“Stop what? Ministering on the road so much? You know I can’t sit still in one city when there are so many hurting souls out there that’s needing a word from God.”
I laughed at myself. Even to me, that explanation sounded ridiculous.
“You know good and well that’s not what I’m referring to.”
“Just say it then, bruh.”
“The women. When are you going to finally come clean and stop doing Jewel like this? Her and those girls don’t deserve to be treated like that. You have two daughters to think about. Do you want them growing up to have some li’l knucklehead doing them like you are doing their mother?” He asked, giving me an earful.
I sat there for a minute thinking about what he had just said and tried letting it sink in. For some reason, it just wasn’t registering in my head or my heart enough for me to stop.
“Listen B. We been doing this since high school, and you know good and well I’m too young to stop now. Heck, you taught me the game,” I replied while reminding him who watered the seed that my father had already planted in me years ago.
I saw my father, Andrew, Sr., do my mother the same way, and she knew about all of the other women. She didn’t leave. My mother stayed right there through it all.
“Nah. Pops taught you the game. I just helped you to perfect it,” he said chuckling. “But on the real, it was all fun and games when we were single, but you’re a married man with little girls, man. The reason I’m still single is because I want to find the right one and settle down. We are getting too old to keep this up,” he said, calling himself schooling me.
“Speak for yourself, bruh. I’m just getting started.” Noticing we had finally arrived at the airport, I reminded him, “Don’t forget to stay away from the house until I get back. Jewel thinks you are going with me this time around.”
“Maaannnn,” he started.
“You got me or not, B?” I asked, already knowing the answer.
It took him a few seconds to answer as he looked out of the driver’s side window. He had always been down no matter what, but now, it seemed like he was changing on me. Like he was finally getting a conscience.
“Well?” I asked, getting somewhat impatient.
“Yeah man. I got you.” He sighed.
“My boy. I’ll hit you up later on this evening once I get settled,” I let him know as I opened the back door to get my bags.
Without another word, as soon as I shut the door, he drove off.
“It’s time to stop this son.” I heard and looked around to see if there was anyone around me, even though I knew it wasn’t the voice of one of the people passing by.
I knew the voice of God, and I knew it well. I heard it often these days, and just like so many other people, I continued to ignore it. I had a life to live, and I was going to live it the way I wanted. And right now, I wanted to get to Atlanta to Jasmine.
Chapter Three
Jewel
Looking out of the living room window, I watched as Bryce drove my loving husband away. I thanked God for him each and every day that I woke up, even if he wasn’t always next to me in bed when my eyes opened. I knew that the position he was in caused him to be gone a lot, but that was the sacrifice that had to be made when you were married to a preacher.
It took a toll on us all, but when he was finally able to be home, which wasn’t too often, he made us feel like we were the only people in the world. Although Kammy loved her father, I never could understand why Avery was the way she was when it came to Drew. She bucked against his authority for as long as I could remember, and no matter how much he tried to talk to her, she would always shut down. I just prayed that before she went out on her own after high school, their relationship would be better.
I went into the kitchen to clean up the dishes that Bryce had left and found Avery standing with the refrigerator wide open. I hated when she did that, but no matter how many times I got on to her, she still did it.
“Little girl, what have I told you about standing with that door open?” I asked, startling her.
“Mommy, you scared me!” She exclaimed, grabbing a cold Pepsi and a fruit cup.
“Well, if you weren’t doing something you had no business doing then you wouldn’t have gotten scared,” I said, getting the dishes off of the island and placing them in the dishwasher.
“Ma, can I ask you something?” Avery said, hopping up on the bar stool that Bryce had just been on.
“Of course, baby. What’s going on?” I asked, looking at her face that was full of concern.
I always taught both Avery and Kammy that they could come to me about any and everything, no matter what it was. I felt it was so important that kids were able to be open to their parents these days.
“Ma, why do you stay?” She asked me with tears in her eyes.
This question threw me way off because I had no clue what she was talking about.
“Av, what are you talking about?” I asked confused.
“Why do you stay with Dad? He doesn’t love you, and you deserve so much better.”
“Wait a minute, I’m lost. Why wouldn’t I stay with him? He’s my husband and your father.”
“It takes more to being a husband than a ring and more to being a father than having a long stroke.”
“AVERY MONIQUE WEBBER!” I yelled, startling her.
There weren’t many times that I had to yell at my children, but when I did, they knew I was serious. I don’t know what had gotten into her lately, but she was definitely about to get whatever it was casted out.
“I’m sorry,” she said as a tear slid down her face.
I softened up just a little because if there was anything I hated it was to see my children hurt.
“I’m sorry for yelling,” I said, sitting back down. “Talk to me, please. I hate seeing you cry.”
“I don’t think Dad is really in love with you. I mean, I know that he loves you, but I don’t think it’s the way that he should.”
“We have been together almost twenty years, baby girl. Why wouldn’t he?” I wanted to know.
“Just because you are with someone that long, doesn’t mean that they love you the way you love them,” she said. I was at a loss for words, so she continued. “I know I’ve only been on this earth for seventeen years, but I can’t remember a time that he has looked at you with as much love in his eyes for you as you have for him. Sometimes I wonder if you are just settling with him to have someone and a father for us. You deserve better than this, Ma,” she finished and got up and headed upstairs, leaving me there to think about what it was that she just said.
As I sat there, I began to think about if there was any truth to what she was saying. Was I settling with Drew because I was afraid for us to be alone? I knew I hadn’t always had the best self-esteem growing up, but to have my own daughter call me out on it was a shock. At that moment, I understood how so many people, including myself, couldn’t see things that were going on right in front of their faces until God sent someone to open their eyes. It caused me to take a good look at my past and how I got to this point in my life
*****
1997
The time had finally come, and I was about to walk into Spellman for the first time. I just graduated high school and couldn’t have been any happier than I was at this moment. I would finally be getting out of that small behind town of Sparta, Georgia. It wasn’t that I didn’t love the people I had grown up with, but I was ready to see and do more, and Sparta just wasn’t going to afford me that opportunity.
As excited as I was to embark on this new journey, I was so nervous. I hadn’t been the most popular girl at Hancock Central High, and my attitude reflected that. I wanted so bad to be accepted by the in crowd, but it just never happened. I didn’t fit in. My parents often told me how beautiful and smart I was, but I wanted someone else to tell me that. Parents are supposed to tell their children things like that, so it was expected.
I had a few girlfriends that I wou
ld talk to while in school, but it never went beyond that. No sleepovers, mall outings or even phone calls. My appearance wasn’t horrible, but it wasn’t the best either. My parents weren’t rich, but they made sure my brother, Chris, and I had what we needed.
Our parents were ministers at our local church and did their best to instill values in us. We were always taught that clothes didn’t make the person, but it was what God had placed inside of us that mattered. That was all good and well, but the way kids at school would pick at me because of the clothes I wore had a big impact on me.
Whoever came up with that phrase that bigger is better lied because my height didn’t compliment my weight. I just looked round. No matter how cute I thought an outfit was when my mother took me shopping, once I put it on, it looked nothing like I imagined. So, I got picked on. I hated when I heard, ‘You have a cute face for a big girl,’ like big girls were exempt from being pretty just because they had a little more weight on their bodies.
I was so self-conscience about myself and hated being beat down mentally every day I walked into that school that my senior year I asked to be home schooled. My Dad tried to tell me that running away from an issue was never good, because until you passed that test, you would have to keep facing it. College wasn’t even on my mind because I felt like things were only going to get worse. I should have listened to my gut when it told me not to go, but I let my mother convince me to step out on faith and trust this experience would be the best thing for me.
So, here I am. No turning back now. Chris had just brought up the last box with my dad as my mother and I tried our best to organize the mess. Just as we were finishing up, a pretty light skinned girl came walking through the door. Immediately, I looked down at myself and started comparing myself to her.
She was light skinned, and I was about two shades darker than a paper bag. Her hair was styled in a pretty French roll with pin curls while mine was struggling to stay in the pony tail holder. It wasn’t that I was bald, but I had so much hair that I couldn’t maintain it, so it just stayed in a bun. We were both about the same height of five foot six, but while she was a nice stacked one hundred and forty pounds, give or take, I was a hefty two hundred and ten.
Both of us were dressed in t-shirts and jean shorts, but she made hers look so much better. My thighs rubbed together while hers were an even distance apart. I knew I had probably made her uncomfortable by just staring at her for so long, but I was questioning God, wondering why I had to look the way that I did. I wasn’t a big eater or anything, and I tried my best to work out, but the results weren’t in my favor.
“Um. Hi. I’m Jasmine Hawkings,” my new roommate said, extending her hand for me to shake.
“Oh, I’m so sorry. I’m Jewel, and this is my mother and father, Pastor and First Lady Rivers and my brother, Chris,” I said, introducing her to my family.
“Well, we are going to go ahead and head back home. I am so proud of you, baby girl, and don’t you hesitate to call us if you need anything,” my dad said, walking over to me and giving me one of his bear hugs that I was going to miss so much.
“I will, Daddy.”
The tears were on the verge of falling freely at any moment.
“No ma’am, none of that. We are not that far away, and we will definitely see you on the weekends,” my mother encouraged.
Before they left, my father decided that it would be a good idea to pray. So we all held hands, including Jasmine, while he asked our Father in heaven to watch over and protect us while we were away from home. Each one of us said Amen, and they were on their way.
*****
The first week of classes went by without a hitch, and I was trying my hardest to come out of my shell. The more I hung with Jasmine and got to know her, the more she pushed me to be better. We had let each other so far into each of our lives that we started telling people we were sisters. She even helped me to change up my look some. We would go shopping, and she would let me in on all of the latest trends and hair styles. No matter how good I looked on the outside, my inside was still a mess.
One night, we were hanging around in our room listening to music and studying when out of nowhere Jasmine asked me about my love life.
“What love life?” I asked, hoping and praying that she didn’t pry, but that prayer didn’t go any further than the ceiling.
“You mean to tell me that you never had a boyfriend?” She questioned while closing her sociology book and sitting up on her bed to face me.
“Well, yea, but it didn’t work out,” I replied.
Something told me that this wouldn’t be the end of her interrogation.
“What happened?”
I was right again.
“I met him my sophomore year of high school and fell hard for him way too fast. After a few months, Romeo asked if we could take our relationship to the next level.”
“Wait, his name was not Romeo for real was it? I know his mama did not put that on his birth certificate,” she said as she fell out laughing.
“Girl yes!” I said, giggling with her.
“Go ahead and finish telling me what happened before I die from laughing so hard.”
“Anyway. You know I was raised up in the church, and premarital sex was frowned upon. When I told him that I wanted to save myself for marriage he laughed in my face and told me that he would never stoop that low and sleep with someone that looked like me. It was just a game to him, and all of that time I spent with him thinking that he was really loving me like I was loving him was all a waste of time,” I ended as Jasmine got up and held me while I cried. “So, I haven’t been with anyone else since then. That’s why I try so hard to lose this weight and change my image because I really want to just be happy and find love.”
“Don’t worry, sis, the man God has for you will one day find you.”
“I hope so. I really hope so,” I said, focusing back on my school work.
Chapter Four
Jewel
I hadn’t realized that I had gone down memory lane until I heard my cell phone ringing on the counter. I ran over to it and caught Drew’s call right before he hung up.
“Hey baby,” I said almost out of breath.
“Hey, what’s wrong? Sounds like you been running a marathon, and we know that’s not happening,” he laughed.
Maybe I missed the joke, but I didn’t find that comment one bit amusing. Something wasn’t right, and this was the first time he had ever made me feel insecure about my size. I guess he realized he had hurt me and tried to correct himself.
“Oh no, baby, not like that. I didn’t mean it to come off like that,” he tried to clean it up.
“So, you made it in safely?” I asked him, trying to change the subject.
“Yep, but I have to end up crashing at a buddy’s house,” he said nonchalantly.
“That’s strange. What happened? I had you all booked and ready to check in once you landed.”
“Well, when I got here I was told that they overbooked, so instead of causing a scene, I just hit one of my college buddies up to see if I could crash there. It’s no big deal. He was fine with it.”
“Oh, that was nice. Which friend was it?” I asked, as my stomach started doing flips.
Normally I wouldn’t think twice about it because there were times that this has happened. But lately, I’d been feeling something has been off between us.
“You don’t know him. I’ll call you back later on tonight. I gotta go. Bye,” he said before hanging up in my face.
“I love you too,” I said although he was no longer there.
I put my phone down just as the tear that I had been holding on to for the last seven years rolled down my face.
“Mommy, why are you crying?” I heard my little princess, Kammy, say.
I was so into my own thoughts I didn’t even hear her come in.
“Oh, it’s nothing, baby girl,” I said, looking down into her pretty brown face.
She reminded me of a little po
rcelain doll. Kamiah Noel was a gorgeous little girl, but her heart and personality made her beautiful inside as well.
“Why does everyone keep saying that to me?” She asked, pouting her lips.
If I didn’t know she was so serious I would have laughed at her because she was so cute. But I wanted to know what she meant by that statement.
“What do you mean, Kam?”
“When I ask Daddy why he looks at you a certain way when you aren’t looking, he tells me it’s nothing. I just saw Avery crying in her room, and I asked what was wrong, but she smiled and said nothing, and now you, too, Mommy.”
I was at a loss for words and didn’t know where to begin. It amazed me that this child of mine was only six years old but seemed to be very observant. So observant that she was noticing things that I should have been seeing in my own home. I didn’t know what God had in store, but He was definitely trying to get my attention. I just didn’t know why right now.
“Come here, sweetie,” I said as I picked her up in my arms and sat her on the counter. “Mommy is sorry. I don’t want you to think we aren’t being honest with you or hiding things from you. But some things that we go through may be just a little too much for you to handle or understand at your age,” I tried to explain to her, but what she said next knocked the breath out of me.
“I understand that Daddy doesn’t love us,” she said without an ounce of emotion on her face.
“Kammy, why would you say that? Your father loves us.”
“No, he doesn’t, Mommy. It’s ok though, because God has prepared my heart, and He said He will prepare yours too.”
Once again another one of my children left me speechless. Getting down off of my lap, she gave me a hug and kiss before skipping off and heading up the stairs to her playroom.
Chapter Five
Jasmine
The club was packed, and bodies were everywhere. I hated it. For the men, it was a place to get a free feel and maybe something extra if they paid enough attention to the woman they set their sights on. One after another, the women hit the stage in barely anything at all just to make a few dollars to get them to the next day. Some even made enough in a few minutes for the whole month, but they were back at it the next night to do it all over again.
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