Debt

by Nina G. Jones

  I don’t say a word.

  “I know this is hard Tax. But I can tell you are already understanding,” she turns to face me, but I remain tucked away in the shadows.

  “I am,” I say through a clenched jaw.

  “Remember the last time we were here?” she asks.

  “I do,” I say, taking a few steps forward, but stopping just short of the glow of the small lamp.

  “Eight years ago. We came back for dad.” She laughs wistfully. “You worked out so hard to be big and strong so you could take him on. And when we got here, what we found was a weak, broken drunk who could barely lift his head off of the couch.”

  I spot the gun she used on Mia resting on the table. My veins surge with rage so strong, I begin to tremble. Breathe. Keep cool.

  “You held him down, and we force fed him can after can of beans. He would puke and we’d make him keep going. That’s who we are. That’s why I did all this. It was only a matter of time before Mia turned on you again. Her life has been too easy, she could never understand the things people like you and me have to do. I knew that she would turn on you without hesitation. We had to make the first move. You were slipping away,” she says, coming to her feet to face me. She gasps when she gets a good look at me. Her lips quiver. She’s never pulled the trigger herself, and clearly when she did with Mia, she left before she could even see the damage.

  “That’s Mia,” I say. “She’s all over me.”

  “But I thought you hadn’t seen her.”

  “I found her, Jude.”

  Jude takes a half step back.

  “I’m not here to hurt you. I lied because I wanted to see you, that’s all. If I told you I knew right away, I thought you might not give me the chance.”

  “Do you know if she...”

  “Not yet.”

  She nods. “It’s for the better. I didn’t mean to kill her. I just wanted to be even. I wanted her to know what it’s like to have the ability to conceive stripped from you.”

  “What happened to you?” I ask.

  “What?”

  “What happened to the girl who I used to sit with at this table who would steal my food? Laugh about life no matter how bad things were? All this time, I kept thinking if I made everyone who ever hurt us disappear, I would get her back. How could I not have seen that girl died that night at the lake?“

  “It’s the same thing that happened to you, Tax. We never had a chance. I thought you said you understood.”

  “I do, Jude. I understand now more than I ever did.”

  My phone buzzes with an alert.

  I pull the phone out of my pocket.

  She’s gonna make it! That’s all I know.

  Those words, they rip me open. And everything I tried to shut out erupts. Tears trickle down my blood-stained face, puffs of air release from my chest as I mask the smiles of relief.

  “What is it?” Jude asks.

  I look down for a moment. Pivot.

  “She’s dead,” I sob.

  “It’s gonna be okay.”

  “I know,” I say through a mixture of joy and heartache.

  “I’ll lay low, go somewhere far and establish a new identity. You and Rex can meet me soon after. Right? You guys can cover this up, can’t you?”

  “Yes we can,” I say.

  “Then we can travel the world, just like we planned we would. Finally, we get to move on.”

  “I know,” I say, my chest heaving with the knowledge of what I have to do. Mia’s not dead. But as long as Jude is alive, she will never be safe.

  “I know things feel like shit now, but they are all going to go back to normal. I promise,” Jude says, cradling my face in her hand.

  “Can you grab the gun? We have to get rid of it,” I say. “It’s a murder weapon.”

  “Of course, it’s why I didn’t leave it at the scene,” she says proudly, reaching over for it. She grabs it, and as soon as she turns to face me, I bear hug her tiny frame.

  She stiffens at first from the pressure of the hug, but then she relaxes.

  “I love you,” I whisper in her ear.

  “I love you too Tax. I’d do anything for you.”

  “I’m sorry, Jude.”

  I slide my hand down to the one with the gun and grab it. “Ouch, Tax...what are you doing?” she asks. She tries to fight back, but her resistance barely registers. “Tax, what are you doing?” Her big brown eyes grow with fear.

  I lean in and whisper in her ear. “She was pregnant. You killed my baby, but you didn’t kill Mia. I promised if you touched her, I would kill you,” I say. “I fucking warned you.”

  “Tax!” she yells, as I push her against the table, holding her down with my bodyweight. I turn the gun up under her chin. “Tax!” she yells, her eyes watering. “Oh god. A baby? I didn’t know...If I had known, I would never!”

  “I know. Because it’s all about what works for your needs.”

  Her eyes fill with tears. “Please, I love you, Sil. Don’t let her do this...I didn’t know. I would have loved that child...”

  “I would never have let you touch my child.”

  And then I pull the trigger. A guttural cry escapes my body as my sister’s skull explodes onto the ceiling and wall behind her. I let her lifeless body fall back and I collapse onto the floor, soaked in the blood of the only two women I ever loved.

  Jude killed my child. She almost killed the only other woman I ever cared for. Jude stopped caring about right and wrong a long time ago. As long as Jude existed, she would keep pulling me back to that night over and over. Jude was home.

  I sit there in stunned silence, overwhelmed by the sheer volume of loss. When I regain some presence of mind, I clench Jude’s small limp hand and wail. I hold it until it goes cold.

  My wombmate, my tiny little sister, is now just another corpse in my wake.

  But Jude’s been dead for years now, and she’d never be whole again. I had no choice. Even if I would never know my child, I had to avenge its death.

  Now I am untethered. Mia is alive. But I made a promise that if she lived, I wouldn’t selfishly come back.

  I have destroyed Mia.

  I killed her father. I tormented her. I put her in Jude’s path. Without her consent, I gave her a child she will have to mourn for the rest of her days.

  We will always be a reminder of the other’s pain. Looking at Mia will always remind me of the fact that I killed my sister. But Mia never had a say in that. All of the pain I caused Mia was willful.

  I’ve never cared about doing the right thing, I just wanted the just thing. An eye for a motherfucking eye.

  I knew I would hurt her, and I kept going back to her, because I am self-serving. Just once, I want to do right by Mia.

  She will never have the life she deserves with me. She’ll always have to mask the agony I put her through. People don’t forget pain.

  I of all people should know that.

  The first thing I notice is how hard it is to swallow. When I open my mouth to speak, nothing comes out. My blurred vision focuses on the collection of tubes hovering around me. I become acutely aware of the beeping sound just beside me. My baby. I want to ask about my baby, but I am trapped. I feel for the tubes, grasping for them, trying to pull them off of me.

  “Mia, calm down honey, you’re in the hospital. Don’t pull on anything.” Tiff says, grabbing my hand. I try to take a breath, but the tubes make me feel like I don’t have control of my own body. My eyes dart around the room for Tax. The memories crash upon me like violent waves, each one threatening to pull me under again: How Jude told me what Tax did. The argument. The pregnancy test. How Jude showed up to my place and after saying only a few words, quickly pointed a gun at my abdomen and fired, leaving me to slowly die as I begged for help.

  I thought about all the things I would never get to tell Tax. I thought I would die having only said that I had given up on him, that all he ever did was hurt me. I felt myself getting weaker, drifting away to a quiet pl
ace. And then he was there. My dark knight.

  And I knew that if I died, at least I could tell him about the child we conceived, and that I was sorry. But what I got was so much more. He told me the things I was never sure he felt. He poured his words and emotions on me. It hurt to see his pain, but I also felt comforted in those words. That if I died, at least I had been able to find what I was looking for and at least Tax knew what it was like to find that too. At least I had achieved that.

  Doctors and nurses come into the room. Reading vitals, shining lights into my eyes. I keep trying to ask questions, but my voice is obstructed.

  “Mia, don’t try to speak. You are intubated. We are going to pull the tube out. It’s going to feel uncomfortable.”

  They pull the long tube out of my mouth, a strong choking sensation makes me gag. And then I am free. I cough, touching my throat, signaling for water.

  A nurse hands me some. My throat almost feels foreign, as I try to activate my voice. “Baby...” is all I can say.

  The nurse and the doctor look at each other uncomfortably.

  “Ma’am, I need to speak to her privately,” he says to Tiff, who appears to be in a new state of shock.

  “No,” I say.

  “Okay,” the doctor sighs. “Ms. Tibbett, you were shot twice in the pelvic region. Your uterine artery was grazed, the force of one of the bullets fractured your ilium, a bone of your pelvic region. The other directly hit an ovary. We were able to remove the bullet and stop the bleeding. You lost a lot of blood Mia, we had to transfuse five pints. We believe your ilium will heal well, due to your fitness and age. Now regarding the artery, there was no way a fetus could withstand that type of trauma. We had to go in fast to save your life. And I am so sorry to say, it is highly unlikely with the trauma to your uterus and with the complete loss of an ovary, you will be able to conceive. I won’t say impossible, but it will be difficult. We can set you up with a reproductive specialist. They can give you a better idea of your chances. There may be alternative options.”

  I glance over at Tiff, who squeezes my hand as her eyes fill to the brim with tears. I doubt she even knew I was pregnant.

  I fight to keep it all together, but seeing Tiff’s green eyes is like looking into a reflective pool of my own sadness. Tears fall down the side of my face. I don’t try to wipe them, I let them stew, wetting the pillow just to the side of my ears.

  “Where’s Tax?” I ask Tiff.

  “I don’t know,” she says. An angry frown emerges. I know she blames him for everything. “Rex called a few times to check on you, but he won’t answer any of my questions. I don’t know where they are.”

  “They saved me.” I tell her.

  She bites her lips together, for once keeping her mouth shut when I know all she wants to do is scream. She looks up, one tear, then two roll down her cheek as she shakes her head. She tries to move her lips to say something, but they tremble and she stops.

  “Is my phone here? I’ll call him.”

  “I think the police have it. They were in your house.”

  “Call Rex. I want to speak to Tax.”

  “You just woke up, honey.”

  “Just do it please.”

  She hesitantly grabs her phone, calls and puts the phone to her ear. “She’s awake. She wants to speak to Tax...No, you fucking tell her...I won’t do it.”

  She jolts the phone in my direction. I hold it against my ear. “Hello?”

  “Hey Mia. How are you feeling?”

  “Where’s Tax?” I ask.

  “Can I visit you?”

  My chest begins to rumble as I fight tears. I need Tax. But I know what Rex can’t bring himself to tell me. “I have some things for you. Have you spoken to the police yet?”

  “No.”

  “There’s nothing they can do. Tax made it right. I need to bring you something, but until you clear my name I shouldn’t see you. Both Tax and I are people of interest.”

  “Made it right?”

  “There’s nothing left to do, Mia,” Rex says. His voice is rough with emotion. “Just tell them Jude did it. Everything else is handled.”

  “I want to see Tax.”

  “We’ll talk about it when I see you. I’m sorry for all of this. You never deserved it.” Then silence.

  I clutch the phone to my chest and sob.

  “Ms. Tibbett. I’m Detective Schuler and this is Detective Bishop. I know this is a very difficult time for you, but we have some questions about what happened to you.”

  I know Tax, they are already too late. He only trusts himself to take care of things. I don’t know what that means in Jude’s case, but I’ll let Tax execute his own brand of justice. The truth is, I am too heartbroken to speak. I just want to lie here alone in silence. Just be as still as possible. Maybe if I do that, the pain will disappear.

  “Ask,” I say, choking back tears.

  “Can you tell us what happened the afternoon of the assault?”

  “I came out of my bathroom, and I saw my boyfriend’s sister waiting for me. She said she came in through an unlocked door. She didn’t like my relationship with her brother.”

  “Your boyfriend?”

  “Yes, Tax Draconi.”

  “And his friend’s name?”

  “Rex. I don’t remember his last name. He always just went by Rex.”

  “Could you identify these men?” He puts a still shot of Tax and Rex from hospital surveillance in front of me.

  “That’s Tax and Rex.”

  “And you and Tax. Were things good?”

  “Yes. He saved my life. His sister had issues with our relationship. Tax and I were fine. ”

  “Could you elaborate?”

  “They were twins, she thought I was getting in the way, I guess.”

  “Have you spoken to your boyfriend? Since the incident.”

  “I’m tired,” I say. “You know who did it. I don’t want to talk anymore.”

  The detectives look at each other skeptically and sigh. “It’s important you tell us everything you know. We’re looking for Judith. Did she indicate to you where she might be headed? Even a small hint?”

  “No. She only told me she wanted me gone. She didn’t say much before she shot me. She only said she didn’t think I deserved him, and then she shot me so quickly. I barely had time to scream.”

  “And your boyfriend? Do you think he might know?”

  “He wouldn’t protect her for doing this. I was pregnant with his child, as I am sure you know. We were happy. Why don’t you ask him? Now, please, I want to be alone.”

  “Ma’am it’s important—“

  “I want to be alone,” I say firmly.

  “We’re confident Judith will be found. Your boyfriend is a very powerful man,” Bishop says, on his way towards the door. “He’s got great lawyers. He’s adamant about helping us find her.”

  They can sense I am hiding something. They have no fucking idea the extent of it.

  A few minutes after they leave, Tiff returns. I use her phone to call Rex.

  “I told them Jude did it, and you and Tax saved me. I won’t speak to them again. You’re off the hook. There’s no way they can come after you guys when I am swearing your innocence. Now tell me what you have to tell me.”

  “I’ll be there soon.”

  Soon is five days from my phone call. After my first day of physical therapy, I sit in my wheelchair, looking out a window, wondering when I will see Tax. I made Tiff go home and shower. She’s been here around the clock, and she needs some rest.

  “Mia,” Rex says softly.

  I turn around to face Rex. Normally carefree and bubbly, he looks pained. He’s experienced tremendous loss too.

  Seeing him makes the emotions I had been suppressing all week roar back to the surface. I hadn’t cried since the day I awoke. I dissolved into a state of numbness. The pain was too much. Missing Tax, losing the baby, sometimes I thought I would stop breathing under the clutch of sadness. If I turned it all off, t
hen maybe I could survive.

  But Rex is my only connection to Tax, and seeing him reminds me how much I miss him. How much I need him.

  “He’s not with you?” I ask.

  Rex looks down, his hands tucked into his pockets. “No.”

  “Where is he?”

  “I don’t know. He wanted me to give this to you.”

  He pulls out a thick manila envelope tucked under his arm. I slide out the contents. On top is a handwritten letter from Tax.

  Years ago, I wrote you a letter that never found you. And for so long, I thought you had read it, and turned it against me. But now I realize, you never even knew the words that had changed the course of our lives. I think I owe it to you. I still remember most of it, and it all still rings true.

  Mia,

  I have to admit, writing this is one of the scariest things I have ever done, but I think telling you how amazing I think you are is worth it.

  I’ve sat in the back of class all year wondering if a guy like me might ever have a chance with a girl like you. I still don’t know if I do. But I want to tell you that being your friend has been one of the best things that ever happened to me. You make me feel like I’m not a freak. You make me feel like I belong.

  I think you are an amazing person, and you deserve the best. I know you think of me as a friend, but I see you as more. Maybe it won’t be me, but I think you deserve someone who will treat you like a queen. It might not be my business, but you deserve better than Tripp. You deserve the world. And if I was ever lucky enough to be that guy, I would make you the happiest. But if not, I hope that you find that with someone one day.

  Sincerely,

  Sil

  I fucked up Mia. I fucked everything up. I still think you deserve the world. I wish I was that guy. I wish I didn’t destroy the things I love. But I love you too much to keep hurting you. And I have already done too much wrong to make things right.

  I bet sitting here, you think you’ve seen the filthy pit of my soul, but there are still things you don’t know. Your pregnancy was my doing. I snuck into your house and replaced your birth control pills. I did it because I thought having my child would end Jude’s anger and keep you safe, but it doesn’t matter why I did it. Even when I try to be good, I am bad. Even when I try to do right by you, I only hurt you. I wanted it all, and now you will live with the pain of losing a child and almost dying because I break things. I break people. Even when I try to create, I destroy.