by Susan Stoker
The lime-green numbers on my alarm clock flashed; six in the morning, the time I'd get up and run. Jogging had become a ritual for me. It was addictive, pushing myself so hard that the only thing that existed in the world was the oxygen scraping through my lungs. It gave me relief from the depressing ins and outs of behaving as my family asked.
I'd been doing it for years. I wouldn't do it today.
I have to see her… find out why she's avoiding me. Sure, it had only been sixteen hours since we'd touched, but she wasn't behaving like normal.
Over the past weeks, Nell and I had gotten close. We texted all the time. My message box was full of our banter, the random chats about movies or dinner plans. Her silence was a warning.
Dressing in dark, designer jeans and a loose white shirt, I tip-toed down into the kitchen. Morning light streamed through the windows. Touching the dimmer switch, I turned on the recessed lighting.
Jaws and Cujo came shuffling over the tiles towards me. “Shh,” I cautioned them. Kneeling, I scratched their ears, giving them all the attention they needed so they'd stay quiet. I didn't want my mother waking up—I needed to speak with Nell alone.
It was seven when the front door opened. I heard the tell-tale “fwish” of the weather stripping. I'd made a pot of coffee, sipping my second cup as I continued to sit on the cool tile with the dogs sprawled in my lap.
They sensed her before she came around the corner. Yipping, their claws skittered on the floor. Nell bent low, beaming at them, not noticing me. “Hey, guys,” she whispered. Cujo and Jaws licked her face, but as much as they cheered her up, I could see the dark circles under her eyes. She hadn't slept well—if at all.
“They really adore you,” I said. The sound of my voice made her jump. Fear made her pupils tiny, her whole body going still as she looked at me. I flashed a comforting smile—all she did was stare at the floor.
Avoiding my eyes, Nell stood, hurrying to gather the dogs' leashes. “I didn't see you there,” she said to the wall.
Bracing my hand on one knee, I pushed myself to my feet. “What happened yesterday? Why are you ignoring my texts?”
“I have to get going. The heat has been bad. Gotta walk them before the sun…”
“Nell!”
My tone was as worn out as my bones felt. She kept facing the wall, the leashes balled up in her hands. I was only a few inches away but I had the terrible premonition that, if I reached for her, I'd realize she was worlds away. Lost to me.
“Please,” I said, “just tell me what I did wrong.”
Her hair was strewn over her face, hiding her expression under the brunette waves. I didn't need to see, though—her body language was enough. Her voice was so quiet I strained to listen. “I'm the one who made a mistake.”
Fascinated, I watched as she hugged herself. Was I imagining it, or was she holding her belly intentionally? Rapidly, my intuition began to fire. Her behavior made total sense if… if she was… “Nell, are you pregnant?”
Her eyes finally came up to meet mine. Tears pooled then spilled over, her whites bloodshot. “Yes.”
The air went out of me in a big wave. I was lightheaded before I remembered to breathe again; big gulps that turned into laughter. “How can you be crying? This is wonderful news.”
Nell's despair melted into shock. “Wonderful?”
“Yes, wonderful.” Embracing her, I swelled with relief… with joy and fear and excitement. She soothed me just by being in my arms. “It's amazing, you're going to carry our child. It's really happening. Everything is actually going well for once in my life.”
My palm caressed her stomach. She locked up, darting her attention to the floor. “Not as well as you think.” Carefully, she pulled away from me. In the cool-blue and growing orange daylight, she looked so fragile. “Bishop… I heard your mother talking to Iris.”
“What? When?” I knew the second I asked. “Yesterday.”
“They were in the foyer as I came down the stairs. Your mom was promising Iris that she'd make sure you two ended up together.”
“That's ridiculous,” I growled. “Mom knows I want to be with you.”
Nell wrapped the leash around and around; I was sure the knots would be impossible to undo. “Right… but… does Iris know?”
The question threw me off. “I'm not sure. It wasn't something I thought mattered.” She shifted on the spot. I hated that, seeing her fidget—knowing she was doubting me. “Nell, I don't care if my mother is batting for Iris. If something else is going on, tell me.”
Filling her chest until she unfurled, gathering her strength, she… waited. It was a long minute, and in it, I felt judged. “Iris told me she'd been chatting with you. I got the idea that it was very friendly. The kind that wouldn't happen if you'd made it clear to her that you're done with your mom's attempts at matchmaking.”
“She's lying. I don't think I've said anything to her since your first day working here.”
“But she was here yesterday. For all I know, she's been here a ton. Why would she bother lying?”
I stepped towards her—she backed up. “To upset you, Nell. She's threatened by you, and rightfully so.”
She screwed up her face. “Stop it! Don't try to make this go away with flattery, I'm not that shallow!”
“Why the hell is it so hard for you to trust me?” I groaned, fingers clenching into painfully tight fists. “I can't compliment you without you thinking I'm—I don't know, fucking with you! I'm not a monster. I'm not tricking you.”
We stood there, facing off like enemies and not the soon-to-be parents we were. The indent in the base of her throat fluttered. Her lips were bloodless from how fiercely she was biting down.
How had we gotten here?
One of the dogs whimpered. The sound plucked at my heart, and Nell reacted even more obviously. Shaking herself, she stared at Cujo where he was backed into the kitchen corner with his friend. Their eyes were wide, black; worried.
Nell's hands came up to her face. Covering her eyes, she slumped in place. I thought she might collapse. I was ready to grab her when she dropped her arms, watching me with so much regret she could have been a different person. “I'm so sorry. Bishop, it's not your fault. You didn't do this to me—you didn't hurt me. That was all my ex's handiwork.”
My eyebrows scrunched up. “Your ex? What did he do to you?”
“Nothing. Everything. I want to trust you, but I'm not sure I even know how anymore.” Clasping her hands against her chest, she spoke around a bitter smile. “I'm full of broken, shattered things that want to destroy everything around them. My ex always told me I was selfish.” In wonderment, she stared up at me. “You were the first person to ever say I was kind.”
Pain drove through me like a truck that had lost control. I grabbed her shoulders, her hair, just holding her desperately because I worried she'd fall apart and I'd never have a chance to put her back together. “He was wrong about you.”
“I know,” she laughed, empty of humor. Clutching my hand, she pushed it to her cheek. Warm, wet tears soaked my skin. “You'd think learning it wasn't anything you did that made your ex cheat on you would help your sanity. But no. It just made me hate myself for being blind for so long.”
Fueled by new hatred for a man I'd never met, I shut my eyes and breathed through my nose. “If I could kick his ass, right now, I'd drop everything and go do it.”
That time, her laugh was real. It shook through her body, I felt it move through my hands to my soul. “Thanks. That's sweet.”
“Listen… I know why you were so afraid to believe in me now, but if you'll let me, I want to show you that some people in this world aren't so awful. Not everyone cheats.” My thumb rubbed over her cheek; it shifted under the weight of her smile. “I would never do that because I…”
The word stopped on my tongue. It didn't matter; Nell knew what I'd almost said. Summoning my confidence, I parted my lips, but she put her hand over my mouth to quiet me. “Don't say it, not unless
you mean it. I can't do fake love. You have to take responsibility for what you say.”
Prying her arms away, I kissed her. She opened for me like a flower in Spring, her body going soft, tension fading away. “I'll never lie to you. I'll never risk your heart. I love you, as crazy as it might seem, and I'm not going to marry some other woman—not even if my mother prefers it.”
Nell's eyes were full of stars. “You really mean it?”
Pressing my lips on hers, I mumbled, “I do.” My tongue sought out the roof of her mouth, stroking quickly. “I really, truly mean it. I love you, Nellie Pinewood. And I love this baby.”
She trapped my hand on her belly, not moving me away. “I love you, too. But… this baby… we need to wait to tell anyone else. There's a chance it won't make it. It's so early, that stuff happens, you know? So much can go wrong.”
“Nothing will go wrong,” I said severely.
Nell hesitated in the wake of my belief. “Okay. Alright. We should still wait until we're sure.”
Nodding, I scooped her into my arms. “Deal.”
“Hey—what are you doing?”
“You have to walk the dogs, but you need to take it easy. I'm helping.”
“This isn't helping!” she laughed, gasping when I threw her over my shoulder.
I crouched, grabbing the leashes, whistling for the dogs. “Sure it is. You walk them, I walk you, and we all win.”
She's having my child.
I'd definitely won.
Chapter Eleven
Nellie
Our fingers were looped together, strong enough to hang us from the top of a mountain. I wanted to believe we couldn't be pulled apart—that we were inseparable in the face of simple things like family politics.
I had faith in Bishop… in us.
That didn't mean I wasn't trembling as we stood in front of his mother.
“Mom,” Bishop began, giving my fingers a squeeze. “We have something to talk to you about.”
She was bent over a notebook on the back patio, her eyes flicking up once—pointedly—to take in my obviously round stomach. Four months was a long time in the world of pregnancy. I'd ridden it out with Bishop at my side, our fears and joy mingling before and after every doctor visit. I always, always thought something was terribly wrong. Most of the time it was just heartburn. Or gas.
He'd endured each of my paranoid phone calls with loving patience.
One night, he came by with a DVD copy of Jaws and a pint of Chunky Monkey ice cream. It was the first time he'd visited me at my apartment.
Gigi found us sleeping on the couch the next morning. She'd given me a look, then started dropping hypotheticals like, “If you had a kid, who would the godmother be?” and “Is purple and gold an okay color scheme for a baby shower?” I didn't mind her not so subtle hints, because after that, she let Bishop sleep over any night I wanted him to.
“Mom,” he said again. That time she didn't look up.
“Miss Callehurst… please, you know what's going on. Let's talk about it.”
“Talk about what?” she muttered, texting someone on her phone, then making a note in her book. “I'm in the middle of arranging a social event, so if you'd both give me some space.”
I blinked. “Social event?”
Her eyes rolled up to mine, her voice scathing. “A party, dear.”
Bishop grabbed the top of the long patio couch. “Enough. No more pointless parties or arranged setups. I'm having a baby with Nell, this is happening.”
My heart was on the verge of bursting. But his mom didn't react; she just lifted the phone, tucking it to her ear and answering it on the second ring. “Hello? Ah, yes, bring the flowers around back. You can set them in the kitchen for now until the coordinator arrives.”
Blown away by her attitude, I couldn't keep my voice from rising. “Are you listening? I'm pregnant with your grandchild!”
There—she stared at me. In a smooth motion she ended the call, placing her phone gently on the outdoor cocktail table. “For all I know you're just getting fat.”
“How could you…” Bishop started. She stood quickly, brushing around us and heading back inside. “Stop being so impossible!” he snapped.
Standing inside the French doors, she sent a cutting look Bishop's way, then rested it on me. Her eyes were gray like his, but nowhere near as warm. “Here's what's going to happen. Tonight, my son will attend this party. He'll smile and entertain the guests, and when Iris arrives, he will take her aside and tell her he plans to marry her.”
“That's not happening,” I said flatly.
Bishop lifted his head high. “Why are you fighting this? You and dad wanted an heir, I'm giving you one.”
“Your father will never let you marry this woman!” she scoffed, hands clutching at her shawl. “She's the damn dog walker. I hired her to fill in for your laziness, not so you could knock her up! Don't embarrass this family any more than you already have.”
I wished I had some clever comeback. I looked on as the woman who fought tooth and nail against my happiness turned her back and walked away.
“She hates me. Your mom literally hates me.”
Scratching at his hair, Bishop groaned. “Don't worry about it, she hates a lot of people.”
My feet were killing me; so was my heart. I dropped heavily onto the couch. “If she doesn't accept me, this won't work.”
He slid beside me, pulling me against his firm chest. Bishop was constantly holding my belly and now was no different. “She can scream at the sky but that won't stop the rain.” I squinted at him, he laughed weakly. “What I mean is… even if she puts Iris in my path, I don't have to go to her. This is my baby inside of you, Nell. I'm making you my wife. Let everyone else screech at us as we walk down the aisle.”
That soothed me enough that I relaxed in his arms. The backyard was small, neatly arranged with rose bushes and crawling ivy up the walls. It was late enough that the sun was setting, our viewpoint allowing us to watch the purple hue take over downtown's skyline. “Are you really going to the party?”
“Sure. I wouldn't miss a chance to wear you on my arm.”
My laugh was hollow; I pet his hands over my stomach. “I'll look like a beluga whale that you broke out of Sea World and stuffed into a dress.”
“Did you know I happen to love whales?” Kissing my cheek, he casually rolled his palms upwards, brushing my swollen breasts. I gasped, pushing him away as he chuckled in my ear. “You're beautiful. Radiant.”
“Radiant is code for 'Nothing really nice to compliment about you.' ”
“That's definitely not true.” He palmed my belly, tracing over the curves. Bishop's voice was deep and rich as a river full of gold. “In all seriousness, you drive me wild, Nell. You're more woman than ever, and more of you is never a bad thing.”
There was a parade in my chest. I was sure he could feel the hard pattern of my breathing. “Bishop… is there any chance she's right? Could your dad turn me down, take your brother and his baby even if we beat them on the clock?”
“You're worried that I'll lose everything.”
I hadn't wanted to say it, but… “Yeah.” I grabbed his forearms, pulling them around me, locking us together like I expected someone to physically try and pry us apart. “You were willing to marry a stranger, make a baby, to keep your family happy. If you don't get the ending you wanted it'll be tragic.”
“Are you joking?” Shifting me so that we were facing each other, he nipped my bottom lip. His kiss was fierce—it went on long enough that the sun was nearly gone when he finally stopped. “Nell, you're the ending I want. If I lose all my wealth, my power, but I get to keep you… keep this…” He stroked his hand over my swollen belly. “Then I've come out further ahead than I could have ever hoped for.”
Was it possible to fall deeper in love than I already had?
“Now come on,” he said, smiling slyly. “We've got a party to get ready for.”
Chapter Twelve
N
ellie
I'd been to his home countless times, but tonight, I didn't recognize it.
Copper streamers, ice shaped like swans, crystals lighting up every single wall… Miss Callehurst had gone all out. She'd hired a valet to park the guests' cars, but I'd rolled up with Bishop, and one look at him and the valet had waved him through to park wherever he felt like it. He did live here, after all.
But now, as we stood in the foyer of a place that should have felt familiar, I saw I was in a different world. Who were all these people? How had Miss Callehurst put something this grand together so quickly?
“I feel massively out of place,” I whispered.
Bishop gripped my arm in the crook of his. “You're with me. You belong here more than anyone else.”
“Alright, but I don't think they feel that way.” I'd caught two or three salty glares from the women strutting around. They didn't like seeing me next to Bishop—and I suspected they liked my rounded belly even less.
Some people might assume I was gaining weight, but scandal never chases after the tame rumor. These strangers saw me as the pregnant nobody who threatened their chance at marrying upwards.
I hadn't meant to wear something that revealed my pregnancy, but Bishop had scoffed at every outfit I'd produced from my closet. “Not good enough,” he'd said. Then Gigi had swirled into my bedroom, clutching a red dress that would put most of my “assets” on display.
Bishop refused to let me try on anything else after that.
Both my friend and lover had assured me I looked good. I'd almost felt that way until I saw the other women. Cupping my stomach nervously, I followed Bishop deeper into his house. Most of the party was taking place in a large dining area. The furniture had been removed, replaced by long tables of tiny cakes and trays of golden champagne.
“Let me get you something,” he said, pulling us up along the display of desserts.
“It's not like chocolate will make me feel more at ease.”
Lifting an eyebrow, he waved a mini vanilla and fudge pie under my nose. “So you don't want this?”