by Sarah Morgan
Her heart started to pound.
Tears stung her eyes. “She’s going to tell him they can’t be together because of me, isn’t she?”
“Is that what you’d want?”
“No! I don’t know. I don’t know what I want. It’s not like it’s my choice.” She didn’t want to forget Ed, but nor did she want Scott to sail out of her life.
“That’s where you’re wrong. You’ve made excellent choices since you’ve been here. You settled into a new school, and you’ve grabbed opportunities that came your way. You joined the Coding Club. Because of that you found yourself some friends, a new passion, maybe even a future career.”
She hadn’t thought of it like that.
“I guess some things have turned out okay.”
“How about I pour us both some lemonade?” Nancy reached out a hand and pulled Mack to her feet. “We can sit outside in the garden.”
Mack was sitting in the garden with delicious lemonade and one of Jenna’s cookies when her mother arrived home.
The guilt returned with a rush.
Her grandmother was right about one thing. Her mom was always there for her. No matter how much Mack yelled or stomped off or said mean things. Her mom was always in her corner.
Mack noticed she had her “London look” about her. She wore tailored pants, a silk shirt and a simple gold necklace Mack recognized as one Ed had given her at Christmas.
She remembered her grandmother’s words about how hard things had been for her mom since Ed died.
“Hi, Mom.” She saw anxiety in her mother’s eyes and felt guilty because she knew she was the one responsible.
“Hi, sweetheart.”
The endearment almost cracked her heart open. “Grams made homemade lemonade. Do you want some? There’s more in the fridge.” She was going to do better, she promised herself. She was going to stop thinking about herself all the time. She wanted to start by saying sorry, but she didn’t know where to begin. “I’ll fetch you some.”
“I’ll fetch it,” Nancy said, “but first tell me how your meeting with the bank went.” She stood up and gestured to her chair. “Sit down. You look exhausted.”
“The meeting with the bank didn’t go so well,” Lauren said and Mack noticed her mom’s mascara was smudged.
“They said no?”
“Oh, those stupid people.” Nancy sounded cross. “How long have the Stewarts lived on this island? I’ve a mind to call them up myself and give them my opinion.”
“Don’t. It isn’t necessary.”
Mack wondered how her mother could possibly think that. “Without the money, you can’t start the business. And that business is your dream.” Suddenly it mattered very much that her mom had a dream, too. “Maybe we could call Aunt Jenna. Four heads are good, right? We have to find another way.”
“There is another way. Scott wants to loan us the money.” The look she gave Mack was cautious, even a little nervous. “It’s his way of stepping up and helping.”
Nancy nodded approvingly. “I hope you said yes.”
Lauren didn’t answer right away. “Do you mind if I talk to Mack for a minute?”
Mack’s heart sank. Her mom was going to lose it with her, and she deserved it. Was she going to tell her that Scott had been so appalled by her childish explosion he’d set sail to the Bahamas?
“I’ll fetch that lemonade,” Nancy said and Mack waited, miserable, as her grandmother vanished into the Sail Loft.
Her mother was twisting the ring on her finger. Ed’s ring.
“Mack, there’s something I need to—”
“Me first.” Mack blurted the words out. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry for all of it. For yelling at you. For yelling at Scott. For behaving like a brat when you were dealing with so much, for being so difficult and h-horrible to you—” Tears started to fall, flowing like a river in full flood. She gulped and swallowed, tasting salt on her lips and on her tongue and then her mother was hugging her tightly, rocking her as she’d done when Mack was a child.
“Don’t cry, sweetheart. Don’t cry.”
The love in her voice made Mack cry even harder.
How could her mother possibly forgive her so easily?
“I’ve been h-horrid, and you keep forgiving me and being there and trying to help and I’m such a mean person.”
“You’re not a mean person. It’s not you that’s horrid, it’s the situation.” Lauren smoothed Mack’s damp hair away from her face and kissed her forehead. “You’re a good person, and you’ve had to deal with more than any person should.”
“But you’ve had to deal with it all, too, and you’ve had to deal with me, and I made it worse instead of better.” She was choking on her tears, gulping air in between sobs, breathing in the mix of her mother’s floral scent and the sea breeze. There was nothing on earth that smelled as good as her mother. She smelled like home and safety. She smelled like love.
“Oh, Mack, you make everything better. All of it. If it weren’t for you, I don’t know how I’d carry on.”
Mack clung to her mother. “How can you say that after the things I said earlier?”
“You were upset. Understandably so. And I’m sorry you saw that because I wouldn’t have wanted you to.”
Mack noticed her mother didn’t say she was sorry she’d kissed Scott.
She eased away and took a juddering breath. “Has he gone?”
“Gone?”
“Scott. He’s probably packing the boat right now so that he and Captain can sail to a place that doesn’t have a teenage population.”
“Is that what you want him to do?”
“No.” She rubbed her hand over her face. “I like him, but I’m sure he hates me now. He’s probably thinking he did the right thing leaving before I was born.”
“He’s not thinking that, and Scott’s leaving had nothing to do with you. He’s never been part of a family the way we have. He doesn’t know what it’s like to have people stick by you, no matter what. To be able to be yourself and make mistakes and know you’ll still be loved. He was scared out of his mind.”
Mack couldn’t imagine Scott being scared of anything. “He’s very strong. He can do a hundred push-ups without breaking into a sweat. And he has this quiet way about him that makes you pay attention. Cal in the boatyard told me he once broke up a fight just by walking into the bar. He didn’t say a word, but they all took one look at him and backed away. I get that. What I don’t get is him being scared of anything.”
“There are different types of scared. Scott was terrified of letting me down, and terrified of letting you down but most of all terrified of letting himself down and finding out he couldn’t be the person he was trying so hard to be.”
“That’s crazy. Scott is great. He’s so calm.”
“He wasn’t calm after you yelled. He was worried he’d messed it up and driven you away.”
Mack sniffed. “He’s worried about driving me away?”
“Yes, so I don’t think you’re going to be able to shake him off that easily. He is trying very hard to get it right this time.”
The relief was enormous. “I am sorry, Mom. I should have thought more about you. I should have made you tea in bed and stuff.”
Lauren laughed. “No, not that!”
Mack eased away and gave a watery grin. “What’s wrong with my tea?”
“You make terrible tea.”
“Sometimes I boil the water and forget about it, so by the time I make the tea the water isn’t hot but I wouldn’t call it terrible exactly.”
“It’s terrible. Even thinking about it makes my stomach roll.” Lauren leaned in and gave her another hug and Mack closed her eyes.
“Mom?”
“Mmm?”
“If you and Scott—well, you know—I mean that’s okay.”
&n
bsp; “We’re not anything. I was upset because of that meeting at the bank and other things and Scott is a good listener and somehow things—” There was a pause. “Believe me, Mack, there is nothing that you’re thinking that I haven’t already thought. It’s too soon, all wrong. How could I do this to Ed? It’s not fair to you.”
Her grandmother was right. Her mom thought about everyone but herself. “How about you?”
“What about me?”
“You’re thinking about Ed and you’re thinking about me—but what about what you want? You’re important, too. What you want matters.” Mack felt her cheeks burn. “You have a right to be happy, Mom. I want you to be happy and Ed would have wanted that, too.” And she was going to find a way to get that pause button installed on her feelings. “And while we’re on the subject, the things I said about Ed not being my dad. I didn’t mean that. He was totally my dad. I mean, he took me to swimming lessons every Saturday and that must have been pretty boring.” She was relieved to see her mother smile.
“He loved you. He would have done anything for you. You were the child he’d always wanted.” Lauren paused. “Ed couldn’t have children of his own, Mack, and he wanted them badly. He wanted you.”
Mack felt a stab of shock and sadness. “He couldn’t have them? That’s why I never got a baby brother or sister?”
“That’s right.” Her mother rubbed her arm gently. “But it didn’t matter because we had you. Ed thought of you as his daughter in every way.”
Mack felt as if a big lump had lodged itself behind her ribs. “It would have been nice to have known that, so I could have been better at it.” It made her feel bad to think about the times she’d been less than perfect.
“Oh, honey, you were you and he loved you. He wouldn’t have wanted you to be different.”
Mack felt her eyes sting again. “I wish now that I’d made him breakfast on his birthday. I was difficult to live with,” she muttered. “Do you think it was my fault he had a heart attack?”
“What? No!” Her mother sounded horrified. “Is that what you’ve been thinking?”
“Occasionally.” Mack gave an awkward shrug. Her mind was such a mess these days she couldn’t untangle any of it.
“Ed had heart disease. A damaged valve. That was what the report said. Nothing you said or did had any influence on what happened. The doctor said he was a ticking bomb.” Her grip on Mack’s hand tightened. “Sometimes, when someone dies, we blame ourselves. We’re trying to find a reason, but not everything has a reason. I blamed myself, too.”
“You?”
“Yes. For not insisting that he go to the doctor when he said he felt tired all the time. I should have made the appointment myself.”
“Dad was always useless at going to the doctor.” They exchanged a look of shared understanding.
“He really was.”
“I wish now I’d talked to you right away when I found my birth certificate.”
“We shouldn’t have kept it from you.”
Mack thought about what Nancy had said about never wanting your child to be unhappy. That made sense to her. And even if she might have argued that it was the wrong thing to do, she couldn’t argue with the sentiment behind the decision. Love. Who could argue with that? “You were trying to protect me. I get that. You wanted me to feel secure. I guess decisions aren’t always black-and-white.” It felt like an epiphany. Maybe it wasn’t so awful that she didn’t know what she wanted to do with her life yet. Maybe it was unrealistic to expect an answer to pop into her head. And maybe she wasn’t as bad a person as she thought she was.
Lauren sighed. “I loved Ed a great deal. I want you to know that. We had a good marriage and I have no doubt at all that if he hadn’t died we would have stayed married. I loved Ed, but I also loved Scott. I loved him in a way I didn’t think it was possible to love. I loved him so much that I couldn’t even be angry that he didn’t want us to be together. I understood him. I understood why. But I also wanted the best for you. I wanted you to have a stable home and love. After what I experienced with my own father, I wanted yours to be reliable.”
But he hadn’t been reliable, Mack thought. In the end Ed had let her mother down.
“Did everything in London have to be sold?”
“Yes. James called last night. Everything has finally been tied up.”
Mack wondered if that was another reason her mom was so upset. “So the house is gone and everything?”
“All of it.”
“That sucks.”
Her mother gave a tired smile. “It does, although part of me is pleased it’s over. It’s been hanging over me.”
Mack ached inside. She’d had no idea her mom was even thinking about that. “You must feel terrible. What about Nana? Has she been in touch?”
“No. I think she’s still very angry with me. And hurt.”
“But Ed knew everything, and Ed loved you. I mean, she could have blamed him for keeping it a secret. Why you?”
“She’s grieving. I hope that in time she might soften a little. This is tough on everyone.”
“Do you think I should write to her?”
“Would you like to?”
Mack thought about it. “I guess I would. I think Dad would have wanted me to.”
“I think so, too. I’ll give you her address.”
“She was so mean to you and you lost everything.”
“Not everything. I have you and Aunt Jenna and Grams. I have this place, this island. I still have hopes and dreams.”
And Scott, Mack thought. They still had Scott.
Mack thought about the life she had here. She thought about waking up in the morning to the sound of the ocean and the call of the birds. “I guess the life we have here isn’t so bad.” You virtually had to write a suicide note before you went cycling in London, but here she cycled everywhere and it gave her a sense of freedom. “Mom?”
“Yes, honey.”
“I think Grams might be in love with Ben.” She saw her mother smile.
“I hope you’re right.”
“You wouldn’t mind?”
“Mind that my mother finally finds happiness? I think it would be great, don’t you? They have been seeing a lot of each other, that’s true. I wonder if they’re—”
“No!” Mack held up her hand. “Don’t go there, I beg you.”
“You’re right. It’s never a good idea to think about one’s parents having sex.”
“And for me it’s grandparents, so—enough said.” Mack shuddered. “As long as I don’t bump into him in the night on my way to the bathroom.”
Nancy appeared at that moment with a jug of lemonade in her hand. “So are you going to take Scott up on his offer?”
Lauren held a glass steady while her mother poured. “Taking a loan from him ties him into our lives.”
“That’s good, isn’t it? It will stop him sailing off when I say the wrong thing and irritate him.” Mack flushed as her mother looked directly at her. “And anyway he’s already in our lives.”
“He wants to be more involved. He’d like to see more of you.”
“After what I said to him earlier?”
“Yes. What do you think?”
Mack tested the idea out in her head and decided she liked it a lot. “I guess that would work. Maybe the three of us could go sailing together. If you could handle that.”
“She’ll handle it.” Nancy topped up Mack’s glass. “And you’ll take that loan. To Coastal Chic and the future. And speaking of the future, I have news, too.”
“What news?”
“I’ve decided to sell The Captain’s House after all.”
Mack saw her mother frown.
“You’re selling to Scott?”
“I offered it to him, but he has other plans now so I’m going to talk to a Realtor.
After all our hard work someone might like to buy it as a rental property. I wanted to discuss it with you first. I told Jenna this morning while we were making adjustments to the website.”
“Why wouldn’t Scott want it?” Mack sipped her lemonade. “Or maybe he can’t buy it and loan you the money.”
“Are you sure, Mom?” Lauren said. “After all these years of battling to keep it in the family?”
“Exactly. I’m tired of battling. Where does it say that life has to be a battle? I want a more peaceful existence, and I want my life to be full of the things I want, not the things I’m keeping out of obligation to others or some ridiculous sense of responsibility. That house is too big for me. It doesn’t fit with this new phase of my life. I’m going to live right here in the Sail Loft. Ben is going to help me design a garden that is going to be the talk of the island.”
Ben.
Mack caught her mother’s eye.
It was difficult to imagine people falling in love when they were as old as her grandmother, but it probably happened, didn’t it?
Did people of that age still have sex or did they just hold hands?
Scarlet faced, she drank her lemonade.
Being an adult was one thing, but some thoughts were definitely off-limits.
34
Jenna
Acceptance: an attitude or feeling that you
cannot change a difficult situation and that
you must get used to it
“We saw the doctor.” Jenna pressed her hands to the floor, wondering why she’d agreed to yoga. “Is this something I should be telling you while I’m doing downward-facing dog?”
Ungainly: lacking grace when moving.
Lauren glanced at her. “You’re not supposed to be talking,” she whispered. “You’re supposed to relax.”
“Talking relaxes me. She wanted to know everything about our sex life. It was a bit kinky.” She stopped talking as the yoga instructor came up behind her.
“Press down into your hands. Keep your breathing steady.”
Jenna’s legs were starting to cramp.