by Nicola Haken
“Yeah, Jaz… ‘cause that’s just the same. Kitten – human. Pet – brother…” she went on, using her hands as if she were literally weighing up the importance of each option.
“You know what I mean,” he grumbled.
“Well you guys are welcome to stay in here and hide from the doom and gloom,” Dexter began. “But I need to take Emily upstairs for something.”
“Mate, she’s burying her brother in an hour,” Jared said disapprovingly, scrunching his nose a little.
“Not for that, dipshit,” Dexter retorted, swiping Jared’s shoulder with a dishcloth from the counter. “Come on, doll,” he added, holding out his hand. “I need to show you something.”
I didn’t ask what, even though it was all I could think about as he led me up the stairs and to our bedroom. I sat anxiously on the edge of the bed, watching curiously as Dexter fumbled through the chest of drawers. He pulled out a white envelope and looked at it mournfully for a few seconds before handing it over to me. When I took it, he clamped his hand over mine, preventing me digging straight in.
“Chris gave me this a few weeks ago. He said I’m to give it to you on the morning of his funeral.”
“W-what is it?” I stuttered nervously.
“I don’t know, doll. It was sealed and I wouldn’t betray his trust or yours by thinking it’s any of my business. Now, do you want me to stay, or leave you alone while you open it?”
“Um… stay,” was all I could choke out as I patted the space beside me on the mattress. Following my cue, Dexter sank down next to me, giving me a little space while I stuck my finger under the small gap in the paper, and hesitantly tore the letter free from the envelope. Taking a gulp of air, I looked down at Chris’ handwriting and started to read…
Emmie,
If Dexter’s done as he was told you’re probably getting ready to bury me right now. But hey, you better not be crying, squirt! Well not too much anyway. If I look down on you and don’t see a single tear I’ll be kind of offended ;-)
I’m writing this now while I’ve still got my marbles, because who knows when or if they’ll disappear on me. I just wanted to thank you for being an amazing sister. You’ve always been more than family to me, Emmie. Despite our age gap I’ve always thought of you as one of my best friends. You’ve always seen the best in me, loved me and supported me even when I behaved like an arse. And it’s not just me – I see you do the same for everyone, because that’s just who you are.
You’ve grown into such a strong and compassionate woman and I’m so bloody proud of you. It gutted me when I found out how miserable you’d been growing up, yet it also amazed me that despite that, you still hold the power to love and care so deeply.
Now for Dex. I can’t tell you how happy it makes me to see you settled before I go. You’re still so young, so technically it should’ve been more likely for me to have to leave you alone. But I’m not. I’m leaving you in the hands of someone I know loves you just as much as I do. I know he will take care of you and protect you, maybe even better than I ever could. When I first found out what was going on in the states I had never wanted to choke the life out of another human being so badly. But at that point I already knew my time was running out – I HAD to give him a chance to prove himself. I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to see you happy, no matter how slim I believed that chance to be at the time.
But Dexter has exceeded all my expectations. He sorted himself out, for you as much as himself. He’s continued to prove himself every single day. The way I catch him looking at you is all I need to know he loves you more than his own life. He’s worked so damn hard, not just at the garage but at living. Despite the relatively short time I’ve known him, I consider him not only my best friend, but my brother. I feel safe in the knowledge he will love you like you deserve, Emmie, and so I’m no longer afraid to leave you. You’re not alone, and you will never know how much easier that thought makes this situation.
The same goes for Rachel. You two couldn’t be more different yet I’ve always looked at her as my little sister too. Obviously I don’t know Jared as well as Dex, but he has that same look in his eye when he looks at Rachel, and that’s enough for me. You two are so lucky you know… Love doesn’t bless that many of us, not ‘real’ love, not the kind you two have found. Never let go of that, Emmie. Never take it for granted. But hey, enough depressing shit.
I still can’t believe Rachel is going to be a mum. I swear that’s the thing I’m most gutted about, that I won’t get to watch her raise those kids. I have no doubt it will be an interesting and, let’s face it, hilarious journey to witness. She and Jared will make the most amazing yet unconventional parents. You have fun on my behalf watching them try to handle that shit, okay? And don’t forget to tell those kids about how awesome their uncle Chris was too ;-)
Even Dad has found someone to look out for him. Fast worker, I’ll give him that. But Dexter’s aunt is a great woman, possibly too good for Dad so he better not hurt her. Having said that, I need you to know that I’ve forgiven him absolutely, and I hope you can too. I’ve had some pretty deep conversations with him lately. He’s been lost for so long, Emmie. It doesn’t excuse all the shit decisions he’s made over the years, but it kind of makes me understand them at least. Give him a chance – just one mind you. But… I really don’t think he’ll let you down again. If he does, I will haunt the bastard into an early grave.
As for Jocelyn… I don’t know what to say about her. I don’t know what it is you want from her… if anything at all. I never knew she was anything but a loving, even if slightly strict mother to you and when I found out the truth about your childhood I hated her. I hated her so much I wished we could trade places and it would be her dying from this murdering tumour. But I don’t have it in me to feel that strongly about her anymore – about anybody. Life is so short, Emmie. Don’t waste a single second feeling negatively. Hatred only hurts YOU… not the person you feel it towards. Either accept them for who they are or what they’ve done, or move on. That space in your heart reserved for hate could be being used to love someone else. Bet you never knew I could be so philosophical, eh?
I think I’m pretty much done here. I’ve covered everyone – oh wait, except Ernie. He’s been good to me over the years. In a lot of ways he’s been like a father to me when my own wasn’t interested. He’s got his wife and kids of course, but I’d like it if you’d pop in on him every now and then, maybe take him a cake or something. Old people like that kind of shit right?
I almost don’t want to stop writing. I don’t want to say goodbye to you, Emmie. I don’t want to leave you, I hope you know that. A lot of people say they’d rather just drop dead unexpectedly than be diagnosed with a terminal illness. I used to think that too, but now, I see it as some kind of blessing. I’m grateful that I’ve been given the time to plan things, make sure the ones I love are settled and secure, and most importantly that I get to tell them how much I love them before it’s too late.
How’s this for a mindfuck for you… you’re calling me from downstairs right now. Apparently my breakfast is ready. When I got out of bed this morning I stumbled and knocked some DVD’s on the floor. Forrest Gump came out on top and the film is still in my mind so I’m thinking I should play with you a little. When I get downstairs I’m going to quote from that movie one of the wisest sayings I think I’ve ever heard.
Life is like a box of chocolates – You never know what you’re gonna get.
Hopefully you’ll remember me saying that to you, and now you know the reason I was late coming down for breakfast. I was writing this. I was saying goodbye to you.
It’s time to move on now, little sis. I’ll be with you all the way. I don’t know how this ‘next life’ thing works, but once I’ve figured it out I’ll try to guide you the best I can. That’s what dead people are supposed to do so I believe… well that, and stalk women in the changing rooms at the gym.
I love you so much, Emmie. I am so proud to be your br
other. Keep safe. Keep living. Keep loving.
Chris
xxx
“You okay, doll?” I dropped the paper onto my lap and pushed out a breath that had been stuck inside for what seemed like several minutes. “Doll?” I stared at the paper, not at the words, just the paper. My fingers tensed around it a little but quickly softened when it started to crease. “Emily?”
“Oh, um, yeah,” I responded, the sound of my name snapping me back into reality.
“Are you okay?” he questioned gently, placing a hand on my shoulder. I nodded, I think. I was too numb to be certain. “What does it say?”
“It says goodbye.” I passed the letter to Dexter who went on to read it for himself. A couple of minutes later he laid it on the bed behind us and pulled me into him. “I miss him, Dex.”
“Me too, doll. I doubt we’ll ever stop.”
When I pulled away, Dexter’s eyes were damp with tears. Using my thumb I wiped them away, then I smoothed my hand down his cheek.
“I don’t know what I’d do if you weren’t here,” I whispered against his lips before sweeping my tongue lightly across them.
“Good job you’ll never have to find out. I’ll always be here, doll. Forever.”
“Forever,” I agreed, then I brought his mouth to mine and kissed him passionately, injecting him with my love, my pain and my adoration for him.
**********
More people than I expected turned up at the church. It warmed my heart to know Chris was so popular, even though he never mentioned them. It was Sarah’s idea to put an obituary in the paper - I didn’t really see the point. But standing in the church, seeing the rows of full pews, I was glad I did. I’m sure if Chris could’ve seen all those people he’d be feeling a little smug at his popularity.
I’d been doing fairly well controlling my tears, until the church service began. From the minute the priest started talking I couldn’t stop staring at the lightwood coffin. Chris was in there, and the thought tortured me all the way through the service. The only time I managed to peel my eyes away was when Dexter stood up and made his way to the front of the church to stand behind the pulpit. My eyebrows sprang up in confused curiosity. He hadn’t mentioned giving a speech.
“So,” he began after clearing his throat. “I hadn’t actually planned on saying anything, but now I’m here, I just wanted you all know what Chris meant to me, and just how grateful I am to him. Most of you don’t know me, so you won’t know that this man literally helped save my life. I was in a bad place not so long ago. A place I didn’t think I’d ever get out of. But, along with his sister, my Emily over there…”
He pointed at me and dozens of heads turned to look at me, making me turn a vivid shade of red.
“He helped me escape that bad place. He gave me a chance – a chance I didn’t deserve. He taught me, guided me, and supported me. He quickly became the best friend I’d never had, and the brother I always wanted. I looked up to him. I admired him. I loved him. The only thing that comforts me about losing him, is that I got to hold him while he died. I got to tell him I loved him, and that’s a privilege denied to so many. I feel proud to have been with him at the end, and I take solace in the knowledge he wasn’t alone.”
Tears swam from my eyes, pooling in my nose and making it hard to breathe as Dexter stepped down from the pulpit. Before he came back to me he paused by Chris’ coffin and laid his hand on the top for a few seconds.
“I’m gonna miss you, man,” he said, and then patted the wood lightly. “Don’t party too hard up there.”
When Dexter returned to our pew he immediately took hold of my hand and squeezed it gently.
“That was beautiful,” I whispered to him. He smiled modestly and then brought my hand up to his lips before placing gentle, loving kisses on my knuckles.
“Not as beautiful as you.”
I snuggled into Dexter’s chest for the rest of the service. The priest said a few more words, although I didn’t hear what they were. When the pallbearers gathered around the coffin ready to take Chris outside to his final resting place, we all stood up. My dad, who had been sitting next to me the entire time, put his arm around my waist and pulled me close enough to kiss the top of my head. I couldn’t help noticing how he squeezed me a little tighter and for a little longer than necessary – almost as if he were afraid to let me go.
The song I’d chosen started playing as Chris was carried back out of the church. Fire and Rain, originally by James Taylor, is one of my favourite songs ever, and hauntingly perfect for the way I feel about losing my brother. But of course, Glee covered the song for the episode where they said goodbye to Finn, so naturally, with me being one of the world’s biggest Gleeks, that was the one playing in the church right now. I smiled as we made our way through the heavy arched doors, thinking back on Rachel’s comment this morning.
‘Glee, ho? Seriously? At a funeral? Why don’t you just sprinkle pink glitter everywhere and mark it down as the campest funeral in history?’
**********
There are no words to describe the feeling of watching one of the people you love most in the whole world being lowered into the ground. The only comfort I could take from it was that he was being buried next to our mother. I never knew her, but Chris did, and it felt soothing to know they were together again. Wherever you go after you die, our mum would be waiting for him. She will take care of him for me.
When the box of dirt was passed to me, I said a silent goodbye to my brother as I tossed a small handful on top of his coffin. It scattered over the brass plate, covering his name and it felt so final. I will never see him again. Ever. He’s gone and I’m not sure if the thought will ever stop causing such intense pain in my chest, or even if I’d want it to.
When the priest started to pray again I figured we were almost done here. It was over, and I won’t lie and say I wasn’t relieved. I planned to come back regularly to tend to the gravestone just like Chris had done for our mum for so many years, but for now, I just wanted to get away.
I was already eyeing up my exit route – the stony trail that led to the church car park – when I saw her.
Jocelyn.
She was standing far back, leaning against another gravestone. I caught Dexter following my gaze and his back stiffened when he saw her.
“I won’t be long,” I whispered to him. He tried to pull me back when I stepped past him, looking over at Jocelyn with wary eyes. “I’ll be fine,” I assured him. I needed to know why she was here. My nature always wants to see the best in people, so I couldn’t believe she was here to gloat. Weaving my way through some of the mourners I’d never met, I broke free of the gathering and made my way over to her.
“Emily,” she breathed. I stayed silent. I’ve never referred to her as anything but ‘Mum’, but now I knew the truth I didn’t know what to call her. “How are you holding up?”
“What do you want?” I said acidly, ignoring her stupid question.
“I just came to pay my respects. I didn’t want to intrude, which is why I stayed back here.”
“Why? You had no respect for him when he was alive,” I spat.
“I know that and… I’m sorry.”
“You’re sorry?”
“I don’t know if your father has told you, but I’ve been having therapy.”
“Yeah. He mentioned something.”
“I’ve been so broken for a long time, Emily. That’s no excuse, I know. Blaming you, blaming a child, for what happened to Olivia… it was wrong. It was wrong and I’m sorry. What happened to Olivia was an accident - an accident that I could have prevented if I’d been watching her like I should’ve been. I think I’ve always known deep down who was to blame. Me. Blaming you was easier than having to deal with that guilt, and there is nothing I can do now to make it up to you, except say I’m sorry.
“I have resented your father ever since it happened. He still had two of his children and I had none. He didn’t even show that much interest in you. He
was happy to leave me to raise you both while he lived in his own little bubble, working and playing golf. How could he not appreciate you both when he knew what it felt like to lose one of his children? It made me hate him, and it made me hate you and your brother.”
“Um, I’m not sure what I’m supposed to say to that,” I admitted honestly.
“I don’t need you to say anything. I hope you’ve learned this by yourself already, but I just needed to tell you that you aren’t responsible for what happened to Olivia. I don’t blame you, Emily. Not anymore. In fact, I don’t think I ever did. For such a long time it was just easier to believe than the truth.
“I haven’t come here for forgiveness, or to ask if we can build any kind of relationship…” Ouch. “I’m trying to move on, Emily, and I came here to tell you to do the same. We were never a real family, and the family we tried to be ended up hurting us all. I still have a long way to go with my therapy and I doubt very much I’ll ever be the woman I was when I first met your father, but I’m going to try.
“I suppose I came here today to say goodbye to both of you. I don’t expect you not to hate me, or even to forgive me, but I live in hope that one day you will at least understand.”
“I…I do understand. I think. And, I do forgive you.”
. Life is so short, Emmie. Don’t waste a single second feeling negatively.
The words in Chris’ letter were etched at the forefront of my mind. He was right. I don’t have the time in my life or the space in my heart to hate Jocelyn.
“I should go,” Jocelyn said, looking straight into my eyes.
“Okay.” As bittersweet as this moment was, I found myself agreeing with her. For years I had wished she would say these things to me – that she would tell me Livvie’s death wasn’t my fault, and then throw her arms around me and tell me she loved me. Yet now, as an adult who knows the truth, the first was all I needed from her. She doesn’t blame me. The second those words passed her lips I felt physically lighter – like I had more space in my lungs, less weight on my shoulders… like I could finally draw in a full breath.