by M. S. Parker
I smiled at her, and her eyes widened a bit. I felt bad about that. I'd been trying to keep to myself, so even in the short time I'd been here, I'd developed a reputation for not being the friendliest person. I was pretty sure Titus had done all he could to help me along with that.
“What’s your name?” I asked as I straightened. I winced as the movement pulled the still tender skin on my leg.
She wasn’t as tall as most of the other women, but I had a feeling it was more due to her age than anything else. She had that lanky look that I had before I hit my last growth spurt.
“Dye,” the girl answered.
“I’m Honor,” I said, holding out my hand.
She looked at it briefly before taking it, her hold firm as she nodded.
“So, Dye, why do you think I’m different?”
She shrugged, but her eyes never left mine. “You’re no colonist,” she said. “You ain’t from these parts, but you don't sound like no foreigner I ever heard.”
I stuck with the story I told Gracen. “I ran away from home, and Master Gracen was good enough to hire me.”
Dye shook her head. “You ain’t run away from nothin’,” she said firmly. “You been brought here.”
I frowned, not understanding. “What do you mean?”
“I know runaways,” Dye said, “and you ain’t one. I reckon you don’t run away easy.”
I was about to reply when Titus walked into the kitchen and started barking orders. Dye instantly acted like she'd been busy helping me with the buckets as we trudged to a corner of the kitchen and got to work. I saw her eyeing Titus from where we stood, and when her gaze fell back to me, her expression told me that she wasn't done talking.
I wasn't sure yet if that was a good or bad thing.
The party was beyond extravagant.
Never in my life had I ever seen so many people in such close quarters, flaunting their riches as if competing against one another. The level of sheer narcissism and pretentiousness almost made me gag. The worst part was that I knew people in my own time weren't any different. Even those who protested the war saw nothing wrong with lavish parties and excessive spending habits.
The bulk of guests were gathered in the main dining room, the biggest space in the entire house. I spent most of the morning being taught how to properly set the table. Now, I stood to one side, waiting for a gesture from one guest or the other before rushing to get what was needed, fighting the urge to spit in the wine as I wore my best fake smile and acted as if the condescending tones and barks thrown at me were normal.
Part of me wondered how many of these people would remain in America after the war ended, if their descendants lied about loyalties the way I knew some people did regarding slavery and civil rights. Had I been fighting to protect the descendants of these arrogant, prejudiced people? Fortunately, I was kept too busy to dwell on those thoughts for too long.
The entire staff was working tonight, the overwhelming number of guests kept us all on our toes, and from the corner of my eye, I caught sight of Dye, the expression on her face telling me that I wasn't the only one needing to practice self-control.
I had to admit though, being in the midst of the upper class during this time period had certainly opened my eyes as to why these people were Loyalists. Everything about the revolution endangered their way of life. While people would always complain about the chasm between the rich and the poor, as well as the problems with immigration, the distinctions of class had gotten blurred in most places.
Despite my desire to announce to the entire room that they were the ones fighting a losing battle, I kept a low profile, making sure I met every snide comment or lecherous glance with a polite smile and nod of my head. My temper simmered just below the surface, threatening to explode with every new insult. At one point during the festivities, I tried to retreat to the kitchen where I wouldn't have to deal with people, but Titus seemed to sense my discomfort and pushed me back out into the melee.
Since I appeared to have no other choice but to smile and bear it, I instead focused on the details. The clothing, the food, the speech patterns. Ennis would've killed for only a few minutes of what I was experiencing. If – when, not if – I got home, I didn't know if I'd be able to share what happened with anyone, but if I did, Ennis would be it, and he'd want to know everything.
“Ladies and gentlemen, if I may have your attention!”
The chatter quickly died as we all turned toward Roston. He, like almost all of the other men in the room, had donned a wig for the occasion, and it only added to his pretentious manner. I didn't know the proper names for everything he was wearing, but it all looked stiff and heavy, the quality of the material obvious even from where I was standing. For one surreal moment, I felt like I'd fallen into some historical painting or textbook picture.
Then Roston began his speech, and I snapped back to the reality of my present situation.
“There comes a time in every man’s life when the happiness of his son is of utmost importance.” His voice seemed to echo in the silence, his words reverberating through the room. “That time has come for me, as I stand proudly amongst you all to celebrate my son’s engagement to the beautiful Miss Clara Stiles.”
A double set of doors to Roston’s left opened, and I felt the breath catch in my chest as I saw Gracen for the first time tonight. He was dressed as finely as his father, but the younger Lightwood wore it better. Each cut and line, from his coat to his breeches, told me that the clothes had been specially made for him. He must've been as sweltering as the rest of the people crammed into the room, but his face betrayed nothing. And I could see all of it. He wasn't wearing a wig, but he'd pulled his hair back in the current fashion, somehow managing to tame his wild curls.
He only held my attention for a few seconds, however, as my gaze turned to his fiancée. She was gorgeous, her dress perfectly complimenting her curves even as it dazzled the room. Her sandy-colored hair was piled up on top of her head in a way that made me wonder how long it had taken to get it to stay. Her sapphire eyes moved across the room, clearly taking stock of all in attendance. Her features were fine and delicate, the epitome of feminine.
The minute the couple stepped through the doors, the entire room burst into applause. I forced myself to join in despite the ache I felt. No matter how much I told myself that I should be happy for Gracen, that this had technically already happened, I couldn't stop my chest from tightening, couldn't stop the way my stomach churned.
As I watched the couple stride into the room, my breath began to come in short gasps. The corset I'd been forced into made each inhalation painful and I looked around for an escape. The noise around me became overwhelming, the scent of so many bodies overpowering. I could barely think.
Then, suddenly, I felt a hand on my arm. Dye had already begun to pull me away before I even registered that it was her. I concentrated on staying on my feet, trusting her to take me somewhere safe. As she led my escape, I could hear Roston’s voice booming behind me as he started up again. Something about duty and honor that made me want to laugh. I could respect Loyalists who managed to love their home country while still respecting others. I didn't have to know much about him to know that men like him were patriotic because it suited their lifestyle.
I'd seen plenty of his type in my own time.
We came to an abrupt halt as Titus stepped in front of us.
“Where are you going?” He glared at me. “You aren't finished.”
“She is for tonight,” Dye snapped back.
“Mind your tongue, girl.”
To my surprise, she stepped around him, pulling me with her.
“Mind yourself, old man,” she said over her shoulder. “This girl is going to be sick from all that noise.”
I could barely hear the reply over the second round of applause that echoed from the dining room, and I swallowed hard as I hurriedly followed Dye into the kitchen and out into the cool night air. She didn't ask what happened, or what had tr
iggered my illness, but I had no doubt those sharp eyes of hers had caught some of it. Hell, she probably understood it better than I did.
I couldn't be falling for Gracen. Aside from the fact that he was engaged and from a Loyalist family, saying that we were from different worlds was an understatement. In my time, Gracen had been dead for more than two centuries, and it was that time I needed to get back to.
I just didn't know how I could go about doing that.
My feelings for Gracen weren't real. They couldn't be. I barely knew him and I'd never been one who believed in the whole fairy tale thing. I could admit that I was physically attracted to him. He was a good looking man, but that didn't mean anything. I appreciated his good qualities, but that didn't necessarily mean that I felt anything for him aside from admiration and a bit of lust.
I certainly shouldn't feel anything remotely close to jealousy.
Dye took me into my room without asking questions, then gave me a hard look before vanishing back into the hall. The shadows swallowed her up, and I was alone with my thoughts.
Unsurprisingly, I didn’t sleep that night.
The last few days had taken their toll on me both mentally and physically, so it wasn't that I wasn't tired. I couldn’t feel my feet, and the small of my back ached. My muscles protested the slightest movement, promising me a new round of pain when I had to get up in the morning. I'd always prided myself on being in excellent physical shape, but I was using a whole different set of muscles here.
I tossed and turned, keeping my eyes shut as I tried to force myself to sleep. I attempted to count sheep, to count backwards, to make a list of mundane things that needed to be done, but none of those things were able to overcome the images and thoughts that kept popping up. I couldn’t stop my brain from working overdrive.
My mind kept returning to the image of Gracen walking into the dining room with Clara on his arm, the smile on his face like a slap in the face. I remembered the tightness in my chest at seeing them together, the pang of inexplicable jealousy that rushed through me. The guilt and shame that had followed when I'd remembered my own fiancé. Oddly enough, neither of those emotions were focused toward Bruce, but rather toward my own reaction, as if reminding me that I couldn't be upset with Gracen for his engagement since I had a fiancé of my own.
I shook my head in frustration. What the hell was I thinking? How could I feel this way towards a man I hardly knew, a person I had met only a week before? I couldn’t wrap my head around it. I knew Wilkins would tell me that it was some love at first sight kind of thing. Destiny or soulmates or some other garbage. I'd given up on all of those things being real long ago. What I had with Bruce might not have been exciting or perfect, but it was real.
I sat up and ran a hand through my hair, shaking it out as I tried to clear my head. The only light in the room was moonlight from a small window, and I walked over to it, threw it open and closed my eyes against the sweet rush of air against my face.
I had to get out of here. It was no longer a matter of making plans or waiting longer for my leg to be completely healed. My survival might not be at stake, but my sanity definitely was.
I sighed heavily as I paced the small quarters, my bare feet cold against the hardwood floor as I hugged myself. I should get dressed and leave right now, no looking back, no second thoughts.
Except I wasn't even having second thoughts. These were first thoughts. Ones that said I didn't really want to leave. That I should stay.
It was ridiculous, of course. This wasn’t my time, my life. There was nothing for me here except a job I didn't want, a war that I knew wouldn't end as quickly as Roston and his friends wanted it to. And a man who I couldn't have, no matter what my heart was beginning to say.
I reminded myself that I had a perfectly wonderful life back home. I had a family I loved, a fiancé I may or may not decide to keep and a future in medicine. A future that I'd worked hard to attain. For all I knew, whatever part of the universe that had brought me here in the first place would decide to fix its mistake and take me home tomorrow.
This time, this place, none of it was mine. Whatever happened to Roston, to Dye, to Gracen and Clara, it'd all been finished long before I was born. Their story was already written, and I had no place in it.
Fifteen
By the time dawn arrived, I was no closer to sleep and felt even worse than before. I couldn't stop thinking about Gracen and Clara, how perfect they'd looked together, how I was sure that if history played out the way it had originally the two of them would be married. And with that came the knowledge that to preserve history, I couldn't interfere, no matter how much I wanted to. Besides, I had my own time – and my own fiancé – I needed to get back to.
It was time to leave.
I knew that I had at least another hour before the household woke up and started their morning rituals, so if I slipped out now, I could be a decent distance away by the time anyone noticed I was gone. I looked about the room, gathering a few things in my pillowcase as I pushed the guilt aside. The Lightwood family was wealthy enough that they wouldn't miss any of this. I needed to move quickly so as not to lose my head start.
Or my nerve.
I opened my bedroom door and peeked out, checking the landing for any sign of servants waking up early. When I was sure I was in the clear, I stepped out, taking care to keep my steps as soft as possible as I made my way downstairs.
As I descended the staircase, my mind tried to reason with me, tried to get me to go back upstairs and forget this whole thing. After all, I had no idea where I was going. This entire endeavor seemed as foolish as it was unplanned.
What was I going to do? Head back to the place where Gracen found me? Even if I could find it, I had no doubt that I'd run the risk of being caught by either army. While I was now dressed as a woman, the officer who'd interrogated me before might remember who I was. They might have old-fashioned notions about women, but that didn't mean they wouldn't hang me for killing their soldiers. If nothing else, it would've solidified the captain's suspicions that I was a spy.
I shook my head as I continued down the stairs. I’d worry about that once I was on the road. The one thing I knew for certain was that I couldn’t stay here. It would hurt too much, and I'd be far too tempted to try to change history.
I reached the ground floor and waited, listening for any unusual sounds. When I was satisfied that I was still the only one awake, I made my way down the small hallway to the kitchen. I moved quickly, keeping my eyes on my feet to avoid any missteps. I was pretty sure that women were required to dress like this so that running away would be more difficult.
As I made my way toward the back door, Dye's face suddenly came to mind. I hadn't made any friends here, but if I stayed, she could become one. Part of me wondered if I should have waited another day so I could tell her I was leaving, maybe even offer her a bit of insight into the future so she could protect herself. As noble as that sounded, I knew it was one more excuse to try to convince myself to stay.
I opened the back door and stopped cold when I saw Gracen standing in front of me. His eyes, which had looked half-asleep, widened in surprise, and I swore under my breath. In part, I was cursing my luck, but another part of me was cursing myself. While I, logically, didn't want to see Gracen, my heart went off in a series of skips that made my face flush and my stomach twist.
“Honor.” His voice was hoarse. He cleared his throat as his eyes fell to the pillowcase I clutched, and he frowned. “Where are you going?”
I opened my mouth, but nothing came out. I stuttered something incomprehensible as I quickly tried to find an explanation that would both make sense and still hide my true plan.
Unfortunately, he came to the right conclusion before I could manage to speak again. “Are you leaving?”
Scowling, he reached for my sack, and I pulled it back. Technically, the things in it were his, but I needed at least some supplies, even if the only food I now possessed were a couple day-old rolls
I'd grabbed on my way through the kitchen.
“It’s complicated,” I said finally. I could've told him that it was time for me to finish my journey to Canada, but I knew that he'd ask why I was sneaking out. I couldn't give him a reason for that.
Gracen’s frown deepened. “Complicated? You're sneaking out while everyone is still asleep.”
“I never meant to stay here for long,” I reminded him. “It was just supposed to be until my leg healed.”
“I know, but I expected at least the common courtesy of a goodbye. You’re sneaking out like a common thief.” His eyes darted to my bag again. “Is that the truth? Have you decided to rob my family after all we've done for you?”
I struggled to keep my temper. “I'm not a thief. I've worked for my room and board. All I have in here is some clothes and some bread.” I held out the pillowcase. “Take it.”
He shook his head, color staining his cheeks. “That's not necessary. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have accused you.” His eyes met mine, and a thrill ran down my spine. “It's not safe for you out there alone.”
His voice was soft, the concern on his face clear. I almost closed my eyes. I didn't want to see that he cared about my well-being because it would be easier to walk away if I could think that I was only a responsibility to him, nothing more. If I knew that he felt anything at all for me as a person, I wasn't sure I could leave.
Even now, I could feel it, the pull toward him, the inexplicable draw that I'd spent the last few days trying to ignore. I didn't understand it, and I was sure that I didn't like it. I knew that I wasn't supposed to like it. Not with Bruce's ring tucked safely away in my luggage somewhere in the future. I always took it off when I was overseas, not wanting to risk it being lost. Now, I wished I'd worn it onto the plane, if for no other reason than as a reminder of who held my heart.
Or, at least, who was supposed to.
I couldn't deny that I wasn't sure anymore.
All the more reason for me to get away before things got even more complicated.