“Thanks,” I mumbled, hurrying to leave the shop before the tears emerged from my eyes. My shrivelled heart twanged a little, like someone had plucked a taut string. That was something I never got used to: the overwhelming feeling you get with genuine concern or well-wishes. Most people are utterly fake. They don’t care about you and they barely manage to hide it. Then you get people like San-Sam, who knock you over with a sudden burst of kindness, and it’s so stupid because they only said ‘sorry’.
I managed to pull myself together back in the car. I took the letter and ripped open the flap while Aiden sat watching me. At least he seemed vaguely aware of his surroundings for a change. There were times when he ignored whatever was going on around him.
The prospectus was thick, which surprised me for such a small college. How many courses did they offer? I flicked through to the arts and humanities section and found the page for art history. My eyes scanned down the page, searching for Jake’s name. But when I found the course—art history on Tuesday and Thursday evenings—the name next to the module was not Jake Hewitt. It was David Brown.
I frowned and searched again. Had I got the wrong course? This time I trailed every single name with my finger, making sure that I hadn’t somehow read the wrong name alongside the wrong course. No. There was no mistake, Jake Hewitt was not listed in the prospectus. I removed my phone from my bag and dialled the number for the college.
“York Lifelong Learning Centre, how can I help you?” It wasn’t the same person; this time, it was a younger woman.
“Hi, I’m really sorry but I have an essay due in tomorrow and I’ve forgotten the name of my tutor. It’s for art history on Tuesdays and Thursdays.”
“Oh, that’ll be David Brown.”
“I could have sworn he was called Jake something. I must be going crazy, unless David is new?”
“No,” she said. “He’s been working here for eight years now. Same evenings, too. But there’s a Jack Hawthorne who teaches Business Studies. Maybe you’re thinking of him?”
“I must be. Thanks so much for your help.”
“No problem.”
I hung up with my heart pounding against my ribs. I dabbed at the sweat on my forehead and leaned back against the car seat. How was this possible? When I’d first rung the college, I hadn’t truly believed it was possible Jake had lied to me about working those evenings. Why would I think that? It had just been to make sure. I’d ordered the prospectus just to double check. If I’d believed Jake was lying I would have called back, but I didn’t. I didn’t call back. Instead I’d forgotten all about it.
In a fit of rage I punched the steering wheel and let out a slow, deep growl of frustration. How could he lie to me? And why?
Aiden let out a tiny whimper and I quickly twisted my body in order to face him.
“Aiden, it’s all right,” I soothed. “I’m sorry. Mum is really sorry about that. She’s just… I’m just…” I deflated forwards and placed my head on the steering wheel. “I got some news that shocked me. I didn’t mean to frighten you.”
I noticed that Aiden’s hands had balled up, so I gently unclenched them by working his stiff fingers out with my own. Then I stroked his hair and let out a long sigh.
“Everything is going to be all right. I promise.”
As I put the key in the ignition, I wondered whether that was a promise I could keep.
*
I went back to the house because I needed answers. Jake had been lying to me for years. He’d been lying since the very first day I met him. He’d always had that job. This wasn’t something that had happened a few months ago; it was right from the very start. Every Tuesday and Thursday he worked at the college.
Aiden was happy enough to potter into the garage to work on his painting while I paced the kitchen, switching from biting my thumbnail to scratching the rash on my hands. The rash had spread out from my thumb across the back of my hand and down my wrist, and it was on both hands now. I raked my fingers through my hair and tried to calm the heat of anger as it spread over my body.
Without the television or the radio playing, the house stood silent, with only the sound of my own movements filtering through the rooms. The loaf of bread was still on the kitchen side where I’d left it. The butter was next to it. I put it away instinctively without really thinking about what I was doing. My mind was too busy trying to process the knowledge that my husband had lied to me.
My scratching spread from my hands to my neck, and then my forearms. Every part of me itched when I thought about the lies. I stroked my pregnant belly, trying to sooth the gurgling in my stomach. I felt sick.
Suddenly, I burst to life. This was crazy. I couldn’t stay in this house. Moving as fast as I could, I hurried up the stairs and began packing. What the hell was I going to do? My husband was a liar and I was about to have his baby. I stopped and stared at the clothes in the suitcase. I’d made no plans for this situation. The only thing I could do was to go to Josie’s house with Aiden and then think about what to do with Jake. Perhaps he could move out and I could take a little time to figure out where to go next. I knew Josie would tell me that there was no way I should move out of the house after he’d lied to me, but it wasn’t my house to begin with, and honestly I didn’t particularly like it.
It was his house.
The door opened and I froze. Jake was back.
I slammed the suitcase shut and stared at my trembling hands. At this point I knew there was no innocent explanation for him lying to me. Either he had been having an affair this whole time, or he’d been hiding a second life from me. The one thing I didn’t know was whether that second life included kidnapping and abusing my own child.
I ran my hands over my hair and tried to remain calm as Jake shouted hello upstairs. I’d been so sure that Jake was innocent when the police took him in for questioning. They’d found nothing. He’d had a decent alibi. The police had questioned several men, so I’d thought nothing of it except that I was certain I knew my husband and that he wasn’t capable of hurting a child like that. I was certain. But now… this lie. It was different. It changed everything and threw my entire home-life into question.
I didn’t know what to believe. All I knew was that my son was downstairs with a man I could no longer trust. I gritted my teeth, hefted the suitcase, and began to drag it downstairs.
36
I lugged the suitcase down the stairs and left it by the front door. Then I hesitated, wondering whether to put my shoes on now or to see what happened when I talked to Jake. I scratched my wrists and tried to collect myself. This was going to be incredibly tough and I needed to be strong and calm. The baby kicked as I moved through the hallway into the kitchen, and I bit my lip to deal with the pain. Jake must have seen the strain on my face because he was next to me in an instant.
“What’s wrong? Is it the baby?”
I shook my head, biting harder on my lip. I couldn’t look at him, and I think he sensed that right away.
“Emma, you’re white as a sheet. Tell me now. Have the police made an arrest?”
“You’d like that, wouldn’t you,” I said. “It’d get you off the hook.” I clenched and unclenched my fists, still itching all over my body. I felt a flush of heat work its way up my neck. My entire body was hot and itchy and I wanted nothing more than to scratch every inch of my skin until it all came off.
“What the hell?” Jake took a step away from me and tried to get me to meet his gaze. I noticed that behind him on the kitchen counter was a new bottle of Scotch.
“Is that what you drink to numb the guilt?”
“What the hell are you talking about, Emma?”
I lifted the prospectus from the kitchen table and slapped it down on the counter in front of his Scotch. The glass rattled against the bottle as I flipped the page to the art history course. The spine was already bent in the appropriate place, meaning it took only a few moments to find the evidence of his lies.
“I’m talking about this, J
ake. You’ve been lying to me since we very first met. All these years. Where did you keep him? Where was he?” I flew at him, with my claws out, my nails reaching for his neck. But Jake was quicker. He grasped me by the wrists and pushed me away.
I backed away from him, wide-eyed and shaking, while Jake snatched up the brochure and read the page. When he realised what I was talking about, the blood drained from his face and his jaw slackened.
“It’s a typo,” he said. But he also reached for the bottle of Scotch and began to unscrew the cap.
“No it isn’t. I rang them. Twice. The college has never heard of you. Unless David Brown is some alter-ego you’ve dreamt up, you don’t go to York every Tuesday and Thursday. You go somewhere else.”
He poured a large measure of Scotch into a tumbler and drank it quickly. “You don’t understand.”
“Then enlighten me, because my son has been missing for ten years and I’ve defended you against people who suspected you. Now I find out you’ve been lying to me all these years and—”
“You think I took Aiden?” He shook his head and poured another large measure. “Fucking hell, Emma. Of all the… You actually think I’m capable of that? You think I’m a paedophile, do you? You’re my wife, Emma. You’re supposed to know me.”
“I thought I did. But then I found out that you’ve been lying to me all these years. What am I supposed to think?”
Jake necked his drink and leaned over the kitchen counter, gripping the sideboard with his fingers. His knuckles turned white as I waited for him to answer me. I couldn’t stand still, yet I barely moved. I found myself sort of rocking back and forth onto the balls of my feet like a runner psyching themselves up for a sprint. Anything to rid myself of the energy coursing through me.
“It’s not what you think,” he said.
“Then what is it?”
“I love you. I really do.” He sucked in a deep breath, but still he didn’t face me. Instead he stared down at his hands gripping onto the kitchen counter like he was holding onto a cliff ledge. “But I have other… needs.”
Part of me didn’t want to ask, but of course I needed to know. “What kind of needs?” I scratched at the hot, itchy skin on my wrists and waited.
“You’re the only woman I’ve ever wanted to share my life with. To me, you are the woman. You are everything. You’re so much kinder than anyone I’ve ever met. You’re just beautiful. I fell in love with you the moment I saw you, but there is something inside me that craves a different… a different connection.” He licked his lips and hesitated. “It isn’t your fault. I’m… I’m dirty. I have an affliction.”
My knees felt like they were going to buckle. Jake tried to help me into a chair, but I swatted his hand away and leaned against the kitchen counter instead.
“I think I’m addicted to sex.” He pulled his hair forward over his face and dragged his fingers over his eyes and down past his stubble to his neck. “I have to meet with women and have sex with them. I’ve always had to do it.” He began to cry. “I made up the excuse about the part-time job because I thought if I kept it to twice a week I would be able to, I don’t know, manage it, I guess. I couldn’t stop myself before I met you. When I helped you recover from that dark time, you helped me recover too. You were… everything to me.” He tried to reach out but I backed away.
“Don’t touch me.” I snapped.
“I’d never hurt Aiden.” His eyes were glistening from the tears, and his skin shone under the kitchen lights. “I’m a… fucking idiot, I know that. But I would never hurt him.”
“How can I believe that?”
He covered the ground between us in an instant. “By looking in my eyes and knowing it’s true!” He grabbed me by the shoulders. “How have we got here, Emma? We love each other. You love me. How can you even think these things?”
“Because people hide their faces. They hide them for years and years, even to the people who are closest to them. You’ve hidden this from me for years. How can I trust anything you say or do anymore?” I yanked myself free from the tight grip he had on my shoulders. “You’re not the person I married, are you? You’re someone else, and as far as I’m concerned that someone else could be anyone.”
He took a step back and fingered the empty glass of Scotch on the kitchen side. “I have an alibi for the time Aiden was kidnapped. The other teachers saw me walking around the school.”
“I know,” I said. “Simon from IT, apparently, who got a little confused a few weeks ago until you went into the station and sorted it out. What did you do? Pay him off? The guy is a slimy shit, Jake, so I’m not surprised.”
He rolled his eyes. “You still don’t believe me.”
I turned away. “I don’t know what to believe anymore.”
“Oh, come on, Emma. Do you really believe Aiden would live in this house if I really was the kidnapper?”
I faltered. “I don’t know. He’s not… I’m not sure he remembers.”
“All the shit I’ve had to put up with. Teenage sons coming back from the dead. Ex-boyfriends taking up all your time. And I know you go gallivanting around town while I’m at work. You couldn’t give a shit about me. I mean, come on. I’m the first person you blame when things get tough, and even when I tell you the truth you don’t listen to me.”
“I am listening. I just don’t know what to believe or who to trust. You must see why, Jake. My life has been turned upside down over the last few weeks. I’ve been driven almost to insanity by the things that have happened. It’s just… too much. I don’t know where to turn.”
“That’s why I’m here.” Gently, he spun me around to face him. “I’m here to help you get through all this. And I will be, I swear. I’m so sorry I’ve let you down. I never meant for any of this to happen.”
“Is it true?” I whispered. “Have you really been sleeping with other women? Why? I’m not enough for you?”
His eyes welled with tears and his arms dropped down to his sides. He was hunched over like a broken toy. “You’re everything for me. You really are. But… it’s an affliction. I should have got help for it… I… I think I’m addicted to casual sex.”
“My heart fucking bleeds.”
Fresh anger worked through me and I needed to do something to use up all the pent-up energy. I paced back and forth in front of the kitchen table, pulling on my hair until it hurt. Why did all this have to happen now?
“I’m sorry, Emma,” he whined. He was full-on crying now, with snot dripping from his nose. “I swear it. I’ll never do it again. I’ll go through therapy. I’ll do whatever you want me to do.”
“I want you to leave. No… forget it. I hate living in this house anyway. I’ll go. I’ll take Aiden and we’ll go to Josie’s for a few days. Then we can sort out what we’re going to do going forwards. For fuck’s sake, my due date is in a week. I’m having your child and you’re fucking other women.” As heat spread through my veins, I found a coffee mug on the kitchen table, snatched it up, and hurled it across the room. Jake ducked, and the mug hit the extractor fan above the stove, smashing into pieces.
“Jesus… if that had hit me….”
“It didn’t.”
“Emma, I don’t want you to leave.” The smashing of the mug had sobered us. Jake’s crying had stopped and he spoke at a regular, low level. “I love you so much. You mean the world to me. I would never hurt Aiden. I’d never hurt a child, Emma. You believe that, right?”
I let out a long sigh and nodded. “I believe that much, yes. I think, anyway. But I can’t stay here, Jake. You’ve betrayed my trust. I can’t have Aiden around someone I don’t trust. Not right now.”
“But we’re having a baby. The crib is all set up. Our little girl is coming into the world soon. You can’t just up and leave a few days before your due date. What about the baby, Emma? Doesn’t she deserve to come into this world with all the comforts she needs?”
“I… I could have some stuff taken to Josie’s,” I said uncertainly.
/> “And what is Josie going to think of all that? The woman is infertile and you’re going to bring a newborn baby into her home just a few weeks after her husband left her? That’s pretty low, Emma.”
“Fine, then I’ll find my own place.”
“Don’t leave,” he pleaded. “Don’t break up this family. I know you love me. I can change. I will change for you.”
“I can’t trust you anymore,” I whimpered. I was tired. So tired. I sank down into one of the kitchen chairs.
“I can’t live without you.” Jake poured another glass of Scotch and drank half in one go. His eyes and nose were wet from crying. His skin was pale and there were red rims around his eyes. He seemed older. “I just can’t. You’re everything to me, Emma.”
I flinched. “Don’t say that.”
“Face it, without each other we both have nothing. Neither of us have any family, not that count any—”
“I have Aiden.”
“I’m sorry, love, but he doesn’t even speak to you.”
“Stop it, Jake.”
“You have to face the fact that he isn’t the boy you thought died all those years ago. Aiden isn’t that boy anymore and I’m not sure you’ll ever connect with him again.”
My chin began to tremble. “Don’t say that.”
“Emma, we need each other. We need to stay together for the baby.”
I was so tired. I didn’t want to fight anymore. I just wanted it all to stop.
“Don’t leave me, Emma. I’ll go to counselling. I’ll get help. This will all work out. You’ll see. I promise.”
37
No one wants to believe they are weak, but we all have weakness inside us. We have strength, too, but there are times when the circumstances in our lives are so overwhelming that we easily succumb to that weakness. Jake wore me down that day. I was so tired I couldn’t fight anymore, and yes, I felt trapped. What he said about Josie did hit me hard. She was my best friend and I hadn’t thought about what it would do to her to have a newborn baby in her home. My parents were dead. I didn’t have my own home. I was one week away from the due date for the birth of our child. I was emotionally drained, physically weak, and easily swayed by what seemed like the easier option at the time. I stayed in the house with the compromise that Jake slept on the sofa. The next morning, I waited in the bedroom pretending to be asleep until he left for work.
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