by Max Hudson
So it had made sense to Luca that he hadn’t come. It even made sense during the first week, because Derek had never coped well with stress. But now that they were talking about where he was supposed to go when he was discharged, Luca was confused.
Surely, he would be going home with his boyfriend of three years. That was the normal thing to do.
His mom leaned in and touched his hand before he spoke. She looked into his eyes and flashed him a thin, weary smile. “Honey,” she said. “Do you remember the last time you saw Derek?”
Luca closed his eyes in lieu of rolling them. He didn’t want his mom to feel insulted when it was clear she was just trying to look after him. He opened his mouth to answer her.
He was going to say exactly when he had last seen Derek, and he thought it was right before he had left for work the day of the accident. He wasn’t quite sure which day it was exactly, but he knew it was somewhere in the middle of the week, Wednesday or maybe Thursday.
But there was nothing there when he tried to recall Derek saying to have a good day. In fact, the entirety of the morning before the accident was hazy. When he started to try to remember the last time that he had seen his boyfriend, his mind started coming up blank. He opened his eyes, his breathing sharper.
“I don’t understand,” he said, shaking his head.
His mom patted his hand. “Sweetheart,” she said. “You still have to be seen by the neurologist.”
“What does that mean?” Luca asked, his voice barely above a whisper.
“You broke up with Derek more than a year ago,” his sister said when his mother wouldn’t answer.
Luca stared at her. Then, before he could stop himself, he started to laugh. The very idea that he had broken up with Derek was ridiculous. They were happy; they had plans for the future. Plans that involved each other. Plans where the other person’s presence was pivotal, not just voluntary but obligatory.
His laugh quieted down a little as he started to realize what this meant.
Sure, maybe Derek hadn’t been the best boyfriend in the world by not going to visit him in the hospital, but his parents and his sister were being very low by suggesting that he hadn't shown up because Luca had broken up with him.
He started to feel annoyed after the shock wore off, once the laughter had completely stopped.
“How can you say that?” When he spoke, he noticed that his tone made him sound like he was on the verge of tears. He made his hands into fists at his sides and took a deep breath.
“We have been meaning to tell you for a while,” his sister said, flipping her long black hair behind her shoulder. His sister was so nice. They’d gotten off to a rocky start during his childhood, but once he had come out to her, they had become closer than anyone imagined possible. Especially the two of them.
As they grew older, they got even closer. They would bitch about boys with each other and go to each other for advice when things were tough and neither one of them wanted to speak to their parents. Annie had always been fiercely protective of him. That was the only thing that made sense, and in truth, Luca kind of got that.
She was probably trying to make him feel less broken-hearted about the fact that his boyfriend hadn’t gone to visit him at the hospital. Sure, it made perfect sense. Derek would have his reasons, but it still upset Luca. He had done plenty of things that he hadn’t wanted to do in order to make Derek happy.
He got it, in theory. His family was being sweet. They had always said that Derek wasn’t good enough for him and Luca had declined to believe them. Derek was beautiful and way out of Luca’s league. He might have been rough around the edges, but someone being quiet and gruff didn’t make them a bad person. He could have made more of an effort when it came to Luca’s family, sure, but he was jealous and Luca got that.
Not every gay man was lucky enough to have a family like his.
He cleared his throat before he spoke to his sister. “You're lying, Annie,” he said quietly.
Annie opened her mouth to speak, but he waved his hand in front of his face to stop her. “I get it, okay?”
Annie blinked. “You do?”
“Yes,” Luca said. “You're trying to protect my feelings. Look, if the guy I want to spend the rest of my life with turns out to be shitty, then I need to know that.”
There it was, another look exchanged between his mother and his sister. And the two of them couldn’t even be discreet about it.
He rolled his eyes. “Come on, guys. I know you don’t like Derek, but pretending we’ve broken up to make me think that we’re not together anymore when we clearly haven't is kind of weird. You have to admit.”
“Call him,” Annie said.
Their mother looked at her, her eyes wide. She shook her head. “Annie, what are you doing?”
She sighed. “He needs to know the truth. If he can’t remember, then—”
“That’s a good idea,” Luca replied. It hadn’t occurred to him to call Derek, because as far as he was concerned, Derek should be the one calling him. But the solution that Annie presented was a sensible one and Luca could only blame the brain fog from the meds for not thinking about it before. “Can you hand me my phone?”
His mother rolled her eyes, but Annie grabbed his cellphone off the night stand and handed it to him. Luca flashed her a smile and grabbed his phone, scrolling through his recently made calls.
He hadn’t used his phone at all since he had been in the hospital, but the last few people that he had called were his best friend Alex and someone called Oliver. He didn’t remember an Oliver, so he thought that it must be someone from work.
He wasn’t sure. He started to scroll through his last phone calls and he didn’t see Derek’s name there. It was weird—he wasn’t sure what to make of it.
He tried to find Derek’s name in his contacts, but his contacts didn’t seem to include him. There was Diana, Dale, even Derrick. But no Derek. He looked at his mom and his sister, sure that they’d had something to do with this.
He wasn’t sure why, but maybe they had grabbed his phone when he was in one of his surgeries and erased his boyfriend from his contacts. That was the only explanation that he could think of, the only explanation that made sense.
He looked at them both, his gaze darting between them. The accusation was obvious in his eyes, but he didn’t want to verbalize it. He didn’t want them to know just how upset he was at what they had done. After all, he was pretty sure that they were just trying to protect his feelings.
He didn’t appreciate the way that they were doing it, but he couldn’t blame them for trying.
“I know his number, guys,” he said, shaking his head. It was probably the only phone number that Luca knew by heart, other than his mother’s and his father’s. Part of that was just that he had memorized it for emergencies, for which he supposed this particular phone call qualified.
It occurred to him that maybe his family hadn't even called Derek when the accident had happened. They had always hated him, so it would be kind of standard—at least with the new behavior that they were exhibiting--that they wouldn't even inform his very own boyfriend that something was wrong.
If that was the case, he would never forgive them. The phone rang a couple of times before Derek picked up. He sounded winded. “Hello?”
For some reason, one that he couldn’t really place, Luca’s heart started to beat faster than it had before. He thought it was the anxiety. Not having heard from his own boyfriend was enough to make Luca anxious. The way that his family was staring at him didn’t make it feel easier at all.
Talking to his boyfriend wasn’t supposed to be hard. He took a deep breath and tried to make sure his voice sounded cheerful. The last thing that he wanted was for Derek to feel guilty that he hadn’t visited him. “Hello, where are you?”
There was silence on the other end of the line until he finally spoke. “Luca?”
Derek sounded confused. Luca swallowed as he tried to ignore the growing pit in his
stomach.
“Hey,” he said. “Where are you?”
Another pause. “Why?”
Luca swallowed. He didn’t want to look at his family, because he was sure that they were about to say that they’d told him so. He tried to make sure that his tone remained cheerful, though he felt anything but. “Well, I don't know if you heard, but I'm in the hospital. You haven't come and I was worried about you.”
He realized how stupid that sounded the moment that it came out of his mouth, but it wasn’t as if he could take back the words. Plus, he needed to prove to his family that he wasn’t crazy. Derek was still his boyfriend.
“You’re in the hospital?” Derek asked after a long time.
“Yes,” Luca replied. “You didn’t know?”
“No,” came the instant reply. “What happened?”
Luca sighed. He hadn’t been wrong. His parents just hadn’t told his boyfriend about it. Just like he had suspected.
“I was on the way to work and someone ran my bike off the ramp going into the freeway.”
“Oh my God,” Derek said.
“I know,” Luca said. “I skidded onto the median, and then I went down the hill because a car coming the other way hit me.”
“Jesus Christ. Are you okay?”
Luca couldn’t help but smile. This was the first time that he had heard worry in Derek’s voice and he liked it. “I'm okay. I mean, I'm going to be okay. I'm just surprised I haven't seen you.”
There was another pause, this one a little longer than the last. “Are your parents there?”
Luca couldn’t think of any reasons that Derek might want to speak to his parents except to bitch them out, though in truth, he supposed that they deserved it. He didn’t have the energy to shout at them. He nodded when he answered. “My mom is.”
“Can I talk to her?”
Luca smiled. “You want to talk to my mom?”
“I do. Please?”
He nodded again. “Yeah, hold on a second,” he said. He handed his mom the phone and mouthed the words ‘he wants to talk to you’ at her. She paled a little, then grabbed it off him.
“I’m taking this outside,” she said. Annie and Luca watched her walk out of the bedroom.
He turned to look at his sister. “See?”
“See what?” She asked. “Think about how that went, Luca.”
He narrowed his eyes. “What do you mean?”
“I mean, think about how that went,” she replied. “Did he say he was sorry? Did he say he missed you? Was he apologetic?”
Luca looked away from her. “He seemed concerned.”
“Concerned like someone who cares about you or concerned like your boyfriend?”
“I don’t understand,” Luca said.
“Just think about it for a second,” she said. “Did he react like someone who was dating you or like someone who just cares about you?”
“What do you mean?”
“Look,” she said. “He just found out you were hurt. Of course he isn’t going to be a dick.”
“That’s not fair.”
“It might not be fair, but I’m not going to lie to you because you’re hurt,” she said. “I respect you too much.”
Luca shook his head. “You’re wrong.”
“Ask him to visit.”
“What?”
“You don’t believe me? Then ask him to visit,” Annie replied. “Then see how it works. See how he greets you, how he acts around you. That’s where the proof will be.”
“Fine,” Luca replied. “That sounds like a good idea.”
“I’m here for you, okay?” Annie said.
He rolled his eyes. “Just get out, okay?”
“Fine,” she said. “Okay.”
With that, she got up and joined their mother outside of his room.
***
It didn't matter how long Luca had waited. He was excited to see Derek, and the fact that Derek was coming over in the first place was making Luca feel happy.
It was almost dinner time and his family had made themselves scarce, but he thought that they were just outside of earshot. He didn't like thinking that they were eavesdropping. On the other hand, he did want them to realize that he wasn't deluded.
This was his boyfriend. He hadn’t lost any of his ability to think. He could easily remember his own boyfriend.
When Derek had arrived, he hadn't kissed him. Luca thought that had more to do with the fact that he was probably in shock from how bad Luca looked. Derek was standing at the door, looking down at him, his arms crossed over his chest.
“Hey,” Luca said with a smile.
“Hey,” Derek replied. He had a haircut. He also looked slightly bigger than the last time he saw him, like he had spent more time at the gym than Luca remembered.
Derek had always been obsessed with the gym, but he hadn't been able to make it as often as he wanted. Part of that was due to how intense his work schedule was, but a bigger part of that was that Luca wanted to spend time with him outside of working out. Luca didn’t mind hitting the gym at all, in fact, a good work out was often enough to make him happy.
He just didn't like doing it for hours on end every day. He would have preferred to stay home and watch TV with Derek, but Derek didn’t really like to binge on shows and Luca understood that he had to make some allowances to make sure that Derek was happy. He hadn’t expected him to look quite this shocked at Luca’s appearance, though.
“Thank you for coming,” Luca said quietly. This did feel formal. He didn’t think that Derek would just stand there at the door with his arms crossed over his chest just because he felt guilty about not visiting Luca before.
“Yeah,” he said. “Of course. I came as soon as I heard.”
“You hadn’t heard before? My family hadn’t called you?”
He sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose, and walked over to the chair next to the bed. He sat down and looked straight into Luca’s eyes. “You really don't remember?”
“Remember what?”
“What… what happened?” Luca said. “Regarding what?”
“You know,” he said. “The whole thing.”
He said that with his gaze firmly away from Luca’s face. Luca wasn’t sure what he was talking about.
He shook his head. “You know what? It doesn’t matter. I’m just glad you’re here.”
“Luca,” Derek said, looking down at him. “What happened?”
“I told you.”
“No, I don’t mean physically,” Derek said. “You’re careful.”
“I know,” Luca replied.
Derek shook his head, hugging himself. “This happened last week?”
“Yeah,” Luca said quietly.
“On Wednesday?”
Luca closed his eyes. “I think so.”
Derek pinched the bridge of his nose. “Shit.”
“What is it?” Luca said, cocking his head. He didn’t like the way that Derek looked. He seemed to have paled considerably and Luca didn’t appreciate the way that he wouldn’t meet his gaze.
Derek shook his head. “Nothing,” he said. “It just figures.”
“What figures?”
“You know,” he said. “That even though we aren’t together anymore, it’s my fault that you were in an accident.
“I don’t understand,” Luca said, his mouth dry. What was he talking about? Since when weren’t they together?
“Your mom said you were confused,” Derek said. “I just…”
When he trailed off, it didn’t look like he was going to say anything. Luca turned his gaze onto him, staring, his eyes narrow. If looks could kill, Derek would be dead three times over. “For God’s sake, Derek, just tell me what you need to tell me.”
Derek sighed, leaning back. “It’s not going to make you like me.”
Luca looked away from him, tears welling up in his eyes. He hated admitting it, but it was the truth. “I already don’t like you.”
“That doesn’t su
rprise me,” Derek said. “To be honest, I was sure that you didn’t like me already.”
Luca bit his lower lip. He closed his eyes and felt the tears sliding down his face. Even if they were still together, this still felt like a break-up. It was exactly like Derek to break-up with him when he was in the hospital, and Luca hated that he knew that about his long-term boyfriend. He hated the certainty that he knew it with.
He turned back to look at Derek. If anyone should have been feeling ashamed, it was him, not Luca. It didn’t matter that there were tears in his eyes. He needed to hear an explanation from his boyfriend. Ex-boyfriend. Whatever the fuck he was. “Just spit it out, Derek.”
“Honestly, I thought that you were trying to manipulate me.”
Luka’s eyes widened.
Derek sighed heavily. “I mean, I know. I know.”
“You’re such an asshole,” Luca said so quietly that he was sure Derek couldn’t hear him.
He was right. Derek ignored him as he kept talking. “I probably shouldn't be telling you that. It doesn't matter, though. It’s not like it’s going to change anything. I really thought that it wasn't as bad as you said.”
Luka blinked. “Wow.”
Derek waved his hand in front of his face to dismiss him. “But your mom said it was, and I had no reason not to believe her. So I came over to the hospital to see you.”
“Because you needed to make sure I was telling the truth?”
“I needed to prove it to myself. I needed to make sure that you were actually hurt.”
“Wow.”
“It sounds worse than it is.”
Luca glared at him. “It sounds really bad.”
“Luca,” Derek said. “Last week… well, it was a big date. For both of us.”
Luca shook his head, his voice trembling when he spoke. “It can’t have been that big,” he said. “Considering that you didn't get into an accident.”
Derek scoffed. “I didn't, but I called in sick to work.”
“You did?”
“Yup,” he said. “On Wednesday, I stayed home and got drunk. I drank three bottles of Moscato.”
“You did?” Luca repeated, blinking a couple of times. If there was one thing that Derek kind of had going for him, one that Luca thought should make him more tolerable to his family, it was that he wasn't a drunk. One glass of wine and the man was barely awake.