by Alexa Davis
“It isn’t just sex,” I replied quietly. “I like her, I mean like her, but that isn’t impacting on my decision. Whatever you think, I know they have what it takes. I genuinely believe in them.”
“Sounds like you’ve been sucked in by her feminine charms, if you ask me.”
I watched him for a moment, wondering why he was so upset about this. It seemed to be about so much more than just my relationship with Lila. I knew that he wasn’t going to like that, but I’d never thought he’d react so heavily.
“What’s going on with you?” I demanded, refusing to take his shit any longer. “There seems to be a whole lot more to this than you being mad at me. You understand that you can talk to me, right? I’ve always been your friend, and I always will be.”
“If you were my friend, you wouldn’t threaten my future just to get your away!” he snarled at me, but when I didn’t react, his face softened just a little. “I just can’t take any more of this uncertainty. Everything seems to be falling apart.”
Okay, we were finally starting to get to the root of the problem. This wouldn’t be easy. Michael was so difficult to get to open up, but I leaned in closer and waited for him to speak again. I didn’t want to say anything that would freak him out.
“I just... I guess I’ve been pissed off ever since I broke up with Steph.” Oh, my God, was that actual emotion shining in his eyes? Over the waitress he picked up in a dingy bar and screwed in the bathroom? I’d thought that things were a little more serious with her than with anyone else, but I’d had no idea he would be this upset about it. “She screwed me up, you know?”
“What happened?” I asked quietly.
“She cheated on me,” he replied quietly. “She’s the first woman I’ve ever cared about, and she found someone better.”
Holy fuck, this is insane. I’d never seen my friend even care about anyone, never mind give a shit about cheating. Of course, it was normally him who did the messing around. I rapidly moved closer to him and threw my arm around him in what I hoped would be a comforting gesture. “I’m sorry, Michael. I didn’t know things were like that for you. I thought she was just another short-term thing.”
“Maybe I did, too, until I went to meet her from work and I saw her fucking some lawyer in a nearby alleyway.” He shook his head sadly, tears leaking from his eyes. I didn’t know what to do. In all the years I’d known Michael, I had never seen this side of him. “I’ll never be enough for anyone.”
“What are you talking about?” I exclaimed. “Everyone adores you. Loads of people love you.”
“My mom doesn’t.” My heart skipped a beat. Was he about to let me in? “Did you know that she had five more kids after me? She kept them all. She neglected me so much that I ended up in the care system, but she kept all of them. What was wrong with me, huh?”
“Maybe... She probably tried to get you back, but couldn’t,” I said hopefully.
He was already shaking his head. “Nope, I read my file. When she gave birth to her daughter, my sister, I guess, they tried to get her to take me back, but she wouldn’t have me.”
“Are you serious?” Despite all the crappy stories I’d heard about children in care, this touched me the deepest. There didn’t seem to be any excuse for that sort of behavior.
“Yep, apparently, she got bad postnatal depression after she had me, and she was scared of it coming back. I think there was some other stuff with my father, too, but it still seems unfair. None of that is my fault, yet I’m the one who’s had to suffer all these years.”
“Wow, I don’t even know what to say. I’m sorry.” I was totally blown away. No wonder Michael was so weirdly private about his past. My mom might have picked drugs, but she didn’t have other kids living with her. She’d only refused and rejected me once. That was bad enough, but what Michael had gone through was so much worse.
“Yeah, well, I guess that’s why I’m always such a dick.” He shrugged one shoulder. “I’m sorry for the way I’ve been acting.”
“Me, too.” We smiled at each other, sharing a moment, everything being forgiven. This was more like it, the way we usually made up. It would’ve been that way from the start had the whole mess with Steph not happened. No wonder Michael was hurt. He’d lost the first woman he’d ever let in.
“So, Lila, huh?” His tone was much kinder now. He was forgiving me. “She’s nice. I can see you two together.”
“Yeah, she’s great.” I knew I had a dreamy look in my eyes and didn’t even care. I was happy. I was falling for Lila. Of course, I felt bad for being so upbeat when my friend was going through such heartache, but he had asked.
“Well, then, I’m glad you met her. You deserve someone who makes you happy.”
“You do, too, and that person will come along eventually.”
We started to talk more normally now, any weirdness simply melting away. Deep down, underneath it all, no matter what happened between us, we would always be like brothers. Even more so now that I knew him better. It might have taken years, but he’d finally let me in. Our bond was stronger than ever.
When I left Michael’s home a little while later, I felt on top of the world. I’d taken the bold step of going to my friend’s home to sort things out, and the result had been phenomenal. I wanted to take that good mood further.
I wanted to hang out with Lila. Especially now that we could be more open, since everyone knew about us. I wanted to kiss her, hold her in my arms, and make love to her over and over again. But when I called her and she didn’t answer, my plan was kyboshed. I felt disappointed, but I knew she must be busy, so I texted her instead.
Hey, Lila, hope you’re all right. Give me a call when you get this. I miss your sexy face :) Speak soon, Xander xxx
Then I made my way home feeling much more positive about life. Things were good now. The only issue left was the business, which I would sort out easily, then everything would be perfect. What could go wrong?
Chapter Thirty
Lila (Tuesday)
I was officially a pin cushion, and it made me feel like complete and utter shit.
I was having test after test after test, and it was driving me crazy. I knew the doctors were trying to do their best for me, and that all of this was essential to find out exactly how to look after me, but I couldn’t help getting increasingly grumpy. If I had to go through one more round of blood tests, I might just scream. I gave the nurse a bright, fake grin as she left the room, but inside my emotions were churning.
At least I had Kyle. He hadn’t left my side for even a second the entire time. I didn’t know what I’d do without him. Except I realized just how exhausted and scruffy he looked.
He hadn’t slept, ate, or washed properly in that whole time. Much as I didn’t want him to go, he needed a rest. I had to think about him in all of this, too; he was suffering almost as much as me. Plus, he had the added pressure of trying to keep me upbeat while I tried to figure out how to deal with this cancer diagnosis.
“You go home for a bit,” I told him in a croaky voice, making my mind up. “Go and have a nap and a shower.” There was no point in Kyle sitting around here all the time while nothing was going on. I could deal with a short time alone, couldn’t I?
“I’m not leaving you,” he shot back, just as I knew he would. It was almost as if he was afraid of leaving me by myself, in case I did something crazy. “You need me.”
I was going to have to tell some lies if I was going to get rid of him. Much as that wasn’t something I wanted, it was right for him.
“Look, I need some sleep myself, and I can’t rest properly if you’re here. Just give me a few hours, yeah? Then I can be refreshed, and you’ll be more equipped to deal with this nightmare, too.” Blame it on myself, that was the only way I could do it. He wouldn’t leave if he even slightly suspected that I wanted him to remain.
He eyed me curiously, before finally accepting defeat. “Okay, but I’ll have my cell phone with me the whole time so you call me if you
need me.” He shook his phone at me, as if I wasn’t getting the hint. I knew he wouldn’t let me go without a way to speak to him, since he seemed utterly terrified that he might miss something.
“I’ll be fine.” I forced myself to chuckle, trying to keep as upbeat as possible. “I have all the doctors here. I’m in the best hands, but if I need you I’ll call you.”
“Right, okay...” But even as he walked toward the door, he kept glancing back at me as if he thought I was going to spontaneously combust or something. He cared, it was nice to feel looked after in that moment, but I did want him to go now. I cared about him, too, even if he didn’t need me to.
But even though he clearly didn’t want to, he left, which allowed me to relax and breathe a little deeper. I didn’t realize it while he was here, but it was nice to have some time alone. I couldn’t really deal with my thoughts with Kyle here. I was just trying to push them to one side the entire time, to put on a brave face for him.
Throat cancer.
I still couldn’t believe it. Those words continued to race through my mind and right through my body, spreading a weird numbness as they went. None of this felt real at all. I still didn’t know how serious it was, so I couldn’t even begin to make any plans.
All I knew for sure was that one minute I was living the high life, recording in a real-life studio, living with the brother I adored, hanging out with an awesome guy. Now everything was on hold. My life was potentially in danger, I could be about to lose absolutely everything.
Cancer was pretty much a death sentence, wasn’t it? Why did I still feel so numb about that? I should’ve come to terms with things a bit more now. I should have some idea about what that was doing to me. I’d had a couple of days to think about it all, and I hadn’t gotten anywhere with that. I was still just as confused as ever.
“Hello, Lila.” Ugh, just when I thought I was going to get some time alone, the doctor poked his head around the door to smile thinly at me. “How are you feeling today?”
“Like crap,” I admitted, sitting up straighter in the bed. My body ached, I felt far too exhausted for someone who had been in bed for ages, but I just about managed to make my expression presentable for the man who held my future in his hands. It was written on that clipboard, I just knew it. He had more information for me; I was about to get the full details. Still, I didn’t feel anything.
“Everything hurts, I can’t stop coughing, and I’ve barely slept.”
“Well, I’m sorry to hear that.” He glanced down at the information written in front of him. “But I do have some more information for you today, if that helps?”
“Okay, sure.” My heartrate kicked up a notch. I felt sick, but this time, I wasn’t going to let it spill out. I needed to hold it inside until the sensation passed. Time with the doctor was precious. I’d learned that very early on, so I didn’t want to waste it because who knew when I’d get to see him again. “Shoot.”
“Well, there is some good news...” Good news? About this? Is that even possible? “The cancer is at a very early stage, so it is manageable. There isn’t too much for you to worry about.” I nodded slowly as if I understood, but it was all flying over my head. “So, while I can’t tell you how long it’ll take for you to get better, there is a good chance you will. We might not even have to go through the aggressive treatments to get there, either.”
“Right, sure, okay.” I knew that I should be experiencing some happiness about this, but it was still nothing. My chest was empty, my heart hollow, a sickness was spreading right through me. All I wanted to do was head to the bathroom to throw up, but that time would come soon enough. “Thank you for letting me know.”
As he went through the next steps with me in careful consideration, I nodded as if I totally agreed with everything that he was saying, but I could barely even hear his words. It wasn’t even like thoughts were swimming through my mind, I wasn’t thinking anything. I just couldn’t take any more in. I had enough to go on for now.
“So.” He finally leaned in closer, forcing my attention back on him. I opened my eyes wider, trying desperately to make myself listen. “Do you have any questions?”
There were so many questions, but I didn’t know how to ask any of them. “So, you don’t know how long things will take? Any rough idea?”
“I’m afraid that I can’t tell you that now. I don’t have any idea. It all depends on how your body reacts to the medication. There are a lot of factors that can affect the timing.”
“Okay, so will I still be able to sing?” I never would have asked that question if Kyle was here. I would have been too afraid of the answer. But now that I was alone, I needed to know the answer.
“I can’t tell you that, either. You may be able to sing as you did before, but there’s a chance that you won’t be able to.”
“Right...” That hurt more than I thought it would. It might have been a newer dream for me, but now that I had it, I held it close.
I’d just finished recording my first album. How the hell was I going to make more music, go on tour, and do gigs if I couldn’t sing? It would probably put Xander off the whole business with me and Kyle, after all. I’d spent so long trying not to screw up my brother’s dream, my own dream, and now my health was doing that for me. It wasn’t fair.
As the doctor left the room, a stray tear rolled down my cheek. Everything was falling apart. Maybe I’d done something horrific in a past life; that was why I had no luck. Everything seemed destined to be bad for me, no matter what.
And Xander... I’d been doing my utmost not to think too much about him since I’d been lying here, but now that I knew for sure that I might not be able to sing again, I couldn’t think about anything else. I was going to let him down just as much as Kyle. It was bad enough that he’d been calling me and texting me without any response. When I eventually did speak to him, I was going to have to land this massive bomb on him.
It wasn’t going to be fun.
How was I supposed to tell Xander that not only was I a flake when it came to the business, but that I couldn’t see him anymore, either? It would absolutely kill me to let him go – he was officially the best thing that had ever happened to me – but it was clear now that we were never meant to be. If we were, this wouldn’t have happened. There was no way I could drag him through all of this. It just wasn’t right.
I would just have to deal with this alone. I was tough, and thankfully I’d built up quite a thick skin over my life. Sure, this was going to be one of the bigger challenges that I had to face, but I could do it... I was sure I could.
Depending on what happened with this treatment, I might not have time to think about him, anyway! I might become so wrapped up in making myself better that I didn’t even care.
I was going to have to face him eventually, though. Now that we’d met, our paths were going to cross again at some point. I needed to work out how I was going to get over him so I didn’t die inside every time I saw him.
I sighed deeply and grabbed my cell phone, just to look at the time. As I did, it was as if he could sense me, because it immediately started ringing and his name tortured me on the screen. God, I wanted to speak to him. My heart absolutely ached for him. It would be so easy. All I had to do was hit answer. I didn’t even have to tell him what was wrong with me. I could just have a chat...
But of course, that wasn’t possible. I’d been ignoring him for long enough for him to ask questions, and I didn’t think there was any way that I could lie to him. As hard as it was, I would just have to continue ignoring him until I felt ready to explain.
Or until he got bored and moved on. Whichever one came first.
Chapter Thirty-One
Xander (Tuesday)
Ring, ring... Ring, ring... Ring, ring...
“Why the hell is she still not answering?” I muttered to myself as anxiety coursed through me. I couldn’t understand why things had gone from incredible with Lila to her ignoring me.
Had I done
something wrong? I tried my best to think over our last time together, but nothing came to mind. Lila didn’t seem to me to be the sort of person to vanish without a trace, but maybe I was wrong.
“What did you say?” Michael patted me on the back and smiled. “Everything all right?”
I cocked my head to one side, eyeing him curiously before deciding that it was safe to confide in him now. We were in a much better place, so he’d hopefully understand.
“I’m a little concerned about Lila. I haven’t heard from her in a while, which is out of character for her. Plus, she and Kyle are supposed to be here for a meeting this afternoon, to discuss where things are going next, but I haven’t heard anything from either of them.”
“Have you tried calling him?” Luckily, Michael didn’t look angry at me. It seemed that he was over his anger from earlier about all of this. “Surely, Kyle will have some kind of explanation for you?”
“His phone’s switched off.” My chest was swirling with a hopelessness that threatened to encase my heart completely. “I don’t know what to do. Does this sound like a brush off to you?” I didn’t want to consider the fact that Lila might not want to be with me anymore, but what else could it be?
Michael paused and furrowed his brows, clearly thinking intently, before his expression softened once more. “Look, I don’t think Lila or Kyle would be so disrespectful. I highly doubt she doesn’t want to be with you. The two of you seem to have something great together. But more than that, they wouldn’t screw the studio over. They’ve never acted unprofessional before.”
I slumped back in my chair and rubbed my forehead hard. “So, what should I do? What would you do in my position?” The stress was etched into my features, showing in the dark shadows under my eyes, and it seemed that Michael could see that as he answered.
“I’d go over to her house and check up on her. You don’t know what’s going on in her life. She might not be ignoring you. There might be some reason. Sitting around here isn’t going to get you any answers.”