How to Keep a Secret

by Sarah Morgan

  No matter how bad she felt, she wasn’t about to throw herself from a moving vehicle.

  She found a tissue and blew her nose. “I’m being stupid.”

  “I doubt that.” He took the road out of town. “Start by telling me why you’re all dressed up in your smart London clothes.”

  “I had a meeting at the bank.”

  He frowned. “They made you cry?”

  “I wasn’t crying.”

  “You couldn’t see where you were going.”

  “I had things on my mind, that’s all.”

  He said nothing else until they reached the boatyard.

  He parked the car and killed the engine. “Tell me what’s on your mind. I want to know.”

  She remembered the first time she’d confided in him and the way he’d sat so still and attentive as he’d listened carefully to everything she’d said. No one had ever listened to her like that before. And she remembered the first time he’d kissed her. It had felt as if someone had lit a firework inside her. That feeling had burned up all her doubts, her hang-ups and her inhibitions.

  She stared out over the water, watching people come and go. “It’s busy. I hadn’t realized the business had grown so much.”

  “Tell me what happened at the bank.”

  “They won’t give me a loan. Without the loan I can’t start my business, and it’s frustrating because I even have my first client ready and waiting. Do you know Miranda Hillyard? She wants me to work on her beach house.”

  “I know the place. That would be a pretty big project.”

  “Beyond my wildest dreams. Unfortunately the bank thought my dreams were a little too wild.”

  Scott tapped his fingers on the wheel. “Did you tell them you had a potential client?”

  “Yes, but I have no track record and no collateral. I don’t blame them really. I wouldn’t lend me money either. I’m as upset for the others as I am for myself. We’ve all contributed something and Mom was going to help me with the design elements. She’s excited about it. The last few months we’ve all had a common purpose. And the best thing is that it was doing something I’ve always wanted to do.” She tried to explain. “Ed was always the one who earned the money and I stayed home with Mack, but I’d reached the stage where I was ready to work and do something for myself. Finally I got the qualification I needed and it felt like a new phase. I’d already made plans to set up my own business back in London.”

  “You always had a glossy magazine in your hand, usually covered in pen marks to show what you’d do differently.”

  She was surprised. “You remember that?”

  “I remember all of it.”

  So did she.

  “Ed died and the ‘new phase’ turned out to be something I hadn’t planned for. And then it seemed that maybe I might get to live out that dream after all. It almost makes it harder to handle this time because it was snatched away at the last minute.” She closed her eyes, embarrassed. “Sorry.”

  “Why are you sorry? When life is hard sometimes all you have to keep you going is dreams, and yours have been crushed. You have a right to be disappointed and upset.”

  That was how she felt. Crushed. First by the phone call from James and then by the meeting at the bank. “Life doesn’t turn out the way you plan, does it?”

  “Rarely, but in this case it can. How much do you need?”

  “Excuse me?”

  “Money. How much?”

  She’d run the numbers so many times, she knew the answer without looking. And then she realized he wasn’t asking the question out of interest. “I don’t want your money, Scott.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I need to do this by myself.”

  “You want to make life as tough as possible, is that it? If you land with your face in a puddle of water be sure to inhale?”

  “I can’t take your money. And you shouldn’t be offering. I’m a risk. If you don’t believe me, ask the bank.”

  “The bank has boxes to tick. I don’t. You have a talent and skills that are going to be in demand. The way I see it I’d be making an investment.”

  “Don’t talk to me about investments. It was Ed’s investment business that got me in this mess.” She pulled another tissue out of her bag and blew her nose. “I had a call yesterday from the executor of Ed’s estate. He’s a friend.”

  “And?”

  “It’s all finished. The bank has repossessed the house, the cars have been sent back to the lease hire companies and the furniture has been sold.” There were times when it felt surreal, as if it was happening to someone else. “It’s as if that life I had in London never existed.”

  Scott covered her hand with his. “That’s tough.”

  “I knew it was going to happen, so I don’t understand why that call made me feel so bad. I suppose it was a sharp reminder of reality.” She should probably pull her hand away, but she couldn’t bring herself to. “And a reminder that I was foolish. I trusted Ed. I should have looked more closely at the financial aspect of our lives.”

  “It’s not foolish to trust someone you love, Laurie.”

  “What did I do to make him think he couldn’t tell me? We were supposed to be a team.” She sniffed. “I can’t believe I’m discussing my marriage with you. Doesn’t it bother you, talking about Ed?”

  There was a pause. “Honestly? It makes me want to break something.”

  She gave a shocked laugh. “I’m sorry. I’ll stop.”

  “Don’t. Whatever else we were, we were always friends. I hope we still are. You were telling me about your finances.”

  “Things could be worse. James said we narrowly missed having to make the estate insolvent. We owned some artwork that did well at auction. Because of that, I have money coming to me. A sum total of £1,655. By the time I’ve paid Jenna back for the flights, I reckon Mack and I can treat ourselves to a small ice cream.”

  Scott’s hand tightened on hers. “No wonder you’re upset.”

  She gave a watery smile. “At least I’m not bankrupt, right? Still, it wasn’t enough to make the bank believe in me.”

  “I have money, Laurie, and I believe in you.”

  “Oh, Scott—” She felt as if someone was squeezing her heart. “Don’t.”

  “Don’t what?”

  “Don’t give me sympathy.”

  “I’m not giving you sympathy. I’m giving you money. Or I’m trying to.”

  She blew her nose again. “I can’t take your money, Scott. And you shouldn’t be offering.”

  “How I spend it is my decision.”

  “I’m looking out for you, that’s all. You’ll need every cent to fund yourself next time you decide to sail into the sunset.”

  “You still believe I’m going to sail into the sunset?” There was an edge to his tone that hadn’t been there earlier.

  “I know you, that’s all.”

  “If that’s what you think, then you don’t know me.” He removed his hand from hers. “You see what you want to see. I hurt you, and you can’t see beyond that.”

  She turned her head. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “Sixteen years is a long time. People change. I’ve changed.”

  “But you don’t want responsibility. You never have.”

  There was a pause as he drew in a slow breath. “How do you think I have built up the capital to make an offer on The Captain’s House? You haven’t asked me where I got the money.”

  “Capital?” She swallowed. “I assumed you were taking out a big loan. Is Charlie helping you? I’m sure he’s a generous boss.”

  He rubbed his hand over his jaw and gave her an exasperated look. “Charlie’s not the boss, Laurie, I am.”

  She stared at him. “I don’t understand.”

  “I’m the boss. I own the b
usiness. Joshua sold it to me a long time ago.”

  “You own it? But what about Charlie?”

  “Charlie didn’t want the responsibility.”

  “But neither do you!” She was confused. None of it made sense.

  His jaw tightened. “You don’t know what I want. You haven’t asked me.”

  “But if that’s true, why didn’t you say something before now?”

  “I don’t know. I don’t find these things easy to talk about. I guess I was hoping you’d see it for yourself.”

  She’d been blind. Self-absorbed. “You sailed round the world—”

  “You left,” he said flatly. “It seemed like the best option at the time.”

  She couldn’t breathe. “Are you saying you sailed round the world because of me?”

  “Being here without you drove me crazy. And sailing was always what I did to escape from problems.” He gave a humorless smile. “Except that in this case I was the problem, so I took it right along with me. Maybe I should have thrown myself overboard.”

  She didn’t laugh. How could she have gotten it so wrong? “So you came back?”

  “Having no roots didn’t seem to work, so I thought I’d try something different. Living on the boat was my compromise. I slept at sea and worked on land. The only thing I knew was boats so I figured that was what I should do. Joshua let me use the boatyard, and I built a racing yacht. She was fast. Sold her to some guy from California with more money than sense. Then I built another one. When I wasn’t busy, I helped out at the boatyard. And then Joshua had his first stroke. Charlie spent most of his time with his mother or at the hospital. I took over the boatyard for him until he was back on his feet, but when he recovered enough to make the decision, he decided he was done with it. He asked me to take over.”

  She was stunned. How could she not have known this? “The business is doing well?”

  “Yes. We have workboats, trucks and a couple of hydraulic trailers. We have customers on the cape and the islands. It’s not easy finding and keeping skilled staff, but we’ve managed it. And living on the water, my outgoings have been low. So, I’ll say this again—let me give you the money. If it makes you feel better we can call it child support. You’ve raised our daughter for the last sixteen years with no help from me.”

  Our daughter.

  “She wasn’t your responsibility.”

  “She should have been.” His tone was rough. “I had no trouble walking away from relationships, Lauren. It was something I was good at. I didn’t have any regrets either. Until I walked away from you.”

  It felt as if there was a lump in her chest. “Scott—”

  “I can’t fix what happened in the past, but I can fix this. Say yes, Laurie. You’re smart. Smart people know when to accept help.” He breathed deeply. “Take the money.”

  “I—can’t. It doesn’t feel right.”

  He swore under his breath. “You were mad at me for not stepping up, and I don’t blame you for that. But now I am stepping up and you won’t you let me. I should have done this years ago, I know that. That day on the beach when you told me you were pregnant I should have kissed you and put a ring on your finger the way he did. I should have been the one to give you that safety and security. I should have been there for you, but I wasn’t and I have to live with the knowledge that I messed up badly. And I paid the price for that decision, every time I thought of you with Ed. Laughing with Ed.” His voice thickened and his hand curled into a fist. “Sharing secrets with Ed. Sharing our daughter with Ed.” The way he said it made it sound as if he was chewing on ground glass. “I’ve learned to live with that, but what I can’t live with is the knowledge that you’re struggling now and you won’t let me help you.”

  “You thought about me with Ed?”

  “Every damn day.” He turned to her. “You think I sailed into the sunset and forgot about you? It didn’t matter where I was, you were still there with me along with the knowledge that I screwed up the most important decision of my life.”

  She couldn’t breathe. “Scott—”

  He reached out and slid his hand behind her head. “Nothing is going to erase the guilt I feel for not being there for you then, but at least let me do this for you now.” His voice was raw pain and she looked into his eyes, as rocked by emotion as he was.

  Life with Ed had been simple and easy. If she’d had to find a word to describe their marriage she would have said content. There was none of the wild seesawing of feelings she experienced with Scott. None of the highs, but none of the lows either.

  “I didn’t know,” she said. “I assumed—”

  “You assumed I was the same person I was seventeen years ago, but I can tell you that screwing up the most important decision of your life does tend to shake a person up.”

  “I loved you.” The words didn’t begin to describe the depth and intensity of her feelings.

  He rested his forehead against hers. “I loved you, too. I loved you so much I didn’t know what to do with all those feelings.”

  Her cheeks were wet with tears. “I kept hoping you’d wake up one morning and realize you’d make a great father. Better than most because you’d lived alongside so many examples of bad parenting. I kept watching the harbor, hoping to see your boat. Hoping you’d change your mind.”

  There was a long silence.

  She could hear him breathing and see the indecision in his eyes.

  “Scott?”

  He released her suddenly and leaned his head back against the seat. “I did, but by then it was too late. You were already with Ed.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Two weeks after you told me you were pregnant, I came back. I intended to talk to you, to see if we could find a way to make it work, although I don’t know what the hell I thought would happen. Fatherhood isn’t exactly something you try on for size and if it doesn’t fit you get to give it back.”

  “You came back, but you didn’t come and find me?”

  “I did.” His voice was thick. “You were on the beach with Ed.”

  She tried to remember, but those early days after Scott had left had been a blur. What had he seen? What had he thought? “Why didn’t you come and talk to me?”

  “Because the two of you were holding hands and someone nearby said wasn’t it romantic because it had been such a whirlwind. By the time I’d worked out what I wanted, it was too late.”

  She felt a rush of despair. She hadn’t been holding hands with Ed, as much as clinging. She’d been drowning, and he’d been the only solid thing within reach. “So you decided on the strength of that one glimpse not to even let me know you’d had a change of heart?”

  “You’d already agreed to marry Ed. I assumed you were in love with him.”

  “I was in love with you. How could you have thought that would change?”

  He stared straight ahead. “I guess I got used to people leaving. Not wanting me. My birth mother, and all the foster families I lived with afterward. My whole life, all I saw was people changing their minds about me. I didn’t know what permanence was. I didn’t know what commitment was. I did know it was a hell of a lot easier to walk away than to stay. When I saw that you’d moved on, I guess in a way it was what I’d expected.”

  She lifted her hand to her throat, finding it hard to breathe. He’d come back. He’d changed his mind. “I hadn’t moved on. I was right there.”

  “With him. And that was a good decision. And the fact that you didn’t see me was probably for the best, too.” He put his hand on the wheel and gripped it tightly even though they weren’t going anywhere. “If you’d seen me that day, you might have walked away from Ed and that would have been the wrong thing to do.”

  “How can you say that?”

  “Because you needed security. You deserved that. You would have been giving up a sure thing for a
bad risk.”

  She saw the tension in his shoulders.

  “You weren’t a bad risk. We could have—”

  “No.” He pressed his fingers to his forehead and shook his head. “We’re not doing this. We will never know how that would have turned out and there’s no point in guessing. If I’d stayed, I might still have messed it up. Mack had stability. You gave her that. We’re going to accept that and move forward. I want to lend you money. I want you to take it.”

  How could she say no? How could she possibly say no when there was so much emotion behind the gesture?

  “I’ll take it.” She choked out the words. “Thank you.”

  “There’s something else I want.”

  Her heart kicked against her ribs. “Scott—”

  “Not that.” His gaze dropped to her mouth. “At least, not yet. I want to be part of Mack’s life. I want to play a proper role. I want to share her with you. I want to be there for the bad bits and the good bits.”

  She managed a laugh. “Are you sure? Be prepared to have your heart ripped open on a regular basis.”

  A shadow crossed his face. “I’ve had practice.”

  “We’ll have to talk to her about it—”

  “Could we do that together?” He sounded unsure and she felt her heart break all over again.

  Rejection was all he’d known.

  “Whatever happened to sailing the world in your boat, relishing having no ties or responsibilities?”

  “Some ties are good.”

  Did he mean that? And would he still mean it in a week or a month?

  Ignoring the questions in her head, she leaned in and wrapped her arms round him. “I didn’t know you came back. I can’t bear that you thought I rejected you.” She buried her face in his shoulder and he cursed softly.

  “Don’t cry.” He cupped her face in his hands. “I hate it when you cry.”

  “I can’t bear the thought of you torturing yourself imagining me with Ed.”

  “I’m glad you had a good relationship. A good marriage. I mean that. I wanted only the best for you. It’s what you deserved. It’s what you still deserve.”