by Nicola Haken
“Chauvinist much?” she teased. “I’ve got some work to do at the garage first and we’ve got that guy coming around about us taking over his fleet.”
“Shit, yeah. I forgot about that. Will you be okay on your own? I can stop by after Chris’ appointment if you need me. I’ll put Maz and Patricia off for an hour or two?”
“No, really there’s no need. I’ll probably be back by then anyway. But in all honesty we really need to start manning the place for full days. We’re missing out on walk-in opportunities by closing when there’s nothing booked in.”
“I know, doll. But don’t worry about it – there’s been so much personal shit going on lately and it’s hard to juggle the two. But we’ll get there. This is just the beginning, remember?”
“I know you’re right. I just want this to be a success. I want to do Chris proud.”
“You already are.” Chris’ voice came from behind, startling us both.
“Bloody hell, Chris, I almost crapped my knickers!”
“Think of it as practice for when I come and tease you from the other side.”
“Don’t you dare. If there is another side don’t even think about trying to reach me. I won’t find it comforting, just terrifying.”
“I’ll think about it,” Chris teased. “But I’ll be listening. So make sure you don’t badmouth me or I’ll take great pleasure in haunting you!”
“Okay,” I interrupted. “Hate to break up this sibling squabble thing you’ve got going on, but we’re gonna be late, man.”
“Yeah, yeah,” Chris grumbled. “I’m ready. Just let me grab my coat.”
Chris disappeared into the hallway so I used the opportunity to kiss my girl. Taking her face in my hands I swept my tongue across her lip and moaned into her mouth. I was hard instantly, and I pushed my hips forward so she could feel how badly she affected me.
“Down, Percy,” she whispered into my lips before smiling against them.
“Now who’s holding us up?” Chris whined in the doorway.
“I’m coming, jackass!” I said, rolling my eyes. Then I gave Emily one last peck before leaning into her ear.
“Don’t ever forget that I love you,” I whispered.
“Ditto.”
**********
Naturally because I was heading out I grabbed the keys for my bike. Almost immediately I had second thoughts however, unsure of how well Chris’ weakening arms could support himself on the back. So I swapped them for the van keys and we got going. Chris struggled hitching his body inside so I supported his arms and gave him a push up. Yeah, he definitely wouldn’t have made it on my bike.
When we got to the hospital we were kept waiting for over thirty minutes. Chris sat forward with his elbows on his knees and his feet tapping against the floor the whole time. Shit these fucking doctors know how to build up suspense. They’re in the wrong profession – they should be out there making horror movies.
When we were finally called in I noticed Chris’ fingers trembling a little. I didn’t know if it was due to nerves or just another symptom of his body starting to close down. I suspected it was probably both. As usual, Chris took up the chair on the left nearest the doctor’s desk, and I took the one on the right. From the second the doctor’s eyes made contact with Chris’, it was obvious he didn’t have good news. But then, is there even such a thing as good news in this situation?
“Chris,” he began in a solemn voice – further indication that this was bad news. “Your tumor has started to spread. The scan yesterday showed quite a significant spread into the surrounding brain tissue, and also an indication that it is spreading to your spinal cord.”
Fuck. The thing is eating him alive.
“Okay,” Chris said, acting a hell of a lot calmer than I was feeling. “So what does this mean? What can I expect from now on?”
“As you know it’s already started to affect your memory. It is likely that will continue to worsen. Your vision may also become affected, along with other sensory functions such as hearing and smell. In fact it’s not uncommon for patients in your situation to smell burning, or smoke.”
“What about my spine?”
“We’ll keep you as comfortable as we can with pain relieving drugs. Your Macmillan nurse can provide you with those at your home.”
“So just pain? It’s not going to stop me being able to walk or anything?”
“Do you want me to be honest, Chris?”
“Of course.”
“I don’t think it will get that far.”
“You mean… I’ll be dead before then, right?”
“Yes. Yes I think so. I’m very sorry.”
While they continued their conversation I just sat back, swallowing repeatedly and refusing to let myself blink, knowing if I did, the tears balancing precariously on the edge of my eyes would fall.
“Am I going to end up a vegetable?” Chris asked just as I thought we were done here. The doctor sighed, twiddling with his pen.
“It’s impossible to say.”
“Give it to me straight. Please, doc.”
“Well,” he began, sucking in a deep breath. “You could lose your sight. You could suffer some kind of paralysis depending on how fast the cancer travels through your spine. You could lose your memory completely, lose control of your bowels and bladder, or experience a stroke which can cause any of those symptoms by itself. But you could also carry on just as you are until the very end. It’s all if’s and maybe’s I’m afraid, Chris. Only time will tell.”
“Okay. Thank you for your honesty.”
“I’m sorry I don’t have better news for you,” the doctor said sincerely, offering his hand for Chris to shake as we all stood up. “You’re under the care of the community nurses now, but of course if you or any of your family have any questions or concerns then please, don’t hesitate to contact us.”
“So that’s it?” I interrupted, feeling a little baffled. “You’re signing him off now? You’re not going to keep helping him?”
“There’s nothing left they can do for me here, Dex,” Chris said, clapping my shoulder. “It’s just a waiting game now. Right, doc?”
“I’m afraid so. Yes.”
I blew out a breath, feeling like the wind had been punched from my lungs. Of course I knew this was inevitable, but to hear they are officially giving up on him – sending him home to die? Fuck that was hard to hear and even harder to process.
“Thanks, doctor,” Chris said, effectively ending our time here. “For everything you’ve done for me.”
“You’re welcome. I’m sorry things didn’t turn out differently for you.”
“Yeah,” Chris agreed, emotion making his voice waver. “Me too.”
**********
“I’m so sorry, man,” I muttered pathetically, starting up the van ready to take us home.
“I knew it was coming,” he said weakly, shrugging. “I’m ready, Dex. Really I am. The only thing I wish for now is that death comes before I turn into a fucking cabbage. I don’t want that – for me or for you guys.”
“Whatever happens, we’ll be right by your side, dude.”
“I wrote a will last week,” Chris said out of nowhere, changing the subject. I raised my eyebrow and flashed him a quick glance before fixing my eyes back on the road. “I had a solicitor come round to the house and draw it up while you and Emmie were at the garage.”
“Um, okay.” What was I supposed to say? ‘Hell yeah what am I getting?’
“Our parents set up trust funds for Emmie and me when we were born… well obviously just my dad did Emmie’s. Emmie will get hers on her next birthday when she’s twenty-one. As you know I haven’t had the best relationship with my dad, therefore pride and stubbornness stopped me touching mine. It’s currently sitting at thirty grand. That will be transferred to Emmie’s account when I’m gone.
“Obviously the house is rented, but I’ve spoken with the landlord and he’s up for selling for quite a reasonable price. That money co
uld set you in good stead for a mortgage if you guys want something more permanent… or you could throw it into the business… I don’t care what you guys do with it. I just hope it’ll give your future together a jump start.”
“Jesus, Chris… I don’t know what to say.”
“This van is yours too. It’s all paid for you’ll just need to change the ownership with the DVLA. I don’t have much else, but if anything crops up I made sure to note that it goes straight to Emmie.”
“Does Em know about this?”
“No. She’ll find out soon enough I suppose.”
Wow. Just…wow.
We drove the rest of the way in silence. Chris kept nodding off but the bumps in the road would cause his neck to jerk back up. After putting the van in park outside our house, I hopped out and headed straight to Chris’ side to help him out. He used my shoulder as support and muttered a ‘thanks, mate’ as he stepped down. I stepped aside so he could pass me and before I’d even closed the door, someone jumped on my back.
“Dexter!” Marianne sang, clinging to me like a spider monkey. Then she jumped off my back and I spun around to face her, smiling in surprise.
“You’re here! I wasn’t expecting you until later,” I said, bringing her into a hug and squeezing her tight. It felt so natural to hug her like this… as if she’d always been my sister. Which she has of course, we just didn’t know it.
“Emily picked us up.”
“She did, did she?”
“Yeah. I really like her,” she continued, pulling out of our hug.
“Me too. She’s kinda special isn’t she?”
“And beautiful too. I thought she dyed her hair but she said it’s just naturally that red. I wish my hair was that color, but mine is boring brown. Like yours.”
“Hey, the brown’s always worked for me, lil sis. The ladies love it,” I teased, winking at her. “Come on, kid. Let’s head inside and see your mom.”
“She’s a lot happier these days,” Marianne said as we made our way down the path leading to the house.
“Have you seen him?” I asked, knowing I didn’t need to say his name for her to know who I meant. Our father.
“No. I think Mom has but she won’t tell me. I don’t really want to see him. Mom is so much happier. I get to go out more. I’ve got friends and am doing great at school.”
“What about guy friends?” I teased, nudging her shoulder as my hand reached out for the front door.
“Maybe.” Bless her. She shrugged and her face heated to fifty shades of red.
“Well he better treat you right or he’ll have your big brother to deal with.”
“You live too far away,” she replied as we stepped into the house.
“Hey, I’m only an airplane ride away. If anyone ever messes you around, you call me and I’ll be there. Got it?”
“Got it.” She smiled coyly up at me and I winked at her again. “Thanks, Dexter.”
All eyes were on us as we stepped into the living room.
“Dexter,” Patricia cooed, standing up to great me. She took hold of my hand and pressed it between hers and I’d be lying if I said it didn’t weird me out a little. I didn’t get the memo about us becoming best buddies. “It’s so lovely to see you again.”
“And you, Patricia,” I replied, because really what else could I say?
“I’ll go and make us some more drinks,” Emily offered, picking up the empty mugs on the coffee table.
“Where’s Chris?” I asked.
“He said hi and took himself straight to bed. How’d it go at the hospital?”
“We’ll talk about that later.”
“Oh,” she replied, nodding in understanding. My expression must’ve conveyed that it wasn’t good news. “Right. Drinks.”
“Hey, Maz, why don’t you go give Emily a hand.”
“Sure,” she said eagerly. She’s a great kid.
When they were out of the room and therefore out of earshot, I turned to Patricia.
“Have you seen him?” Again, I didn’t feel the need to mention his name.
“Twice. The last time he wanted to tell me he’d filed for divorce.” I took a moment to contemplate her words. Last time I saw him he was lying in a drunken heap in the middle of the park in clothes that hadn’t been washed in days. Hardly in a position to arrange a divorce. “He’s moved on to the next poor woman – a doctor I believe.”
“Wow,” I muttered uncomprehendingly.
“I thought about finding her and warning her, but I just couldn’t face it. I’ve finally got out… I can’t bring myself to willingly go anywhere near him. I guess that makes me really selfish.”
“It doesn’t. Not at all. Think about it – would you have listened if my mom had warned you about him?”
“No,” she admitted after taking a pause to stare guiltily down at her knees. “No I wouldn’t. I loved him. He was loving and attentive… I never would’ve believed that he could’ve been capable of anything less.”
“Drinks service!” Emily sang merrily on her way into the room, a little louder than necessary to alert us to her presence I suspected. Emily lowered my and her mug onto the table and then Marianne did the same with hers and Patricia’s.
We soon settled into comfortable conversation – mainly about Marianne. We discussed her new school and new friends, talked about her plans for her fourteenth birthday even though it was months away, and ended with her giving her thoughts on the UK. Cold and different cropped up in the middle of that somewhere.
They were already aware of Chris’ situation seeing as we text a lot and talk on the phone when we can, but they were both surprised to hear how fast he was going downhill. I didn’t discuss this morning’s appointment however. Emily needed to be alone when she heard that news for the first time.
“Shiiiiit,” Marianne muttered at one point while listening to us talk about Chris. Naturally Patricia’s eyes flew to her daughter’s and narrowed.
“Marianne!” she scolded, before turning to me and Emily to apologize.
“No worries. I’m sure she says a lot worse when you’re not around,” I teased, sticking my tongue out at Marianne. I could tell by the death glare she gave me if her mom hadn’t been sitting right next to her she would’ve told me to go fuck myself.
“So,” Patricia began, picking up her purse from the floor as she started getting ready to leave. “We originally planned to stay a few weeks, but my department can’t cover me for that long. We’ll be heading back out Sunday.”
“Oh,” I said, feeling a pang of disappointment. “Okay. Well Em and I will give you a ride to the airport.”
“You don’t have to do that.”
“I want to. I want to spend as much time with Maz as possible – even if she is pissed with me right now,” I said jokily, winking at her again. “And hey, maybe we can come and visit you guys next time?”
“Of course!” Patricia agreed with a seemingly genuine, delighted smile. “You’re always welcome. You’ll love Phoenix, and now we have our own house over there we have enough spare rooms to accommodate you. You’d only need to pay for flights.”
“Sounds good, huh, doll?”
“Definitely,” Emily said with a fake smile that never reached her eyes. Of course she couldn’t think of anything beyond Chris right now. Feeling like an insensitive jackass I gave her an apologetic smile.
“Well, we best be getting back,” Patricia started.
“Can we hang out tomorrow, Dexter?” Marianne chipped in.
“You bet,” I answered. “I’ve got to head into work in the morning but I can pick you up after lunch and we’ll head out somewhere. You choose.”
“Hmm,” she pondered. “Well I don’t know anywhere around here but I’m guessing the Brit’s have movie theatres right?”
“Yeah,” I said, laughing. “They even have TV’s and cell phones. Can you believe it?”
“Well how was I supposed to know? Everything’s so weird over here. You know they call
an elevator a lift? What’s that all about?”
“Hey, I never said they don’t say things stupidly.”
“Oi!” Em interrupted, with a genuine smile on her face this time.
“Have you heard the way they say vitamins? Or tomatoes?” I added, making Emily roll her eyes playfully at me. “And don’t ever tell a British chick you’re bringing her chips, unless you mean fries. Turns out they don’t take too kindly to that shit,” I teased, thinking back to Snickers’ tantrum back in Blackpool.
“Noted,” Marianne said, giggling a little.
With that, Patricia gathered her coat and draped it over her arm, preparing to leave.
“Let me give you a lift,” Emily offered, standing up too.
“No, honestly. We’ve taken up enough of your time today. I have a card in my purse with the number for a local cab company. If I could just use your phone, I’ll call them.”
“If you’re sure?” Emily didn’t offer again and I suspected it was because she wanted to talk with me about the outcome of Chris’ appointment.
“Definitely,” Patricia reassured.
Emily pointed in the direction of the phone on the small table by the door, but upon noticing the card in Patricia’s hand she jumped in before she had a chance to dial.
“Oh no, you don’t want to call those. They’re a rip off.” Emily headed back to the coffee table and rifled through the magazines until she found the notebook hidden between them. “Do you have a pen handy?” Patricia nodded and plucked a pen out of her purse before passing it to Emily. “Here,” Emily began as she started scribbling some numbers down. “Call these. They’re much cheaper and friendlier too.”
“Thank you,” Patricia said, smiling gratefully as she took the small square of paper from Emily.
Their cab took just a few minutes to arrive, and after another round of hugs and handshaking, Patricia and Marianne left. The first thing I did after closing the door behind them was scoop Emily up in my arms and carry her to the couch. After lowering her down onto it, I settled in beside her and clamped my mouth to hers.