by Lucia Grace
He goes to say something when I deliver another blow to his face. He pushes me off of him, gets to his feet, and I shuffle to mine, figuring he’s going to come at me. But instead he spits out the blood filling his mouth and shouts at me, “Fuck you, man! All I did was whistle at her, you crazy motherfucker.”
With those parting words he picks up his bike, jumps on, and rides off. When I hear footsteps behind me, I turn to see Ember cautiously walking up to me. Tears pouring down her face, her beautiful body shaking with sobs as one hand covers her mouth to silence them.
Fuck. I did it again.
EMBER
What was turning out to be an amazing day at the beach quickly turned into another rage-filled evening.
Embarrassed by that biker whistling at me I thought was bad enough. I knew Kayson would have a comment or shout some obscenity at him, but I never would have thought he’d charge him like a bull. He dropped my hand and took off so fast I didn’t even have time to think. Then I was screaming his name, begging him to turn around and leave it be.
But no, he was too enraged to hear me. I hustled over to try to stop him as I saw him take the guy down from his bike. But as I approached, the biker was already shouting at Kayson and riding away. Leaving a seething-mad Kayson with heaving shoulders, trying to catch his breath.
When he looked over at me I saw the regret, but I also saw his pupils, the size of pinpoints, staring back at me, and I knew. I knew he was on something again, and I can’t for the life of me figure out how I missed it earlier. I can’t help but wonder when he would have had time to do anything when he seemed with it this morning. He seemed fine when he took me up against my bedroom door, after rushing into my house once my mom left for work. He seemed fine when we were at the beach just before this. But maybe I didn’t want to see it, because how could I miss these signs again and again with him?
Now we are standing on the back porch of my house, arguing again. Because, yet again, he went from apologetic to arguing with me. Belittling and demeaning me to make it seem like my fault and not his.
“Why do you have to dress like this, huh? Like some slut who doesn’t get enough from her man!” He’s seething mad, the vein popping out of his forehead, his pulse thrumming so hard I can see it pounding in his neck. “Do I not give you dick enough, Ember? Do I not make you feel fucking treasured? Do I not lick your pussy enough, make you come enough, worship your body enough? Well?” He roars.
“I don’t know why this is all of a sudden an issue now, Kase,” I say, sobbing at his cruelty. “You had no issue with my clothes earlier, when I came down the stairs, when we walked to the beach, and when we walked around on the pier.”
“My motherfucking problem is that you look like a fucking slut, showing off what is mine and mine alone. With that short-as-fuck skirt and tight-as-fuck white tank top that I can see your nipples poking out from.”
I cover my arms across my chest to mask my embarrassment over what I didn’t know could be seen. “I can’t take this anymore, Kayson! I just can’t. You erratic behavior, your cruel words. What happened to the boy I fell in love with? This isn’t him standing in front of me; insulting me, yelling at me.”
My sobbing has turned near hysterical and I go to step back inside through the sliding glass doors when, quick as lightning, Kayson has flipped a switch. He’s on his knees, laying his forehead to my tummy, begging me to forgive him.
“I’m so sorry, baby. Shh, don’t cry. It’s okay.” He’s trying to soothe me, but it’s having the opposite effect.
“I didn’t mean anything I just said.” He pleads with me, lifting his face to gaze into my watery eyes. The sobs still racking my body. “I swear to you I didn’t mean any of it. You look beautiful just like you always do. That douche bag just got me going, whistling and looking at you like that.”
With that he lifts from his knees and slams his mouth to mine. As if he can erase the last hour and act like it never happened. He is kissing me and holding me like his life depends on it. Like I’m his air, his will to live, and I become a puddle in his hands. And just like every time before this, I forgive him.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
-AUGUST-
KAYSON
Since our fight last month, after I blew up about that catcalling asshole and spewed more venom at Ember, I’ve hit a downward spiral again. Ever since that one line, after a few weeks without any, I’ve gone back to using again. And I hate myself for it. I’m lying again. Deceiving Ember. I’m falling deeper and deeper every day.
I just need this release though. I know I promised Ember. Again. But I need this. I need to forget about my shitty fucking mother and our shitty fucking house. Forget about the bullshit she spews at me almost daily about how I fucked-up her life and how I’ll never amount to anything just because she didn’t. I need this to get away from Ember’s perfection, which causes my guilt to rise. To forget about our future and the responsibilities and the time away from her that is bound to happen with her still in high school. I need this to let loose and forget just for a fucking minute.
So I take Decker up on his invite to join this house party at his place and drag Damon with me.
“This is not a good idea, bro. When Ember finds out…” He trails off when I give him a death glare.
“Yeah, well, she won’t find out as long as you keep your pansy-ass mouth shut.”
“You know what, dude, I’ve sat back and let you tear your world apart. I’ve watched you drag that girl down with you, too. You are lucky as shit to have her and all you do is continue to fuck it up. Don’t come crying to me when tonight blows up in your face.”
“Jesus Christ, I don’t need this from you, you know that? I have two fucking people in my life, you being one of them, can you please just keep your fucking thoughts to yourself for once?”
Damon gives a look of “what the fuck” that has me apologizing.
“I’m sorry. I just need this. I feel like I’m fucking drowning, man.”
“Ever stop to think it’s the lies and drugs doing this to you? Not whatever fucking excuses you come up with in your fucking head.” We’re just pulling up to Decker’s place when he lets that dig fly.
“Fuck, Damon. I really don’t need this lecture right now. Okay?” I don’t even let him answer because as soon as I finish asking I’m already climbing down from my truck and slamming the door shut.
“Yo, dude, I’m sorry. I just know this night isn’t going to go well and even though you’re my brother, Ember is my friend. And if she knew you were here instead of at my place like she thinks, I know she’d flip her shit.”
“Well, like I said before. She won’t have a clue as long as you keep your mouth shut. So let’s go inside so I can let loose a bit, then we can go.” I just need this release, just this little bit of time to unwind.
EMBER
Damon called and said to meet him at Decker’s house. He gave me the address and I couldn’t help but wonder why the heck Kayson would want to be at Decker’s house. He hates him. Plus, Kayson texted me earlier to tell me he’d be at Damon’s house since his mom was on another bender.
Damon also warned me that I wouldn’t be happy. Not happy is finding my boyfriend drunk when he’s supposed to be staying sober. Not happy is finding out that my boyfriend got into another fight with Decker and I’m here with my girls to pick him up. But what I walk in on isn’t something that I wouldn’t be happy about. What I walk in to see is something that is going to irrevocably change my life forever.
I walk through the front door, cross the hall into the opening of the kitchen, and it’s as if my world has stopped. Crash-landed to an abrupt halt. And is imploding and exploding all around me. He cannot be doing this to me.
There, leaning against the far wall near the bar, barely able to stand with a joint to his lips, is my boyfriend with some half-dressed floozy hanging all over him. He has one arm draped over her shoulder as he keeps the joint in his mouth and one gripping her ass for dear life. This gir
l is all over him. Rubbing and groping and practically dry humping him in a room full of people.
Damon sees me enter before Kayson does and he’s rushing over before I can run back out to Sam and Tracey and my getaway car. They offered to come with me, just in case. I never would have fathomed this was the ‘just in case.’
“It isn’t what you think. He’s drunk and high as fuck right now. So out of it he doesn’t even know what he’s doing. He’s called her Ember more than once,” he says, eyes pleading with me to take some pity and understanding on his friend.
“Is that supposed to make me feel better, Damon?” I ask, trembling and stifling a sob with a hand to my mouth when I watch in horror as this slut puts her lips to Kayson’s neck as she pulls the joint from his lips. Then slips it into hers to take a puff.
“No, of course not, Em. That’s not what I meant. I’m just saying he thinks it’s you. I’ve tried to stop him. Tried to tell him, but he is so far gone I can’t get through to him. That’s the only reason I called you.” He flinches when he realizes what he let slip. “I’m sorry, but I wouldn’t have called if I didn’t think you could help, Em. You know that.”
“What am I supposed to do?” I cry out. “He’s cheating on me, Damon! Or well on his way. Oh my God, I look like such a fool,” I exclaim, as I throw my hands up to cover my face. The tears falling freely at this point. Nothing stopping them.
“I can’t do this anymore,” I say as I turn away. But before I make it to the door Damon stops me with a hand to my upper arm.
“Em, you don’t—”
“No, I do. Letting him treat me this way. Letting him walk all over me and take advantage of my trust time and time again,” I cut him off.
“He won’t survive if you leave him, Ember,” he replies softly.
“Yeah, well, he should have thought of that before he chose to ruin us. Again.” And with that I slam the door.
KAYSON
“Dude, step the fuck back! Your girlfriend just ran out of here in a fucking sobbing mess because of you.”
“What the fuck are you talking about, Ember is right here,” I say, looking down at her. Or who I thought was her.
“I keep telling you my name isn’t Ember. My name’s Maggie. Fuck, you’re whipped by that fat, ugly bitch,” says a whiny voice that definitely does not belong to my girlfriend.
What the fuck?
“Watch what the fuck you say about her! You hear me, you slut?” Damon responds for me since my brain is a fucking pile of mush sloshing around in my head right now.
“I am not a slut!” she whines. Actually stomping her foot.
“Oh yeah? Then what the fuck are you doing over here dry humping him like a bitch in heat when you know he has a girlfriend? Yeah, that’s what I thought, now get lost.”
“Dude, what the fuck is going on?” I’m slurring each word so badly I can barely understand what I’m saying. So it’s a surprise Damon can.
“What the fuck is going on is that Ember just ran out of here a crying mess because of you!” he says, poking my chest.
“Oh fuck!”
As I slur my last word the front door bursts open and in storm Sam and Tracey.
Fuck me.
“Swallow some dynamite, whore!” Tracey yells as she stomps up to the whiny slut who is still hanging around. Even in my fucked-up state I know to keep them apart. But because of the drugs and alcohol flooding my system I take too long to react.
Thank God Damon is there though, wrapping his arms around her waist, pulling her back. That slut, whatever her name is, tries to slap Tracey, but I am able to intercept and take the blow to my chest.
I should have been paying attention though. If I was I would have seen Sam coming at me with her right arm cocked. I would have seen her throw her tiny fist to my face. And I would have expected the hit to my jaw.
But I wasn’t, so I didn’t, and man does she have one mean right hook.
I shake my head and try to catch my bearings when Sam starts spouting off right away. Calling me every name in the book.
“You no good, lying, cheating son of a cunt! What the fuck do you think you’re doing, fuckface? Letting this STD-riddled cum bucket of a whore rub all up on you, huh? Does that make you feel like a big man? Having this chick who’s ridden more dick like a pogo stick than all of the chicks at Pleasant Beach High combined?”
“Fucking Christ! I thought it was Ember. I’m so fucked I don’t even know what the fuck I’m saying.” And it’s true. I can’t even remember what I said to her.
“You seem pretty fine to me, asshole.”
“I swear to fucking Christ, I thought it was Em. I would never cheat on her. Ever. I fucking love her.” I push off the wall I was leaning against. Panic starts to shoot through my drug-addled veins. “Fuck, she thinks I cheated on her. I need to get to her. Now!”
I start to stagger through the kitchen, making my way to the hallway and closer to the front door when Sam and Tracey step in front of me.
“No fucking way, asshole. Step the fuck back.” Sam starts to push on my chest when I try to move past them.
“No, I need to get to her. I need to explain. She needs to know I fucking love her and would never—”
Tracey cuts me off before I can finish. “Give it up, Kayson. You fucked-up. This time maybe too badly to even recover.”
My legs almost give out. No way will I let this tear us apart. It can’t. She’ll understand. She has to. Right?
“Come on, Tracey. We need to get to Ember. She just sent me a text, from the car. Hell, she must be a complete mess.”
My heart cracks open. My girl, upset because of me.
What the fuck have I done?
“And I mean it, Kayson. Stay the fuck away from her. She doesn’t need this anymore. She doesn’t need you.”
With that parting shot, Sam and Tracey walk through the front door, slamming it behind them, taking my chances of making things right with Ember, with them.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
KAYSON
I am a selfish bastard. I want to keep her, love her, possess her. I need her. Ember makes me a better man even though my actions make it seem otherwise. Even after everything I’ve put her through—the fights, the drugs, the hurtful words, my arrest. Even after all of that she still makes me a better man because she gives me a reason to hold on.
But I can’t do this to her anymore. I can’t drag her down. Kill her dreams. Dim her light with my darkness. And that is exactly what I am doing. The party the other night is proof of that. It finally made me realize how far I had gone. Once I sobered up, of course.
I can’t keep doing this to her. Dragging her down with me. Bringing my bullshit insecurities and darkness and problems into our relationship. I need to be the bigger person and put her first. But the only way I’m going to be able to do that is to make her think I don’t want her anymore. Because if I simply just try to end things I know she’ll fight for me, for us, just like she has through this past year. I’m going to have to break her and make her believe that I cheated on her when I didn’t. I have to break her enough to make her leave.
So today I do the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I walk away, let her go, and make her think she isn’t my entire world. That my world doesn’t revolve around her. That she isn’t everything to me.
Today I destroy my future, shatter my heart, and fall deeper.
Today I close the door on us.
EMBER
“Why didn’t you tell us it had gotten this bad?” Tracey asks, as she rubs along my back while I lay my head in Sam’s lap. Sobs racking my body, my hands cradling my flat stomach.
“I was so ashamed.” I hiccup out. “I was just so ashamed that I was allowing him to treat me that way, but I just couldn’t leave. I couldn’t give up. I still can’t.”
“You are so much better than how you let him treat you, Em.” Sam’s voice is soft as she runs a hand through my long, dark hair. “He doesn’t deserve you, babe. He doesn’t d
eserve all that love you have inside you.”
Tears continue to fall freely down my face, soaking through the blanket covering Sam’s lap as we all huddle on my bed. “I don’t know what I’m going to do. After that party, and knowing what I know, what am I going to do?”
“You need to talk to him,” Tracey whispers into the room.
I nod my head in understanding. “I know I do. I’m just so scared of everything. What he has to say, what I have to tell him, and how he’s going to react.”
When I sit up I brush the hair out of my face and look at my two best friends. Tears filling both of their eyes. Their sadness almost matching the agony rolling through me.
“I need to go now, before I chicken out. Because if I don’t, I know I won’t.” I grab one of the wadded-up tissues from my nightstand and try to wipe the nonstop tears from my face.
“Let me drive you,” Sam interjects as I rummage for my flip-flops.
“No, please.” I place my hand on one of hers to stop her movements. “I could use the walk to clear my head, and I’d really like to do this alone. I know if you come, I may not let you leave.”
She nods her agreement, but doesn’t look happy about it. Neither does Tracey.
It takes me about ten minutes to walk to Kayson’s house. I’m a trembling mess. Sick to my stomach about what I’m going to learn happened the other night, and sick to my stomach to have to tell him what I learned yesterday. I don’t know how he’s going to react when I don’t even know how I feel. Everything is a complete mess.
Walking up to his door, I try to calm myself down before I knock. When I’m slightly calmer, I knock, waiting on his doorstep. Still shaking, still sick to my stomach, still nervous as hell. I have to knock again before he answers.
“What are you doing here?” His voice is hard, detached.