DUSTY What’s going on?
TERRY Tell him about the new club. I’ve just been telling him about the club. She’s a member.
GAVIN What’s it like?
DUSTY Oh, it’s beautiful. It’s got everything. It’s beautiful. The lighting’s wonderful. Isn’t it? Did you tell him about the alcoves?
TERRY Well, there’s a bar, you see, with glass alcoves, looking out to under the water.
DUSTY People swim at you, you see, while you’re having a drink.
TERRY Lovely girls.
DUSTY And men.
TERRY Mostly girls.
DUSTY Did you tell him about the food?
TERRY The cannelloni is brilliant.
DUSTY It’s first class. The food is really first class.
TERRY They even do chopped liver.
GAVIN You couldn’t describe that as a local dish.
MELISSA comes through the door and joins them.
MELISSA What on earth’s going on out there? It’s like the Black Death.
TERRY What is?
MELISSA The town’s dead. There’s nobody on the streets, there’s not a soul in sight, apart from some … soldiers. My driver had to stop at a … you know … what do you call it? … a road block. We had to say who we were … it really was a trifle …
GAVIN Oh, there’s just been a little … you know…
TERRY Nothing in it. Can I introduce you? Gavin White – our host. Dame Melissa.
GAVIN So glad you could come.
TERRY What are you drinking?
The WAITER approaches.
Have a glass of wine.
He hands MELISSA a glass.
DUSTY I keep hearing all these things. I don’t know what to believe.
MELISSA (to GAVIN) What a lovely party.
TERRY (to DUSTY) What did you say?
DUSTY I said I don’t know what to believe.
TERRY You don’t have to believe anything. You just have to shut up and mind your own business, how many times do I have to tell you? You come to a lovely party like this, all you have to do is shut up and enjoy the hospitality and mind your own fucking business. How many more times do I have to tell you? You keep hearing all these things. You keep hearing all these things spread by pricks about pricks. What’s it got to do with you?
Lights up on LIZ and CHARLOTTE, sitting on a sofa.
LIZ So beautiful. The mouth, really. And of course the eyes.
CHARLOTTE Yes.
LIZ Not to mention his hands. I’ll tell you, I would have killed –
CHARLOTTE I could see –
LIZ But that bitch had her legs all over him.
CHARLOTTE I know.
LIZ I thought she was going to crush him to death.
CHARLOTTE Unbelievable.
LIZ Her skirt was right up to her neck – did you see?
CHARLOTTE So barefaced –
LIZ Next minute she’s lugging him up the stairs.
CHARLOTTE I saw.
LIZ But as he was going, do you know what he did?
CHARLOTTE What?
LIZ He looked at me.
CHARLOTTE Did he?
LIZ I swear it. As he was being lugged out he looked back, he looked back, I swear, at me, like a wounded deer, I shall never, as long as I live, forget it, I shall never forget that look.
CHARLOTTE How beautiful.
LIZ I could have cut her throat, that nymphomaniac slut.
CHARLOTTE Yes, but think what happened. Think of the wonderful side of it. Because for you it was love, it was falling in love. That’s what it was, wasn’t it? You fell in love.
LIZ I did. You’re right. I fell in love. I am in love. I haven’t slept all night, I’m in love.
CHARLOTTE How many times does that happen? That’s the point. How often does it really happen? How often does anyone experience such a thing?
LIZ Yes, you’re right. That’s what happened to me. That is what has happened – to me.
CHARLOTTE That’s why you’re in such pain.
LIZ Yes, because that big-titted tart –
CHARLOTTE Raped the man you love.
LIZ Yes she did. That’s what she did. She raped my beloved.
Lights up on FRED and DOUGLAS, drinking.
FRED We’ve got to make it work.
DOUGLAS What?
FRED The country.
Pause.
DOUGLAS You’ve brought the house down with that one, Fred.
FRED But that’s what matters. That’s what matters. Doesn’t it?
DOUGLAS Oh, it matters. It matters. I should say it matters. All this fucking-about has to stop.
FRED You mean it?
DOUGLAS I mean it all right.
FRED I admire people like you.
DOUGLAS So do I.
FRED clenches his fist.
FRED A bit of that.
DOUGLAS clenches his fist.
DOUGLAS A bit of that.
Pause.
FRED How’s it going tonight?
DOUGLAS Like clockwork. Look. Let me tell you something. We want peace. We want peace and we’re going to get it.
FRED Quite right.
DOUGLAS We want peace and we’re going to get it. But we want that peace to be cast iron. No leaks. No draughts. Cast iron. Tight as a drum. That’s the kind of peace we want and that’s the kind of peace we’re going to get. A cast-iron peace.
He clenches his fist.
Like this.
FRED You know, I really admire people like you.
DOUGLAS So do I.
Lights up on MELISSA, DUSTY, TERRY and GAVIN.
MELISSA (to DUSTY) How sweet of you to say so.
DUSTY But you do have a really wonderful figure. Honestly. Doesn’t she?
TERRY I’ve known this lady for years. Haven’t I? How many years have I known you? Years. And she’s always looked the same. Haven’t you? She’s always looked the same. Hasn’t she?
GAVIN Has she?
DUSTY Always. Haven’t you?
TERRY She has. Isn’t that right?
MELISSA Oh, you’re joking.
TERRY Not me. I never joke. Have you ever heard me crack a joke?
MELISSA No, if I still look all right, it’s probably because I’ve just joined this new club – (To GAVIN.) Do you know it?
TERRY We were just telling him. We were just telling him all about it.
MELISSA Oh, were you?
GAVIN Just now, yes. Sounds delightful. You’re a member, are you?
MELISSA Oh yes. I think it’s saved my life. The swimming. Why don’t you join? Do you play tennis?
GAVIN I’m a golfer. I play golf.
MELISSA What else do you do?
GAVIN (smiling) I don’t understand what you mean.
TERRY What else does he do? He doesn’t do anything else. He plays golf. That’s what he does. That’s all he does. He plays golf.
GAVIN Well … I do sail. I do own a boat.
DUSTY I love boats.
TERRY What?
DUSTY I love boats. I love boating.
TERRY Boating. Did you hear that?
DUSTY I love cooking on boats.
TERRY The only thing she doesn’t like on boats is being fucked on boats. That’s what she doesn’t like.
MELISSA That’s funny. I thought everyone liked that.
Silence.
DUSTY Does anyone know what’s happened to my brother Jimmy?
TERRY I don’t know what it is. Perhaps she’s deaf or perhaps my voice isn’t strong enough or distinct enough. What do you think, folks? Perhaps there’s something faulty with my diction. I’m forced to float all these possibilities because I thought I had said that we don’t discuss this question of what has happened to Jimmy, that it’s not up for discussion, that it’s not on anyone’s agenda. I thought I had already made that point quite clearly. But perhaps my voice isn’t strong enough or perhaps my articulation isn’t good enough or perhaps she’s deaf.
DUSTY It’s on my agenda.
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br /> TERRY What did you say?
DUSTY I said it’s on my agenda.
TERRY No no, you’ve got it wrong there, old darling. What you’ve got wrong there, old darling, what you’ve got totally wrong, is that you don’t have any agenda. Got it? You have no agenda. Absolutely the opposite is the case. (To the others.) I’m going to have to give her a real talking to when I get her home, I can see that.
GAVIN So odd, the number of men who can’t control their wives.
TERRY What?
GAVIN (to MELISSA) It’s the root of so many ills, you know. Uncontrollable wives.
MELISSA Yes, I know what you mean.
TERRY What are you saying to me?
GAVIN (to MELISSA) I went for a walk in the woods the other day. I had no idea how many squirrels were still left in this country. I find them such vivacious creatures, quite enchanting.
MELISSA I used to love them as a girl.
GAVIN Did you really? What about hawks?
MELISSA Oh I loved hawks too. And eagles. But certainly hawks. The kestrel. The way it flew, and hovered, over my valley. It made me cry. I still cry.
The lights in the room dim.
The light beyond the open door gradually intensifies. It burns into the room.
The door light fades down. The room lights come up on DOUGLAS, FRED, LIZ and CHARLOTTE.
DOUGLAS Oh, have you met my wife?
FRED (to LIZ) How do you do?
LIZ This is Charlotte.
FRED We’ve met before.
LIZ You’ve met before?
CHARLOTTE Oh yes. We’ve met. He gave me a leg up in life.
DOUGLAS Did you really? How exciting.
FRED It was.
DOUGLAS Was it exciting for you too? To be given a leg up?
CHARLOTTE Mmmmnnn. Yes. Oh, yes. I’m still trembling.
DOUGLAS How exciting.
LIZ I think this is such a gorgeous party. Don’t you? I mean I just think it’s such a gorgeous party. Don’t you? I think it’s such fun. I love the fact that people are so well dressed. Casual but good. Do you know what I mean? Is it silly to say I feel proud? I mean to be part of the society of beautifully dressed people? Oh God I don’t know, elegance, style, grace, taste, don’t these words, these concepts, mean anything any more? I’m not alone, am I, in thinking them incredibly important? Anyway I love everything that flows. I can’t tell you how happy I feel.
FRED (to CHARLOTTE) You married someone. I’ve forgotten who it was.
Silence.
CHARLOTTE He died.
Silence.
DOUGLAS If you’re free this summer do come to our island. We take an island for the summer. Do come. There’s more or less nobody there. Just a few local people who do us proud. Terribly civil. Everything works. I have my own generator. But the storms are wild, aren’t they, darling? If you like storms. Siroccos. Makes you feel alive. Truly alive. Makes the old pulse go rat-a-tat-tat. God it can be wild, can’t it, darling? Makes the old pulse go rat-a-tat-tat. Raises the ante. You know. Gets the blood up. Actually, when I’m out there on the island I feel ten years younger. I could take anyone on. Man, woman or child, what?
He laughs.
I could take a wild animal on. But then when the storm is over and night falls and the moon is out in all its glory and all you’re left with is the rhythm of the sea, of the waves, you know what God intended for the human race, you know what paradise is.
Lights up on TERRY and DUSTY, in a corner of the room.
TERRY Are you mad? Do you know what that man is?
DUSTY Yes, I think I know what that man is.
TERRY You don’t know what he is. You have no idea. You don’t know what his position is. You have simply no idea. You simply have no idea.
DUSTY He has lovely manners. He seems to come from another world. A courteous, caring world. He’ll send me flowers in the morning.
TERRY No he bloody won’t. Oh no he bloody won’t.
DUSTY Poor darling, are you upset? Have I let you down? I’ve let you down. And I’ve always tried to be such a good wife. Such a good wife.
They stare at each other.
Perhaps you’ll kill me when we get home? Do you think you will? Do you think you’ll put an end to it? Do you think there is an end to it? What do you think? Do you think that if you put an end to me that would be the end of everything for everyone? Will everything and everyone die with me?
TERRY Yes, you’re all going to die together, you and all your lot.
DUSTY How are you going to do it? Tell me.
TERRY Easy. We’ve got dozens of options. We could suffocate every single one of you at a given signal or we could shove a broomstick up each individual arse at another given signal or we could poison all the mother’s milk in the world so that every baby would drop dead before it opened its perverted bloody mouth.
DUSTY But will it be fun for me? Will it be fun?
TERRY You’ll love it. But I’m not going to tell you which method we’ll use. I just want you to have a lot of sexual anticipation. I want you to look forward to whatever the means employed with a lot of sexual anticipation.
DUSTY But you still love me?
TERRY Of course I love you. You’re the mother of my children.
DUSTY Oh incidentally, what’s happened to Jimmy?
Lights up on FRED and CHARLOTTE.
FRED Such a long time.
CHARLOTTE Such a long time.
FRED Isn’t it?
CHARLOTTE Oh, yes. Ages.
FRED You’re looking as beautiful as ever.
CHARLOTTE So are you.
FRED Me? Not me.
CHARLOTTE Oh, you are. Well, in a manner of speaking.
FRED What do you mean, in a manner of speaking?
CHARLOTTE Oh, I meant you look as beautiful as ever.
FRED But I never was beautiful. In any way.
CHARLOTTE No, that’s true. You weren’t. In any way at all. I’ve been talking shit. In a manner of speaking.
FRED Your language was always deplorable.
CHARLOTTE Yes. Appalling.
FRED Are you enjoying the party?
CHARLOTTE Best party I’ve been to in years.
Pause.
FRED You said your husband died.
CHARLOTTE My what?
FRED Your husband.
CHARLOTTE Oh my husband. Oh yes. That’s right. He died.
FRED Was it a long illness?
CHARLOTTE Short.
FRED Ah.
Pause.
Quick then.
CHARLOTTE Quick, yes. Short and quick.
Pause.
FRED Better that way.
CHARLOTTE Really?
FRED I would have thought.
CHARLOTTE Ah. I see. Yes.
Pause.
Better for who?
FRED What?
CHARLOTTE You said it would be better. Better for who?
FRED For you.
CHARLOTTE laughs.
CHARLOTTE Yes! I’m glad you didn’t say him.
FRED Well, I could say him. A quick death must be better than a slow one. It stands to reason.
CHARLOTTE No it doesn’t.
Pause.
Anyway, I’ll bet it can be quick and slow at the same time. I bet it can. I bet death can be both things at the same time. Oh by the way, he wasn’t ill.
Pause.
FRED You’re still very beautiful.
CHARLOTTE I think there’s something going on in the street.
FRED What?
CHARLOTTE I think there’s something going on in the street.
FRED Leave the street to us.
CHARLOTTE Who’s us?
FRED Oh, just us … you know.
She stares at him.
CHARLOTTE God, your looks! No, seriously. You’re still so handsome! How do you do it? What’s your diet? What’s your regime? What is your regime by the way? What do you do to keep yourself so … I don’t know … so … oh, I don’t know …
so trim, so fit?
FRED I lead a clean life.
DOUGLAS and LIZ join them.
CHARLOTTE (to DOUGLAS) Do you too?
DOUGLAS Do I what?
CHARLOTTE Fred says he looks so fit and so … handsome … because he leads a clean life. What about you?
DOUGLAS I lead an incredibly clean life. It doesn’t make me handsome but it makes me happy.
LIZ And it makes me happy too. So happy.
DOUGLAS Even though I’m not handsome?
LIZ But you are. You are. Isn’t he? He is. You are. Isn’t he?
DOUGLAS puts his arm around her.
DOUGLAS When we were first married we lived in a two-roomed flat. I was – I’ll be frank – I was a traveller, a commercial traveller, a salesman – it’s true, that’s what I was and I don’t deny it – and travel I did. Didn’t I? Travel I did. Because my little girl here had given birth to twins.
He laughs.
Can you believe it? Twins. I had to slave my guts out, I can tell you. But this girl here, this little girl here, do you know what she did? She looked after those twins all by herself! No maid, no help, nothing. She did it herself – all by herself. And when I got back from my travelling I would find the flat immaculate, the twins bathed and in bed, tucked up in bed, fast asleep, my wife looking beautiful and my dinner in the oven.
FRED applauds.
And that’s why we’re still together.
He kisses LIZ on the cheek.
That’s why we’re still together.
The lights in the room dim.
The light beyond the open door gradually intensifies. It burns into the room.
The door light fades down. The room lights come up on TERRY, DUSTY, GAVIN, MELISSA, FRED, CHARLOTTE, DOUGLAS and LIZ.
TERRY The thing is, it is actually real value for money. Now this is a very, very unusual thing. It is an extremely unusual thing these days to find that you are getting real value for money. You take your hand out of your pocket and you put your money down and you know what you’re getting. And what you’re getting is absolutely gold-plated service. Gold-plated service in all departments. You’ve got real catering. You’ve got catering on all levels. You’ve not only got very good catering in itself – you know, food, that kind of thing – and napkins – you know, all that, wonderful, first rate – but you’ve also got artistic catering – you actually have an atmosphere – in this club – which is catering artistically for its clientele. I’m referring to the kind of light, the kind of paint, the kind of music, the club offers. I’m talking about a truly warm and harmonious environment. You won’t find voices raised in our club. People don’t do vulgar and sordid and offensive things. And if they do we kick them in the balls and chuck them down the stairs with no trouble at all.
The Short Plays of Harold Pinter Page 38