by G. Adler
“It must be due to the special speaker,” I say with a smirk.
The gang starts to grumble as a single spotlight illuminates the podium in front of the school. Duts carefully climbs the four steps leading up to the stage and trips on the top one, making him stumble forward. The crowd giggles and he waves nervously with a smile. He approaches the microphone and jokes, “Well, I’m glad that everyone is warmed up at my expense. This is quite the crowd. This is the best turnout for curriculum night in the entire history of Mountainview High!”
There is applause from the audience, but Duts looks more anxious than pleased. He continuously wipes his forehead with the blue cloth that he keeps in his pocket. The thing is already streaked dark with sweat. I look over at the gang and they smile as they notice it too.
Duts clears his throat and continues. “We are very lucky to have a special guest here this evening to discuss the future of technology and the benefits of a quality education. He is a highly decorated general in the United States Marine Corp and one of the world’s top cybernetic researchers. He also happens to be a former classmate of mine. Let me tell you how surprised I was when I learned that he would be speaking here this evening. Without further ado, I present to you General Jack Matthews!”
The entire auditorium thunders and cheers as Dad walks out from behind the curtain. The gang all look at me with their arms folded. Joo-Eun slumps back even further and seems to be processing something in that massive brain of hers. Maya’s eyes go wide with shock and she starts shaking a finger in my face.
“I can’t believe you got your father to speak at a high school. Dr. Jack Matthews is usually reserved for multi-billion dollar corporations and the top military brass!”
“What’s the big deal? To me he is just Dr. Dickhead!”
Maya shakes her head incredulously.
“Ghost… He is what EVERY computer programmer and hacker dreams of becoming. He literally wrote the book about parallel computing and how it relates to artificial intelligence!”
“Trust me when I say that all of his intelligence is artificial!”
Joo-Eun looks at me and says, “My mother speaks about your father all the time. She does some side work with the military hospitals in the area. I’ve heard her say that your Dad is the only man whom she would let operate on her. He is a legend in his field, Ghost!”
“And in his own mind! He is a pompous, conceited, egotistical jerk!”
Ethan smiles and touches my shoulder.
“And we once again see the power of genetics.”
“Shut up, Bartender.”
“Sorry Ghost, but I’ve even heard my father talk about Dr. Matthews. A few of his men were part of a Black Ops mission that went bad. One of them was shot in the head. Apparently your Dad was flown in and performed surgery using a robot. He saved the guy, Ghost!”
“Wonderful. I feel so warm and fuzzy inside knowing that he is off saving everyone else’s life just so that he can come home and make mine miserable!”
The others just look at me like I am a twelve-year-old.
“Need I remind you four that we are about to pull off the biggest prank that the Board of Education has ever seen? You four might want to run up on stage and suck up to the blowhard before this place goes completely ape shit!”
The four of them look like I just slapped them across the face.
Joo-Eun steps forward and says, “Maybe we were a bit hasty when we…”
“You can stop right there, Guts. This entire thing is already good to go. The moment the lights went out, we were committed.” I remind her.
I sulk back against the wall while I watch everyone else zone in on Dad’s speech. With every syllable he utters, my teeth clench together tighter and tighter. I quietly murmur under my breath. “Hope you enjoy this, Old Man.”
Tyrese glances over at me. “What was that?”
“Nothing, Tank. Nothing at all.”
I stare down at my hands and flex them in and out. I feel four different taps at four different moments during the speech but I ignore them. My head perks up when I finally hear the tone in Dad’s voice that says that yet another stupid, pointless lecture is coming to an end.
“…In summary, a quality education is a gift that keeps on giving. It will sustain your lifestyle, your mental health, and raise the bar for creative thinkers around the world. The United States should be at the forefront of the wave that finally washes away some of our planet’s most disturbing issues.”
There is a rousing round of applause from the standing room only mob that is jammed into this non air-conditioned hellhole. I keep my back to the stage and grin from ear to ear.
“You asked him to do this speech just so you could snub him, didn’t you?” Ethan whispers in my ear.
“Well…not only…”
He smiles back and says, “I like the cut of your jib, sailor!”
As the applause dies down, Dad leans forward and says, “One thing I hope is that some of you might consider completing your education through the Armed Forces. I can assure you that it is an experience like no other. I have put together a three-minute video clip that outlines the benefits of joining the military. On behalf of Mr. Duts and the staff at Mountainview, I would like to thank all of you for inviting me and for coming here this evening.”
The applause starts again as the video clip begins. A SU-27 flies through the sky, dragging behind it a series of colors that ultimately morph into the American flag. There are multiple “oh”s and “ah”s from the slacked-jawed crowd, but Dad’s expression is what I enjoy more.
He looks up at the screen with a puzzled look on his face and studies the video. He then stares off into space as a look of dawning terror slowly creeps over it.
“YES!” I whisper loud enough for the gang to hear.
The stars and stripes slowly fade into the background and we are left looking at an appointment room. Lying stretched out on a chaise-type lounger is no other than Duts himself, while his therapist is sitting in a big leather club chair. The latter is also holding a notepad, pen, and has a timer sitting on the arm of the chair.
“Now, Emery, you need to stop suppressing your anger towards this General Matthews. Your family doctor feels that your high blood pressure, ulcers and even your intermittent constipation are a direct result of your unresolved issues towards him.”
The entire auditorium bursts into hysterical laughter. I turn my head to one of the cameras that I placed on the back wall and say, “See world. This is what I live for! Look at all of the outspoken, moralistic morons laughing their asses off at someone else’s misery. They scream at us and call us ‘bullies’ but they are no better!”
Duts looks like someone shot him in the heart. He staggers back against the stage, frozen to the spot while clutching at his chest. It is a classic Scarface-esque sort of moment.
The video continues.
“I don’t think I can handle his kid, Doctor! Every time I see his smarmy little smile or his cocky walk, I want to pull my hair out! I’ve actually noticed a more pronounced bald spot and I’ve gained twenty pounds since the first day of school trying to bury my pain in any and all junk food!”
Duts grabs at his enormous belly and tries to pull it in. His hands disappear entirely into the bulbous mass. The already laughing auditorium redoubles in intensity. His voice echoes through the space as he screams in terror along with the footage.
“Hayden is just as bad as his father, General Jack Superman Matthews, the King of America and computer and mathematical wonder child. Don’t you get it? Jack makes Einstein look like a complete retard! Do you realize how different our lives really are? I’m a principal at some crap hole of a public school and he’s a top researcher for the Department of Defense. Jack was the valedictorian, science and math scholarship winner, and prom king at our high school. I was a wallflower, head of the ‘Save the Hai
ry Nosed Wombat Club,’ and was voted most likely to be prom janitor. For crying out loud I’m STILL a virgin!” he rages.
Duts crumbles into a corner of the room and starts to weep uncontrollably. Dad runs down from the stage and seems to be looking for something…the wiring for the projector perhaps?
The therapist finally loses it and starts to laugh, as does EVERYONE in the auditorium. Dad goes back up to the microphone and screams, “NO, NO, NO! THAT’S NOT FUNNY! This is a grown man that you are belittling!”
That’s when a loud fart echoes through the space.
“Oh my, excuse me. I get gassy when I am upset!” Duts accidentally says aloud.
I clutch at my stomach as I laugh and turn to the gang. “Hey guys, if that’s the case then this next scene should be explosive diarrhea!”
Duts is laying on the floor half naked, his shirt around him in tattered pieces. He is curled up in the fetal position, while the therapist is gently rubbing his back. To make matters worse, he is also sucking his thumb. In his other fist is the newspaper article they published about Dad back in October of last year.
The only thing louder than the uproarious laughter coming from the crowd is the thud that Duts makes when he hits the floor. Dad and a few others rush over and try to help him up but fail in the attempt.
“Someone bring a forklift!” I yell over the chaos. I get a few cheers off that one.
The lights in the auditorium turn on and everyone gasps with a collective sigh of pain, like when lights go on after a long blackout. The room falls completely silent as the entire community waits for something to break the tension.
That’s when a ten-second tuba fart echoes throughout the room. The acoustics of the space amplify the sound perfectly for all to hear.
“Guess they woke him up.” Ethan notes.
“That’s a pretty good bet, Bartender.”
Duts staggers to his feet and bolts from the room, boosted by the constant stream of gas eking from his butt. A few of the faculty run after him, but most just laugh along with the parents and students.
Ethan rubs at his eyes and says, “Ugh, that hurts as much as walking out of the strip joint at six in the morning after an evening of full throttle.”
I stop and think about that for a moment. “Bartender, promise me you will show me that one day.”
“Ghost, after this stunt, we can go tonight. This, my friend, will go down in history as number one. This has forever set the bar for pranks to come.”
“Thanks, Bartender but this was a group effort for sure. There is no way that I would have pulled this off without the four of you.”
Maya looks over at me and jumps into the air in the ultimate leap of faith. I catch her as she wraps her tiny body around me. “You’re welcome, Hayden. May I ask a favor, pretty please oh please?”
“How can I resist such a cute request?”
“Obviously you can’t! Anyway, may I upload my video of events to your website first? I promise that you won’t be disappointed!”
“Byte, when it comes to you and tech, I never am! My server is at your disposal.”
“You’d be amazed how often she actually hears that!” Ethan grumbles.
“Shut up, Ethan. Okay, here I go.”
Maya taps a few keys on her phone and I watch the massive file transfer over. As usual, my phone pings and lets me know that a new upload is waiting my approval. When I look at the name of the contributor, I gasp. “YOU’RE Pinky-Pie? What kind of internet handle is that?”
“Yes I am. And I will thank you very much to not insult MLP!”
“What the hell is MLP?”
“DON’T FUCK WITH MY LITTLE PONY, GHOST!”
I look over at Ethan, who draws his finger across his neck while shaking his head.
I take a deep breath and say, “Thank you, Pinky Byte, but why didn’t you tell me when we met that you were one of my site’s biggest contributors?”
“Same reason why you didn’t tell us that your Dad was the guest speaker and why you kept the video a secret.”
“Fair enough. I can assume that we are done with all that?”
The four of them look at one another and freeze. Joo-Eun starts her blinking thing again while staring up to the ceiling. Tyrese starts flexing and unflexing his biceps with a furrowed brow. Ethan absentmindedly thumbs the wire from his earbuds and closes his eyes. Maya stares down at her nail polish and tries to use the shine as a mirror to check her hair.
“Seriously guys?”
They all smile from ear to ear and rush over to me. The five of us huddle together, arm in arm and just laugh. It roils from my stomach and comes out of my mouth before I even know what I’m doing. It must be contagious because moments later, we’re all doing it. I feel my knees start to give way but the arms on either side of me keep me on my feet. I smile as I realize that I’m doing the same for them.
I finally break the silence with a wide grin and I say, “So what now? We’re going to be celebrities around here. You guys know that right?”
That’s when we hear a new voice coming from behind us.
“I’m glad you think so. It will make it much easier to make examples out of you after this!” We break the huddle and turn around. My father is standing there, flanked by six military police and a couple of civilians. Two of the MPs already have their weapons drawn while the others are standing back. Dad’s uniform is in complete disarray as is his hair. His hands are clenched into tight fists and that vein on his forehead is doing the throbbing thing again.
“Maya, how the hell did he gather so many soldiers so quickly?” I whisper.
“He didn’t you moron, you’re looking at our parents!”
“Right, right. We’ve dealt with that already.” I remember.
I study Dad’s little entourage a bit more closely and I swallow hard. I better try to smooth this over and fast. I let this summer’s training flood back into my brain and I begin.
I approach the first parent and look WAY up as his shadow completely eclipses me. I swallow hard and make sure that I adopt the most non-threatening manner I can. I glance quickly at his shoulder boards and determine his rank. Then, in my best military manner, I stand at attention and say, “Corporal Jordan it is a pleasure to meet you, Sir.”
I then move down the line and see nothing but the top of a lady’s head. I look way down to find a scowling Asian lady who does not look amused. “Major Kim, it is an honor.”
Next is a short, balding man who is doing his best to not let his grin show through. His wife, a sweet-looking lady without a uniform, pokes him periodically with her finger. “Captain and Mrs. Parker, it is a pleasure. Ethan has told me so much about you.”
“I sincerely hope not!” the man whispers, earning him another jab from his wife.
The last woman looks like a nouveau witch. She has sandy blond hair that is sticking up at odd angles along with the thickest glasses I have ever seen. Her clothes look like they are designed for comfort and function rather than fashion, right down to the pocket protector with calculator and bits of wire. “Major Paige. It is an honor, Ma’am.” She squints down at me and doesn’t move a muscle. In fact, other than Ethan’s dad, none of the adults have moved an inch. Finally, it is the esteemed General who speaks.
“Nice try Hayden, but none of that is going to smooth this over. Did you think you were the only one with a computer and the ability to use it for research? The moment you were transferred to Mountainview, I did some poking around as to the other kids in your class. You have a nasty track record of corrupting anyone around you. In this case, it was already moot. My military colleagues and I have been in touch with one another for some time now. We are all well aware of what is going on here.”
My confident expression crumbles and I hang my head along with my friends. Under my breath I whisper, “We are so dead!”
The others slowly nod in agreement.
That’s when “Stars and Stripes” starts playing from Dad’s pocket. He grabs his phone and grimaces. He motions to the other parents and they all powwow while the two MPs keep us rooted to the spot. They whisper in hushed voices but every now and again words like “unacceptable,” “irresponsible,” “demon children,” and others waft up through the center.
Moments later they turn back to us and my Dad says, “All of the parents are in total agreement as to how we are going to handle this. As the ranking officer of a military base, my installation is best equipped to handle the likes of you.”
“They’re going to put things in my ass, aren’t they?” Ethan whispers.
“Only if you ask them to, Bartender.” I reply dryly.
Dad ignores us and continues. “Unfortunately, I have to leave for Washington and won’t be able to deal with the five of you until I get back.”
A tiny smirk creeps over my face no matter how hard I try to hide it.
“Wipe that grin from your face, Hayden. I’m not going to get lost in my work and forget about it this time!” He then turns to the two MPs and says, “Officers?”
They salute immediately and say, “Yes, Sir!” in unison.
“You are to place these five teens under military arrest. Bring them back to base and lock them in solitary confinement in the bowels of the stockade. That should keep them out of trouble until I return.”
“Ghost….” Joo-Eun whispers anxiously.
“Just relax,” I say as convincingly as I can.
The two MPs look at one another, gulp, and say, “Yes, Sir!” One of them removes five sets of silver cuffs from his pack and comes right over to me. He looks me in the eye and says, “By order of General Matthews, I am placing you under military arrest!” He then comes up behind me and holds my thumbs together while clicking on my metallic bracelets. I can already hear the metal-to-metal sound as the other officer does the same to my friends.
I stare down my father and between gritted teeth say, “This isn’t over, Old Man!”