s not my birthday or Christmas.”
“I just stopped by the store and thought you might like some of this stuff. When is your birthday?” I asked him.
“October eighteenth,” he told me as I grinned at him. “I have to wait for a few months.”
“You have this stuff to tide you over,” I gestured to the toys as he started to play with a toy that you put together. I looked at Vivian. “Are you guys hungry? I brought food. Thai, your favorite.” Vivian shot me a shy smile.
“Yes, I’m hungry!” Mason abandoned the toys and ran towards the kitchen as I dropped my head back and laughed. I already loved this kid. I watched as his beautiful mother led him to the ki
tchen to get him a plate.
I went after them and put the bag on the counter. Vivian spooned food onto Mason’s plate and put it on the table for him. “Thank you for all of this,” she said, giving me a grateful look as we fixed our plates too, speaking in low voices.
“He’s a great kid, Viv. And I’m not just saying that because he’s mine. You did an amazing job.” I smiled at her as she blinked. “I want to take care of both of you.”
“I’m sorry. I kept him from you and your family.” Her voice was low and she stared at the counter for a moment.
“We’ll talk about it later. Let’s eat first,” I suggested and we took our plates to the small table. I asked Mason all about school and his favorite activities. I found out that Vivian raised him to be a hockey fan. I asked him if he’d like to see some games with me and he nodded with wide eyes. I told him that we could even meet the players some time and he stared at Vivian.
“Can we. Mom?” She nodded and gave me a soft smile before we cleaned up the dishes. Vivian gave Mason his bath while I waited in the living room. I ended up reading to him in his bed, watching his eyes blink slowly as he fought sleep.
Once he was asleep, I made my way to the living room and found Vivian curled up on the couch in leggings and a worn t-shirt. She asked me how it went. “He likes to fight sleep, doesn’t he?” I asked as she nodded with a chuckle. “It went well. He likes to be read to.”
“Yes, he does.” She smiled sweetly as she looked at me. “Do you hate me?”
“I was angry once I realized that he was mine. I won’t lie. Why didn’t you tell me?” She took a deep breath.
“I knew that you wanted to leave our hometown to make it big. I found out that I was pregnant after you left and I thought long and hard about what I was going to do. I decided not to tell you because I didn’t want you to come back to me just because of the baby. I didn’t want you to sacrifice your dreams for me. I was afraid you’d never love me once you realized what you’d have to give up for us. I knew that if I really loved you, I’d have to let you go, let you live your dreams.” Vivian shrugged as a sad look crossed her face. “I never forgot you though. I thought about you so much. I loved you even when I let you go.”
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