Whatever his expression showed, Dana’s became wary. She rose to her feet. “Maybe you should skim those. Could be your mom and her sister did nothing but complain about their husbands. Or they talked about the weather and prices at the grocery store, and why keep that?”
This time, she did leave. He walked her out, kissed her until his confusion was vanquished and watched as her Subaru disappeared into the night, wishing she’d gone up to bed to wait for him instead.
Then, pausing only to see how Christian was coming on the great social studies paper, Nolan returned to the living room and tonight’s quota of the detritus of his parents’ lives.
Dana was right; to be thorough, he shouldn’t keep stuff he hadn’t at least glanced at. He gathered several other bundles of letters his mother had written Aunt Patricia, discovering they were in the order they had been sent. Nolan flipped through until he found a postmark date six weeks or so before Marlee brought home “her” baby boy.
He untied the ribbon, carefully removed the handwritten pages from the envelope and started reading.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
TWO HOURS LATER, Nolan wished he’d never begun. Mom knew, was all he could think. Sick to his stomach, he shook his head. No, it was more accurate to say his mother had guessed that baby Christian was not her daughter’s.
He rested his head back on the sofa, closed his eyes and brooded.
His mother had probably told his dad what she was thinking. He couldn’t imagine she wouldn’t have.
Her handwriting had become shaky.
I see nothing of Marlee in this baby, Patty. Nothing from our family. I know that’s not evidence. He could take after his father. But that combined with the lack of bond between them convinces me that they’re strangers to each other. I can’t believe I just wrote that. It frightens me to death. But what can I do but talk to Marlee?
Why hadn’t she contacted authorities? A muffled sound escaped him. If she’d ever had the baby’s blood tested, she would have known. Why hadn’t she? Why?
“Marlee won’t talk about Christian’s father at all,” she wrote a few weeks later.
She sounds traumatized, as if having a baby was more than she could handle emotionally. She had a housemate, another woman who had a baby of her own. Marlee confesses to having let her do more for Christian than she should have. She told me she was scared. If all of this is true, I don’t understand why she didn’t come home sooner. This was the longest she’s ever stayed away. She’s always run home when she knew she was in real trouble. So why not this time?
Nolan ground his teeth. Gee, Mom, did it ever occur to you she had to find a baby the right age and gender to steal?
In the end, his credulous, too-loving mother had decided her doubts were silly. The way Christian was shooting up in height reminded her so much of Nolan at that age. He was going to be just as good at sports as Nolan, too! And look how Marlee loved her little boy, Mom marveled. Why, once she was back on her medication, she was a wonderful mother!
If she had listened to her instincts, she could have saved Dana years of suffering.
Then his parents wouldn’t have had Christian to love and protect.
And, no, he couldn’t flip that on end, not now that he’d gotten to know Dana’s parents. Christian would have had loving grandparents either way. He’d have had Dana instead of a crazy mother.
I wouldn’t have had Christian.
He’d wouldn’t have moved into this house, bought Wind & Waves. He would likely be—where?—Afghanistan? Somalia? Some war-torn part of the world. Saving the world, was how he’d always thought of it. Windsurfing would still be a very occasional hobby taken up in his teenage years and now indulged during brief leaves.
His next thought felt like a bullet to the chest. I’d never have met Dana.
With a heavy sigh, Nolan opened his eyes and stretched to relieve taut muscles.
There was no going back. Would he ever tell Dana about what he’d read? How could she not be furious? Hate his parents as well as Marlee? He didn’t like knowing how self-centered he was to wonder whether the new knowledge would damage his relationship with her.
And Christian. Damn. Was this anything he needed to know?
Tempted though he was to shred this whole pile of letters, he didn’t like dishonesty. He’d have to tell Dana. Christian...probably not. Or, at least, not until he was a whole lot more secure in his identity.
Strangely, while reading those letters had disturbed him, he also felt some of his guilt lifting from his shoulders. Maybe, he thought with grim humor, because he’d been able to dump it on his parents.
Except he knew better. It was more as if he could see that Marlee’s last weeks had been only one knot on a long rope studded with knots. Maybe an inevitable one. He wasn’t sure he’d had any real choice over how he handled her. He couldn’t in good conscience have let the issue of Christian’s real identity slide.
After a minute, Nolan tied the ribbons around the two bundles of letters he’d read and dropped them back in the tub. Then he put the lid on it. It could go to the back of the attic.
* * *
DANA’S MUSCLES BURNED as she planted the ice ax and kicked her foot into a step already formed by other climbers in the steep, snow-covered chute that was aptly called the Pearly Gates. They weren’t alone on the mountain, even though they’d deliberately chosen a Thursday after the Fourth of July weekend. A group from a climbing school was ascending right behind them. Fortunately, she was too tired to look over her shoulder; think how embarrassing it would be to discover they’d been seething with impatience for hours.
She’d turned off her headlamp a little while ago. The sky was a pearlescent pink that shimmered off the ice formations. A burst of light had just appeared above the rocky wall. Sunrise.
Climbing through the night had been a strange experience, narrowing her world to the circle of light cast by her headlamp and to grunts and occasional voices coming from ahead of her on the rope.
Because of Christian, they had carried tents and sleeping bags and camped out partway, just above the Palmer Snowfield. Though he had been insulted that Nolan thought he wouldn’t be as strong as the adults, he was not only young, he wasn’t a runner. Now, praying the summit really was at the top of this chute, Dana was grateful they hadn’t tried to make the ascent in one go.
“Everyone okay?” Nolan called back, as he did regularly.
Dana found enough voice to say, “Yep.”
“Yeah!” Christian yelled.
Her father, just ahead of her on the rope, laughed. He was in his late fifties, and he didn’t sound tired, she thought, disgruntled.
Climbing in the dark was safest, with the snow firm beneath an icy crust instead of treacherously soft. Nolan had dragged them out of their tents at one thirty in the morning, insisted they have a bite to eat and a hot drink, and had them gear up. They had strapped on crampons and roped up for the first time, too. Dana had just enough experience herself to see how careful Nolan was being for Christian’s sake.
And for mine. He paused frequently to look back. At rest stops, he’d spent time at her side, his voice low and...intimate as he urged her to snack.
The long, dark hours during the climb had been conducive to thinking. When Nolan first told her that his mother had suspected Marlee’s baby had been stolen, Dana had been so angry she’d had to hide her shaking hands so he wouldn’t know. But he’d also told her the rest of what his mother had written, and understanding and acceptance had gradually taken away the anger. Dana had barely become acquainted with Christian, and yet she knew what Nolan’s mother had felt for her daughter.
She wouldn’t want to believe Christian had done something terrible any more than Marlee’s mother had. She’d do the same, latching on to any tiny reason to be able to dismiss those suspicions.
A minute later, they were there, standing at the edge of the summit ridge.
And...oh, my.
Dana trailed the others, her head swiveling as she took in the extraordinary view, made sublime by the soft, glowing colors of sunrise. No wonder they’d timed their ascent to be here now. No wonder.
“Awesome!” Christian yelled.
“Highest point in Oregon,” Nolan said. “One of the best views of Mount Jefferson, too.”
Another volcano, it rose sharp pointed and snow clad to the south.
They plopped down on the snow to rest, Nolan nagging them all to snack on the trail mix and candy bars they’d brought and handing around a bottle of water. He pointed at Mount Adams to the north, close but situated in Washington State. Saint Helens was less visible, but she stared in fascination, anyway.
“Could we go up there someday?” she asked. “Have you been, Christian?”
“Uh-uh. That’d be cool.”
“I haven’t been in years, but I hear the devastation is still apparent,” Nolan said. “We’ll plan on it.”
After making them apply sunscreen and put on wraparound sunglasses to protect their eyes from the glare of the sun off the glacier, he finally got them moving again to begin the long descent. He was hustling them, she knew, because he wanted to get below the Bergschrund, a huge crevasse, before the warmth of the day made the passage more dangerous.
Dana had forgotten that going down was even harder on the thigh muscles than climbing up, but the exhilaration of success carried them, and at least now they could see where they were going and pause to study the crystalline beauty of huge ice formations and the oddly flat, distant world at the foot of the mountain.
The sight of the crevasse, with its mysterious depths, chilled her. She wanted to grab Christian when he inched forward for a better view, but then Nolan laid a calm hand on his shoulder, and a minute later they left it behind.
The sun rose, the glorious early morning color vanishing into a day warm enough for them to peel off layers of clothing. Dana itched—literally—to remove her helmet, but even the traverses across steep snowfields could be dangerous. One misstep and she’d plummet. If she couldn’t stop herself quickly by digging her ax and toes into the snow, she could potentially pull her father off his feet, too, and then Christian. Could Nolan hold them all?
Probably, she thought, wrinkling her nose, but she didn’t want to find out.
On rest stops, he not only pushed food and water at them but made them all slap on copious quantities of sunscreen.
The descent from where they’d camped was an anticlimax. Snow became skimpy. The lift towers for the ski area, off to one side, were an odd punctuation in an otherwise primitive landscape.
Even Christian groaned when they reached Nolan’s big SUV. Dana sagged against the fender, resting on her pack. Laughing, Nolan unlocked the doors, heaved his own pack—by far the heaviest, of course—into the back and took Dana’s from her next.
“Fun?”
She grinned at him. “It was amazing. But you know what?” She waited for his raised eyebrows. “Once is enough.”
Smiling, he touched a finger to her cheek. “I think you got too much sun.”
“You’re sort of burnished, too.” Oh, she wanted to lay a hand against his face, feel his stubble, but she was very aware of Christian and her father watching. She looked at her son, who couldn’t seem to stop grinning. He’d already taken off his helmet.
With stiff fingers, Dana did the same.
“Hot bath, here I come,” she announced.
“Hot tub, here I come.” Her dad gave her a quirky grin. “Why do you think we’re staying at the inn?” With a chuckle, he easily dodged the elbow she aimed at his midsection.
Tiredness caught up with them during the drive. Dana was glad not to be behind the wheel. She kept nodding off.
Nolan left her father at the inn first, then drove to her house. She looked in the backseat to see that Christian was sound asleep, cheek flattened on the window. He didn’t stir even when Nolan collected her pack from the rear and slammed the hatch door.
Of course he insisted on carrying it in for her, keeping only the helmet and mountain locator unit, both rented. He set the pack down inside and pulled her close. Dana leaned gratefully, loving his strength, longing for him to stay.
“I wish you were coming home with us,” he grumbled, echoing her fantasy, but then kissed her gently and gave her a small push. “Bath and nap.”
She smiled at him. “You, too.”
Nolan started to leave but swung back. This kiss was rougher, fueled by what felt like frustration. It didn’t last long enough for her to respond.
“Thank you,” she said this time, knowing he’d understand. She’d always have this—an unforgettable twenty-four hours spent with her father, her son...and the man she was very much afraid she loved.
He nodded, said, “You’re welcome,” and left her swaying with exhaustion in the middle of her living room.
* * *
“LIGHTS OUT,” JASON’S mom called.
“Mo-om,” he protested. “It’s not that late.”
She knocked lightly before opening the door and poking her head in. “It’s midnight. I don’t care if you talk quietly, but I have to work tomorrow. So sleep tight.” She flipped the switch, plunging the two boys into darkness.
Jason’s mother was a Realtor, which meant she worked on weekends, when other people had time off to look at houses. Jason’s parents were both cool. Even his little sister wasn’t that bad. Christian used to be jealous of Jason’s family, but he didn’t have to be after Uncle Nolan came home for good.
When he was staying overnight, Christian always slept in a sleeping bag on a thick pad on the floor next to Jason’s twin bed. He lay there now, looking up at the ceiling. He knew everybody was probably getting tired of him talking about the climb two days before, but he couldn’t help himself.
“Mount Hood was amazing. Now I really want to be a mountain climber. My gra—” He gulped to a stop. “I might get to go to Colorado next summer and climb in the Rockies.”
He heard Jason roll over to peer down at him. “Who do you know in Colorado?”
“It’s...” Suddenly he hated lying, but he did it, anyway. “Someone Uncle Nolan knows.”
“Like from the army?”
“I guess.” He hurried on. “Although climbing there is different.”
“Because the mountains aren’t volcanoes.”
“I don’t know if they have glaciers. You should have seen the ice formations!” Guilt seized him. “I bet Uncle Nolan would take us both up next summer.”
Jason was quiet for a minute. “I wish I could have gone with you.”
“He said...” Christian had to swallow. “You know. That he didn’t want too many inexperienced climbers, and there were these other people.”
His mother and his grandfather, who’d both done lots of climbing. Christian had been the only one who didn’t know what he was doing. The whole way, he’d been roped between Grandpa Hayes and Uncle Nolan, because they were the two strongest climbers.
This time, the silence went on so long, Christian wondered if Jason had gone to sleep. Except he knew he hadn’t.
They were best friends. I should have told him, he thought glumly. If he had, Jason could have gone, too. Only now it was too late, which made it even harder to say, See, it was my mom and my grandad who went with us, only it’s not the mom who died. This one is my real mom.
Christian had kept secrets
before. Nobody had known how often he stayed alone because his mother flipped out and took off. Or that she did drugs and probably slept behind Dumpsters in alleys when she was gone. Or even that she wouldn’t say anything about who his dad was. When he was younger, he’d made stuff up about this father who’d died, so he couldn’t be part of Christian’s life. All his friends and teachers knew was that his mother was weird.
Telling this secret would mean admitting she was so crazy she’d stolen him from his real parents. But that wasn’t why shame crawled inside him. The bad thing was he was going to have to tell everyone. Dana lived right here, and she was over at his house all the time. She’d want to come when stuff was going on at school next year.
As bad as telling Jason the truth would have been when Christian first found out, it was going to be worse now. If it had been the other way around...would he understand why Jason had lied to him for so long?
Christian curled on his side because his stomach hurt. “Jason?” he whispered, in case his friend was asleep.
“Yeah?”
“There’s something I should have told you. I guess I thought it would all go away.” Which was the truth. He’d thought she would go away. Except now...he didn’t want her to.
He took a deep breath and started. “You remember how much I bled, that time we were fooling around with the ax?”
* * *
SATURDAY, LUNCHTIME ARRIVED and Christian had yet to show up at Wind & Waves. Nolan decided that as soon as his current customer quit dithering over sails, he’d call Jason’s house to track the kid down. Damn it, he knew rule number one: keep Nolan updated.
On this, the Hayeses’ last day in Lookout, John had taken a kayak onto the river again, while Dana had joined her mother. Nolan watched from the window as they departed together in Dana’s Subaru.
Her parents were nice people. He thought the visit had gone well, overall. Christian had behaved decently, spending a fair amount of time with his grandparents, who’d been willing to take him on some outings to the North Clackamas Aquatic Park, which had waterslides, a wave pool and a rock-climbing wall, and to a pirate-themed mini-golf course, where apparently Grandpa had beaten the pants off Christian and Grandma. He’d even called them Grandpa and Grandma—when he had yet to say Mom to Dana.
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