Fade flat to half light and music out.
BILL Yes?
JAMES Bill Lloyd?
BILL Yes?
JAMES Oh, I’d … I’d like to have a word with you.
Pause.
BILL I’m sorry, I don’t think I know you?
JAMES Don’t you?
BILL No.
JAMES Well, there’s something I’d like to talk to you about
BILL I’m terribly sorry, I’m busy.
JAMES It won’t take long.
BILL I’m awfully sorry. Perhaps you’d like to put it down on paper and send it to me.
JAMES That’s not possible.
Pause.
BILL (closing door) Do forgive me –
JAMES (foot in door) Look. I want to speak to you.
Pause.
BILL Did you phone me today?
JAMES That’s right. I called, but you’d gone out.
BILL You called here? I didn’t know that.
JAMES I think I’d better come in, don’t you?
BILL You can’t just barge into someone’s house like this, you know. What do you want?
JAMES Why don’t you stop wasting your time and let me in?
BILL I could call the police.
JAMES Not worth it.
They stare at each other.
BILL All right.
JAMES goes in. BILL closes the door, JAMES goes through the hall and into the living room. BILL follows. JAMES looks about the room.
JAMES Got any olives?
BILL How did you know my name?
JAMES No olives?
BILL Olives? I’m afraid not.
JAMES You mean to say you don’t keep olives for your guests?
BILL You’re not my guest, you’re an intruder. What can I do for you?
JAMES Do you mind if I sit down?
BILL Yes, I do.
JAMES You’ll get over it.
JAMES sits. BILL stands. JAMES stands, takes off his overcoat, throws it on an armchair, and sits again.
BILL What’s your name, old boy?
JAMES reaches to a bowl of fruit and breaks off a grape, which he eats.
JAMES Where shall I put the pips?
BILL In your wallet.
JAMES takes out his wallet and deposits the pips. He regards BILL.
JAMES You’re not a bad-looking bloke.
BILL Oh, thanks.
JAMES You’re not a film star, but you’re quite tolerable looking, I suppose.
BILL That’s more than I can say for you.
JAMES I’m not interested in what you can say for me.
BILL To put it quite blundy, old chap, I’m even less interested than you are. Now look, come on please, what do you want?
JAMES stands, walks to the drinks table and stares at the bottles. In the flat, STELLA rises with the kitten and goes off slowly, nuzzling it. The flat fades to blackout. JAMES pours himself a whisky.
Cheers.
JAMES Did you have a good time in Leeds last week?
BILL What?
JAMES Did you have a good time in Leeds last week?
BILL Leeds?
JAMES Did you enjoy yourself?
BILL What makes you think I was in Leeds.
JAMES Tell me all about it. See much of the town? Get out to the country at all?
BILL What are you talking about?
Pause.
JAMES (with fatigue) Aaah. You were down there for the dress collection. You took some of your models.
BILL Did I?
JAMES You stayed at the Westbury Hotel.
BILL Oh?
JAMES Room 142.
BILL 142? Oh. Was it comfortable?
JAMES Comfortable enough.
BILL Oh, good.
JAMES Well, you had your yellow pyjamas with you.
BILL Did I really? What, the ones with the black initials?
JAMES Yes, you had them on you in 165.
BILL In what?
JAMES 165.
BILL 165? I thought I was in 142.
JAMES You booked into 142. But you didn’t stay there.
BILL Well, that’s a bit silly, isn’t it? Booking a room and not staying in it?
JAMES 165 is just along the passage to 142; you’re not far away.
BILL Oh well, that’s a relief.
JAMES You could easily nip back to shave.
BILL From 165?
JAMES Yes.
BILL What was I doing there?
JAMES (casually) My wife was in there. That’s where you slept with her.
Silence.
BILL Well … who told you that?
JAMES She did.
BILL You should have her seen to.
JAMES Be careful.
BILL Mmmm? Who is your wife?
JAMES You know her.
BILL I don’t think so.
JAMES No?
BILL No, I don’t think so at all.
JAMES I see.
BILL I was nowhere near Leeds last week, old chap. Nowhere near your wife either, I’m quite sure of that. Apart from that, I … just don’t do such things. Not in my book.
Pause.
I wouldn’t dream of it. Well, I think that closes that subject, don’t you?
JAMES Come here. I want to tell you something.
BILL I’m expecting guests in a minute, you know. Cocktails, I’m standing for Parliament next season.
JAMES Come here.
BILL I’m going to be Minister for Home Affairs.
JAMES moves to him.
JAMES (confidentially) When you treat my wife like a whore, then I think I’m entitled to know what you’ve got to say about it.
BILL But I don’t know your wife.
JAMES You do. You met her at ten o’clock last Friday in the lounge. You fell into conversation, you bought her a couple of drinks, you went upstairs together in the lift. In the lift you never took your eyes from her, you found you were both on the same floor, you helped her out, by her arm. You stood with her in the corridor, looking at her. You touched her shoulder, said good night, went to your room, she went to hers, you changed into your yellow pyjamas and black dressing-gown, you went down the passage and knocked on her door, you’d left your toothpaste in town. She opened the door, you went in, she was still dressed. You admired the room, it was so feminine, you felt awake, didn’t feel like sleeping, you sat down, on the bed. She wanted you to go, you wouldn’t. She became upset, you sympathised, away from home, on a business trip, horrible life, especially for a woman, you comforted her, you gave her solace, you stayed.
Pause.
BILL Look, do you mind … just going off now. You’re giving me a bit of a headache.
JAMES You knew she was married … why did you feel it necessary … to do that?
BILL She must have known she was married, too. Why did she feel it necessary … to do that?
Pause.
(With a chuckle.) That’s got you, hasn’t it?
Pause.
Well, look, it’s really just a lot of rubbish. You know that
BILL goes to the cigarette box and lights a cigarette.
Is she supposed to have resisted me at all?
JAMES A little.
BILL Only a little?
JAMES Yes.
BILL Do you believe her?
JAMES Yes.
BILL Everything she says?
JAMES Sure.
BILL Did she bite at all?
JAMES No.
BILL Scratch?
JAMES A little.
BILL You’ve got a devoted wife, haven’t you? Keeps you well informed, right up to the minutest detail. She scratched a little, did she? Where? (Holds up a hand.) On the hand? No scar. No scar anywhere. Absolutely unscarred. We can go before a commissioner of oaths, if you like. I’ll strip, show you my unscarred body. Yes, what we need is an independent witness. You got any chambermaids on your side or anything?
JAMES applauds briefly.
JAMES You’re a wag, aren’t you? I never
thought you’d be such a wag. You’ve really got a sense of fun. You know what I’d call you?
BILL What?
JAMES A wag.
BILL Oh, thanks very much.
JAMES No, I’m glad to pay a compliment when a compliment’s due. What about a drink?
BILL That’s good of you.
JAMES What will you have?
BILL Got any vodka?
JAMES Let’s see. Yes, I think we can find you some vodka.
BILL Oh, scrumptious.
JAMES Say that again.
BILL What?
JAMES That word.
BILL What, scrumptious?
JAMES That’s it.
BILL Scrumptious.
JAMES Marvellous. You probably remember that from school, don’t you?
BILL Now that you mention it I think you might be right.
JAMES I thought I was. Here’s your vodka.
BILL That’s very generous of you.
JAMES Not at all. Cheers.
They drink.
BILL Cheers.
JAMES Eh, come here.
BILL What?
JAMES I bet you’re a wow at parties.
BILL Well, it’s nice of you to say so, but I wouldn’t say I was all that much of a wow.
JAMES Go on, I bet you are.
Pause.
BILL You think I’m a wow, do you?
JAMES At parties I should think you are.
BILL No, I’m not much of a wow really. The bloke I share this house with is, though.
JAMES Oh, I met him. Looked a jolly kind of chap.
BILL Yes, he’s very good at parties. Bit of a conjurer.
JAMES What, rabbits?
BILL Well, not so much rabbits, no.
JAMES No rabbits?
BILL No. He doesn’t like rabbits, actually. They give him hay fever.
JAMES Poor chap.
BILL Yes, it’s a pity.
JAMES Seen a doctor about it?
BILL Oh, he’s had it since he was that high.
JAMES Brought up in the country, I suppose?
BILL In a manner of speaking, yes.
Pause.
Ah well, it’s been very nice meeting you, old chap. You must come again when the weather’s better.
JAMES makes a sudden move forward. BILL starts back, and falls over a pouffe on to the floor. JAMES chuckles. Pause.
You’ve made me spill my drink. You’ve made me spill it on my cardigan.
JAMES stands over him.
I could easily kick you from here.
Pause.
Are you going to let me get up?
Pause.
Are you going to let me get up?
Pause.
Now listen … I’ll tell you what …
Pause.
If you let me get up ..
Pause.
I’m not very comfortable.
Pause.
If you let me get up … I’ll … I’ll tell you … the truth …
Pause.
JAMES Tell me the truth from there.
BILL No. No, when I’m up.
JAMES Tell me from there.
Pause.
BILL Oh well. I’m only telling you because I’m utterly bored … The truth … is that it never happened … what you said, anyway. I didn’t know she was married. She never told me. Never said a word. But nothing of that … happened, I can assure you. All that happened was … you were right, actually, about going up in the lift … we … got out of the lift, and then suddenly she was in my arms. Really wasn’t my fault, nothing was further from my mind, biggest surprise of my life, must have found me terribly attractive quite suddenly, I don’t know … but I … I didn’t refuse. Anyway, we just kissed a bit, only a few minutes, by the lift, no one about, and that was that – she went to her room.
He props himself up on the pouffe.
The rest of it just didn’t happen. I mean, I wouldn’t do that sort of thing. I mean, that sort of thing … it’s just meaningless. I can understand that you’re upset, of course, but honestly, there was nothing else to it. Just a few kisses.
BILL rises, wiping his cardigan.
I’m dreadfully sorry, really, I mean, I’ve no idea why she should make up all that. Pure fantasy. Really rather naughty of her. Rather alarming. (Pause.) Do you know her well?
JAMES And then about midnight you went into her private bathroom and had a bath. You sang ‘Coming through the Rye’. You used her bath towel. Then you walked about the room with her bath towel, pretending you were a Roman.
BILL Did I?
JAMES Then I phoned.
Pause.
I spoke to her. Asked her how she was. She said she was all right. Her voice was a little low. I asked her to speak up. She didn’t have much to say. You were sitting on the bed, next to her.
Silence.
BILL Not sitting. Lying.
Blackout.
Church bells.
Full light up on both the flat and the house.
Sunday morning.
JAMES is sitting alone in the living room of the flat, reading the paper. HARRY and BILL are sitting in the living room of the house, coffee before them. BILL is reading the paper.
HARRY is watching him.
Silence.
Church bells.
Silence.
HARRY Put that paper down.
BILL What?
HARRY Put it down.
BILL Why?
HARRY You’ve read it.
BILL No, I haven’t. There’s lots to read, you know.
HARRY I told you to put it down.
BILL looks at him, throws the paper at him coolly and rises. HARRY picks it up and reads.
BILL Oh, you just wanted it yourself, did you?
HARRY Want it? I don’t want it.
HARRY crumples the paper deliberately and drops it.
I don’t want it. Do you want it?
BILL You’re being a little erratic this morning, aren’t you?
HARRY Am I?
BILL I would say you were.
HARRY Well, you know what it is, don’t you?
BILL No.
HARRY It’s the church bells. You know how church bells always set me off. You know how they affect me.
BILL I never hear them.
HARRY You’re not the sort of person who would, are you?
BILL I’m finding all this faintly idiotic.
BILL bends to pick up the paper.
HARRY Don’t touch that paper.
BILL Why not?
HARRY Don’t touch it.
BILL stares at him and then slowly picks it up.
Silence.
He tosses it to HARRY.
BILL You have it. I don’t want it.
BILL goes out and up the stairs. HARRY opens the paper and reads it.
In the flat, STELLA comes in with a tray of coffee and biscuits. She places the tray on the coffee table and passes a cup to JAMES. She sips.
STELLA Would you like a biscuit?
JAMES No, thank you.
Pause.
STELLA I’m going to have one.
JAMES You’ll get fat.
STELLA From biscuits?
JAMES You don’t want to get fat, do you?
STELLA Why not?
JAMES Perhaps you do.
STELLA It’s not one of my aims.
JAMES What is your aim?
Pause.
I’d like an olive.
STELLA Olive? We haven’t got any.
JAMES How do you know?
STELLA I know.
JAMES Have you looked?
STELLA I don’t need to look, do I? I know what I’ve got.
JAMES You know what you’ve got?
Pause.
Why haven’t we got any olives?
STELLA I didn’t know you liked them.
JAMES That must be the reason why we’ve never had them in the house. You’ve simply never been interested enough in olives to ask whether I
liked them or not.
The telephone rings in the house. HARRY ƒ puts the paper down and goes to it. BILL comes down the stairs. They stop, facing each other, momentarily. HARRY lifts the receiver. BILL walks into the room, picks up the paper and sits.
HARRY Hullo. What? No. Wrong number. (Replaces receiver.) Wrong number. Who do you think it was?
BILL I didn’t think.
HARRY Oh, by the way, a chap called for you yesterday.
BILL Oh yes?
HARRY Just after you’d gone out.
BILL Oh yes?
HARRY Ah well, time for the joint. Roast or chips?
BILL I don’t want any potatoes, thank you.
HARRY No potatoes? What an extraordinary thing. Yes, this chap, he was asking for you, he wanted you.
BILL What for?
HARRY He wanted to know if you ever cleaned your shoes with furniture polish.
BILL Really? How odd.
HARRY Not odd. Some kind of national survey.
BILL What did he look like?
HARRY Oh … lemon hair, nigger brown teeth, wooden leg, bottlegreen eyes and a toupee. Know him?
BILL Never met him.
HARRY You’d know him if you saw him.
BILL I doubt it.
HARRY What, a man who looked like that?
BILL Plenty of men look like that.
HARRY That’s true. That’s very true. The only thing is that this particular man was here last night.
BILL Was he? I didn’t see him.
HARRY Oh yes, he was here, but I’ve got a funny feeling he wore a mask. It was the same man, but he wore a mask, that’s all there is to it. He didn’t dance here last night, did he, or do any gymnastics?
BILL No one danced here last night.
HARRY Aah. Well, that’s why you didn’t notice his wooden leg. I couldn’t help seeing it myself when he came to the front door because he stood on the top step stark naked. Didn’t seem very cold, though. He had a waterbottle under bis arm instead of a hat.
BILL Those church bells have certainly left their mark on you.
HARRY They haven’t helped, but the fact of the matter is, old chap, that I don’t like strangers coming into my house without an invitation. (Pause.) Who is this man and what does he want?
The Short Plays of Harold Pinter Page 19