by Jules Dixon
“I love you, Sage.”
My body shuddered, some from the cold rain and some from struggling not to give in, but I needed to be strong. “I know you love me. From the moment you said it, I never doubted that fact.”
“Then can we just forget what happened?”
I didn’t want to forget, I wanted him to remember, to remember that his actions hurt people, and I couldn’t stand by and watch him crumble and take me down with him.
“No. I can’t forget. Just like you can’t forget the things that have happened to you and the things you know about Easton, and the darkness that is eating you from the inside out and the memories and fears that cloud your judgment.” I hiccupped a sob. “I forgive you for everything, but there are other people you need to atone to, including yourself. I don’t want to be another person to get caught in one of your explosions of impulsive emotion.”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hit you, but he had his hands on you.”
“No, you didn’t mean to hit me, but if you hadn’t gone straight to violence and let me talk to you, you would have found out that Ollie and I are…” I swallowed as I stared into the eyes that melted my willpower. I looked away.
Maybe it would be easier for him to think the worst? If there is a time to be a good liar, it is now.
I stood straight. “You would’ve found out that Ollie and I are starting a relationship and you and I … we are finished.”
Rahl’s face paled. “You’re lying. You told me he was nothing.”
I mumbled, “I pray you get better, Rahl,” and tried to skirt past him.
He moved in front of me. “No, I don’t accept it. I don’t know why you’re lying to me but I’ll find out.” His hand ran down my arm to my wrist and he brought it to his mouth for a gentle kiss. “You’re killing me, Sage.”
Water droplets showered me as I shook my head. “No, Rahl. You’re killing yourself.”
He stumbled back and dropped my hand.
I cleared my throat. “You’re fighting some memory from your past. I hope you can find peace. I … I love you, but I need to move on.”
I reached for the door handle. When I looked back, his shoulders were slumped forward and it tore me apart to open the door and go inside.
But I did.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Rahl
The rain poured over my body while Sage’s words drained my heart.
I walked to my truck, climbed in and sat there, watching and waiting. I had to know the truth. Even a person without my training would be able to see that Sage was a horrible liar. Everything in my heart said she wasn’t with Aston, but at this point anything was fucking possible.
I never thought I’d just walk into a bar and start a fight. Hell, I never considered that I would fight a friend, actually, two good friends who stood by me for twenty-five years. I never imagined I’d find the love of my life and have her leave me because I was full of demons that played me about like a puppet. There were a lot of things I’d done lately that screamed fucked-up and should have been real signs of deeper issues.
This one hurt deep into my bones.
Last night was my first restful night of sleep since I slept on Sage’s couch. The prescription did what it was supposed to. That didn’t mean I liked the medication, but the poison running through my brain was worse, so I’d use the synthetic kind to take care of the man-made kind for now.
I’d spent eighteen hours at VSI doing paperwork and paying bills. I thought I was exhausted, but when Ollie had his arms wrapped around her, I couldn’t stop myself. I wasn’t even thinking, some very evil menace took hold of me and made me his bitch. It didn’t even feel good to hit him. I wanted to stop, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t. Could I ever?
I decided to move the truck to a more inconspicuous position. I killed the headlights and watched Sage’s car. Training kicked in, and I remained calm to finish my mission.
In thirty minutes, she and Tanny walked out, shared a hug, and Sage got in her car and drove off. There was no Oliver.
There is no Oliver.
Sage was giving me the time I needed to get well. The knowledge still daggered into somewhere deep inside, but I could deal with the ache by believing we’d be together after I had a handle on myself.
And then Oliver and his friends walked from Two Fine Irishmen. I decided making amends needed to start immediately.
I drove my truck around and rolled down my window. “Aston!”
He and his friends stopped walking.
“Rahl, I don’t want any more trouble with you.”
“Me neither. Can we talk for a minute?” I sighed. “Please.”
“Okay.” His tone was cautious.
I didn’t blame him for questioning my motives. I questioned his. His friends stood around him, a protective bubble of white-collar pseudo-badass as I parked and walked around to them.
“Guys, I’m not going to do anything to him. I want to talk to him and then I’ll leave.”
Oliver turned. “I’ll be fine. You can go. I can drive home, it’s not that far.” He brushed his nose with a tissue and winced.
When he brought his arm back down, I observed a familiar tattoo.
Semper Fi? There’s no fucking way…
His buddies threw me their last grunts of censure on the way to their vehicles.
“Need another punching bag?” he asked.
“No. I’m sorry for hitting you, Oliver.”
His head reeled back as if I’d punched him again. “All right. Apology accepted. I don’t understand you, Vendetti. Good-looking guy, apparently successful business from what Buzz told me, and a beautiful and sweet girl … what’s the catch? Why the rage?”
I huffed, “Fucking war,” and kicked a large rock into the street.
Oliver’s eyes dropped. “I understand that.” He backed into the front of my truck, crossing his arms, and I took a place next to him. “Plenty of my buddies came home with scars no one could ever see. It’s the ones on the inside that destroy a person and relationships the most.”
“Awfully poetic of you, Aston.”
“My friends would say it’s my gay side coming out.”
“You have a gay side?”
“I’m bisexual … so, yes.”
“A bisexual Marine? How’d that go over?”
“Better than you’d assume. I fell in love with a fellow Marine. He’s still overseas because he has skills they can’t live without.”
“That sucks. For both of you.”
“I live my life and wait for my chance with him to come back around.”
“So you and Sage?” I grumbled.
Oliver chuckled at my delivery. “Just friends. She’s delightful and, damn, those eyes are killer, but I’m pretty sure the bisexual thing would scare the shit out of her.”
“She told me you were a couple tonight and broke up with me.”
He raised his eyebrows. “Really?” He crossed his arms. “Huh, maybe I do have a chance?”
I probably deserved his shit but I didn’t have to like it. “Over my dead body, Aston.”
“You know I’m kidding, Rahl. So you have scars on the inside, too?”
“I’m seeing someone and trying to get a handle on the worst ones, but it’s going to take time.”
“And you want me to keep an eye on Sage. Right?” He wiped his nose again.
I nodded. “I’d appreciate it.”
He eyed me up. “I’ll do it. Only because I know what I see when she looks at you.” He scanned across the parking lot at nothing. “Makes me miss my Holt.”
I pushed off the truck and faced him. “If you love him as much as I love Sage, then I know your pain.”
“I bet you do. So, friends?”
I extended my hand. “Friends.”
****
It was time for my appointment and I was facing the same anxiety as on Monday. If it was this hard every time, was I really making progress?
Only been here once. Giv
e it time.
I opened the driver’s side door and made my way up to the building. There was little I could do to mess up my life further. If this was rock bottom, there was only one way to go … up. So I did. I took the stairs three at a time and made it to the office.
Dr. Sikes met me in the lobby. “Ready, Rahl?”
“Yeah. Let’s do this.”
My appointment went well. Dr. Sikes had me do some visualization exercises to revisit the day of the ambush and I reframed some of what happened. It was hard to remove all of my remorse and see it as anything good, but as Doc said, “We want your brain to accept what happened in a different context, not to forget.”
We were nearing the end of our session. I told him about Laken, her illness, and how my friend had betrayed me.
“Did he really betray you, Rahl? You just said he was your best friend in high school. Had he ever been dishonest to you before you came back?”
“No, but he was to other people.”
“Was your sister one of those people?”
“Not that I know of.”
“People make mistakes. Maybe he’s made his peace with his past and moved forward stronger for Laken?”
“Then why do I hold his past against him?”
“I think that’s something you should think on, and we’ll meet again next Monday to discuss it. O-ten-hundred hours?”
I nodded.
****
My company was full of new faces. I hired three of the four positions and there was an idea of who I’d like to have in the last position, but that was going to take some outside work. Max, Leah, and Bryson were busy training and getting employment paperwork completed for the new recruits. Jacob, Buzz, and Breigh were giving each other crap like they had been in the same unit on the battlefield even though they were all from different military branches.
The office had a good vibe. I smiled as I walked through to my desk. The rest of the day I spent on the phone setting up appointments for the following week. This weekend I would be putting in long hours at the house to get caught up on the build. Sage and I picked out about half of the finish choices Tuesday night, so I called my contact at Sugar Plum Dreams Design to see about the other half.
“Hey, Rahl.” Oliver kept his voice low.
“Hi, Oliver. Everything going okay?”
“Yeah, she’s sad today, but not crying. I took her to lunch and she said her stomach was funky. I’m sure it’s just emotions. You know how girls are.”
I shook my head ‘cause most of the time I didn’t have a clue.
“Kind of. Anyway. Sage was supposed to help me pick out finishes for my new home. I need to get that done ASAP. Do you think you can swipe the CAD file she created? I know she has an appointment in the morning tomorrow.”
“Yeah, I can do that. I’d be glad to help you finish up until you get the girl back in your life.”
“Actually, I’d like to meet you this weekend to discuss another job opportunity I have in addition to the design work.”
“Sounds intriguing. Do I get to be a secret agent?”
“I think you’re already one of those, Aston.”
“Good point. I’ll add that to my resume today so I can ask for more money.”
I chuckled. He’d fit in just fine here. “Meet up Saturday evening?”
“That works. Later, Rahl.”
“Later, Aston.”
I headed home around six. I was grilling steaks when a throat cleared behind me and Easton stepped into the doorway onto the patio.
“Roecker. Grab a beer, let’s talk.”
He turned back into the house. I wondered if he was running out the front door, thinking I was going to make his life and face miserable again. Instead, he returned with two beers and handed me one.
“Thanks.”
He sat and waited. I remembered back to a week earlier, sitting on this patio with Sage. The silence had been peaceful and relaxing, now it had me anxious and tense.
I flipped the steaks. “You eat?”
“Not yet, but I can make—”
“I have an extra steak. Where’s Laken?”
“Um … um…”
“Dude, just say it.”
“She’s with Sage.”
“Oh. Kind of thought you were gonna say she was naked in your bed and gross me out.”
Easton raised his beer to his mouth. “That was earlier.”
I pinched my eyes and shook my head to rid it of that sentence.
I couldn’t look him in the face, but the words I needed to say were still there. “Easton, I’m sorry for beating your face.”
“What about my ribs?”
“No. You deserved that.”
We both chuckled at the banter.
Like old times.
Easton became serious first. “Rahl, like I said before, I tried to stay away from Laken but there was—”
“Something that brought you back together.”
“Yeah.” He rocked in his patio chair. “I’m going to school to finish my programming degree.”
“Laken told me, but Easton, I was wrong. You are good enough for my sister the way you are. I held things against you that I should have forgotten or at least forgiven a long time ago.”
“Then let’s get it all out.” He took a swig of his beer. “I’m sorry about Annie, Rahl. I knew you liked her, and like an asshole teenager, I wanted to prove that I could get the beautiful girl even though I knew she liked you, too.”
“That you got the girl didn’t really both me, it was how you treated Annie afterward that pissed me off. She didn’t deserve your disappearing act, and she definitely didn’t deserve to be left to pay for an abortion. You should have taken responsibility in the first place. She ended up going to her parents and they were furious with her.”
“I know, my age isn’t an excuse. There really is no excuse. I saw her five years ago.”
“And?” I pulled the steaks off the grill and handed him a plate. We started carving off chunks.
“She slapped me and then told me she hated my guts. I told her I hated my guts, too. Back then I really did.”
I glanced to him and Easton was shaking his head at himself.
“Then she sat down at the bar on the stool next to me and told me about her two children, her pilot husband, and her life as a teacher. She asked me why I hated myself and I told her about Laken. Annie told me to leave her alone, too. I’m glad I didn’t listen to either of you because that ball of sunshine, blue-eyed girl is the best thing that ever happened to me. I did apologize to Annie and she told me she had already forgiven me. She wanted to make sure I was ready to—”
“Forgive yourself.”
“Yeah.”
“Seems that’s a problem I have, too.”
Easton took a big bite. “It’s a guy thing.”
“Probably. Well, I’m sorry for smacking you around. As long as you keep Lake happy and treat her right, I won’t do it again. But something happens and I’ll warn you, Fi has access to sedatives and operating instruments. I’ll give you a warning but you’ll have to run for your life, bro.”
“Got it. All good?”
“We’re good.”
Chapter Twenty-Four
Sage
Thursday wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. I focused on work and Oliver unsuccessfully tried to entertain me when I couldn’t focus on anything.
Laken texted to see if I wanted to get together. It took all of ten seconds before my phone was ringing after I texted her the news that Rahl and I were no longer a couple. I gave her the details and I stayed calm. She did not. My emotions remained composed only because I’d done the majority of my crying during the night, not because I was cried out. My body and brain were exhausted. There would be more tears when I’d recovered from the shock. Laken insisted on coming over and bringing dinner. After doing some unsuccessful back and forth, I gave in. She could be really insistent. Thank goodness.
After we closed up Sugar Plum
Dreams, Ollie walked me to my car and gave me a hug ‘cause “we’re not at work anymore.” His use of that idiom was starting to grow on me. He was starting to grow on me.
“Are you going to be okay?” he asked. “Do you need company tonight?”
“No, I’m doing better. Rahl’s sister, Laken, is coming over to hang out with me. I’m just worried that breaking up with Rahl will send him over some cliff he’s standing at in his subconscious.”
“He’ll be fine. He’s strong. My nose is proof of that.”
I gave him another hug to take away whatever lingering pain there was. “Girls dig scars.”
“And hopefully guys.”
I leaned back. “You’re … gay?”
He smiled. “Bisexual.”
“Well, that explains that comment about my pink wedges yesterday. I was so confused.”
His body bounced against mine. “You get some rest tonight, and I promise tomorrow will be better. I can just sense it.”
Those were the same words my mom would say in my dreams. She was here with me.
“Yeah, it will.” I backed away and the chivalrous Mr. Aston opened my car door and helped me get in.
“Later, Sage.”
“Bye, Ollie.”
****
The evening was spent wrapped in blankets on the sofa and watching comedies. Laken brought along several movies for me to pick from, and she bought dinner to share. I ate to please her more instead of an actual appetite. She kept her sparkling positive attitude, but didn’t offer advice or that never-needed “you’ll get back together.”
It might not happen.
I started yawning around ten and she got the hint. Getting no sleep took its toll. Before leaving, Laken shared one of her legendary hugs. It was like being wrapped in a favorite sweater … no, better. No matter what happened with Rahl, I’d stay Laken’s friend. Her brand of happiness was a blessing that would brighten any dark day.