by Adam Tervort
Finally, though, Miss White was back to her old self again and had even managed to get the smell of bear bile out of her hair. Miss Green felt so bad about the whole thing that she promised to help Miss White however she could. They decided they'd hit the mortal world on Thursday and launch their ‘shock and awe’ campaign to capture Xu's heart.
Things started to go wrong almost the moment they materialized into the mortal world. Fahai the inept sorcerer just happened to be stumbling down the path that Miss White and Miss Green materialized onto. He ran right into Miss White, who wasn't quite done transforming into her human form. Everywhere he had touched her he started to glow.
"Hey, watch where you're going, stinky!" Miss Green said.
Fahai looked down at his hands, the glow fading quickly as Miss White finished transforming. Even in his drunken stupor he thought that his hands shouldn't be glowing.
"Next time I would appreciate it if you would watch where you are going, sir," Miss White said.
Fahai looked at the two of them and was sure he should have realized something by now. They popped out of nowhere, the glowed, their clothing looked really hot. "Are you two real?" he finally asked.
"No, we are just figments of your imagination," said Miss Green. She hoped he would accept that and move on.
"Really? I knew I shouldn't have started the meat and wine diet again last night. It always messes with my head for the first week or so. So am I dreaming?"
"Maybe, it's hard to tell. If you see two beautiful women in front of you perhaps you are dreaming."
"Oh, that's what I see alright. Any chance that there is wine in this dream?"
"If there is will you leave?" said Miss Green. She was already getting edgy being around the magician, even if he was obviously hopeless.
"If there is I will do just about anything you tell me to," he said. Miss Green snapped her fingers and a huge jug of wine appeared on the path. "Wow, now that's service. I wish all of my dreams were this good."
They watched him waddle off towards the wine. "Do you think he'll make trouble?" asked Miss Green.
"No, I think his liver will give out before he has a chance to," Miss White said. They turned the other way and headed towards the village as quickly as they could. As he ripped the top off the wine jug Fahai turned and yelled his thanks to them.
He sloshed the first cupful of wine into his mouth and thought, "Man, I wonder who their tailor is, I didn't see any seams on their clothes at all. They could have been immortals!" He was soon passed out on the road, hugging his jug of wine.
As Miss White and Miss Green entered the village and headed towards Xu's house they saw his mother sitting under a tree talking to some other women. It looked like the village kaffeeklatch, where all of the mothers in town came to chew the fat and complain. "My Xu is so stupid I don't know what to do," she said to another woman. "I know he'll never find a job. He'll die of blood loss one day from a paper cut on an old scroll, and all I'll have left is a room full of royal edicts to use for kindling." The other women murmured that their children were also stupid and useless as well, but Xu's mother seemed to be the only one who really believed it.
Miss White thought this would be a great chance to score some points with Xu's mom. She walked over towards the tree and waited until there was a lull in the conversation. She lowered her head, trying to appear respectful even though she could have eaten all of old ladies for lunch and still had room for steamed rice cake afterwards, and asked "Are you the mother of the esteemed scholar Xu?"
Xu's mom looked at her with suspicious eyes. "I am the mother of the idiot boy who thinks that studying dusty scrolls all day will provide for his mother, who are you?"
"Oh, I am just a traveler. I have heard much good said about your son. He is both intelligent and virtuous, and I'm sure he is just bursting with filial piety as well." She felt like that was probably a good line.
"Ho ho, are you mistaken. The only thing my son has accomplished in his miserable life is to win a certificate for memorizing a tome of Tang poetry, and now I have to listen to him spouting couplets at all hours of the day. You must be thinking of someone else."
Miss White tried to be gracefully demure to Xu's mother and end the conversation quickly so she could move on before she got homicidal. That was her Xu the old hag was talking about! She should change into a tiger and rip her throat out right this minute. That'd teach her to insult Xu, the light of her life (at least for this week). Xu's mother must have seen a glint of the murder in Miss White's eyes because she clammed up pretty quickly. Miss White and Miss Green wished the women a pleasant day and continued on their way to the village.
Xu's mother turned to one of the women and said "Did you see the fire in her eyes? She looked like a demon for a moment!" The other women agreed, ever though they hadn't seen anything. At least this had livened up a boring afternoon. They continued to talk about the two women until they saw Fahai struggling up the path with a huge wine jar in his arms which sloshed about with every uneven step. They could smell him from 25 meters away. The road was sure serving up some strange folks today!
Fahai staggered over and bowed to the women. His bow went lower and lower until his face hit the dirt and he began to snore, posterior waving in the breeze. "Oh great," one of the women said, "another sorcerer. I hope this one will do something besides drink all of the village's wine."
"He'll probably tell us we have demons that he needs to cast out," said another.
"Maybe we do," said Xu's mother. "When he wakes up make sure to send him to my house so I can talk to him about those two crazy women. And ask him to take a bath first." The women all roared with laughter, then roared again when Fahai lost his balance and tumbled over onto his side and started sucking his thumb. The great sorcerer had arrived.
3
Miss White and Miss Green decided to change their approach a bit after talking to Xu's mother. Rather than storm the house and try to overwhelm him with sensuality, they decided that Miss White should appeal to Xu's love of poetry. Miss Green hid in the bushes next to Xu's house while Miss White began walking up and down the path that ran by Xu's window. As Miss White walked, she recited a poem.
"Moonlight streams by my bedside, It looks like frost on the ground. I raise my head to look at the moon and, and, and, ummmm, darn it! Why can't I remember the last line of the poem?" She paced back and forth, saying the poem over and over, hoping that Xu would hear her and finish the poem for her. She had already paced by his window eight times before Xu finally stuck his head out.
"Excuse me, could you please shut up? I'm trying to study here."
"Oh," said Miss White. "I didn't know that I was disturbing you." She smiled as coquettishly as possible without showing her annoyance. "I'm just so distraught that I can't remember the last line of my favorite poem, that's all."
"Well, go remember it somewhere else." Xu pulled his head back inside and was gone.
"I'm going to eat his liver for dinner!" Miss White roared.
"White, White, shut up! He's coming back out!" Miss Green hissed.
Miss White was still raging about all the ways she was going to torture and kill Xu as Xu came out the front door of the house with a scroll in his hand.
"I'm sorry about my bad attitude, miss. It's just that there are only 207 days left until the imperial examination and I still have 1.300 scrolls to memorize. I'm so worried that I'll never pass and will have to listen to my mother's nagging the rest of my life that I get a bit short. Will you accept my apologies?"
Miss White looked at Xu in astonishment. "Well, you were terribly rude to me, but that was a very nice apology. Yes, I forgive you."
"If you would like to know the end of the poem, I'd be happy to tell it to you," Xu said.
"Please, that would be wonderful."
Moonlight streams by my bedside,
It looks like frost on the ground.
I raise my head to look at the moon
And think about my home.
“The most famous poem of the great poet Li Bai. You have wonderful taste, Miss. I love this poem."
Miss White was rapturous at this. (Strong emotions can be dangerous for demons, only a few moments separate rapturous from ravenous, you know. She was almost ready to "eat him up," which would have been bad for Xu.) "Oh, Xu, you truly are a scholar and a gentleman. Can I offer you a small snack back at my house?"
"Thank you Miss, that would be wonderful. My mother never seems to appreciate my skill with poems. At least three times a day she reminds me that poets end up throwing themselves into rivers and... Wait. How did you know my name is Xu?"
"Oh, dear master Xu, everyone in this area knows of your wisdom and virtuousness." Miss White wished she could kick herself for making such a stupid mistake, she wasn't supposed to let on that she knew so much about Xu yet. Luckily he was a man, and flattery usually makes men forget just about anything. "Having you at my house for a small repast and some more poetry would be the greatest honor of my life, great scholar Xu. Shall I lead you to my humble home?" As she smiled at him she turned on all of her demon charm, and Xu's face went slack under the onslaught. He was putty in her hands.
"Ga ga ga ga, sure I'll go to lunch!"
Miss White threaded her arm through his and started to lead him away from his house. As they turned the corner onto the main street Xu's mother came along, wondering if her good-for-nothing son had remembered to sweep the house or not. She looked up as she came to the house and saw Miss White leading him around the corner. "Xu? Where are you going? You're supposed to be studying!" She ran after them, but her run was little more than an arthritic stumble. As she turned the corner she saw a flash and a puff of smoke, but no Xu or the strange woman. Oh, that idiot son of hers! He was really going to get it when he came home that evening!
She wouldn't see Xu for six weeks.
Miss Green had been watching as Xu's mother approached, and although she still thought the old lady was quite a battle ax, she didn't think it would help Miss White get Xu into the Banbudao if Xu's mother caught them at that moment. She turned into a bird and flew over Xu's head and pooped on his shoulder. Miss White looked over at the poop and saw the words "Xu's mother is coming" floating in it. Demon poop is a wonderful messaging system. She turned to Xu and smiled, saying "May I hold your hand for a moment Xu? Mine is suddenly very cold." Xu was still pretty gaga from the charm Miss White had hit him with, so he just stuck his hand out. Miss White gripped it and then pulled him through the fabric of reality and down a level into the Banbudao. For those on the mortal side of the fabric, it looked like a puff of smoke, which was all Xu's mother saw.
For a human to go into the Banbudao is not a very pleasant experience. To get there a human must be in direct contact with a demon for the whole journey, and that contact burns as the demon returns to original form. Once Miss White had tried to bring a butcher into the Banbudao but the grease on his hand made him slip during the journey and he was tossed off into the in-between. Luckily for him it only took a second or so for him to vaporize, but I'm sure they would much rather have lived than been vaporized. The lesson: make sure you wipe all of the pig fat off your hands before you hold a pretty girl's hand, even if she isn't a demon.
Xu was startled when his hand started to burn and smoke, but he held on and they made it into the Banbudao without any big problems. As soon as he could he let go of Miss White's hand and looked at her. She looked very different in her demon form, much more beautiful and terrible than before. Miss White exuded charm in this form, but it wasn't playful or flirtatious like it had been in the human world. It was the charm of a despot or a cult leader, dangerous and explosive. Of course she was more beautiful than any human, and her form seemed to subtly shift until she looked exactly like Xu's idea of the perfect woman. Long, glistening black hair that fell below her shoulders, fine eyebrows and small eyes, a thin form with curves in the right places. He was scared of her, but excited at the same time.
"Xu, welcome to my home. Shall we sit and have some tea before we have our snack?"
He was speechless. Finally he nodded and followed her off, thinking that he was probably going to his doom but that he would definitely enjoy the process of being destroyed.
4
What followed was six weeks of the strangest sensations imaginable. Miss White devoured Xu three or four times a day, leaving him with only a head that floated around the room. When she was finished eating him, she'd burp and excuse herself, and Xu, fully conscious and enjoying the sensation of having a floating head, would begin to reform. Being eaten by a demon didn't really hurt; it just took some getting used to. Watching a beautiful woman break your leg off and suck the marrow from your bones should be terrifying, but the more times it happened the more he started to like it.
Miss White enjoyed Xu immensely. She had found through her years of experience that people who studied were tender in the tush but tough in the nerves, which she found to be very tasty. After about a month of eating Xu she began to feel bored, though. Instead of eating him, she would sit and talk with him. Yes, he was a big nerd and his poetry recitations were boring to the point of death, but once he got over trying to prove how smart he was it turned out that Xu was quite an interesting man. Little by little Miss White fell out of passion and into love. She recognized in Xu a nobility that she rarely saw in her men, and it made her excited in a new way. In Xu she someone who might have the ability to help people and make life better for the common man. All he needed was some help from an immortal being, and she could give it to him.
One day she told Xu that she thought they should go back to the mortal world. "There are other people who need you besides me, Xu; I think you have great things to do in life. We should go back."
"Um, how can I do great things if I can't even pass the imperial exam? I think I should give up and stay here with you for a while."
"No Xu, I think it's time for you to go back and meet your destiny."
"Do you always say things like this to people you bring down here?"
"No, not often. I will say that I tend to have a good eye for talent though. Lots of my men went on to be great, but I want to help you. That's never happened before."
They made their plans, and returned six weeks to the day from their departure. Miss White's plan was quite simple. In the time before the imperial examination, Xu would begin to help the people in his village. Miss White and Miss Green (who had fallen in love with a giant bullfrog and had been enjoying her own romance during the last six weeks) would soften up the people who needed softening to allow Xu to do whatever he thought would be the most helpful to the people of the village. When the right time came, Miss Green would make her way to the provincial capital and begin telling of the brilliant young man who had helped the village so much with his wisdom and hard work. The provincial rulers were always looking for good reports to send up the line to the emperor's court and would be even happier if Xu did his good work without using any of their gold. By the time Xu went to the capital to take the imperial examination he would be known there, and with Miss White's help should be able to pass with flying colors. Once he became an official, then he would have the ability to really change the lives of the common people. It was a brilliant plan. At least the three of them thought so. The bullfrog wasn't so sure, but no one really listened to him anyways.
Xu's mother had already worked her way through all of the stages of grief during Xu's absence. First she was angry and burned all of his scrolls. When he still didn't come home she got angrier. She blamed herself for about two minutes, but then remembered how stupid her useless son was, and then she returned to anger. After a few weeks she began to accept that he was gone, but each time she heard poetry or had to take out the garbage she got angry again. That was pretty much her grief cycle; anger, more anger, guilt, anger, acceptance, anger. She must have had the gall bladder of a tiger otherwise so much anger would have made her stroke out, but anger seemed to sustain her rather than hurt
her.
When Xu showed up for lunch six weeks late, she was happy for about three minutes. "Oh, my son, you're home! Come here, I have missed you!" About this time she remembered how angry she was, and let loose with "And you can get out of my house now!" She beat him about the head with the wooden spatula in her hand until it broke following a wonderfully swift blow to his nose. She softened a bit when she saw the blood rushing out from both nostrils, but not too much.
Xu spend much of the rest of the day apologizing, but when he told his mother he was done studying her heart finally softened. "I thought you were going to pass the imperial exam and become an official," his mother said.
"Yes, mother, I will pass the test and will bring glory to our family when I do, but before then I think I should do something to help the people of our village. Studying all day doesn't do any good unless I begin to use what I've learned."
Xu's mother thought that he had probably been abducted by demons and tortured for the last six weeks, but she was happy that at least he would be getting out of his room and doing something. In fact, if he only ended up as the village dog catcher she would be happy. He could quote poetry to the dogs as he led them away. Anything was better than Xu in his room all day, complaining of his paper cuts.
"Mother, I have met a sponsor who will help me to help the village, and then sponsor me to go to the capital and take the imperial examination. She has been wonderful to me. Can I bring her in to introduce to you?"
Now at this point it's important to point out a linguistic anomaly of the Chinese language. The words for ‘he’ and ‘she’ sound exactly the same, but are written differently. Xu's mother had no idea that his sponsor was a woman from what he told her because when she heard the word ‘her’ she just assumed that it meant ‘him.’