Know that this is normal—grief is a process and not an event.
Seeking professional help from a well-trained counsellor, general practitioner, priest or minister, or attending a grief support group, will allow those who are suffering to feel supported in the loving presence of others. It can provide a place where they feel they can talk about their loved one, receive encouragement and learn ‘tools’ for strategies to deal with their loss.
Different styles of grieving
It is thought that there are two styles of grieving, with the majority of people using a combination of both. When using the ‘intuitive approach’, individuals seek out social support and tend to focus on their emotional aspects of loss, around managing their feelings.
For others, they will adapt the ‘instrumental approach’, focusing on thinking about their loss; their grief is often expressed through activity and problem solving.
Grace unknowingly used a combination of both of these styles of grieving to assist her and Samantha in dealing with Richard’s passing. Grace was all Samantha had, and Samantha looked to her mum to learn how to understand her dad’s death. Grace was honest, open, and gave her clear and direct information about her dad’s condition. Samantha was allowed to participate in his funeral— she placed her favourite teddy bear in his coffin when they viewed the body because she felt he needed something to cuddle up to when the nights got cold.
Grace had thought long and hard about how she would get Samantha through Richard’s passing. Perhaps if Samantha had been a teenager, it would have been a different story—teenage ways of coping sometimes create tension with other adults.
Staying out late with friends, playing loud music and not showering are typical types of adolescent behaviour dealing with the normal issues of independence and separation from parents.
Yet these developmental tasks can interfere with their capacity to receive support from the adults around them in dealing with their grief.
Well, thankfully for Grace, Samantha was only five years old.
However, after a year of struggling and trying to be both mother and father to Samantha, Grace’s health was starting to fail her. The medical professions do acknowledge that grief can cause a reduction in the functioning of the immune system, leading to colds, influenza, anxiety, sleeping difficulties and depression.
Luckily for Grace, she could see where she was heading and she sought help. If you feel this way, or someone close to you points out that you seem to be suffering from some of these symptoms, seek the help of a professional immediately—after all, your dearly departed would only want the very best for you in health and vitality.
41
Life is a celebration Life is a celebration
Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies.
Mother Teresa
Where do you begin? How do you cope with the memory of someone you loved so much, who was so dear to you, whose life and love was so treasured? Sometimes actions speak louder than words, and being in a state of ‘doing’ can assist you in the processes of taking baby steps forward towards tomorrow. So I have compiled a list of inspirational (remember inspiration means ‘in-Spirit’) ways to honour your dearly departed.
Honour your loved one
There are many ways to cherish the memory of your loved ones after they have crossed over so that their memory lives on. You could start a daily journal or diary, writing down your feelings, happy moments together, holidays enjoyed, little sayings that you shared.
Learn to verbally express your feelings to others, the good and the not so good. Remember, a problem shared is a problem halved.
Consider having a dedicated space for your dearly departed.
This could be a table, mantelpiece or a shrine with precious photos, memorabilia, perfume, hairbrush, jewellery and toys; something that gives your senses an instant recall of your loved one. You could also compile a photo album, scrapbook or slide show of their life to share with relatives and friends. Remembering the good times keeps your heart warm with fond thoughts and times shared.
To honour your loved one in the local community, donate a book prize to a local school or educational institute in your beloved’s name; consider a perpetual scholarship for a disadvantaged person or student named in their honour; or plant a tree to sustain the environment for future generations. Another idea could be to start a charity in their name to assist others who have similar interests or disadvantages. If they were a returned serviceperson, have someone march in their place on memorial days. Be proud of their achievements and what they stood for.
On anniversaries, birthdays and sacred days, relive your loved one’s life by reminding yourself of five things that would have brought them joy on that occasion. If they rang a special friend, keep the tradition alive; if they bought a present for a homeless person, do the same. It is the little things we remember and do that spark a light within our soul as we bring to mind how precious they were.
If your child has lost one of their parents, a grandparent or an animal, you may consider purchasing a special box, to be placed in the child’s bedroom, there to be used to store and collect letters, postcards, paintings, birthday cards and celebration items they would have loved to share. They can write stories about their special pet and the good times they enjoyed together. You may even like to put the beloved’s name on the box, just as Samantha did in loving memory of her dad.
Little treasures become storehouses of instant memories, soft ways of actively participating while grieving for those who have passed on. Maybe they would like to bury the pet’s toy with their pet. Children grieve in different ways to adults, and allowing them a special tool to work through grief is healthy. Don’t forget to notify their school teacher about any death in the family—this will allow them to better understand that the child has a change in their behaviour. With each action, there becomes an active way of holding the essences of love and devotion alive in the minds and hearts of those who are loved.
As Jess sat down for her reading, I couldn’t help but notice the suffering in her eyes and how frail she looked. Her hands shook as she pulled out a picture of her boyfriend, Benjamin, the reason for her a ‘Dearly Departed’ session. As I tuned in, I could hear ambulance sirens and I saw police at the base of a tall building.
My eyes were then drawn to a balcony—I sensed there had been a fall. I heard a man’s voice with a thick South African accent—it was Benjamin coming through. He stood behind Jess, placing both his hands on her shoulders as if to still her presence.
‘Tell her I’m proud of the decision she’s made for my ashes. I know the pain and suffering this has brought. I’m at peace with her choice—it’s right for half to go home to my parents and the remainder to be scattered here. I considered both countries my home,’ Benjamin told me.
Jess had tears flowing down her face, but her colour had now returned.
‘Does that make sense, Jess?’ I asked. She went on to explain that she met Benjamin while travelling in South Africa. When she returned to Australia six months later, he followed. He fell in love with her and the country. They were partying at a friend’s apartment when Benjamin stepped out for a cigarette, lost his balance and fell many floors to his death.
She had to organise the funeral and cremation by herself, and then make the decision regarding his ashes. She wanted to keep him close by, but since he was an only child, she knew his parents also expressed the same sentiments. The reading had now given her confirmation; her decision had been correct. Benjamin’s ashes had been cremated and divided into two urns; one was to return to South Africa, where his parents were to scatter his ashes on his favourite beach, and Jess had thought she would take the other half of the ashes to the mountains where the couple spent so much of their free time.
‘Georgina, I know he would love to rest overlooking the valley where we spent many weekends,’ she said.
You too may wish to consider a special place filled with memories or
significance for you and your beloved. Several of my clients have chosen to place some of their special person’s ashes in a locket they wear around their neck. You could also plant a bush or tree at the cemetery, plot or crematorium, and tend to it with love and attention. One of my clients had her beloved dog preserved, like in the museums, and her companion sits in her lounge room watching over her daily life.
To help children through their process of grief, encourage them to attach a small piece of birthday cake, a painting or a card to a helium balloon (you may need more than one balloon), to be allowed to fly up into the sky, giving the child the concept of heaven and earth. Or they could adopt the kite-flying exercise, like Samantha did. Another nice way to keep the memory alive is to name a star after their dearly departed. On anniversaries or birthdays, visit the local observatory to view your special person shining down upon you. If your child is frightened of the dark, this can be a very special way of letting them know they are being watched and protected, with the rays of light beaming down on them as they sleep.
Complete a project your loved one had started, for example finishing the gardening, or raising money for the local building fund; and if your loved one had a planned holiday to a special destination, consider fulfilling that dream in their honour.
If you’re getting married, carry a small picture of your dearly departed in your bouquet or in your suit pocket, as though they’re walking down the aisle with you on that special day. A photo of your loved one can be placed in the floral decorations on the bridal table, facing the bride and groom, giving them a special place and honouring their contribution to the family and keeping their memory alive.
It was approaching the first anniversary of Victoria’s passing.
Ralph had been a devoted husband and was finally opening his heart to love again. He had been dating a new woman for almost two months, and he felt within his spirit that he needed to do something in Victoria’s memory but he didn’t know what. He could see a new life unfolding for his future and was torn in which direction to go.
I suggested he consider a ritual, as I have discovered with other clients that adopting some aspect of a ritual can be very helpful in the grief process. I asked him to consider a ‘farewell ceremony’.
Victoria and Ralph had loved fishing at the lakes, so I suggested he make a paper boat and write ‘Victoria’ on the side. Was there something he wanted to tell her, perhaps ‘Thank you’ or ‘I love you’? Maybe he could write this inside the boat, or just say it to himself as he placed the boat on the waters at the high tide, allowing the receding waters to take it on a final journey of setting their connection free.
Another ritual can be to light a candle in your loved one’s honour, either weekly or on special occasions, to bring a wonderful sense of reverence and calm into your life.
Don’t go to pieces—honour their life by cherishing your own. Eat healthily, have regular medical check-ups, get plenty of sleep, learn to laugh again and rent plenty of comedy DVDs.
Laughter is great medicine for the soul. Become active—try gardening, visiting the gym, walking and spending time in nature to recharge your batteries. Bathing yourself in spiritual awareness can aid grieving by allowing a better understanding of the life and death process. Investigate spirituality, religion and different philosophies.
To move on with your life, make a start with a new hobby or craft, or join a different social group. If you’re active and happy, your dearly departed will feel more freedom. Keep spiritual stillness by learning to meditate or taking an active meditation course in tai chi or qigong.
Volunteer work can also help overcome grief; when you’re helping others, you have less time to be self-absorbed and depressed. Keep a gratitude diary to remind yourself of the good things in life. Each day, write down five things to appreciate. They can be as simple as being grateful for the fresh air you breathe, the food you have in your fridge, the friend who rang you today, a comfortable bed to sleep in and a safe haven to rest after the day’s activities.
Many people continue to grieve in subtle ways, one step at a time, and one day at a time. Consider embracing a form of ritual, be it daily, weekly or yearly. This can assist in the process of moving forward, while still honouring your loved one’s memory to burn bright within your hearts and minds.
Life doesn’t end, love goes on. We are always loved, helped and watched over by our dearly departeds.
I would like to leave you with the following story to ponder and reflect on as you move towards tomorrow on your own soul’s journey.
Two wolves—A traditional Native American story
One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people.
He said: ‘My son, the battle is between two “wolves” inside us all. One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority and ego. The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.’
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, ‘Which wolf wins?’
The old Cherokee simply replied, ‘The one you feed.’
Resources
Books
Chopra, Deepak, Life after Death, Harmony Books, London, 2006
Hardo, Trutz, Children Who Have Lived Before, Rider, London, 2005
Knight, Sirona, The Book of Reincarnation, Barrons, New York, 2002
Kuhl, MD, David, What Dying People Want, ABC Books, Sydney, 2005 Miller, PhD, Sukie, After Death, Touchstone, New York, 1998
Van Praagh, James, Heaven and Earth, Simon & Schuster, New York, 2001
Van Praagh, James, Healing Grief, Hodder, Sydney, 2000
Van Praagh, James, Talking to Heaven, Hodder, Sydney, 1998
Various, The Essential Dictionary of Quotations, Hinkler Books, Dingley, 1992
Weiss, Brian, Same Soul, Many Bodies, Piatkus Books, London, 2004
Weiss, Brian, Many Lives, Many Masters, Simon & Schuster, New York, 1988 Williamson, Linda, Children and the Spirit World, Piatkus Books, London, 1997
Websites
About.com, Death & Dying, dying.about.com [27 June 2007, 25 August 2007]
Anncath-Roby, Catherine and Byron Pulsifer, Inspirational Words of Wisdom, www.wow4u.com/death-dying-quotes/index.html [26 August 2007]
Australian National University, Australian Dictionary of Biography—Online Edition, www.adb.online.anu.edu.au/biogs/A110409b.htm [19 May 2007]
Centre for Leadership for Women, Memorable Quotes, www.leadershipforwomen.com.au/quotes.htm [4 September 2007]
Enough is Enough Anti-Violence Movement Inc, An Interview with Ken Marslew, www.enoughisenough.org.au/interview [5 June 2007]
Enough is Enough Anti-Violence Movement Inc, The Peacemaker PDF, www.enoughisenough.org.au/assets/file/pd/the_peacemaker/pdf[5 June 2007]
Faze Magazine Canada, Eileen Harrigan, The Dalai Lama, www.fazeteen.com/winter2001/dalailama.htm
[19 June 2007] HeartMath LLC, HeartQuotes: Quotes of the Heart, heartquotes.net/communication.html [26 August 2007]
Hollow Hill, Fiona Broome, Eibhlin Morey MacIntosh, Historical Quotations about Ghosts and Hauntings, www.hollowhill.com/historic-quotes.htm [25 August 2007]
In the Light of Angels, Angel and Inspirational Quotes, www.angelslight.org/quotes.html [26 August 2007]
Journey of Hearts, Kirsti A. Dyer MD, United in Courage and Grief, www.journeyofhearts.org/kirstimd/911_quote.htm [19 August 2007]
Michael Moncur, The Quotations Page, Quotations by Subject: Inspiration, www.quotationspage.com/subjects/inspiration [19 June 2007]
Native American, traditional, The White Buffalo, Mercer Online, www.merceronline.com/Native/native05.htm [13 May 2007]
Notable Quotes, Quotes on the Soul, www.notable-quotes.com/s/soul_quotes.html [24 June 2007]
RIGPA, The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying, rigpa.org/helping_the_dying.html [27
August 2007]
Sacred Dying Foundation, The Vigil Programs, www.sacreddying.org/vigil-programs.htm [29 April 2007]
Sam Meilach, Other Spiritual Quotes, www.meilach.com/spiritual/misc/other.html [24 June 2007]
Soul Future Spiritual and Dream Interpretation Site, Carine Rudman, Inspirational Quotes on the Mind, www.soulfuture.com/inspirational_quotes/iq_mind.asp [31 August 2007]
Various, Caduceus, Wikipedia, en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Caduceus [15 May 2007]
Victorian Government, Better Health Channel, www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au [25 January 2007]
Wisdom Quotes: Quotations to Inspire and Challenge, Jone Johnson Lewis, Gratitude Quotes, www.wisdomquotes.com/cat_gratitude.html [25 August 2007]
Wisdom Quotes: Quotations to Inspire and Challenge, Jone Johnson Lewis, Heaven Quotes, www.wisdomquotes.com/cat_heaven.html [31 August 2007]
Zaadz Community, Quotes about Death, www.zaadz.com/quotes/topics/death [27 June 2007]
Zaadz Community, Quotes about Hell, www.zaadz.com/quotes/topics/hell [27 August 2007]
Zaadz Community, Quotes about Intuition, www.zaadz.com/quotes/topics/intuition [25 August 2007]
Zaadz Community, Quotes about Pain, www.zaadz.com/quotes/topics/pain [27 August 2007]
Zaadz Community, Quotes about Prayer, www.zaadz.com/quotes/topics/prayer [29 August 2007]
Zaadz Community, Quotes about Soul, www.zaadz.com/quotes/topics/soul [24 June 2007]
Zaadz Community, Quotes about Suicide, www.zaadz.com/quotes/topics/suicide [26 June 2007]
WATCH OUT FOR GEORGINA’S NEXT BOOK:
Everyday Encounters with Those Who have Passed Over, and What They Teach about Life After Death
Dearly Departed Page 21