by Lisa Swallow
Josh. Hospital.
An image of Josh lying unconscious on the ground flickers across my mind and I catch my breath. I need to leave. Now.
I jump back to awareness as Nate’s strong hand circles my arm. “Riley, I’ll take you.”
“It’s fine. I have my car.” I fumble in my bag for my keys.
“No. You’re not driving in this mess.” He takes them from me.
I snatch them back. “No. I can do it.”
“Riley…” He grips my hand and we tussle over the keys. “Will you just let someone fucking help you for once!”
The retort catches in my throat and I look down, away, anywhere but at Nate. A tear touches my nose and I swipe it away. When did I start crying? I take short, sharp breaths and look at the keys in my hand. “Okay,” I whisper.
41
RILEY
Nate’s with me but he could be anyone, a body sitting on the plastic chair besides me as I count the tiles between my seat and the nurses’ station. Eleven. I prefer even numbers.
The London traffic is stressful on a good day; today I wavered between frustration and defeat at how long it took to drive to Barnet. Nate attempted to console me, but when I didn’t acknowledge his platitudes, he gave up.
This morning, Josh chatted about Minecraft and I left him with Lauren to walk to school. I kissed his dark hair, followed a morning routine. How can this happen at school? He should be safe there, not hitting his head and under observation for bleeding on the brain.
The person next to me walks away, his Converse padding across the half-empty waiting room. I check my phone for the tenth time, but Mum hasn’t called yet. She’ll freak out, and I’m not sure I can cope with someone else’s emotions.
“Riley.” The person takes my hands and opens my fingers, pushing a plastic cup into one. The smell of coffee hits my senses and turns my stomach.
“No thanks.” I push the cup back and look up.
Nate. The concerned lines sit above his confused eyes. This man is out of his depth. He sets the cup on the plastic table between two seats as he sits, then takes my hand.
Nate never asked if I wanted him to stay with me, he just did.
“He’ll be okay,” he says and squeezes my fingers.
“You can go now. Thanks for bringing me.”
“I’m not leaving you on your own.”
“I’ll be okay. You don’t belong here.”
Nate’s grip tightens. “I want to, Riley. This is your reality, and if I want to be part of your world, this is where I should be. With you.”
“Please don’t say that. Don’t mess with me. I know you were going to end things today.”
“I’m not and I wasn’t.” In my dazed state, I don’t hear what Nate says next, as he wipes tears from my face with his thumbs. My tears have hardly stopped in hours — I’m terrified I’ll lose Josh.
Nate’s hands encircle mine the way he did in the snow; the way he holds my heart.
A nurse approaches and I look up in hope, but her shoes squeak across the tiles as she passes to talk to another nurse.
Nate speaks, but I’m straining to hear what the nurse says. No point; her voice is too low.
“Sorry, Nate. I wasn’t listening.”
He takes my face in both hands and forces me to look at him, eyes shining. “Are you listening now?”
I attempt to nod, but he holds tightly.
“I said, I love you and I’m here for you. I don’t think I have any choice, I can’t let you go.”
The dreamlike atmosphere doesn’t shift, his admission one more weird thing to add to my spaced out day. “What do you mean?”
“Can I be any clearer?”
“I… But… Today you were…”
“Forget about earlier. You know I’m a dumbass. I don’t know what the hell goes on in my own head sometimes.”
I smile through my tears. “Okay. And yes, you are.”
Nate places the softest of kisses on my mouth. “I know you don’t want to deal with us right now, but don’t tell me to leave because you think I don’t care. I do. I want you. This”
“I think I’m in the worst nightmare of my life, and I don’t think I’ll remember this tomorrow.”
He laughs. “I’ll tell you again, and again, until you believe me.”
Nate wraps his arms around me, his hard warmth a place I can let myself go to, even if for a few minutes.
When I wake an hour later, I’m still in my protected place, and for a moment forget where I am and why. I shift and tighten my arms around his waist, listening to Nate’s steady heartbeat. I’m out of my depth too and never expected Nate to keep me afloat.
42
RILEY
The large bed dominates the private hospital room, and Josh sleeps. I curl up on the small sofa opposite, alert to any sound. My boisterous boy who rarely sits still lost consciousness again yesterday, for too long, and the hospital want to keep him under observation for an extra day. Subdural haematoma. Until this week, I’d never heard the words, and now they’re concerned this may happen to my son. I don’t understand and stare blankly at the doctor’s explanations of possible complications.
Yesterday, when Josh lapsed in and out of consciousness, my feeling of powerlessness grew. Today Josh is with the world again, complaining about a headache. He had a smile for me before he slept, and I hold hope this nightmare won’t end in a worse one.
I can’t lose the sick feeling Josh might close his eyes and never wake up again, that the injury is worse than they’re telling me, but the nurses reassure me over and over. As does Nate.
Mum comes and goes, but this exhausts her. I refuse to go home; now onto my third day here, I feel like crap but don’t want to leave Josh’s side. Cards from friends and a hand-drawn card from school line up on the table by his bedside. Mum calmed my anger at the school and stopped me from calling them when I was upset. This was a pure accident. Running to the classroom, he tripped and hit his head on the pavers, hard and in a bad place.
I walk over to the seat by Josh’s bed and sit, taking Josh’s hand and resting my head on the edge of the bed. Somebody knocks, the nurses always do when they come in to check on Josh, and so I don’t move.
“Are you asleep?” A touch on the shoulder accompanies Nate’s voice.
“No.” I keep my face buried in the rough hospital blanket. Nate refused to leave yesterday, but I wore him down, told him he’d be more use to me if he were rested. He left muttering something about my stubbornness a few hours ago, and hasn’t stayed away long. I’m a step closer to believing his words yesterday.
“Have you been home yet?” Nate pulls another chair over and sits next to me. “You look tired.”
“No.”
“Riley, you need to sleep. Let me drive you.”
“I can’t.” I turn my face, looking up at him from the bed, and he touches my cheek; the concerned crease I’m becoming familiar with sits between his brows. My open Nate, sharing my rawness.
“When is your mum coming back?”
“In a couple of hours.”
“When she does, I’m taking you home.” I open my mouth to respond. “End of. No discussion.”
I sit back heavily in my seat. “Don’t boss me around, Nate.”
“Somebody has to; you won’t listen to anybody else.” I scowl and he looks at Josh. “How’s the little guy?”
“He’s doing well.”
“Good.” Nate’s face softens as he looks at my pale, sleeping son. “Poor kid.”
I smile at his genuine sympathy.
“I knocked myself out when I was around his age. Will pushed me out of a tree.” I suppress a giggle and he shoves my arm. “It’s not funny!”
“Sorry. I was just thinking it would explain a lot, you getting knocked on the head.”
“Ha ha.” He closes a hand over mine. “Good to see you smiling. Smiley Ri—”
“Don’t you dare!” I push at him, attempting to frown but the glint in his eye
s wins me over. Nate walked in with a sneaky determination to lighten my mood, that I’m sure of.
He grabs my arms and pulls me close, placing his lips on mine. “You’re either coming home with me or I’m taking you to your place. Josh will be fine for a few hours. They’ll call you if there’s any change.”
Nate’s grip on my wrists matches the one he holds on every part of me, and as I look into his clear eyes, I trust him completely for the first time.
The spring sunshine hurts my eyes after time under the hospital lights and I’m in Nate’s car less than five minutes before I nod off. I wake up groggy as the car stops outside my house.
Inside is cool, empty of life, but smells of home. I pick the post up from the doormat and sort through until Nate takes the envelopes from me and throws them on the kitchen table.
“Don’t start! I’ve brought you home to rest.” He holds up my phone. “And I’ve confiscated this in case you’re tempted to call work.”
“I’ve left everything for a couple of days, maybe I should just—”
“Riley…” he warns. “Get upstairs and sleep.”
“You have a very bossy way of showing you care.”
He cocks a brow. “If you don’t get undressed and go to bed, I’ll do it for you.”
My tired body half-heartedly suggests I let him, but I pull a face. “Fine.”
Bath. I ache for a bath. I don’t usually find time for one and can’t remember the last time I had the luxury. Poking through my bathroom cupboards, I find a selection of bath bombs and gels, gifts from birthdays and Christmases, and grab the nearest. Once the pink bomb explodes with fragrant fizz, I lower myself into the bath and soak away the day of hell surrounding me.
The warmth soothes too much and, struggling to keep my eyes open, I drag myself out of the water. I tie a huge, fluffy green towel around myself; time to give in and sleep.
Nate stands outside the bathroom and I almost knock into him as I walk out. “What? Is something wrong? Is Josh okay?”
He steadies me with one hand. “I heard you run the bath, but nothing else for half an hour. Worried you might’ve drowned or some shit.”
“You really are a different man under there, aren’t you?” I touch his lips with my fingertips, warming further at his concern.
Nate does the opposite of what I expect: he tightens the knot at the top of the towel. “You smell funny. Not like you.”
I laugh and tiptoe to kiss him. “You smell exactly like you, but I like when you smell of oranges. Reminds me of the Nate I fell in love with.”
He tips his head, amusement in his eyes. “I never asked you before. When exactly did that happen?”
“I’d say around about January 20th. The weather was a bit snowy that day and you beat me at Scrabble.”
Nate closes his eyes and his mouth moves as he counts silently. He opens them. “Damn. You still won. I think I probably fell for you first.”
“Probably?” I shake my head. “How far by?”
Strong arms draw me closer. “Not saying,” he whispers against my mouth.
“It was never a competition.”
“Sure it was — I lost the day I met you. My variety of fucked up recognised yours, I guess.”
“Such a romantic, Nate Campbell.”
He smiles at me, the Nate smile I once craved, but he’d never grace me with. “Yeah.” I scowl at the word and he laughs. “You don’t expect me to write you love poems and crap like that do you? Because you’ll be very disappointed.”
“I’d die of shock.”
Nate purses his lips. “I have a few words. Like, I love you. Undeniably. Life-changingly. If that’s a word.” He scratches an eyebrow. “You and me, we match.”
“You could turn that into a poem if you like? A very short one that doesn’t rhyme?”
“Pfft. Write it down if you want.”
I wrap my arms around his neck. “I’m happy you found some new words. It helps to communicate, Nate.”
I swear he opens his mouth to say ‘yeah’ and stops himself. “I’ll work on that one.” He drags me closer by the towel. “Now witness my extreme self-control as I take you to bed and resist doing what I’ve sat downstairs daydreaming about.”
We slide into bed, Nate fully clothed, and I snuggle against him, naked. Nate pulls my damp hair into a ponytail and twists it away from my face.
“Nate and Riley,” he murmurs against my hair. “Unstoppable.”
“Undeniably,” I whisper back.
His heartbeat thumps against my cheek, lulling me, and I finally surrender to the battle against sleep, and my heart’s battle against Nate.
43
RILEY
I lie beneath the afternoon sun stretched out on a white lounger, eyes closed. The private villa on a quiet Greek island overlooks the deep-blue waters of the Mediterranean on our picture-perfect holiday destination. Nate insisted on upgrading to somewhere exclusive, and another Riley versus Nate battle began as he attempted to take over my holiday plans. Mum threw her hands up, refused to come, and had a quiet word with me about testing Nate with the holiday. I have to agree, two weeks in Greece with a five-year-old boy and his uptight mother will be a test of anybody’s relationship.
We delayed the holiday because of Josh’s accident. Two months since and life has shifted again. Josh recovered, but my paranoia that something may still happen to him was the final push away from work as my number one priority and I cut back my hours. At one point, I became too paranoid and had to wind back the visits to the doctor every time Josh had a headache. I’m worried because his coordination seems off since the accident, but that’s a case of wait and see because Josh has always been clumsy, thanks to his need to rush everywhere.
Half asleep, I’ve listened to the splash of the pool nearby and Josh’s shouting and laughter, but the heat from the sun becomes too much. I sit and reach for my glass of iced juice, which is no longer iced after an hour lying here.
“Your mum looks like she needs cooling down.” Nate sits on the edge of the pool, water trickling from his chest to his abs, the damp, blue board shorts hugging his muscular thighs. He wipes water from his face, upwards across his hair and my heart and stomach somersault.
Josh splashes in the middle of the azure pool, hanging onto an inflatable shark as he paddles in circles. I tense as Nate stands and approaches me, eyes shining with his plans.
“Nate…”
“Do it!” shrieks Josh.
“Nate!” I wriggle backwards on the lounger and attempt to climb off. Powerful arms grab me around the waist and drag me closer. My hot skin cools against his damp, as I struggle against his grip.
Nate effortlessly lifts me upwards, over his shoulder, and it’s my turn to shriek as he approaches the pool. “No! Don’t!” I dig my fingers into his taut forearms and wrestle against him.
“Your mum needs to have more fun, don’t you think?” he calls to Josh.
“Nate!” When a laugh escapes my lips, I seal my fate as Nate plunges into the pool holding onto me. I push to the surface and smack at him as he grabs my arms. The temperature of the pool after the heat of the day shivers through me, and if it wasn’t for the smile covering Josh’s face, I’d yell at Nate.
Instead, I tread water and pout at him. “You’re going to regret that,” I mutter.
“Oh, yeah?”
He rests his forehead on mine.
“Yes.”
Nate grabs my face and kisses me holding my head above the water. I gasp and cling to his shoulders, as his mouth moves gently across mine.
“Ewww!” A wave of water hits the side of my face. “Don’t kiss!”
I duck from Nate’s embrace and swim to Josh instead, then hang onto the inflatable, next to him. He pulls a face. “Nate is allowed to kiss you, but only when I’m not looking. It’s gross.”
“Don’t worry,” I whisper. “He won’t be getting any kisses from me after throwing me in the pool.” Josh giggles. “I’ll make some dinner. What w
ould you like?”
He glances at Nate. “I’m not hungry.”
“Why? You’ve been in the pool all afternoon.” Josh bites his lip, and I turn to Nate. “Why isn’t he hungry?”
“We might’ve had some ice cream.”
“Three ice creams!” pipes up Josh. “And some crisps.”
“Three?”
Nate pulls himself back onto the side of the pool. “You were asleep, he wanted one. So did I. They make some great ice cream over here.”
I glance around where an empty tub lies on the small, outdoor dining table, next to two bowls and a large empty bag of crisps. I take a deep breath and pull myself onto the edge of the pool next to Nate. This is one battle I’ll never win. Nate’s childish side has found its outlet in Josh. Filling Josh with ice cream and junk food, constant ganging up on me, and running around the villa fighting is a daily occurrence. Some of this comes from a deeper understanding Nate has of my need to relax and let go; to trust him and believe he’s genuine about his desire to be with both Josh and me.
The transformation, which began following Josh’s accident and in the weeks before we left for Greece, expands as the days pass, and as I let go of my caution.
Nate wraps an arm around my shoulders and kisses my nose. “Relax. I was going to get pizza later.” Josh cheers and splashes. “And then we’re going to teach Josh how to play Monopoly.”
“Monopoly? He’s five, Nate!”
“You’re never too young to learn how to play Monopoly. I’ll help Josh and we’ll play against you.” He stands and holds out a hand; I grab and he pulls me to my feet. “And I bet we’ll win.”
“Try me.” I raise a brow.
“Your mum’s very competitive,” he says to Josh.
“What does that mean?”
“She doesn’t like to lose.”
“I know! She never lets me win Snap.”
Nate gasps and shoves me hard; my backside hits the water again. “Ohmigod!” I yell when I resurface.
“We’ll sort her out, Josh. Me and you.”
Edging to pissed off now, I head to the steps and climb out. “I’m making dinner.” I grab a towel and yank it around my body before stalking off.
“Sorry!” Nate calls after me, and there’s another splash.