Silence.
RUSSELL Have you been working here long?
WAITER Years.
RUSSELL You going to stay until it changes hands?
WAITER Are you suggesting that I’m about to get the boot?
SUKI They wouldn’t do that to a nice lad like you.
WAITER To be brutally honest, I don’t think I’d recover if they did a thing like that. This place is like a womb to me. I prefer to stay in my womb. I strongly prefer that to being born.
RUSSELL I don’t blame you. Listen, next time we’re talking about T. S. Eliot I’ll drop you a card.
WAITER You would make me a very happy man. Thank you. Thank you. You are incredibly gracious people.
SUKI How sweet of you.
WAITER Gracious and graceful.
He goes.
SUKI What a nice young man.
Table One.
LAMBERT You won’t believe this. You’re not going to believe this – and I’m only saying this because I’m among friends – and I know I’m well liked because I trust my family and my friends – because I know they like me fundamentally – you know – deep down they trust me – deep down they respect me – otherwise I wouldn’t say this. I wouldn’t take you all into my confidence if I thought you all hated my guts – I couldn’t be open and honest with you if I thought you thought I was a pile of shit. If I thought you would like to see me hung, drawn and fucking quartered – I could never be frank and honest with you if that was the truth – never …
Silence.
But as I was about to say, you won’t believe this, I fell in love once and this girl I fell in love with loved me back. I know she did.
Pause.
JULIE Wasn’t that me, darling?
LAMBERT Who?
MATT Her.
LAMBERT Her? No, not her. A girl. I used to take her for walks along the river.
JULIE Lambert fell in love with me on the top of a bus. It was a short journey. Fulham Broadway to Shepherd’s Bush, but it was enough. He was trembling all over. I remember. (To PRUE.) When I got home I came and sat on your bed, didn’t I?
LAMBERT I used to take this girl for walks along the river. I was young, I wasn’t much more than a nipper.
MATT That’s funny. I never knew anything about that. And I knew you quite well, didn’t I?
LAMBERT What do you mean you knew me quite well? You knew nothing about me. You know nothing about me. Who the fuck are you anyway?
MATT I’m your big brother.
LAMBERT I’m talking about love, mate. You know, real fucking love, walking along the banks of a river holding hands.
MATT I saw him the day he was born. You know what he looked like? An alcoholic. Pissed as a newt. He could hardly stand.
JULIE He was trembling like a leaf on top of that bus. I’ll never forget it.
PRUE I was there when you came home. I remember what you said. You came into my room. You sat down on my bed.
MATT What did she say?
PRUE I mean we were sisters, weren’t we?
MATT Well, what did she say?
PRUE I’ll never forget what you said. You sat on my bed. Didn’t you? Do you remember?
LAMBERT This girl was in love with me – I’m trying to tell you.
PRUE Do you remember what you said?
Table Two.
RICHARD comes to the table.
RICHARD Good evening.
RUSSELL Good evening.
SUKI Good evening.
RICHARD Everything in order?
RUSSELL First class.
RICHARD I’m so glad.
SUKI Can I say something?
RICHARD But indeed –
SUKI Everyone is so happy in your restaurant. I mean women and men. You make people so happy.
RICHARD Well, we do like to feel that it’s a happy restaurant.
RUSSELL It is a happy restaurant. For example, look at me. Look at me. I’m basically a totally disordered personality, some people would describe me as a psychopath. (To SUKI.) Am I right?
SUKI Yes.
RUSSELL But when I’m sitting in this restaurant I suddenly find I have no psychopathic tendencies at all. I don’t feel like killing everyone in sight, I don’t feel like putting a bomb under everyone’s arse. I feel something quite different, I have a sense of equilibrium, of harmony, I love my fellow diners. Now this is very unusual for me. Normally I feel – as I’ve just said – absolutely malice and hatred towards everyone within spitting distance – but here I feel love. How do you explain it?
SUKI It’s the ambience.
RICHARD Yes, I think ambience is that intangible thing that cannot be defined.
RUSSELL Quite right.
SUKI It is intangible. You’re absolutely right.
RUSSELL Absolutely.
RICHARD That is absolutely right. But it does – I would freely admit – exist. It’s something you find you are part of. Without knowing exactly what it is.
RUSSELL Yes. I had an old schoolmaster once who used to say that ambience surrounds you. He never stopped saying that. He lived in a little house in a nice little village but none of us boys were ever invited to tea.
RICHARD Yes, it’s funny you should say that. I was brought up in a little village myself.
SUKI No? Were you?
RICHARD Yes, isn’t it odd? In a little village in the country.
RUSSELL What, right in the country?
RICHARD Oh, absolutely. And my father once took me to our village pub. I was only that high. Too young to join him for his pint of course. But I did look in. Black beams.
RUSSELL On the roof?
RICHARD Well, holding the ceiling up in fact. Old men smoking pipes, no music of course, cheese rolls, gherkins, happiness. I think this restaurant – which you so kindly patronise – was inspired by that pub in my childhood. I do hope you noticed that you have complimentary gherkins as soon as you take your seat.
SUKI That was you! That was your idea!
RICHARD I believe the concept of this restaurant rests in that public house of my childhood.
SUKI I find that incredibly moving.
Table One.
LAMBERT I’d like to raise my glass.
MATT What to?
LAMBERT To my wife. To our anniversary.
JULIE Oh darling! You remembered!
LAMBERT I’d like to raise my glass. I ask you to raise your glasses to my wife.
JULIE I’m so touched by this, honestly. I mean I have to say –
LAMBERT Raise your fucking glass and shut up!
JULIE But darling, that’s naked aggression. He doesn’t normally go in for naked aggression. He usually disguises it under honeyed words. What is it sweetie? He’s got a cold in the nose, that’s what it is.
LAMBERT I want us to drink to our anniversary. We’ve been married for more bloody years than I can remember and it don’t seem a day too long.
PRUE Cheers.
MATT Cheers.
JULIE It’s funny our children aren’t here. When they were young we spent so much time with them, the little things, looking after them.
PRUE I know.
JULIE Playing with them.
PRUE Feeding them.
JULIE Being their mothers.
PRUE They always loved me much more than they loved him.
JULIE Me too. They loved me to distraction. I was their mother.
PRUE Yes, I was too. I was my children’s mother.
MATT They have no memory.
LAMBERT Who?
MATT Children. They have no memory. They remember nothing. They don’t remember who their father was or who their mother was. It’s all a hole in the wall for them. They don’t remember their own life.
SONIA comes to the table.
SONIA Everything all right?
JULIE Perfect.
SONIA Were you at the opera this evening?
JULIE No.
PRUE No.
SONIA Theatre?
PRUE No.
>
JULIE No.
MATT This is a celebration.
SONIA Oh my goodness! A birthday?
MATT Anniversary.
PRUE My sister and her husband. Anniversary of their marriage. I was her leading bridesmaid.
MATT I was his best man.
LAMBERT I was just about to fuck her at the altar when somebody stopped me.
SONIA Really?
MATT I stopped him. His zip went down and I kicked him up the arse. It would have been a scandal. The world’s press was on the doorstep.
JULIE He was always impetuous.
SONIA We get so many different kinds of people in here, people from all walks of life.
PRUE Do you really?
SONIA Oh yes. People from all walks of life. People from different countries. I’ve often said, ‘You don’t have to speak English to enjoy good food.’ I’ve often said that. Or even understand English. It’s like sex isn’t it? You don’t have to be English to enjoy sex. You don’t have to speak English to enjoy sex. Lots of people enjoy sex without being English. I’ve known one or two Belgian people for example who love sex and they don’t speak a word of English. The same applies to Hungarians.
LAMBERT Yes. I met a chap who was born in Venezuela once and he didn’t speak a fucking word of English.
MATT Did he enjoy sex?
LAMBERT Sex?
SONIA Yes, it’s funny you should say that. I met a man from Morocco once and he was very interested in sex.
JULIE What happened to him?
SONIA Now you’ve upset me. I think I’m going to cry.
PRUE Oh, poor dear. Did he let you down?
SONIA He’s dead. He died in another woman’s arms. He was on the job. Can you see how tragic my life has been?
Pause.
MATT Well, I can. I don’t know about the others.
JULIE I can too.
PRUE So can I.
SONIA Have a happy night.
She goes.
LAMBERT Lovely woman.
The WAITER comes to the table and pours wine into their glasses.
WAITER Do you mind if I interject?
MATT What?
WAITER Do you mind if I make an interjection?
MATT Help yourself.
WAITER It’s just that a little bit earlier I heard you saying something about the Hollywood studio system in the thirties.
PRUE Oh you heard that?
WAITER Yes. And I thought you might be interested to know that my grandfather was very familiar with a lot of the old Hollywood film stars back in those days. He used to knock about with Clark Gable and Elisha Cook Jr and he was one of the very few native-born Englishmen to have had it off with Hedy Lamarr.
JULIE No?
LAMBERT What was she like in the sack?
WAITER He said she was really tasty.
JULIE I’ll bet she was.
WAITER Of course there was a very well-established Irish Mafia in Hollywood in those days. And there was a very close connection between some of the famous Irish film stars and some of the famous Irish gangsters in Chicago. Al Capone and Victor Mature for example. They were both Irish. Then there was John Dillinger the celebrated gangster and Gary Cooper the celebrated film star. They were Jewish.
Silence.
JULIE It makes you think, doesn’t it?
PRUE It does make you think.
LAMBERT You see that girl at that table? I know her. I fucked her when she was eighteen.
JULIE What, by the banks of the river?
LAMBERT waves at SUKI. SUKI waves back. She whispers to RUSSELL, gets up and goes to LAMBERT’s table followed by RUSSELL.
SUKI Lambert! It’s you!
LAMBERT Suki! You remember me!
SUKI Do you remember me?
LAMBERT Do I remember you? Do I remember you!
SUKI This is my husband Russell.
LAMBERT Hello Russell.
RUSSELL Hello Lambert.
LAMBERT This is my wife Julie.
JULIE Hello Suki.
SUKI Hello Julie.
RUSSELL Hello Julie.
JULIE Hello Russell.
LAMBERT And this is my brother Matt.
MATT Hello Suki, hello Russell.
SUKI Hello Matt.
RUSSELL Hello Matt.
LAMBERT And this is his wife Prue. She’s Julie’s sister.
SUKI She’s not!
PRUE Yes, we’re sisters and they’re brothers.
SUKI They’re not!
RUSSELL Hello Prue.
PRUE Hello Russell.
SUKI Hello Prue.
PRUE Hello Suki.
LAMBERT Sit down. Squeeze in. Have a drink.
They sit.
What’ll you have?
RUSSELL A drop of that red wine would work wonders.
LAMBERT Suki?
RUSSELL She’ll have the same.
SUKI (to LAMBERT) Are you still obsessed with gardening?
LAMBERT Me?
SUKI (to JULIE) When I knew him he was absolutely obsessed with gardening.
LAMBERT Yes, well, I would say I’m still moderately obsessed with gardening.
JULIE He likes grass.
LAMBERT It’s true. I love grass.
JULIE Green grass.
SUKI You used to love flowers, didn’t you? Do you still love flowers?
JULIE He adores flowers. The other day I saw him emptying a piss pot into a bowl of lilies.
RUSSELL My dad was a gardener.
MATT Not your grandad?
RUSSELL No, my dad.
SUKI That’s right, he was. He was always walking about with a lawn mower.
LAMBERT What, even in the Old Kent Road?
RUSSELL He was a man of the soil.
MATT How about your grandad?
RUSSELL I never had one.
JULIE Funny that when you knew my husband you thought he was obsessed with gardening. I always thought he was obsessed with girls’ bums.
SUKI Really?
PRUE Oh yes, he was always a keen wobbler.
MATT What do you mean? How do you know?
PRUE Oh don’t get excited. It’s all in the past.
MATT What is?
SUKI I sometimes feel that the past is never past.
RUSSELL What do you mean?
JULIE You mean that yesterday is today?
SUKI That’s right. You feel the same, do you?
JULIE I do.
MATT Bollocks.
JULIE I wouldn’t like to live again though, would you? Once is more than enough.
LAMBERT I’d like to live again. In fact I’m going to make it my job to live again. I’m going to come back as a better person, a more civilised person, a gentler person, a nicer person.
JULIE Impossible.
Pause.
PRUE I wonder where these two met? I mean Lambert and Suki.
RUSSELL Behind a filing cabinet.
Silence.
JULIE What is a filing cabinet?
RUSSELL It’s a thing you get behind.
Pause.
LAMBERT No, not me mate. You’ve got the wrong bloke. I agree with my wife. I don’t even know what a filing cabinet looks like. I wouldn’t know a filing cabinet if I met one coming round the corner.
Pause.
JULIE So what’s your job now then, Suki?
SUKI Oh, I’m a schoolteacher now. I teach infants.
PRUE What, little boys and little girls?
SUKI What about you?
PRUE Oh, Julie and me – we run charities. We do charities.
RUSSELL Must be pretty demanding work.
JULIE Yes, we’re at it day and night, aren’t we?
PRUE Well, there are so many worthy causes.
MATT (to RUSSELL) You’re a banker? Right?
RUSSELL That’s right.
MATT (to LAMBERT) He’s a banker.
LAMBERT With a big future before him.
MATT Well, that’s what he reckons.
LAMBERT I w
ant to ask you a question. How did you know he was a banker?
MATT Well, it’s the way he holds himself, isn’t it?
LAMBERT Oh, yes.
SUKI What about you two?
LAMBERT Us two?
SUKI Yes.
LAMBERT Well, we’re consultants. Matt and me. Strategy consultants.
MATT Strategy consultants.
LAMBERT It means we don’t carry guns.
MATT and LAMBERT laugh.
We don’t have to!
MATT We’re peaceful strategy consultants.
LAMBERT Worldwide. Keeping the peace.
RUSSELL Wonderful.
LAMBERT Eh?
RUSSELL Really impressive. We need a few more of you about.
Pause.
We need more people like you. Taking responsibility. Taking charge. Keeping the peace. Enforcing the peace. Enforcing peace. We need more like you. I think I’ll have a word with my bank. I’m moving any minute to a more substantial bank. I’ll have a word with them. I’ll suggest lunch. In the City. I know the ideal restaurant. All the waitresses have big tits.
The Short Plays of Harold Pinter Page 45