GUS (reading) Soup of the day. Liver and onions. Jam tart.
A pause. GUS looks at BEN. BEN takes the note and reads it. He walks slowly to the hatch. GUS follows. BEN looks into the hatch but not up it. GUS puts his hand on BEN’s shoulder. BEN throws it off. GUS puts his finger to his mouth. He leans on the hatch and swiftly looks up it. BEN flings him away in alarm. BEN looks at the note. He throws his revolver on the bed and speaks with decision.
BEN We’d better send something up.
GUS Eh?
BEN We’d better send something up.
GUS Oh! Yes. Yes. Maybe you’re right.
They are both relieved at the decision.
BEN (purposefully) Quick! What have you got in that bag?
GUS Not much.
GUS goes to the hatch and shouts up it.
Wait a minute!
BEN Don’t do that!
GUS examines the contents of the bag and brings them out, one by one.
GUS Biscuits. A bar of chocolate. Half a pint of milk.
BEN That all?
GUS Packet of tea.
BEN Good.
GUS We can’t send the tea. That’s all the tea we’ve got.
BEN Well, there’s no gas. You can’t do anything with it, can you?
GUS Maybe they can send us down a bob.
BEN What else is there?
GUS (reaching into bag) One Eccles cake.
BEN One Eccles cake?
GUS Yes.
BEN You never told me you had an Eccles cake.
GUS Didn’t I?
BEN Why only one? Didn’t you bring one for me?
GUS I didn’t think you’d be keen.
BEN Well, you can’t send up one Eccles cake, anyway.
GUS Why not?
BEN Fetch one of those plates.
GUS All right.
GUS goes towards the door, left, and stops.
Do you mean I can keep the Eccles cake then?
BEN Keep it?
GUS Well, they don’t know we’ve got it, do they?
BEN That’s not the point.
GUS Can’t I keep it?
BEN No, you can’t. Get the plate.
GUS exits, left. BEN looks in the bag. He brings out a packet of crisps. Enter GUS with a plate.
(Accusingly, holding up the crisps.) Where did these come from?
GUS What?
BEN Where did these crisps come from?
GUS Where did you find them?
BEN (hitting him on the shoulder) You’re playing a dirty game, my lad!
GUS I only eat those with beer!
BEN Well, where were you going to get the beer?
GUS I was saving them till I did.
BEN I’ll remember this. Put everything on the plate.
They pile everything on to the plate. The box goes up without the plate.
Wait a minute!
They stand.
GUS It’s gone up.
BEN It’s all your stupid fault, playing about!
GUS What do we do now?
BEN We’ll have to wait till it comes down.
BEN puts the plate on the bed, puts on his shoulder holster, and starts to put on his tie.
You’d better get ready.
GUS goes to his bed, puts on his tie, and starts to fix his holster.
GUS Hey, Ben.
BEN What?
GUS What’s going on here?
Pause.
BEN What do you mean?
GUS How can this be a café?
BEN It used to be a café.
GUS Have you seen the gas stove?
BEN What about it?
GUS It’s only got three rings.
BEN So what?
GUS Well, you couldn’t cook much on three rings, not for a busy place like this.
BEN (irritably) That’s why the service is slow!
BEN puts on his waistcoat.
GUS Yes, but what happens when we’re not here? What do they do then? All these menus coming down and nothing going up. It might have been going on like this for years.
BEN brushes his jacket.
What happens when we go?
BEN puts on his jacket.
They can’t do much business.
The box descends. They turn about. GUS goes to the hatch and brings out a note.
GUS (reading) Macaroni Pastitsio. Ormitha Macarounada.
BEN What was that?
GUS Macaroni Pastitsio. Ormitha Macarounada.
BEN Greek dishes.
GUS No.
BEN That’s right.
GUS That’s pretty high class.
BEN Quick before it goes up.
GUS puts the plate in the box.
GUS (calling up the hatch) Three McVitie and Price! One Lyons Red Label! One Smith’s Crisps! One Eccles cake! One Fruit and Nut!
BEN Cadbury’s.
GUS (up the hatch) Cadbury’s!
BEN (handing the milk) One bottle of milk.
GUS (up the hatch) One bottle of milk! Half a pint! (He looks at the label.) Express Dairy! (He puts the bottle in the box.)
The box goes up.
Just did it.
BEN You shouldn’t shout like that.
GUS Why not?
BEN It isn’t done.
BEN goes to his bed.
Well, that should be all right, anyway, for the time being.
GUS You think so, eh?
BEN Get dressed, will you? It’ll be any minute now.
GUS puts on his waistcoat. BEN lies down and looks up at the ceiling.
GUS This is some place. No tea and no biscuits.
BEN Eating makes you lazy, mate. You’re getting lazy, you know that? You don’t want to get slack on your job.
GUS Who me?
BEN Slack, mate, slack.
GUS Who me? Slack?
BEN Have you checked your gun? You haven’t even checked your gun. It looks disgraceful, anyway. Why don’t you ever polish it?
GUS rubs his revolver on the sheet. BEN takes out a pocket mirror and straightens his tie.
GUS I wonder where the cook is. They must have had a few, to cope with that. Maybe they had a few more gas stoves. Eh! Maybe there’s another kitchen along the passage.
BEN Of course there is! Do you know what it takes to make an Ormitha Macarounada?
GUS No, what?
BEN An Ormitha –! Buck your ideas up, will you?
GUS Takes a few cooks, eh?
GUS puts his revolver in its holster.
The sooner we’re out of this place the better.
He puts on his jacket.
Why doesn’t he get in touch? I feel like I’ve been here years. (He takes his revolver out of its holster to check the ammunition.) We’ve never let him down though, have we? We’ve never let him down. I was thinking only the other day, Ben. We’re reliable, aren’t we?
He puts his revolver back in its holster.
Still, I’ll be glad when it’s over tonight.
He brushes his jacket.
I hope the bloke’s not going to get excited tonight, or any thing. I’m feeling a bit off. I’ve got a splitting headache.
Silence.
The box descends, BEN jumps up.
GUS collects the note.
(Reading.) One Bamboo Shoots, Water Chestnuts and Chicken. One Char Siu and Beansprouts.
BEN Beansprouts?
GUS Yes.
BEN Blimey.
GUS I wouldn’t know where to begin.
He looks back at the box. The packet of tea is inside it. He picks it up.
They’ve sent back the tea.
BEN (anxious) What’d they do that for?
GUS Maybe it isn’t tea-time.
The box goes up. Silence.
BEN (throwing the tea on the bed, and speaking urgently) Look here. We’d better tell them.
GUS Tell them what?
BEN That we can’t do it, we haven’t got it.
GUS All right then.
BEN Lend us
your pencil. We’ll write a note.
GUS, turning for a pencil, suddenly discovers the speaking-tube, which hangs on the right wall of the hatch facing his bed.
GUS What’s this?
BEN What?
GUS This.
BEN (examining it) This? It’s a speaking-tube.
GUS How long has that been there?
BEN Just the job. We should have used it before, instead of shouting up there.
GUS Funny I never noticed it before.
BEN Well, come on.
GUS What do you do?
BEN See that? That’s a whistle.
GUS What, this?
BEN Yes, take it out. Pull it out.
GUS does so.
That’s it.
GUS What do we do now?
BEN Blow into it.
GUS Blow?
BEN It whistles up there if you blow. Then they know you want to speak. Blow.
GUS blows. Silence.
GUS (tube at mouth) I can’t hear a thing.
BEN Now you speak! Speak into it!
GUS looks at BEN, then speaks into the tube.
GUS The larder’s bare!
BEN Give me that!
He grabs the tube and puts it to his mouth.
(Speaking with great deference.) Good evening. I’m sorry to – bother you, but we just thought we’d better let you know that we haven’t got anything left. We sent up all we had. There’s no more food down here.
He brings the tube slowly to his ear.
What?
To mouth.
What?
To ear. He listens. To mouth.
No, all we had we sent up.
To ear. He listens. To mouth.
Oh, I’m very sorry to hear that.
To ear. He listens. To GUS.
The Eccles cake was stale.
He listens. To GUS.
The chocolate was melted.
He listens. To GUS.
The milk was sour.
GUS What about the crisps?
BEN (listening) The biscuits were mouldy.
He glares at GUS. Tube to mouth.
Well, we’re very sorry about that.
Tube to ear.
What?
To mouth.
What?
To ear.
Yes. Yes.
To mouth.
Yes certainly. Certainly. Right away.
To ear. The voice has ceased. He hangs up the tube.
(Excitedly.) Did you hear that?
GUS What?
BEN You know what he said? Light the kettle! Not put on the kettle! Not light the gas! But light the kettle!
GUS How can we light the kettle?
BEN What do you mean?
GUS There’s no gas.
BEN (Clapping hand to head) Now what do we do?
GUS What did he want us to light the kettle for?
BEN For tea. He wanted a cup of tea.
GUS He wanted a cup of tea! What about me? I’ve been wanting a cup of tea all night!
BEN (despairingly) What do we do now?
GUS What are we supposed to drink?
BEN sits on his bed, staring.
What about us?
BEN sits.
I’m thirsty too. I’m starving. And he wants a cup of tea. That beats the band, that does.
BEN lets his head sink on to his chest.
I could do with a bit of sustenance myself. What about you? You look as if you could do with something too.
GUS sits on his bed.
We send him up all we’ve got and he’s not satisfied. No, honest, it’s enough to make the cat laugh. Why did you send him up all that stuff? (Thoughtfully.) Why did I send it up?
Pause.
Who knows what he’s got upstairs? He’s probably got a salad bowl. They must have something up there.
They won’t get much from down here. You notice they didn’t ask for any salads? They’ve probably got a salad bowl up there. Cold meat, radishes, cucumbers. Watercress. Roll mops.
Pause.
Hardboiled eggs.
Pause.
The lot. They’ve probably got a crate of beer too. Probably eating my crisps with a pint of beer now. Didn’t have any thing to say about those crisps, did he? They do all right, don’t worry about that. You don’t think they’re just going to sit there and wait for stuff to come up from down here, do you? That’ll get them nowhere.
Pause.
They do all right.
Pause.
And he wants a cup of tea.
Pause.
That’s past a joke, in my opinion.
He looks over at BEN, rises, and goes to him.
What’s the matter with you? You don’t look too bright. I feel like an Alka-Seltzer myself.
BEN sits up.
BEN (in a low voice) Time’s getting on.
GUS I know. I don’t like doing a job on an empty stomach.
BEN (wearily) Be quiet a minute. Let me give you your instructions.
GUS What for? We always do it the same way, don’t we?
BEN Let me give you your instructions.
GUS sighs and sits next to ben on the BED. The instructions are stated and repeated automatically.
When we get the call, you go over and stand behind the door.
GUS Stand behind the door.
BEN If there’s a knock on the door you don’t answer it.
GUS If there’s a knock on the door I don’t answer it.
BEN But there won’t be a knock on the door.
GUS So I won’t answer it.
BEN When the bloke comes in –
GUS When the bloke comes in –
BEN Shut the door behind him.
GUS Shut the door behind him.
BEN Without divulging your presence.
GUS Without divulging my presence.
BEN He’ll see me and come towards me.
GUS He’ll see you and come towards you.
BEN He won’t see you.
GUS (absently) Eh?
BEN He won’t see you.
GUS He won’t see me.
BEN But he’ll see me.
GUS He’ll see you.
BEN He won’t know you’re there.
GUS He won’t know you’re there.
BEN He won’t know you’re there.
GUS He won’t know I’m there.
BEN I take out my gun.
GUS You take out your gun.
BEN He stops in his tracks.
GUS He stops in his tracks.
BEN If he turns round –
GUS If he turns round –
BEN You’re there.
GUS I’m here.
BEN frowns and presses his forehead.
You’ve missed something out.
BEN I know. What?
GUS I haven’t taken my gun out, according to you.
BEN You take your gun out –
GUS After I’ve closed the door.
BEN After you’ve closed the door.
GUS You’ve never missed that out before, you know that?
BEN When he sees you behind him –
GUS Me behind him –
BEN And me in front of him –
GUS And you in front of him –
BEN He’ll feel uncertain –
GUS Uneasy.
BEN He won’t know what to do.
GUS So what will he do?
BEN He’ll look at me and he’ll look at you.
GUS We won’t say a word.
BEN We’ll look at him.
GUS He won’t say a word.
BEN He’ll look at us.
GUS And we’ll look at him.
BEN Nobody says a word.
Pause.
GUS What do we do if it’s a girl?
BEN We do the same.
GUS Exactly the same?
BEN Exactly.
Pause.
GUS We don’t do anything different?
BEN We do exacdy the same.
GUS rises, and shivers.
Excuse me.
He exits through the door on the left. BEN remains sitting on the bed, still. The lavatory chain is pulled once off left, but the lavatory does not flush.
Silence.
GUS re-enters and stops inside the door, deep in thought. He looks at BEN, then walks slowly across to his own bed. He is troubled. He stands, thinking. He turns and looks at BEN. He moves a few paces towards him.
(Slowly in a low, tense voice.) Why did he send us matches if he knew there was no gas?
Silence.
BEN stares in front of him. GUS crosses to the left side of ben, to the foot of his BED, to get to his other ear.
BEN Why did he send us matches if he knew there was no gas?
BEN looks up.
Why did he do that?
BEN Who?
GUS Who sent us those matches?
BEN What are you talking about?
GUS stares down at him.
GUS (thickly) Who is it upstairs?
BEN (nervously) What’s one thing to do with another?
GUS Who is it, though?
BEN What’s one thing to do with another?
BEN fumbles for his paper on the bed.
GUS I asked you a question.
BEN Enough!
GUS (with growing agitation) I asked you before. Who moved in? I asked you. You said the people who had it before moved out. Well, who moved in?
BEN (hunched) Shut up.
GUS I told you, didn’t I?
BEN (standing) Shut up!
GUS (feverishly) I told you before who owned this place, didn’t I? I told you.
BEN hits him viciously on the shoulder.
I told you who ran this place, didn’t I?
BEN hits him viciously on the shoulder.
(Violently.) Well, what’s he playing all these games for? That’s what I want to know. What’s he doing it for?
The Short Plays of Harold Pinter Page 5