by Alexa Davis
As I burst into song – well, more trickled into it and worked my way up – I felt my confidence grow. With Kyle grinning at me, nodding happily, my voice grew louder and less shaky with every passing word. I could do this; I was sure I could…
But then it hit me with a crushing blow that it was very different to sing in the privacy of my home with only my brother watching me. Having all eyes on me was going to be very difficult. My chest constricted under the pressure of it, and all of a sudden, I couldn’t breathe.
“I think I’m going to go shower,” I told Kyle quickly. “That was a good practice. For now, I think I just need…”
He seemed to sense the intense pressure racing through my body because he simply let me go without a fight. He could have insisted that we kept on rehearsing until we both felt ready, but he was giving me space. I raced from the room gratefully, desperately needing to clear my own mind.
As I shut the door behind me, I flicked the shower on to hide the sound of my panic behind the running water. I was going to have to get over this. The fundraiser was on Saturday night; that gave me only three days to get my shit together. That wasn’t enough time, but it also didn’t give me too much time to fall apart. Maybe this would be okay, after all.
Growing up, I’d never bothered to have any dreams or desires for the future. All I wanted to do was get through every day. I just wanted to stick by my brother’s side. He was the only consistent thing in my life, and I was utterly petrified about losing him, too. If I hadn’t had him, I probably would have totally fallen apart. I wasn’t sure I would’ve been able to make it through anything.
Maybe singing was all I was good at; maybe I did need to get past my fear and try to make a career out of it. After all, it was unfair of me to expect Kyle to do everything for us.
I did have a part-time job at a diner nearby, but the shifts were sporadic and the boss was kind of a perv. I hated it, but it was the only work I could seem to get. No one wanted to hire someone with a minimal education and absolutely no work experience.
I was going to have to set some goals eventually. Maybe this was it. If I could just get past the fear, then maybe it wouldn’t be too hard.
As the hot jets of water streamed over my head, I tried to force myself to relax. I wanted my muscles to loosen, my head to straighten, but instead, all I could think about was what it’d be like to get up on the stage with everyone staring at me. I’d been told that stage lighting meant you couldn’t see the audience, but I would still know that they were there. I’d still be aware that their eyes were piercing into my soul.
How do people do that? How do people make it their careers to stand up in front of people without falling apart?
I just couldn’t see it, and it drove me crazy. I wanted to be that confident, I wished I could have that natural tendency to just put myself out there, but deep down I’d always be a wallflower. I could tie my long dark hair up into a cool style, I could cover my face in enough makeup to highlight my best features, I could wear something awesome, but I’d still always feel shy inside.
On that note, I did need to find something incredible to wear. I was going to have to practice how I looked. I needed all the help I could get! I didn’t have anything amazing in my wardrobe, but if we couldn’t afford the bills, there was no way I could justify a new outfit. I was just going to have to try and do my best with what I had… the way I always lived life.
I quickly worked out that focusing on my outfit was so much better than worrying about how my voice was going to sound. I enjoyed that worry – it felt a bit more normal – so I ran with it, allowing the anxiety to simply ebb away. Dresses, skirts, pants… I liked thinking about them. I never got to get dressed up for work, so maybe I could find the silver lining on this cloud, after all.
And, I was going to have to look nice if I would potentially end up looking for new work. I needed people to see me as someone they might actually want to hire. If I was going to have to do it, then I needed to do it right.
Chapter Five
Xander (Saturday)
While the rest of the world tapped away on their phones inside the coffee shop I visited every day, I crinkled the pages of my newspaper.
I didn’t care if Michael and everyone else saw me as old-fashioned, I liked the way I was. I felt comfortable enough in myself to just be me. I just preferred to find out the world’s events via newspaper, rather than on a screen. I also liked to read paperbacks, rather than eBooks.
“What’s going on?” Michael queried as he burst through the front door with a massive grin on his face, which instantly put my guard up.
I’d already been forced to suffer a very detailed explanation about what had happened between him and the waitress, Steph, in the bathroom of that dive bar. I didn’t want to know if he’d been back there again. I was still having nightmares! He did not have any shame when it came to graphic, very private, information, even when it became obvious that I didn’t want to hear it.
“Anything happening in the world?”
“Just the usual,” I sighed, folding my paper away. “Politics garbage, celebrity scandals, finances are crap. What’s going on with you?”
“Just spoke to Steph.” I cringed, expecting the worst. “I might actually take her out to dinner tonight. I like this one.” From Michael, that was a huge compliment. That was the closest thing to love I’d ever heard him admit. “Pizza, maybe, or French food. Who knows?”
“Wow, things are getting serious.” I grinned, feeling a little weird that he actually seemed to like someone. It was changing the status quo, and I didn’t feel ready. “Are you sure you’re ready for that sort of commitment? Second date, that’s crazy.”
“First, technically.” He shrugged smilingly, unabashed that he was seemingly opening his heart. “I didn’t take her out the first time, did I?”
I rolled my eyes and leaned forward to plead with him once more about what I wanted him to do. “Why don’t you do that another night? Come to the fundraiser with me tonight.”
I’d been trying to get him to join me, but he wasn’t having any of it. In fact, the first time I’d mentioned it, he’d practically bit my head off. Sure, some of that may’ve been the hangover, but it was also because he wanted to keep his own childhood a secret.
We acted like we had no history, but that wasn’t technically the case. For a brief period of eighteen months, when I was twelve years old and Michael was almost ten, we lived together in the same foster home. Unfortunately, due to Michael’s behavioral problems at the time, he was moved around a lot, so he wasn’t in my life for long.
We didn’t keep in contact then, much too young to make that sort of commitment, but we bumped into one another randomly in a bar on his twenty-second birthday when I was out celebrating an early success from my music career. There had been an instant recognition.
He’d stumbled over to me in the bar and reintroduced himself, but begged me not to tell anyone where he grew up. He’d seemed embarrassed by it, unwilling to share it with anyone, which I respected. I didn’t particularly want anyone to know about my past, either, but I wasn’t as secretive as Michael. Even now, we didn’t talk about it. Bringing it up had been a risky move, and it hadn’t paid off this time.
“You know I can’t come,” he snapped back angrily, his temper rising, his face growing red. “I don’t want anything to do with it.”
“But it’s such a good cause,” I insisted, trying to break down some of his walls. He needed to tear them down eventually. At least, around me. I’d been through it, too, why couldn’t he understand that I’d get it? “You know as well as I do that the foster homes need more funding to make kid’s lives better. We went through it; we know how rough it is.”
“Just stop it,” he hissed, glancing around wildly, as if he was afraid someone would overhear. “I’m not coming. I have plans with Steph; that’s the end of it.”
“That’s a shame,” I sighed loudly. “I suppose I’ll just have to do it alon
e.”
I was annoyed that Michael wasn’t coming with me. I felt like he should want to help other kids in our situation, but I couldn’t change his mind. He was as stubborn as he was hot headed. This was something I would just have to face it by myself. What’s the worst that can happen?
***
As I walked around the decorated ballroom, I felt emotions welling up inside of me. I hadn’t expected to feel so affected by everything, but it was getting to me, dragging up memories I hadn’t expected to ever think about again. I recalled the sadness, the strong sense of being alone, and the hopelessness that I’d never have any real future. I wondered if the kids here today felt that way, too. I wanted to be able to inspire them, to offer them messages of hope, but I felt like a hypocrite since I’d been handed the money that kickstarted my future.
These kids didn’t have that. It wasn’t fair for me to assume that I was like them anymore. These days, I was worlds apart.
“Hi, sir!” a young girl called up to me, grabbing my attention. “Would you like to come and play this game or maybe buy a raffle ticket?” She was so sweet, about eight years old, so I found myself drawn toward where she was trying to raise some money. I instantly felt an affinity with her, recognizing what she was going through and the desperation of her life, even if she wasn’t showing it.
“That sounds great, thank you.” I handed over some cash and started tossing the rings over the poles, without much effort. I certainly didn’t need to win the cheap bottles of wine. I just wanted to give more money. I might have made a sizable donation already, but there was always more that could be done. “This is awesome; did you help with the decorations?”
“We all helped!” She practically burst with excitement as she told me that. “We spent all day doing it. And, we went to the store to get raffle prizes. Everyone was nice to us.”
As we talked some more and she told me everything they’d been doing all day long, my heart warmed to her. I felt great that I’d come now, and more than just for the potential new talent.
All the other rich people here seemed to just be putting on a show. None of them were interacting with the kids, treating them like human beings. I got the distinct impression that it was all about appearance for them. They didn’t care about the cause, at all. It wound me up, actually. It made me want to scream and yell at them.
I only didn’t because it was pointless; they wouldn’t listen no matter what I said.
“Hi, there, Xander.” I was distracted by a female voice calling out from behind me. “It’s nice to see you here. I’m so glad you came.”
I spun around to see a face that I awkwardly didn’t recognize. She had long blond hair and a heart-shaped face.
“Oh sorry.” She giggled like a fool, clearly seeing my confusion. “I’m Jo. I’ve spoken to you over email quite a bit. I organized this event.”
“Ah, right, of course.” I reached out and shook her hand. “Thank you for inviting me. I’m glad I came.”
“It’s wonderful to have you. We appreciate your donation.” She nodded slowly and continued to smile. “You don’t know how much you’ve helped us.”
“Well, after going through the foster care system myself, I know how much the donations are needed.” I gestured around the room to all the kids. “These children are brilliant, and events like this help the world to see that.”
I hated the way foster kids were so often looked upon like they were less worthy than anyone else. They spent enough time thinking that about themselves; they didn’t need anyone else to have that opinion, too.
A voice rang out in Jo’s earpiece, dragging her attention away from me. “Oh, the entertainment is just about to start. Please, let me take you to your seat.”
It was the VIP treatment that I didn’t want, but I didn’t make a fuss, either. I would then be the one making it all about me and tonight was about everyone else, so I simply followed her, hope growing in my chest. I wasn’t sure why, but I had a good feeling about what I was going to see. I felt like I might find someone good… I felt better about this than I had at the dive bar, anyway.
Or maybe that was just hope speaking.
Jo chatted away to me the entire way across the room, but I was barely listening. My eyes were flickering all over the place, drinking everything in. Luckily, she was speaking so much that she didn’t need me to answer her. She was one of those chatty types, which worked out well.
“Oh, hello, Lila and Kyle,” she gasped loudly, dragging my attention toward two people who stood anxiously by the edge of the stage. They both had dark hair and deep blue eyes, looking as if they could be twins. The guy smiled at me, quite relaxed, but the woman was pale and shaky, as if nerves were tearing through her body. I examined her closely, wondering what was wrong with her. “Oh, Xander, let me introduce you to one of the acts. I just need to go and help them out backstage. Is that all right?”
Wow, they were going to sing? I couldn’t imagine this woman getting any words out without throwing up, never mind a whole song. Still, we would see.
“Sure, sure, I can find my own seat.” I smiled, but I didn’t move away immediately. There was something holding me in place. I couldn’t tear myself away from Lila. Maybe it was because she looked utterly terrified or maybe it was something else... I wasn’t sure but I was intrigued. She hadn’t even looked at me yet, and I felt weird inside.
But then Jo took the pair away and the magic was broken.
As I moved toward my seat, I couldn’t stop thinking about Lila’s face. Her pale skin, her plump red lips, the wisps of hair that fell past her cheeks… She was beautiful, captivating, and I hoped she managed to get over her nerves enough to sing. I was intrigued to hear her voice. I hoped that as soon as she got out there and started to sing, the anxiety would give way to something beautiful.
Someone handed me a glass of champagne, but I couldn’t even drink it. All I could do was stare at the stage and wait for her to come out. I was nervous for her. I wanted her to do well, and not just for my own benefit. Sure, I would love it if she turned out to be the new person we signed, but also, I wanted her to do well for herself. I got the distinct impression she needed it.
Chapter Six
Lila (Saturday)
Oh, my God, I can’t do this. Vomit swirled around in my stomach, anxiety pulsed through me, and my palms dripped with sweat. The nerves I’d felt showing my song to Kyle was nothing compared to tonight.
All the relaxation techniques I’d attempted throughout the day to settle myself went flying out of the window. I was scared, utterly petrified, and that’s all there was to it.
But I couldn’t back down, not now. I’d made it this far, I couldn’t turn away. The kids were relying on me, Kyle needed me, and the huge stack of bills at home needed me to at least try.
“You’ll be okay,” Kyle whispered reassuringly, patting me on the back. “It won’t be as bad as you think.”
I nodded rapidly, trying to act like I was holding it all together, but I wasn’t sure the message was coming across properly. The fact that I was shaking all over gave the game away. Even the little black dress that I’d cinched in, trying to make it look a little more expensive, didn’t help. I’d done what I could with my appearance, focusing a lot of my time on that, but it wasn’t helping. Not one bit.
“It’ll only be a few moments, anyway,” he continued to try to comfort me. “We’re only doing the one song. How bad can three minutes be?”
Actually, that did help. He’s right, three minutes. That isn’t exactly life changing, is it? I could surely donate such a short amount of sheer humiliation.
“Okay,” I gasped, finally managing to speak. “Okay, yeah, I can do that.”
I peeked out onto the stage, realizing that I couldn’t actually see the audience, which was good. I was still utterly terriefied, but now that I was at the point of gearing myself up, I wanted it over with as quickly as humanly possible.
“We’re up in a minute,” Kyle warned me.
“Are you ready? Do you want me to see if we can change positions?”
“I’m ready,” I told him firmly. “I need to get this done now.”
At least, I thought I was ready. But as I heard the announcer calling out our names, that cold, icy sensation crept up over my body once more.
“And now, Kyle and Lila Monrose singing an original song…”
Kyle walked out, a surprising confidence to his step, so I followed behind him. I couldn’t act like I was feeling anything other than what I was. My feet were practically tiptoeing like it was my first day of school or something. I knew Kyle was anxious, too. He didn’t like big crowds; how could he act like he wasn’t? I watched in amazement as he slid behind the grand piano, looking totally at home.
I sucked in a deep breath and continued shakily over to the microphone. I tried to get the sense that this was where I belonged, but it wasn’t quite happening. I wrapped my fingers around the stand and slid my eyes shut for a moment. Kyle started tapping away on the keys, bringing the song to life, and I opened my mouth…
Something magical happened.
My voice came out strong and powerful. I appeared to find something special deep inside of me. I wasn’t sure where it had come from, how I’d managed to make it happen, but there it was. The song burst free from my chest and it felt incredible.
***
“Oh, my God!” Kyle cried happily the second we raced backstage. “You were amazing. You did even better than at home. Who knew you had such a powerful voice!”
“I know!” I giggled as hysteria consumed me. “I don’t know what happened, it just sort of… Well, I don’t know.”
“That is what you should be doing with your life,” he told me firmly. “You shouldn’t be wasting away in that gross old diner. I know we need the money to keep a roof over our heads, but I actually think you could make a career out of singing.”