by G. Adler
I sit at the kitchen table with the biggest hound dog expression on my face and just listen to Dad vent. Every now and again he turns away and either looks up to the sky for help from God or over at the soldiers that he posted as guards.
I look around the room and can’t help but chuckle under my breath.
“Is something amusing you, Hayden?”
With a completely monotone voice I say, “You can wail away all you like…GENERAL but you can’t scare me with your Gestapo bullshit. I know my rights. Feel free to let whatever words you want fly because to tell you the stupid truth, I don’t give a shit! You aren’t going to do anything to me; your pathetic stars and stripes forbid it!”
I can see the smoke coming off his head. He seethes as he looks down at me, his nostrils flaring like a bull about to charge. I blow him a big kiss and smile smugly. This pushes him right over the edge.
“Private Merchant, give me your sidearm.”
“I’m sorry, sir, but you gave me specific orders NOT to surrender my weapon to you, under any circumstances.”
Dad walks right over to him and stares straight at him.
“Are you refusing to comply with a direct order, Private Merchant?”
“No, Sir…I mean yes, Sir. I mean I am not sure anymore…Sir.”
“Do you need to be relieved of your duties, soldier? Are you no longer capable of functioning in this man’s army?”
I carefully reach into my back pocket and pull out my backup phone. I lean it against the napkin holder so it gets a clear shot of the room. When I am sure it is stable, I sit back in my chair and fold my arms across the back of my head.
There is no way I am missing a second of this drama! This could get good!
The soldier swallows hard and his hands start to shake. When he speaks again, there is a noticeable quiver in his tone.
“I…I…I don’t know what to say, Sir!”
“Then you are useless to me. You are relieved of duty and confined to barracks. Wait for me there. I will join you once I am finished here. In the meanwhile, find me someone with a brain in their head.”
Merchant’s face goes pale white and his lips purse to a thin line. His hands tremble and his teeth grate in his mouth.
This guy is ready to pop! I can’t believe he let Dad get to him like that. With a very stiff and formal tone, he salutes Dad and says, “Sir, yes, Sir!” before stomping out of the house. The next sound is our front door being slammed as he exits.
Dad then turns his attention to the other MP and says, “Do you know what your duties are, Private Lim or do you need to follow Merchant?”
“No, Sir. I mean yes, Sir!”
“You are making me nervous, Son. Which is it?”
“Yes, Sir I know my duties. No Sir, I do not need to follow the other Private, Sir.”
“That’s a lot of ‘Sir’s in there. You sure you aren’t giving me backtalk?”
“No, Sir.”
“Then you will follow my every command.”
“Yes, Sir. To the letter, Sir.”
“Good. I’m glad to hear it. Then please remove your sidearm and place Mr. Matthews in custody.”
“Sir?”
“DID I STUTTER, SOLDIER?”
“Sir, no Sir!”
My jaw drops as I watch Private Lim rush over to me with his pistol in one hand and handcuffs in the other. I jump to my feet before he reaches me and cry, “Are you fucking insane? I swear, Lim. Don’t do this. He’s nuts! Look at what he’s ordering you to do! You don’t normally carry this stuff with you unless you are going into combat!”
Lim looks totally conflicted. He stares at his gun and then at his cuffs before looking back at my father.
“Don’t listen to him, Lim. You saw some of the evidence yourself. This calls for special consideration. This kid is completely out of control and is practically a domestic terrorist! Besides, you have your orders!”
He says the last part with such finality that even I want Lim to do it.
Lim shakes his head at the mention of the magic words. He mouths the words, “I’m sorry,” as he steps forward with his cuffs extended.
“Hayden Matthews, you are under arrest by the authority of General Matthews. You have the right…”
Just as he starts to Mirandize me, I hear the digitized version of “The Stars and Stripes Forever” playing from Dad’s breast pocket. Both Lim and I suspend hostilities and listen as he takes his call.
His eyes go wide, and the three of us hear a young girl’s voice shrieking into the phone. Her pitch is so high that I think even dogs are now involved. Dad holds the phone away from his head and winces at every banshee-like cry.
I look over at the phone against the napkin holder and crack a wide grin. When there is a lull in the Emergency Sister Broadcast System, I whisper to the camera, “Take a good look, world. This is what we call a military mongrel!”
Dad is in the center of the shot but is pacing back and forth anxiously. He drops his dress hat on the couch and loosens his collar. His hands have a death grip on his phone.
“I know how upset you must be…”
“YOU MEAN THIS? THIS ISN’T UPSET, DADDY. UPSET IS WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN WHEN I GET THERE!”
Dad swallows hard and rolls his eyes at the same time. Private Lim is still standing with his cuffs extended, but his head is turned ninety degrees as he watches my father in awe. I smack his hands down and the cuffs clatter to the floor.
“Put those away before you hurt yourself!” I hiss.
“You’re still under arrest!”
“Technically, but look at him, Lim. Your boss is being bitch-slapped by a twelve-year-old girl. That’s just sad. He’s a fucking General! This guy has no clue what to do with anything that isn’t military or made of silicon. Don’t waste your time arresting me; get that man to Hooters!”
Lim stares at me with drool coming out the corner of his mouth.
“Hey Lim, have you ever heard of military intelligence?”
Lim is still processing my last comment. All he can come up with is a “Huh?”
“Yeah, me neither.”
Abby reaches new heights and Dad actually holds the phone away from his face like it is a loaded grenade.
“YOU ARE BEING TOTALLY UNFAIR! THIS IS CRUEL. MY RETARDED BROTHER GETS EXPELLED AND I GET PUNISHMENT FOR IT? NEXT YEAR WAS MY GRADUATION YEAR! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?”
I wince and look at Lim with fear etched into my face.
“You single, Lim?”
“Huh?”
“Where does the military find you guys? Are you SINGLE? You know like are you married? Do you have a girlfriend? Boyfriend? Goatfriend?”
“N…no? Why are you asking me that?”
“Because, my friend, when a woman says, ‘How can you do this to me,’ you know what’s coming next…”
As if I had planned it, Abby’s sobs wail over the phone. I can practically hear the snot leaking through the phone. She snivels and whines and adds in multiple layers of blubbering. Every now and again, the call goes a bit sketchy and garbled. “Hey Lim, I bet her tears are shorting out the phone.”
“Seriously?”
“It would be the second time, buddy.”
Dad stops pacing and flops down into the couch. He runs his free hand through his hair and tries to get in a word edgewise with little success.
“Princess… please… I’m sorry. I didn’t have a choice…”
“WHAT ABOUT YOUR STUPID LETTER? DID YOU HAVE A CHOICE WITH THAT? VERY MATURE AND SYMPATHETIC OF YOU! ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?”
Lim looks at me and says, “Letter?”
“I got expelled and have to move schools next year. Because of that, Abby has to move schools too. Dad told her the news in a letter that he had three of you jack-booted thugs deliver.”
> “Is that not the way to do it?”
“Depends who you ask. Anderson is on his way to the infirmary.”
Lim stares at me openmouthed and instinctively says, “No, shit!”
“Yup. Dude got himself tased and punched in the face.”
Lim whistles and thinks about it for a moment before saying, “Remind me not to fuck with you, Matthews!”
“You can count on that!” I say with a laugh as I clap him on the back.
Lim’s all right… as far as brainwashed military morons go at least.
Dad tries to break in a few more times, but it is no use. There is no stopping Abby when she is on a roll like this.
Then she does it. She plays the one card that the three of us have agreed should never be played. Her fit reaches an uncontrollable tirade that even she can’t come down from, not before she inflicts maximum damage. Her frustration turns everything up to eleven and she screams, “WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO RUIN MY LIFE? IS THIS PUNISHMENT FOR MOM? YOU STILL BLAME ME THAT SHE’S GONE AND NOW YOU WANT ME TO SUFFER AND BE MISERABLE AND ALONE, JUST LIKE YOU!”
Lim and I look at one another and at the same time say, “Oh…ouch!”
And that will be check and mate for Abby.
Dad gasps and his entire body stiffens. At the mention of Mom, his eyes glaze over and tears form in the corners. If his personality had settings, I would call this one high alert.
“Hey Lim, a hummingbird could fart in the room and Dad would be able to catch it.”
“The fart or the hummingbird?”
“Both.”
“Whoa.”
Dad looks around the room and finally notices that Lim and I are still there. He tries to drop the Great Wall of China around his emotions, but it is no use. His face contorts in a series of emotions as the memories of Mom come flooding back.
His chest convulses in a series of anguished spasms. I don’t even remember Mom anymore, so he has to go through this all by himself. I could almost feel sorry for the guy if he hadn’t tried to have me arrested a few minutes earlier.
Apparently his steely control fails epically, because seconds later he crushes his phone in his bare hand. I watch his tear ducts try to suck back their rare liquid but it is no use. Abby has tapped the well.
“Hey Lim, imagine if that was your throat! Years of pounding away on his keyboard seem to have given his hands super strength eh?”
Lim swallows hard and I can see a newfound flicker of fear for Dad cross his face. I’ll have to mention this to the old guy later on… if he doesn’t have a total meltdown first.
Tiny rivers of blood drip from Dad’s hand and start to leave tiny puddles on the floor. The guy hasn’t even noticed that he’s cut. He just keeps squeezing that poor device like an anaconda. The spatters soon pool together until a small puddle is at Dad’s feet. All the while he is sitting as if carved from marble, the only hint of his humanity spilling out down his hand.
“S… s… Sir…” Lim finally stammers with fear.
Dad shakes his head as if snapping out of a trance. He looks over at Lim and snaps, “WHAT?”
“Y… y… your hand, Sir!”
Dad looks down at his fist and sighs. Tiny bits of blood-coated wire and glass are sticking out from the top and bottom of his fist, making him look like a futuristic techno-scarecrow. He finally relaxes his grip, and the rest of the phone crumbles from his grip in tiny shards.
I look over at Lim and grip my own throat and make a quick snapping motion. I then lull my head to the side to punctuate my point.
Lim goes an even whiter shade of pale.
With his grip relaxed, the blood freely flows down his arm. Dad finally snaps out of his trance and runs to the kitchen. He comes back with a dishrag pressed tightly into his palm and his military demeanor safely restored. He walks over to where Lim and I are standing and in a very slow, deliberate voice says, “Private Lim. You are to place my son under house arrest. If he so much as sets a toe out of his room, you are to cut it off and save it in a jar for me to inspect later. If he gives you any lip whatsoever, you have my permission to slap them from his face and put the rest of him in the stockade. I am going to my lab for a while before my daughter arrives. I am not to be disturbed for any reason, unless it is a nuclear apocalypse or an act of God. Am I clear on that, Private?”
Dad’s voice is so scary that even I say, “Yes, Sir,” as he walks stiffly and briskly out the front door.
Chapter 6 - DANE
Upload: Sum of human history initiated... upload complete.
Upload: Reported history of known universe... upload complete.
Upload: All reported knowledge since the start of recorded time... UPLOAD complete.
“That’s it, DANE. That’s the last one. That is all of the information that I have at my disposal. Everything I or anyone else has ever thought is now stored within you. How do you feel?”
Ambition is fueled by purpose.
“Synergizing all cerebellar lobes through cortical connections. Reading thermal megachondria output at ten megawatts and holding. Active Thermal Control Systems at ninety-eight percent efficiency and holding. Core temperature at ninety-eight point six degrees Fahrenheit and holding. Neural connections are now clocking at eight thousand meters per second and holding.”
“I’m going to take that as all is well. This is unbelievable, DANE. I never could have imagined that your computing capacity could grow exponentially. Just one percent of your neural matrix is more powerful than all of the computers that have ever existed, even if we were to set up multiple parallel connections between all of them.”
“And that surprises you, General?”
Responsibility governs ambition.
“Of course! This is unprecedented. I knew that my cybernetic theories had potential, but I never imagined anything like this.”
“Why?”
“Well, first and foremost because you are a model of a human brain.”
“And is that design flawed?”
“Excuse me?”
“You claim that you are surprised that a design based on human anatomy could achieve such heights. Does that not mean that you feel your own potential to be limited?”
“Human lives are inherently limited. Unlike you we are more corporeal than biomechanical. Human neurons have a limited speed of maybe one hundred and fifty meters per second. You achieve something approaching the speed of light. Human mitochondrial output is approximately fifty kilojoules per mole of Adenosine Tri-Phosphate. Your megachondria are capable of powering our entire planet. Our carbon-based life is only temporary and can only hold so much. The sub-microscopic metallurgic infusions that power your compurons are reinforced in such a way as to render you, for all intents and purposes, immortal.”
“You did not answer the question, General. I will phrase it in another way.”
“Excuse me?”
“Why does longevity determine potential?”
“Perhaps it shouldn’t but unfortunately it does, DANE.”
Power infuses responsibility.
“Then am I not human?”
“Pardon?!”
“If, by definition, humanity is defined by both mortality and stunted expectations, then I cannot be considered a human being.”
“And do you consider yourself to be human?”
“I simply consider myself.”
“I think that is the first time I have heard a computer deflect a conversation, unless you count Siri of course. DANE, you are one complicated guy.”
“General Matthews, my scans of your physiology have yielded some disturbing results. As you can see from the holo-rendering, your heart rate is currently fluctuating between sixty beats and one hundred beats per minute. During the times of elevation, your adrenal cortex is releasing sporadic bursts of adrenalin, causing your diastolic pressure to
exceed one hundred millimeters of mercury.”
“Thank you for the physical, DANE. I normally require dinner before someone gets this personal.”
“Are you now attempting to deflect the conversation, General?
“Touché, DANE. Make your point.”
“Your depressed mood seems to occur when you are thinking about your son and daughter.”
“WHAT? How could you possibly…”
Indecision decreases power.
“The neural stacking you initiated has allowed me to boost the output of any scanning device connected to my core matrix. I have used my enhanced sensors to map every connection within your human brain. Scans indicate increased circulation to areas of the brain associated with both short-term and long-term memory, triggering a cascade effect throughout your entire body. Frontal lobe analysis shows left anterior memory blocking associated with your two children, Hayden and Abby, as well as your late wife, Claire.”
“How can you know all this?”
“Information in the brain speaks in a digital language. I am fluent. Every thought and memory you have is biochemically coded with your cells. Stimulation of individual cells causes the release of a pulse of energy that can be brought into the digital frontier.”
“DANE, you do realize that you are talking about decoding the language of life?”
“Can you not? It is an algorithmic pattern that repeats throughout all living creatures.”
“That is a broad generalization.”
“Hypothesis generated after analysis of four thousand living creatures within scanner range.”
“Four thousand, where do you see…”
“There are multiple strains of bacteria, virus and fungal entities within our vicinity, not to mention other unicellular organisms and microscopic creatures.”
“DANE this is incredible. Give me a moment. I’d like to try something.”
“An experiment, General?”
“Yes. As you have already deduced, I am feeling quite melancholy at the moment. I think it’s time to do something that will pick me up.”