Epocalypse: Inception.

by G. Adler

  “Can I get out of class with all that?” I manage to say as the waves of pain subside.

  “Diagnosis, Guts?” Ethan asks her.

  “He has endured intense physical trauma. Based on the tenderness to the parietal plate on his skull along with the angle of fracture of his nasal bone, I would have to hypothesize that he went face first into the ground while carrying a heavy load across his shoulders. Given the damage and lack of defensive wounds on his palms, I would say that he had no idea it was coming.”

  A loud thud sounds from the punching bag and Tyrese asks, “Who did this to you?”

  “Wait a second, who said she was right? Maybe I just fell down the stairs?”

  The other three laugh at my statement like I just made the greatest joke of all time. Joo-Eun just looks at me like she has no clue what is going on. Finally, Maya looks at me and says, “Joo-Eun is always right. She started training for this when she was four. Her mother is a top army neurosurgeon and Joo-Eun has been shadowing her at the hospital her entire life. You should see their house! It is filled with row upon row of medical texts, all meticulously alphabetized and cross-referenced in a massive computer database that I designed for Dr. Kim.”

  Ethan shakes his head and sighs.

  “Maya, why do you always make everything about YOU?”

  “Because it should be!”

  Tyrese hits the bag one last time, putting his fist right through the canvas. Tiny grains of sand drain out to form little piles on the floor. He walks right over to me, looks down into my face and says, “I’ll ask you one more time. Who did that to you?”

  I swallow hard and sigh. I am about to lie when I look into his deep, brown eyes. Something within them softens my resolve and before I know it I am blurting out the entire stupid truth.

  “For all intents and purposes… my father. He locked me in the stockade’s solitary confinement cell for three weeks. When I was finally released, we got into a wicked fight, during which he sucker-punched me. While I was incapacitated, he forced me into doing basic training for the past six weeks. But it’s no big deal. Nothing I can’t handle.”

  The anger that was on the big guy’s face melts away and his expression becomes pained and frustrated. “Do you want me to have a chat with him?”

  “With whom?”

  “Your father.”

  I look at Ethan and ask, “Is he serious?”

  Ethan snickers and says, “Let me tell you a little story about our Tank. He already has four athletic scholarships in the works, but he teaches martial arts to kids at the local Y.M.C.A. every Wednesday evening. He even runs an extra practice class on Sunday mornings before church for any student who needs the help.”

  “Why before church?

  “Because his aunt and uncle would skin him alive when he got home if he missed it. They are both pastors. They are nice enough people but are a bit obsessive with the whole Bible thing. We wouldn’t want Tanky-Wanky to burn in a river of fire, would we?”

  Tyrese groans and says, “Enough with the river of fire!”

  Ethan just laughs and says, “But it makes me think of the time I spiked your water bottle with my own brand of absinthe. How cool was it when your body temp made you pee green fire without burning out the ol’ anaconda?”

  Tyrese just glares at him menacingly. Ethan quickly turns to me and continues. “So anyway, he was leaving school one day and saw a girl stumble while crossing the street. Super Dude here accelerates like a jaguar, vaults the fence like a kangaroo, and scoops her up like a…a…Joo-Eun, gimme a creature that scoops…”

  Joo-Eun’s brain processes the question for a moment and says, “A pelican.”

  Maya lolls her tongue repeatedly and makes gagging sounds.

  “Eww, Ethan, don’t use birds. They are so disgusting!”

  “Can I finish here?”

  Maya puts her index finger to her lips and tilts her head to the sky. She considers Ethan’s question and then smirks mischievously.

  “If you must.”

  “Thanks, Maya. So, anyway, Tyrese scoops her up LIKE A PELICAN moments before this mega-fancy sports car slams into her. Some idiot was texting while driving his Porsche. Anyway, after carefully putting the girl down and making sure that she wasn’t injured, Tyrese pulls the guy out of the car through his window and gives him as gentle a choke-slam as possible. Blam! Right down on the hood of his car. Tank shoots him one look and the guy loses all bowel control. Dude pisses himself while the shit was running down the sides of the car and everything. Was classic!”

  “Ew, it was DISGUSTING!” Maya remarks.

  Joo-Eun shakes her head and interjects, “That is an unfair characterization, Maya. Normal body functions shouldn’t be deemed disgusting. Digestion is a natural process and can be likened to...”

  Maya makes a retching sound and turns slightly green. “OKAY, JOO-ENCYLOPEDIA! ENOUGH! I GET IT!”

  I can’t help but smile. These are definitely my kind of people. I turn to Tyrese and say, “Thanks for the offer big guy, but I think I’ll be okay.”

  Tyrese looks me up and down and says, “Based on Joo-Eun’s diagnosis, I disagree. If she says you should take it easy, you should listen. I’m happy to come by your house anytime and give your old man some parenting skills.”

  “I wouldn’t do that, Hayden.” Maya warns.

  “Do what?”

  “Disagree with Joo-Eun. Ignore Joo-Eun. Touch Joo-Eun. Look at Joo-Eun. Think about Joo-Eun. I think that more or less covers it. It tends to make Tyrese very…moody. It’s rather cute actually!”

  The big guy begins to blush and quickly turns his head away. Joo-Eun just blinks a few more times and rushes over to check her samples. Ethan laughs and finishes the story.

  “Oh and I forgot to mention that the girl that Tyrese saved just happened to be Joo-Eun’s little sister, Joo-Young. Dr. Kim was pretty appreciative but Joo-Eun’s grandmother was not happy that the black version of the Hulk saved her granddaughter!”

  I think about that for a moment and smile. “Wouldn’t that make Tyrese the Incredible Bulk?”

  Ethan considers what I said for a second and then laughs himself silly. “Well, based on his race I bet part of him must be!” He then walks over and claps me on the back. “I like your style, Matthews. You’re alright!”

  Gotcha! I fold my arms around my chest and give the all-knowing smirk.

  Ethan studies my face but can’t seem to figure out the change. I look over at the tiny fairy that brought me here and raise an eyebrow.

  “Who are you people? Maya, why have you brought me here? I’m guessing that I’m not the club whore.”

  Ethan smiles immediately. “Nope, Maya has that one locked up tight!”

  “Hey don’t flatter yourself, Hayden! I mean the ringlet curls in your sandy blond hair are dreamy, along with your chiseled features and lean body, but you are just a new kid I saw on the front step that we thought might find this cool.”

  “Bullshit! Ethan called me ‘Matthews.’ You might have known that because you brought me, but Ethan was here the whole time. Combine that with the fact that you never mentioned my last name and we’ve got ourselves a conspiracy. So I’ll ask again…who are you and what am I doing here?”

  Maya immediately marches over to Ethan and starts to bitch slap him all over his chest. Ethan stands there and takes it, checking his watch periodically and even resuming his game.

  “You moron, Bartender! You were supposed to keep that information to yourself. You knew that! I only thought you were ugly. I never dreamed that you were stupid too.”

  “See, Byte, you always underestimate me.”

  “Can you learn to say, ‘D+,’ for your final GPA? I bet Chemistry Daddy would love that!”

  “No he’d try to rant all over me, which would spring Mom into baking mode. By the time he was done, I would ha
ve ignored most of it AND gotten fed in the process.”

  “And never get to go to college?”

  “Meh, whatever. There are other paths to take.”

  “Yeah, paths to nowhere!”

  “Give it a rest, Byte. I’m sorry I fucked up your master plan but I just couldn’t call him by his first name. Hayden sounds like the kind of guy you wake up at four in the afternoon for croquet and then tea at the club.”

  Joo-Eun clears her throat and smiles meekly. “Tea is very healthy! Studies on green tea have found it rich in antioxidants and …”

  “Not now Guts!” Ethan says between gritted teeth.

  “I like tea, Joo-Eun.” Tyrese notes with a smile.

  “Would you like some, Tyrese? I’ll go make it for you…”

  Ethan rolls his eyes.

  “My point is that if I had to call him Hayden, I would have whipped out my ipeglue pills and offered him a drink. We all know how that would have ended!”

  “I don’t!” I point out.

  “Well, I found a way to make ipecac’s barf effects look like string cheese. Ask Tyrese how much fun it is to peel cheeseburgers out of your tummy after one of these babies!”

  “It was four years ago. I haven’t been able to eat one yet,” the big guy pouts.

  I don’t know whether to start issuing orders to get them organized or just enjoy their collective idiocy.

  “Look, you all seem like fun, cool people, but you obviously brought me here for a reason. I say enough with the foreplay. I’m here, clothes are off and condom is on. We gonna do this thing or what?”

  Joo-Eun looks over at me and raises an eyebrow. “Why would he be wearing a prophylactic? Is it treated with nonoxynol-nine? How DID you lure him down here, Maya?”

  “Shut up, Joo-Eun! That’s not nice!” Maya yells and stomps her feet.

  Ethan is behind me in an instant and whispers, “Fun isn’t it?”

  I smile mischievously and involuntarily take a deep breath. Something around me is making me feel totally relaxed.

  “Ethan, are you dosing me with something in the air?”

  “No . . . but now I’m thinking about it. Gimme a minute.” He heads over to the test tubes and begins to tinker.

  Joo-Eun looks over and says, “Oh NO! You agreed…no more aerosolized hallucinogens.”

  “Why not, Guts? I thought that making all of the varsity cheerleaders hallucinate that they were strippers was hilarious.”

  “It was, Bartender…until they thought that the players were the poles!”

  “I once again fail to see the problem here.”

  Joo-Eun stalks away and kicks over a stool while muttering in Korean under her breath.

  “HEY!” I call out, growing bored with the Seinfeld episode.

  All four of them look at me. Maya smiles and blows across her nails. “Right! Hayden Matthews…”

  She walks over to the handle that is sticking out of the wall and rests her hand on it. A series of lights and sounds travel up her fingers and unlock a huge computer vault. The terminal in front of Maya is barely a closet but the perforated metal floor below reveals the armies of computers.

  “Holy shit. You guys did this… together.”

  “Welcome to the gifted class at Mountainview High. Don’t worry about calculus, we all copy off Joo-Eun anyway.”

  I stare in amazement. “What’s this about?”

  Maya flexes her fingers and then lets them loose on the infrared keyboard. The sensor makes mistakes every now and again because Maya is too fast for it. Before long we hit the State Education Database.

  I scoff immediately. “Ha, good luck getting in there! I’ve tried multiple times.”

  Maya’s jaw drops and she says, “I bet you I do it in less than twenty seconds.”

  “No chance!”

  “If I do, you buy me a full day spa gift certificate. That will come in handy around midterms.”

  “Deal. When are you going to start? I have a stopwatch handy.”

  “It’s already done. I hacked in while we made the bet.”

  “What? That’s impossible.”

  Maya shoots me a leveled stare and a wicked smile. “Not for me.”

  All I can do is sigh. “Okay, then tell me the name of your spa and I’ll call to arrange the day and payment.”

  “No need. I got all of your debit card information the moment the system went online. I’ve already charged it through. Thank you, sweetie-pie!” She then stands up, kisses me on the nose, and goes back to her screen.

  My eyes go wide immediately. “No way you could do that so fast!” I comment.

  Maya flutters her eyelashes and blows me a kiss. “No, eh? Come see for yourself. I have your account loaded on the screen over here.”

  I look where she points and gasp. Sure enough a debit of three hundred dollars to the Princess Spa appears at the end of the list of transactions.

  I shake my head and my jaw drops. “How can she do all this?”

  Ethan smiles and says, “Nobody has ever suspected that Maya is the mastermind of our most devious cyber pranks. Behind her completely innocent features lies a straight A, seventeen-year-old, evil, computer genius! I’m serious! Her first language is binary and she can live for months on Skittles alone! If it has to do with a computer, she’s your ‘go to’ girl. Let’s just say that my latest D- in algebra won’t affect my average. Add to that the fact that none of us will ever have to work…ever, makes life rather appealing. I know that I sleep easier knowing that my bank account is continuously resetting itself to my highest balance every day at midnight.”

  I raise an eyebrow while studying each of their faces. “So…Maya takes care of communication, Tyrese is your muscle, you take care of munitions, and Joo-Eun is your medic-mathematician. Who does all your planning?”

  Ethan’s face lights up. “YEAH, BABY! Lay it on me, Maya!”

  Maya sighs and rolls her eyes. She then walks over to Ethan and makes out with him for ten seconds. Afterwards she wipes her lips with sanitizer while Ethan gloats.

  “Hell yes! That’s what victory tastes like! I knew you’d ask the big question.”

  Maya continues to wipe her mouth while trying to speak. “That’s right, Bartender. Brag about it why don’t you?”

  “DAMN RIGHT! So would you Ms. Sour Grapes!”

  Tyrese frowns and shakes his head.

  “You know, Ethan. Martial arts teaches us to be humble in the face of victory.”

  “Tank, that’s why I blow shit up or make it dissolve away. There is no morality in solubility. Hey, that was deep. I should write that one down.”

  Maya glares at him and sighs. She then looks at me with a very business-like expression on her face.

  “Duts is our problem. That guy has been riding the four of us hard ever since we got here. He used to rip into us at every turn, saying that we only got in because our parents are military poopy heads that used their pull to get us into a special program. I like the stars they wear but the stripes are so….blechy!”

  “All of you are military brats?” I ask in surprise.

  Maya nods.

  “Yup. My mom is a cryptographer for the CIA. Tyrese’s dad is some mega-super black ops scary soldier who travels to other planets and shoots mean things out of his eyes. Ethan’s dad is as annoying as Ethan and works as a military biochemist. Joo-Eun’s mom does rounds at all of the veteran hospitals. We figured that your dad must have rank as well.”

  I chuckle irritatedly.

  “Yeah well he rankles my nerves and he smells rank but that’s about it!”

  Maya raises an eyebrow knowingly. “So what are you saying, Hayden, that he isn’t military?”

  I have no idea what to say so I lie. “He’s an analyst of some kind with some killer connections on high. I just call him anal and leave
it at that. We don’t communicate much unless by knuckle Morse code.”

  Tyrese grits his teeth while Joo-Eun becomes a bit more fidgety. Ethan throws something against the far wall that explodes on impact but doesn’t leave a trace.

  Maya laughs and continues, “Anyway, Duts doesn’t think we belong here and has no problem reminding us of that fact all the time. He even goes so far as to compare us to other students when he wants to put us down. He’ll tell them to salute and stuff too. Really makes my manicure melt!”

  I nod appreciatively.

  “’I’ll bet.”

  She winks at me and reaches her hands towards the screen. The images immediately flow into a rainbow of colors until they map onto a giant, glowing pink sphere that is now spinning in front of her.

  “I have to turn away, this part always makes me nauseous,” Ethan exclaims and plugs his ear buds into the appropriate orifices.

  Maya smiles and draws our attention to her screen.

  “Guys, meet Hayden Matthews. He currently holds the state record for the most number of pranks ever pulled without getting caught. His father is …hmmm, interesting . . .”

  She shoots me a leveled, knowing stare. The others look at her with puzzled expressions. I shrug my shoulders and open my eyes wide in reply. Maya ignores them and continues. “Anyway…he has a younger sister who is the same age as Joo-Young. She was recently transferred to one of our feeding schools.” Maya taps on the sphere and a sliver of it slides out, like cutting a piece of pie. Maya rearranges some of the data here and there and I watch the piece spin and rotate in multiple axes. It finally slides back into place and Maya says, “That’s better.”

  “What did you just do?”

  “Your sister was in the wrong class. I just changed her attendance to a different homeroom. The change will take effect in…” She opens her purse and pulls out her phone. She pushes a button on the side and her home screen shows the cat wall clock from the seventies, the one where the eyes slowly move back and forth. “Eight minutes. She’ll be called down to the office and given a new timetable.”

  “Who cares what class she was in?”

  “She and Joo-Young should have the chance to be besties! Let’s see what happens when they spend all day in the same room.”