I'd finished cleaning out the lower cabinets by midafternoon. Before I tackled the upper ones, I took a break in the living room with a cup of mint-flavored green tea. I was sitting in a rocker sorting out my feelings when Crystal brought in the basket of cats and sat down on the floor beside me.
She used a forefinger to pet one of the tiny baby kittens. "Momma, could I talk to you about something?"
I'd made up my mind. She wasn't naming one of those kittens Jesus. It was pure sacrilege to name a cat after our Lord and Savior.
"What's on your mind?"
"It's Daddy. I called him on Christmas, and I don't want there to be secrets in this house. I want it to stay open and honest, and that's the way I want to raise my child."
That seemed pretty big compared to naming a kitten.
"Honey, if your father is still upset with you, that doesn't mean he doesn't love you and won't love the baby when it's born. You can call him and visit him anytime you want. You don't have to tell me"
"That's where you're wrong, Momma. I do want to tell you. Everything. I've lived in a house with dishonesty. Daddy had his affairs, and I think I knew about them from the time I was nine. If he hadn't gotten careless with Charity, we wouldn't be sitting here with these three cats right now. Jonah was a sorry rascal, but he taught me a lot. When he hit me and left, I sat in the middle of the kitchen floor all wadded up in a ball and cried my eyes out. You know why? Because I'd turned my back on you, and down deep I knew that Daddy wasn't going to bail me out of the mess. I knew what he would say before I ever went there"
"I'm sorry," I said.
"You were so trusting that you never knew about his affairs, did you? When I was a teenager I thought you were stupid one minute and hypocritical the next. Stupid if you didn't see what he was doing. Hypocritical if you did know"
"Marriage is complicated, and your father's unfaithfulness wasn't anything I could prove. I guess a part of me always knew that something wasn't quite right. Looking back, I can see that the signs were there. But I never looked for proof. I guess maybe I really believed that ignorance was bliss. Besides, in the past I always tried to avoid conflict, Crystal."
"Amen to marriage being complicated. I stayed long after I should have left Jonah, but I didn't want to admit I'd made a mistake. But you weren't hypocritical, you were just dumb."
"Thanks, I guess," I mumbled.
"That sounded better in my head. I love you, and I'm not going to let you down anymore. I'm sorry I didn't tell you about Daddy. I still love him, and I'll call him occasionally, but I'm not going to hold my breath for him to love me back unconditionally. He's always had his way-except when you left him and when I refused to get rid of my baby. He's even more spoiled than me!"
"Is that possible?" I laughed.
"Barely," she said. "But my eyes sure got opened the day I realized how low I'd sunk"
I laid a hand on her shoulder. "I'm glad you weren't too stubborn to come home."
"Home," she echoed. "It's crazy, isn't it, Momma? I used to hate it when you made me visit Aunt Gert. This house gave me the creeps. And it smelled funny." She laughed.
I raised an eyebrow. "It smelled funny?"
"Yeah, like a musty old cellar or soured milk."
"And it doesn't anymore?"
"No, now it smells clean and like fresh paint and varnish. Sometimes it's like Gert is here, but . . " She couldn't find the words to finish.
I nodded. "I know. I think she'd be pleased with what we're doing."
"Do you realize you always say `we'? That you always include Billy Lee in the planning and everything?" she asked.
"I guess I do. He was there that day I found out about Charity, and he's stood beside me through it all."
"Oh?"
"I didn't find out about Charity because your dad `slipped up.' I was at Gert's funeral and overheard a conversation in the ladies' room about how stupid I was to let Drew get away with his infidelities. Later Billy Lee and I were the only ones in the sanctuary, and he consoled me"
Crystal frowned. "You told him what you'd just found out?"
I patted her hand. "Not about your dad. Billy Lee had no idea what I'd overheard, and I sure didn't blurt it all out. He was truly mourning Aunt Gert, and somehow that helped. I can't explain it. We were both miserable. For different reasons, but still grieving. He'd lost his friend and surrogate grandmother. I was about to bury a marriage. After that day he became my best friend."
"Wow! Is that the way it really was? I thought he'd been in love with you since you were kids or something."
Crimson filled my cheeks, and I stuttered, "Wh ... Wh ... What made you think that?"
"It's the way he looks at you. Like you've got a halo hiding under all that curly hair. Like you couldn't do or say a wrong thing if you tried. If some fellow ever looks at me like that, I'm going to have him in front of a preacher so fast, he'll wonder how he got there"
"You're thinking about trying marriage again in the future?" I tried to change the subject.
"Yes, someday, when I find a younger version of Billy Lee. But we weren't talking about me; we were discussing you and Billy Lee"
"Then the discussion is finished. I'm forty, overweight, and getting wrinkles. Billy Lee isn't interested in being anything but a friend and good neighbor."
"We'll have to agree to disagree, then"
Smart girl. She knew when to hold 'em and when to fold em. Right now I had a mother who seldom had good days, an ex-husband who wanted to abort my firstborn grandchild, a pregnant daughter, and three new cats. I did not have time to deal with crazy notions about Billy Lee Tucker.
I woke up New Year's Eve morning with a chip the size of a hundred-year-old pecan tree sitting on my shoulder. I didn't even know where the thing had come from or why. I tried to shake it off when I looked out the window into the beautiful morning. Bright sunshine poured into the bedroom, but my mood was as black as sin. My eyebrows lowered so fiercely that I was sure I'd given birth to a dozen forehead wrinkles. I forced myself to relax. Something had to have triggered the ugly mood. We'd had a lovely Christmas, and Crystal and I had cleared the air. We'd laughed over the Christmas Slug and talked about her father and her future. So what was wrong with me?
I hoped I'd shake it off by the time I got downstairs.
I didn't.
The kitchen was empty, but I could see Billy Lee and Crystal outside through the window. They were out beside his workshop with a steel tape measure and stakes, marking off where her new greenhouse would rise up like that mythical bird from ashes. Shouldn't she at least have to work at a job she hated for a couple of years before she got to dive right into her heart's desire? But, no, only I had to do that kind of thing. I was always the good girl. Poor Trudy. Bless her heart.
I dressed in a pair of jeans and a sweatshirt and grabbed the car keys. Billy Lee and Crystal waved when they heard the engine, but I pretended I didn't even see them. I drove straight down Broadway to Main Street and made a right turn toward the nursing home.
Momma was sitting in her recliner in her room. A rerun of The Golden Girls was on television, and she didn't take her eyes from it when I stomped into the room. I threw myself down into the other chair at the end of her bed, and she finally looked up.
"Who are you?"
"Momma, it's me, Trudy."
"Get out of here before I call the police. I'm not afraid to dial 91 L"
"Okay, I'll go" When I left, she was giggling at something Blanche had said. Why, oh, why couldn't she be lucid today?
I couldn't take the anger home, but there was really nowhere else to go. I drove slowly all the way out to the Y where the highway split, one part going to Madill, the other to Ravia and Ardmore. I stopped the car at the Western Inn's restaurant and thought about going in for a cup of coffee, but I was afraid I might commit homicide if Drew happened to be in there. So I drove to the park across the Pennington Creek bridge to where Billy Lee and I had gone to picnic that day in the summer. It was so
cold, my breath came out in smoky puffs when I got out of the car.
I heard an old pickup rattling across the bridge, but I didn't look up until a door slammed. Crystal plowed across the dead grass with determination and more than a little worry in her eyes.
"What are you doing out here?" Crystal sat down across the table from me.
I shrugged.
"Tell me what happened"
I shook my head. How did I tell my child that I woke up that morning resenting her?
"What are you upset about?" she demanded.
Be honest! It was as if Aunt Gert was sitting right there giving me advice.
"It was there when I woke up this morning. I've loved you from the minute they laid you in my arms when you were born. But today I woke up resenting the heck out of you"
Tears welled up behind her beautiful eyes and spilled down her face. "Why? I thought things were finally going well between us."
"They are, but I'm mad because ..." I stopped.
"You might as well tell me," she said, regaining her composure. "We're doing `honest,' remember?"
I sighed. "Okay, honest it is. I wanted to wait for a baby when your father and I married. I hoped to go to school and get a degree, but your grandparents really wanted a grandchild, and they pushed hard for that. I think they had visions of Drew going on to something big, like politics, and a stay-athome wife and a baby would look good"
"Dad's no politician, Momma. He's a small-town lawyer. Politics might have been the Williamses' dream for their son, but Daddy never would have that kind of discipline or drive. He was way too spoiled, and he is what he is."
"How'd you get so smart?"
She smiled and reached across the picnic table to touch my hand. "Go on, Momma"
I went on. "Anyway, we had you, and I loved you to pieces, but I guess I always felt I'd been cheated out of my dreams. I basically had to walk two steps behind Drew and cater to his every whim. Then, when you were about two, I wanted another child, but your father said no way." I stopped. "I don't know why I'm telling you this."
"Because I asked and because you resent me," she said honestly.
"Oh, stop that. We both know I've always loved you no matter how spoiled and demanding Drew and I let you becomeespecially when you were a teenager, though I pretended that that was just a phase. And I allowed it because I couldn't stand fighting. I love you, and you know that, and that's all that matters. Now let's go home." My stomach hurt, and I had a headache.
"No, not until we've talked this through."
"I can't."
"Oh, yes, you can. Are you upset because of the baby?"
"It's not the baby. It's me. I'm forty, and for the first time I have a life all my own, and now ..
"I can get my own place. I don't have to live with you," she said.
"I like having you live with me. I love sharing our lives."
"Well, you have to decide. If I'm upsetting things in your new life and making you have these moods, then please tell me. Maybe you could give me a loan until I can get my business up and running. But if you want me to stay, then you have to remember that we're both adults now. You can come and go and do as you please, and you don't have to explain anything or answer to me or take care of me as if I was still a child."
That took me by surprise; my daughter was trying to meet me halfway, just as a grown-up would. I guess I'd figured she'd flounce back to Billy Lee's truck and throw gravel all the way home.
"How are you going to manage with a baby and a new business?"
"I'm going to be a mother who runs a business." Her eyes glittered at the prospect. "I'll have a crib and playpen in the greenhouse, remember? That's the beauty of having my own business. I can do both. I'm not asking you to take care of me or my child, Momma. All I need from you is to always be my mother. A real one. Not a perfect one. I don't even care if some days you hate me, as long as most of them you love me."
I almost cried at how smart and logical she had become. I stuck my hand across the table. "Deal"
She shook it firmly. "Now, let's go take care of the rest of this. Might as well finish up the year by throwing out the old and starting off tomorrow with a clean slate."
"What are you talking about?"
"Get into the truck. We're going to see Daddy."
My stomach did two flips, and my gag reflex almost lost the war. "I can't. Let's just go home"
She opened the passenger's door of the truck and literally shoved me inside. "Nope. He's at Grandmother Williams' place, and you can unload on the whole bunch at one time. Don't hold a single word back, either. Cuss, rant, rave, even throw one of her fancy-pants vases at him if you can get your hands on it. It'll cleanse the soul-believe me"
Later, I'd wonder how she knew where Drew was that day, but at the time I was so nervous over confronting him and my in-laws that I wasn't sure I could utter a word when we got there.
Crystal parked the truck in the circular driveway as if it was a limo and jumped out, motioning for me to follow. I made it to the front door of the house at about the time she pushed the doorbell.
The housekeeper, Elise, opened the door. "Miss Crystal. Miss Trudy ... oh ... my!"
My ex-mother-in-law, Ruby, peeked out the den door into the foyer. "Who is it, Elise?"
Crystal marched right in, and I followed.
"Neither of you are welcome in this house," Ruby said. "And, Elise, if you let her in here again, I will fire you."
"When she does, come see me, and I'll put you to work," I said.
"Tell me why we aren't welcome," Crystal said.
"Because you broke your father's heart"
"Is he here?" I asked.
"We are all in the den, but you aren't coming in."
"Yep, Grandmother, we are. Come on, Mother."
I followed her even though Ruby looked like she was about to drop dead of a heart attack.
"What are you doing here?" Drew's eyes shot pure hatred at me.
"Momma has something to say," Crystal said.
"We don't want to hear anything you have to say," Ruby said. "This is my home, so get out, and don't ever come back."
"You'd better sit down, because Momma ain't leavin' until she speaks her mind," Crystal said.
Ruby pointed a finger at me, but she didn't sit down. "You've changed. You are no longer the woman we chose for our son. You have been nothing but vindictive and mean."
"Me? I've been mean? Lady, you'd better wake up and smell the coffee burning. Your son cheated on me most of our married life. He's bought fancy cars and gifts for his bimbos and even coerced his daughter into covering for him."
"If he did those things, it was because you weren't a good wife. A man will find happiness. If not at home, then away from home," Ruby said.
That lit the fuse and loosened my tongue. I slapped her finger away. "I'll get to you later."
I pointed a finger at Drew. "I can't think of anything vile enough to call you, Drew Williams. I was a complete innocent when we married, and-"
Ruby's temper flared. "Don't you call my son any names!"
One look from me and she grabbed her mouth.
"I said I'd deal with you later. This one is between me and Drew." I raised my voice an octave or two or forty. It sure felt good to be standing in her living room yelling like a fishwife.
He opened his mouth, but nothing came out.
"Like I said, I was an innocent and thought you walked on water. I ignored the signs right in front of my nose and didn't face up to what you were doing. Right up until Gert's funeral, when my two cousins came into the ladies' room talking about all your affairs. How could you treat someone so badly? Why didn't you just leave me when you found out you didn't love me?"
"I never did love you! I never wanted to marry you!" he yelled back.
"Shut up!" Ruby whispered.
"Well, I didn't. I didn't want to be tied down to a wife or a baby. But Mother and Father thought I needed stability, that if I married, my law practice
would be more solid. And it was. They were right."
"So you stole twenty years of my life to make your law practice solid?" I shouted even louder. "Did you ever give a thought to how I might feel?"
"I liked the way you took care of things, and you had a place in society. You had been trained well."
"You really are a coldhearted bastard," I said.
"Don't you call him that," Ruby said.
I shook my head in disbelief. How could I have been so naive? "He's just like you"
"Be careful, Trudy. She's my mother," Drew warned.
"She had to have known what you were doing. Everyone knew."
"I didn't care what he did as long as he was discreet. I told him he could have all the mistresses he wanted, but he needed a good woman to serve as his wife. You were that, Trudy, until you went off the deep end," Ruby said.
"What about you? Did you know?" I asked my former fatherin-law.
He shrugged.
I looked back at Ruby. "I suppose you'd be fine with Andrew flaunting a mistress and you being the good woman to serve as his wife?"
"Get her out of here. She's nothing but trash," Ruby said.
I shook my head. "I've said my piece. Now I'm leaving of my own accord"
I marched out of the house.
Crystal followed me. "Feel better?" she asked, when we got to the pickup.
,.You will never know how much. Thank you"
Acold north wind stirred the lake into frothy whitecaps. Wrapped up in blankets, Billy Lee and I sat on the deck watching the old year die after we'd feasted upon grilled steaks and stuffed baked potatoes. I loved the lake house and could live there forever, if only Billy Lee would sell it to me.
I was glad that Crystal had forced me to face my past and that Billy Lee had wanted to drive the Caddy to the lake house to ring in the New Year. Peace reigned deep inside of me in a way it never had before.
"It's because we were raised only children," Billy Lee finally said.
"What?"
"That's why we hate fighting. We didn't have siblings so we could learn how to do it properly. But sometimes we don't have a choice. You feeling better or worse for clearing the air earlier today?"
The Ladies' Room Page 20