I press my hand over hers, doing everything I can do make the bleeding stop. She says something but it’s inaudible in the chaos, so I lean in. “Talk to me baby, stay with me,” I mutter. “We’re getting you to the hospital.”
“Jude,” she whispers.
“I know. I am so sorry. I fucked everything up. I should have never left,” It’s at that moment I realize I am crying. Not just crying, I am sobbing in a state of hysterical helplessness. I haven’t shed a tear since the day I first visited my sister after the attack. 14 fucking years without allowing myself to feel anything other than numb rage. I promised I wouldn’t let myself feel that kind of pain again, and I keep my promises. But ever since I met Mia, all I have done is break them. I’d fucking gladly break any promise for her. My chest heaves jaggedly, pushing out an endless stream of tears.
I press my face to hers, kissing her clammy forehead. Her body temperature is dropping. I rip off my jacket and cover her.
“You’re gonna be fine. Our baby is gonna be fine,” I tell her. It’s a lie. Mia is slipping away, and there’s no way a pregnancy this early on could survive a shot to the lower abdomen.
I should have never left Mia alone. But never did I think Jude would do something like this. She had only killed one person, and that was with me by her side. Above all, I never thought Jude would hurt me like this. For all of Jude’s barking, it was me who did the biting.
I don’t even think Jude cared if Mia lived or died, she just wanted to make sure Mia suffered the same curse as she did.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean what I said,” she says to me in a throaty voice. “I didn’t give up on you.”
“I know, babe. Don’t worry about that. I am so fucking sorry for everything. But you can’t leave me.” I mush my face harder against hers and plead into her ear. “You can’t leave me. I can’t live without you. You’re the best fucking thing, babe. There’s nobody like you,” I whisper, tasting a mixture of her blood and salty tears on my lips.
“No one like you,” she says, pushing out a thin smile through the pain.
I look up to see where we are. “How long?” I shout. “Hurry the fuck up!”
“I’m going as fast as I can! Another minute,” Rex, says frantically. “Hold on Mia, we’re almost there,” he chokes out from the driver’s seat. His eyes are red, his face is wet with tears. Rex had watched Mia for years and I don’t think she realized that he had grown somewhat attached to her too, especially when he found out she was innocent.
Her face, usually illuminated by a peachy glow, grows grey. And I cry the words to her I have been too much of a fucking asshole to even think to myself. “I love you. I love you, Mia. Please don’t die on me. Oh god, please.”
Tears flow from her eyes. “I love you,” she mouths. “It’s okay...”
Flashes of the helplessness I felt when I watched Jude get ravaged overtake me. So I do what I did that night. I don’t know if it’ll work, but I’ll try anything. I don’t care if I am punished again for only praying when I need something. Or not even believing in the deity I pray to. Let me take the fall, let me suffer, just please let Mia live.
The score will never be even. There is always collateral damage. It’s like a rogue form of interest. When I killed the people who hurt me and Jude, innocent people were hurt too. Children lost their parents, an entire town lost its livelihood, sisters lost their brothers. It never ends. All Jude and I have done is spread our pain like a virus. Now the score is racked up against me. And now I have a debt to pay. And I’ll spend the rest of my life paying if it means that Mia doesn’t have to. I deserve the punishment, but she never deserved any of this. She never deserved the bearer of destruction that is me. I’ll live in misery everyday if it means she can live a good life.
The day I found out she was innocent and I walked out of her house, I should have left town. I should have changed my name. I should have never let her find me again. Because I knew better than to think I could stay away. I can’t say no to Mia.
Still whispering into her ear I mutter, “If you exist, please, let her live. I’ll go away. I’ll let her have a normal life. I’ll let her have the life she deserves. I’ll let her be happy. I’ll make this right. Please, don’t let her die.”
The car comes to a screeching halt. Rex pops out and opens the door. I look down and her lids are barely parted. “Nonono,” I murmur to myself as I run out of the car towards the sliding doors of the hospital.
“Somebody help!” I scream running through the emergency room. Patients gasp and cover their children’s eyes as nurses swarm us. “She’s been shot!”
“Sir, you need to hand her to us.” Like a colony of ants, they sweep her away and I stand there in shock, my white dress shirt soaked in the blood of my girl and the child we will never meet. “Sir? Sir? What happened sir?”
“Someone shot her. I walked in and she was on the floor. I don’t know how long she was lying there.”
Her pulse is tachy!
We need a surgeon stat!
BP is plummeting!
Get a blood-type and match!
We need a crash cart!
“Sir? Sir! Do you know if she has any allergies to medication?” A nurse asks loudly, as I desperately watch Mia disappear behind some double doors.
I collapse against the nearest wall in sheer devastation. “She’s pregnant,” is all I can muster. There’s nothing I can do to save her. Fate, that cruel, heartless bitch came back for more.
“Are you her husband?”
“No—but I’m the father—I don’t know anything about her fucking medical issues. Stop talking to me and go save her!” I shout at the nurse.
“Bro...” I feel Rex’s hands rest on my shoulders and my knees buckle for a moment. “I got you man,” Rex says, sympathetically. “She’s gonna be okay.”
I turn to face him. He looks like a fucking mess. His hair is every which way, he has no shirt on underneath his jacket, his eyes are red. That’s when I notice he’s not even wearing shoes. He understands how bad this whole thing is. Rex knows me well enough to understand my typical reaction to death. He knows this is different for me.
“I heard her coding.” I can’t bring myself to say she’s dead.
“The cops are gonna be here soon,” Rex whispers.
Ever since the attack, I have had an inherent distrust of the law and it’s ability to bring justice to those who deserve it.
Jude. I need to find Jude.
The cops should be here any minute since it’s a gunshot wound. If I don’t leave now, Jude will be long gone. I made a promise I would make this right. And when it comes to anyone but Mia, I keep my motherfucking promises.
“Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!” I scream. My hands leave imprints of Mia’s blood all over the dashboard as I beat it. “I need to find Jude right away. She had to have left some hint of where she is going on her computer or something. You know how to look that shit up, right?”
Rex scratches his head uncomfortably. “...What are you gonna do to her, man?”
There’s an uncertainty in his eyes that I don’t like. His loyalties are divided. Of course. He’s in love with Jude. “Pull over,” I say through my teeth.
“What?”
“I said pull over!” I grab the steering wheel and jerk it towards the side of the road. A driver blares his horn at us and narrowly misses the car’s bumper.
“Tax, what the hell?”
I grab him by the collar. “Where is she?”
“I don’t know!”
I twist the fabric of his shirt in my hands. “Where the fuck is she! You know something dammit. She tells you everything.”
His eyes turn down. “I didn’t know about any of this Tax. What the fuck? You know I would have never let her do what she did if I had known. I like Mia, bro.” He sighs, shaking his head. “I’m the one who convinced you to give her a chance, remember?”
I ease up on my grip, realizing I am spiraling out of control and need to keep my head on if
I have any chance of making this right.
Rex sighs, the words come out of his lips bitterly. “Jude sent me a text while we were driving to the hospital. I didn’t see it until you went in.”
“And you were gonna hide it from me?”
“I don’t want you to kill her!” he shouts. “She’s your fucking sister!”
“She is MY sister. And I need to see to her. Rex, you don’t get to sit this fucking battle out. You don’t get to just step out of the way. You are in it, right in the middle. If you don’t tell me what you know, you are fucking dead to me.” I tighten my grip around his collar.
“Tax, I think we all need to lay low. Just cool our heads.”
I pull him up and slam him back down against his seat. “You get one more fucking chance to tell me. Do the right thing. Don’t fucking choose Jude over me. I swear to god you will regret that for the rest of your life. You know no matter what you feel about her, what she did—she fucking shot Mia!” I scream in frustration.
Tears stream down Rex’s eyes. “I can’t choose, man...”
“You don’t have a choice,” I say, easing up on his collar. “This shit ends.”
Each word comes out of his mouth like a heavy weight. For once, he has to choose between the two most important people in his life. Rex isn’t like me or Jude. He does fucked up things, but it’s out of fierce loyalty to us, never out of malice. But he knows deep down inside that whatever attachment he has to Jude, she is dead fucking wrong on this.
“Her message came from a different cell number. She wanted to know what was going on. She wasn’t sure what we knew. She only knew you were pissed at her for telling Mia everything. I don’t think she knows we found Mia or that we even know what happened to her yet.”
“And?”
“I ignored the question. I asked where she was. She hasn’t answered. I just wanted to stay out of it.”
“Sorry brother. Not this time.”
I piece together the timeline of events. The last time I called Jude, I was on the way to her house, angry about the argument. If she’s hiding somewhere, she doesn’t know I know she took her gun and money. She doesn’t know I found Mia dying in a pool of her own blood. I can use this to my advantage.
The best way to find Jude is to give her what she wants: to be needed. To be the shoulder I lean on.
I release Rex’s collar and grab my cell phone.
“What are you doing?” he asks.
“Give me the new number. I’m sending her a message.”
Where are you? I need to talk to you. I’m sorry I overreacted. You were right about Mia. She kicked me out of her house. Now she’s in the hospital and no one will give me details. I think she might have hurt herself. Or...was it you? If you did, I understand now. I never should have gone off course. I fell for her shit again. I should have finished things the way we planned.
It’s a longshot, but no one knows Jude like I do. She’s never been alone. It’s her greatest fear. And now, I am allowing her to believe that the scheme is finally working. That she has a chance to ride off into the sunset like our original plan. Jude can be cold and calculating, sometimes seemingly impenetrable. But I know the parts of her that are easy to manipulate, parts of her that are almost childlike.
We start to drive back towards the house when I get a message from the new number.
I did this all for you. I love you. I couldn’t stand to see you falling for her like that. I knew she was going to hurt you again. She doesn’t love you, she only loved a version of yourself that you put forth. I had to show you that to spare you the pain. She’s not like us. Now we can all move forward.
Where are you, Jude? If you did this, things are gonna get hot for you if she makes it. I need to make sure we get you out of the country safely.
She knows she needs my help. She already fucked up by messaging me and Rex on our main cell phones. Jude is all emotion, and emotion clouds your judgment.
You promise you won’t hurt me?
Never. I am pissed. Not at you, but at Mia, and myself. I’m sorry I didn’t listen. I’ll move on like I always do. It’s what we do.
Please remember I did this because I love you. I miss you. I’ve gone home.
Of course. She’s going home. Clint, Iowa, the place where we lost our innocence, a ghost town, the perfect place to lay low.
“Get me to the garage,” I say to Rex without hesitation.
The warehouse. No matter how much money we have, we will always be outlaws. We are always ready to drop our lives in a moment’s notice. The plan was always to run together if the need arose, which is why Jude might be struggling a little. She doesn’t have Rex to help cover her tracks. She doesn’t have me leading the group. She’s put herself on an island now.
The warehouse, the one where I led Mia on my run, is a property I own. In it, I have a several vehicles stored. Each with new passports, cash, and burner phones. The vehicles have fake registrations. It’s exactly the kind of shit one needs to vanish.
“You gonna go like that?” he asks softly, motioning to me with his eyes.
I pull down the visor mirror and peek at my reflection. Things have moved so fast, I haven’t really had time to absorb the sheer brutality of it all. Only small hints of my white shirt peek through deep red. My face, hands, and neck are all streaked with crimson. My hair is crusted with dry blood.
Mia. Mia’s dead.
There’s no way she could have survived. And if by some miracle she did, I’ll never see her again. My vision starts to tunnel, but I take a few deep breaths to shut down the flood of emotions. I have to keep my mind focused on finding Jude. It’s the only thing I can control right now. It’s the only thing I can do for Mia. But I don’t want to take off the shirt. It’s all I have left of her.
“Yes. Let’s go,” I say.
“She took one of the cars,” Rex says, as we open up the garage door.
“No shit,” I say, tossing my phone to him so my whereabouts won’t be traceable. “You know the burner number. Now go find out about Mia, and tell me what you know. Sweep Jude’s place just in case. We don’t want this shit falling back to other things we’ve done. Get in touch with our lawyers, you know what to tell them. We need to buy me some time before we talk to the cops.” I am in mission mode. I can’t think about Mia. If I do, I’ll fucking lose it.
“I got you, bro.” Rex looks at me with mournful eyes. “Please...” he says.
Three hours and forty-five minutes. That’s how long the drive from Milwaukee, to Clint, Iowa is. I blare the music in the car as loud as I can, trying to distract myself from the intense agony. I keep hoping Mia is alive, but I know she won’t make it. I’m going to live with this burden. Or maybe I won’t. If Mia’s gone, I have no reason to live. If Mia’s gone, I will make Jude pay. Not by killing her, but making her watch me kill myself.
There is no bigger price for Jude to pay, than to lose me after trying so desperately to keep me in her grasp.
I drive as fast as I can without drawing attention, dusk shields me from the prying eyes of other drivers or police on the road.
Fierce determination to get to Jude numbs the devastation.
Rex messages:
Trying to get word. Can’t go to the hospital. Tiff cursed me out when I called. She’s hysterical.
I just need to make it these next few hours. Don’t think about Mia. Don’t fall apart. Find Jude. You made a promise you would make this right.
No matter how many times I chant that to myself, despair rips out of my chest at random moments. I’ll bark out a cry, or scream, or punch the steering wheel. It only lasts a moment, then I stuff it back in, like a beast that momentarily escaped a cage.
The sky turns from swirls of orange, red, and blue into indigo as I exit for Clint. I haven’t been here in eight years. I never thought I would find myself here again. I wiped this shit hole off the map so no one, including myself, would ever have a reason to come here.
Moments later, I am driv
ing along main street. Boarded up windows, shattered glass, half-fallen signs, and trash is what’s mostly left. It’s hard to believe this town once thrived, that families walked their kids to the ice cream shop, parades marched down this street. Now it’s a corpse.
I turn down several streets and towards the road that leads to the forest where I once called home.
Home.
That word gives most people a sense of comfort, belonging. For me, it has always been foreboding. A place of fear, isolation and anger. A place I longed to forget. And yet, I find myself back here again. It pulls me in. No matter how far away I go, it never fucking releases me. Or maybe it’s the other way around.
I pull into the path leading to our old house. It’s overgrown from years of never being accessed, but still manageable.
My thoughts go back to the night Jude and I raced down in our dad’s pickup, desperately trying to make the meet up with Mia, completely unaware that we were about to face our destruction.
I pull up to the dilapidated double wide, covered in rust, siding dangling. My stomach churns. All these years, and this place still makes me uneasy. There is a glow coming from the inside, radiating brightly in the darkness of the surrounding wilderness.
I check my phone. Nothing from Rex yet. This should make me hopeful. No news should mean she’s alive, but I won’t allow myself to feel hope. I am damned.
The door creaks loudly as I pull it open. The stench of cigarettes fills the small space.
My eyes go to the single light in the home.
Jude is sitting at the table, a small handheld lamp resting on it just beside her, a trail of cigarette smoke slithering above her head.
I resist the urge to smash her face into the table. I’m here to end my life, and let her walk this earth in a state of limbo.
“I found this old pack of cigarettes in a tin. Stale as shit, but I figured today is a better day than any to start smoking again,” she says, without looking back. I think she’s in shock.
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