by Linda Warren
A catch in his throat kept him from responding.
“Little by little my memory started to come back, but my muscles had atrophied and I couldn’t even feed myself. I was totally helpless.”
“If you knew your name, why didn’t someone call me then?”
“My memory didn’t come back all at once. Bits and pieces came to me and it was five years before I could put all those pieces together. In the meantime they had to concentrate on my legs because they didn’t operate on them at the time of the accident. They were more concerned about my chest and my head and they didn’t think I would make it anyway. Nor did they think I could live through the surgery. Anyway, I had several operations on my legs. It was a long road to recovery. Miss Hattie hired therapists and they worked diligently with me to teach me to use my muscles and legs again. And David repaired my face.”
“David?” By the tone of her voice he knew this man was special to her.
“He’s Miss Hattie’s son and a plastic surgeon. It took numerous skin grafts but he did an amazing job. He even repaired my ear.”
Falcon looked closely at her face and saw the beautiful woman she’d always been. There was no way to tell she’d been through such a horrific tragedy. There were so many questions in his head that he didn’t even know where to start. The anger that he carried through the years wasn’t there anymore. All he felt was empathy for what she’d been through.
“When did you realize you had a husband and a child in Horseshoe?”
She glanced down at her hands in her lap. “It was probably about six years before I had the full picture.”
“And yet, you didn’t call home or ask anyone else to. You let us believe the worst.”
She kept staring down at her hands. “I know it’s hard to understand. But I woke up a completely different person from the shy, timid Leah that you knew. I always had this feeling that no one loved me until you filled that empty place in me. But then I met Miss Hattie and David and they loved me unconditionally. After two and a half years in the facility, Miss Hattie took me home to her house and hired a nurse and a therapist for me. I was on a walker and I couldn’t believe that she cared that much about me. We became the best of friends.”
“You had a family in Horseshoe who loved you.”
“I know,” she murmured, still looking at her hands. “After my memory came back, a day didn’t go by that I didn’t think of you and Eden, but I had so many health problems and I didn’t want to be a burden to you. I kept thinking once I got better I could go home. The surgeries to my face took a long time and it took forever for me to regain my strength. Each day was a struggle and I didn’t want to put the responsibility on you and your family.”
He stood up again as emotions hit him like a slap in the face. Why couldn’t she come home? He didn’t understand that. “When we got married, the vows said in sickness and in health. Did you forget that?”
She looked at him for the first time. “I caused all this misery to myself because I didn’t have the courage to care for my child. I ran away instead. That’s all on me and it was hard to live with. I didn’t want to come home until I was fully well. But then things happened.”
“Like what?”
“Miss Hattie had a stroke and I couldn’t leave then. She’d been so good to me and I had to stay to help her. She took care of me and I had to take care of her. She was the loving mother I never had. And David and I grew closer. He was just as nice and loving as his mother. I never had that kind of love in my life.”
It finally dawned on Falcon. “Oh, this David is who you want to marry. This David is why you want a divorce. This David is why you have finally come home, only to leave again. That’s not fair to Eden and it’s not fair to me.”
“I know, that makes me a really bad person. I’m not asking for forgiveness. I’m not asking to be a part of your life again. I’m only asking for a few minutes with my daughter.”
“What will that help, Leah? She’s seventeen and dealing with all kinds of conflicting emotions. I can tell you she will not understand, so why put her through this?”
She stood, her eyes a wave of frosty green. “I’m prepared for that. I can’t go forward with my life until I talk to her.”
Looking at her expensive clothes and artfully made-up face, he had to ask, “Your life is good, I take it.”
“Yes. I took some business courses and I work in David’s office.”
“How nice. Doesn’t Miss Hattie need you?” He couldn’t keep the sarcasm out of his voice because the anger was starting to come back like a tidal wave and he couldn’t stop it. He had to wonder if she thought he had nerves of steel and he could take all this with a smiling face and have-a-good-life attitude. He was far from feeling that.
“Miss Hattie died a few months ago and she left me her house and many good memories.”
His gut clenched. Didn’t they have good memories? Was that what she was implying? He drew a heavy breath. Almost eighteen years and he remembered everything, even things that hurt. But it was clear that she didn’t. The thought caused an unsettling emotion—green-eyed jealousy.
“I guess you share this house with David?”
“No. He has his own place. David and Miss Hattie saved my life and we became a family. They spent so many hours helping me to get well and to live a full life. I never knew anyone could be so loving and giving. I know you don’t like to hear that, but it’s the truth. I didn’t mean for this to happen. It just did and we both have to move on now.”
He wasn’t going to go gently into this divorce. No way. He wasn’t built that way. “Do you think it was easy for me, Leah, raising a baby? And then my father died and I had to take over the running of the ranch while taking care of a four-year-old. There weren’t enough hours in the day, but Eden was always my top priority.”
She gasped. “John died?”
“Yes, four years after you left the ranch. It was hard on all of us, but especially for Eden because she loved her Papa.”
“Falcon, I’m so sorry. I know how you felt about him.”
What was he supposed to say? There were no words. “I know you’ve been through a lot, but I’ll never understand how you can regain your memory and still stay away from your daughter. It doesn’t matter how you felt about me. Eden deserved more. I can tell you for a fact if I was hurt and away from home, getting back to my child would’ve been my main goal. I’ll never understand how you could have ignored her.”
Leah held a hand to her forehead. “Please, I...”
He threw up a hand. “Okay. I can’t change your mind. I see you have some kind of plan that you have to see Eden. I can’t really stop you because Eden is almost an adult and I’d rather be there to protect her. So you can have a few minutes if it means that much to you to start this new life.” He ran a shaky hand through his hair. “This is not easy for me even if you think I have ice water in my veins. You’re my wife and in my mind you’ve always been my wife. All these years haven’t changed that. You owe me, Leah—for all the years you weren’t in our lives, for all the nights you weren’t in my bed and for all the misery you put me through. You owe me, and if you want me to be happy for this new love that you’ve found, then you don’t know me at all.”
She stared at him, tears glistening in her eyes. He steeled himself against them.
“I’m sorry. What do you want from me?”
The moment she asked the question he knew exactly what would ease his pain.
He wanted her.
Chapter Five
A time for regrets...
Leah knew that look. She’d seen it many times when they were teenagers. The dark depths simmered with passion. Her knees went weak and her body melted into a form that he could mold any way he wanted. He’d always had that effect on her and, sadly, to her dismay, today was no different.<
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Step away. Step away, she kept repeating to herself. But her feet wouldn’t move. All she could see was the warm darkness of his eyes. It had been so long and...
He reached out and circled her neck with his hand, his thumb stroking her jawline. A shiver of excitement ran through her. She tried to squelch it, but failed. With his other hand he pushed her hair away from her face and saw the telltale scar along her scalp line and the bare spot where hair wouldn’t grow anymore. He kissed it gently and all the emotions she’d been holding in check exploded inside her. Refusing or stepping away wasn’t an option anymore. She hated herself for being weak.
He rained kisses from the scar to her jaw to the hollow of her neck. She breathed in his musky masculine scent and closed her eyes as old feelings took control. His strength was one of the things she loved about him and she felt it today in every muscle of his body. He captured her lips with an urgency that she remembered well and pulled her against his body. She responded with an aching need and her arms slipped up around his neck. Nothing was said for a while as they remembered a time when two teenagers had found love. A soft moan left her throat as she opened her mouth to give him full access and the world spun away just enough so they could let go.
His hand found the zipper on the back of her dress and slid it down effortlessly. He stroked her skin with mind-numbing caresses until she could no longer think. Nor did she want to. With the twist of his fingers her bra came undone and there was no turning back. He lifted her into his arms and carried her into the bedroom. Neither spoke. They communicated through touches, caresses and kisses.
Her dress had fallen to a pool around her feet. As he laid her on the bed she kicked it away, along with her heels. Somewhere in the haste he removed his clothes. His boots took forever, but she patiently waited. Soon he joined her on the bed and a renewed dance of old began.
His shoulders were broad and strong and capable of transporting her to the moon and back. She ran her fingers through his thick hair and down the rippling muscles of his back. She couldn’t seem to touch him enough to feel the power within him. He rolled onto her and she welcomed him with kisses and sighs of delight. It was as if they hadn’t forgotten a thing about each other, including ways to please to bring the most satisfaction. But her reaction to his body was somehow stronger, so much more mature and she knew she would never forget this moment when they’d loved as adults.
She cried his name as she reached the pinnacle of complete release and she gripped him tightly as he joined her in moans of pleasure. Afterward, he lay atop her, not moving. After a moment, he rolled to the side and the air-conditioning cooled her sweat-bathed body as the full impact of what they’d done hit her.
Falcon moved from the bed and began to dress. She, too, slipped out and grabbed her silky robe from a chair. Tightening the belt around her waist, she realized her hands were shaking. She’d had so many regrets over the years and this was a big one. It was hard to explain, even to herself. But her life depicted stepping-stones of regret to heaven or to hell. She wasn’t quite sure which one yet.
Words ran through her mind but none seemed suitable, so she remained silent. Falcon sat on the bed and then pulled on his jeans. He reached for his shirt on the floor and jammed his arms through the holes. He was seething. She could see that from his darkened face. He was feeling regret as much as she was, and there were no words to soothe their bruised egos.
Snapping the buttons on his shirt, he said, “I don’t understand how you can love this David and still make love with me like that.” He waved his hand toward the bed in an angry gesture.
She waved her hand, as well. “That was sex. It’s always been that way between us.”
He frowned. “Sex? That’s all we had?”
The truth was going to hurt her as much as it hurt him, but she had to say the words. “In our relationship you never gave me choices. You always made the decisions, no matter how I felt. You pressured me into sex, even though I was hesitant.”
“Like now?” His voice rose. “I didn’t hear anyone saying stop and I didn’t feel you pushing me away. And I never heard the name David.”
“This was different.”
“You’re damn right it was. It was wrong. But...sometimes you drive me crazy. You come back here and expect me to accept everything with a smiling face and a congenial attitude. I’m not built that way. Sorry... Okay, I’ll admit I pushed you, but it was what we both wanted.”
“In the beginning it made me uncomfortable, and you didn’t understand that.”
He paled. She’d never seen that before. It shook her, and she tightened the belt on her robe a little more just for something to do.
He ran his hands up his face in a defeated gesture. “I pushed you because I was crazy about you and I thought you felt the same way about me.”
“I did,” she hastened to reassure him. “But I wanted to wait. And then I got pregnant and you said we had to get married. You never gave me a choice.”
“You didn’t want to get married?”
“I wanted to talk about it and go over our options. I wanted to be a part of it, not told what to do. Like being told we had to live with your family. That was hard for me. Your brothers were always gawking at me and I felt shy and embarrassed. But I did what you wanted because you were always the dominant one in our relationship.”
He shoved his shirt into his jeans. “I did what I thought was best for us at the time, and I see now that it wasn’t. But I loved you more than you ever loved me—or maybe you didn’t love me at all.”
“How many times did you say you loved me?”
“What?” He seemed confused. “Maybe I didn’t say it enough, but I showed you every day.”
She brushed her hair from her face, trying to say words that wouldn’t hurt him. “I did love you, but I was young and unsure of myself and so very confused and conflicted about my life. And then my dad died while I was pregnant and that shook me even more. I was hurting and you never seemed to notice that.”
“If you remember, you shut me out. You didn’t want me to touch you or anything.”
“I didn’t want to have sex. That’s different.”
A twinge nudged his conscience. “Clearly, everything I did was wrong.”
She shook her head. “No. It was me, too. I failed to make you understand how I felt, especially after Dad died. I wanted to move in with my aunt so we’d have more privacy, but you wouldn’t listen to me. You kept saying you were going to clean out your parents’ old house for us.”
“Leah, I didn’t have time. I had to be up at five and on the ranch working. I had a baby on the way and had to make a living for us. And living in town was out of the question.”
She blinked away an errant tear. “I just felt like I didn’t have any choices. I...I felt trapped. We were two teenagers having to live with our mistakes, but I never really saw Eden as a mistake. I just couldn’t deal with all that responsibility, I suppose. I was weak and that’s all on me.”
“It may surprise you to know that I now know exactly how you felt back then because Eden is feeling the same way now. We talked about it last night.”
“Oh.”
“A boy is pressuring her to have sex and she’s not ready.”
“She talks to you about things like that?”
“Eden and I talk about everything. I made a point of being honest with her and telling her the truth when she was small, especially after Dad died and I had to explain about death. Not having a mother drew us closer.”
Leah let the last part slide. She wasn’t ready to open that wound again. “What did you tell her?”
“She asked if I had pressured you to have sex and I told her the truth, that I had.”
“How did she respond to that?”
“It made her unsure about love because she sees us as having a great lo
ve affair.”
Leah looked down at her bare feet, not daring to look at Falcon, afraid that her feelings would show in her eyes. “I guess all kids want to believe that.”
“Yeah.” He sat on the bed and yanked on his boots. “I learned more today than I really wanted to about our relationship, but I think it’s time to close those doors to the past. We were two teenagers and, yes, I took control and gave you very few choices. I’m sorry about that, but I was young trying to do the right thing. Evidently, it was wrong and I can admit that now.” He stood in one easy movement. “So you can have your divorce to marry someone that you love. You deserve that, and that’s not easy for me to say.”
She swallowed the lump in her throat. “Thank you. I...I don’t know what to say.”
“Don’t say anything. Sometimes when we look back on our lives all we see are the regrets and the things we didn’t do. But when I look back at us I see two teenagers deeply in love, and I will keep that memory just as it is in my mind because it gave me Eden.”
Tears clogged her throat and she couldn’t speak. She didn’t expect him to be so gracious. He certainly had changed in more ways than she could’ve ever imagined. Or maybe the young Leah never really saw him, just the handsome cowboy she wanted to notice her, to love her.
He moved for the door. “Just send me the papers. I’ll talk to Eden and let you know what she says about meeting you. If she doesn’t want to, I can’t make her. It’s just that simple.”
“I understand.”
“I wish I did. I’m really trying, but I’ll never believe that you didn’t love me with all your heart back then.” He walked out of the bedroom. Tears began to roll from her eyes, and she made no move to brush them away. She heard the click of the door as he left and that’s when she became a blubbering idiot. She sank onto the bed, a total mess.
“I did and I still love you, but it’s better you never know that,” she mumbled through her tears.
* * *
FALCON DROVE TO the barn, angry at himself, angry at the world and angry that life could be so cruel. He should have met her in a public place, not a hotel room. That was only asking for trouble because she was right when she said that it had always been very passionate between them. That’s why her saying he pushed her more than she wanted really crushed him. He had thought they loved each other and that’s what people in love did, especially as an eighteen-year-old boy. Now he had to live with what he’d done today. Another regret among the many that crowded the shadows of his soul.