Gabe laughed. “It’s nice to have a brother,” he said.
His words were the best catch Joe had all day.
21
The fuzzy shadows of twilight crossed the dirt drive in front of the Garden as Joe and Gabe pulled in. Rip, an ardent but brief welcoming committee, tackled Joe as he got out of the car.
“Gabe looks tired,” Ruby commented as her charge trudged past her into the house. Gabe still wore his silly rain poncho, despite the fact the sun had been a radiant umbrella all day.
The rain from the past week had revived the pine, and the scent perfuming the air made Joe linger on the front steps. He inhaled deeply, heard the wind comb the fir, and knew it had been a good—a very good—day.
“You don’t look any worse for the wear.” Ruby crossed her arms over her navy blue sweatshirt. “Did you have fun, by any chance?”
Joe pulled off his baseball cap and rubbed the saggy brim. “Did you know he throws back everything he catches, even the walleye?”
Ruby erupted in vivacious laughter and slapped her leg. “I should have warned you! Gabe can’t kill anything to save his life. He can’t even skin a chicken. It makes him sick.” She cupped her hands over her mouth. “I’m sorry. I’m sure it came as a rude awakening, huh?”
Joe shook his head and replaced the cap. “He caught a whopper of a fish first thing this morning, and my heart nearly broke throwing it back. Wouldn’t let me keep a thing.” He smiled at her. “It was a good fishing trip, though.”
Ruby’s laughter dimmed, and her gray eyes were piercing as she stared at him. “Felt good to accept your brother the way he is, didn’t it?”
Joe considered her a moment, then shrugged. He looked away, preferring the pine landscape to her probing gaze.
Ruby walked over beside him. “That’s how a family is, Joe. Everyone’s different, yet they work together. They give and take and learn to forgive.” She laid a hand on his arm. “I bet you were hoping for a nice fish dinner tonight, huh?”
Joe grunted in agreement.
“So you had to forgive him for wrecking your plans, stepping on your toes, and not letting you keep the fish, right?”
Joe eyed her suspiciously. “What are you getting at?”
Ruby faced the woods. The wind picked at her graying hair, and Joe saw wisdom edge her eyes. “Even though you had to surrender a decent shore lunch, you reached out to him and discovered it was worth the risk. Everyone, even within a family, is different. We all have different needs, different issues we struggle with. Part of being a family is learning to face those differences, forgive, and accept so that you can move on to love.”
“You’re referring to my father, aren’t you?”
“Not necessarily. I was thinking more about you realizing that you, too, had a hard time dealing with Gabe, and that he has accepted it and forgiven you. When you forgive someone, it gives you room in your heart to love them.” She turned to him, and her voice was gentle, despite her iron-grip gaze. “But this does apply to your father, doesn’t it? You might find, after a day of ‘fishing,’ you can forgive his mistakes and learn to live together as a family.”
Joe met her stare, refusing to run this time. This woman just didn’t understand. “You haven’t had the experience of holding your sobbing mother or explaining to your little brother why Daddy didn’t love him, why he left.” His voice held a warning edge.
“No, but I have comforted your brother and explained to him why you don’t visit, why you can’t bother to come home for more than twelve hours for your mother’s funeral, why you prefer strangers to the company of your own flesh and blood.”
Joe winced and fury coursed through him in tremors. But Ruby’s words, despite their sting, were accurate. He’d betrayed Gabe as much as his father had betrayed them all.
And Gabe had forgiven both of them.
The realization crippled Joe, and he shrank onto the top step. He cradled his face in his hands. “What have I done?”
Ruby settled beside him. “Coped. Ran. Survived.” She touched his shoulder. “It’s time to come home, Joe.”
“I’ll never have a home, Ruby. Not as long as—”
“Not as long as you wall people out.”
“I was about to say not as long as I have contracts to fill, people to please. Not as long as people know who I am.”
“No, that’s not your biggest problem. You can find a way to deal with the invasion of your privacy. You just don’t want to. It’s a convenient excuse to hide the real reason you keep running.”
“I don’t think seventeen stitches and a broken shoulder are a convenient excuse.”
Ruby was silent beside him.
“Anyway, I love what I do. And I love my freedom.”
“Sure you do. But you wouldn’t give it up for the right woman?”
Joe flinched.
“You have to stop walling people out. Gabe wants to love you, and he wants to be a family—that means you and your dad.”
“I’m not letting Wayne Michaels within shouting distance.”
“Then you’ll never stop running.”
He glared at her. “I am not running.”
“Joe! You haven’t lived in one place for over a decade. Running is exactly what you’re doing. You’ll barely slow down to take your brother fishing.”
“That’s not fair. I’m here because I love him.”
“Of course you are. I’m not disputing your love for him. But you won’t even consider sticking around.”
He made a move to object. Oh, he’d considered sticking around. In fact, that very fantasy consumed his thoughts over the last week more often than he wanted to admit.
“Don’t you see?” Ruby continued. “You were scared to let Gabe too close, scared to risk getting hurt. But today proved that yes, love comes with a cost, but it is also priceless. In order to truly love Gabe, you’re going to have to learn to forgive. And it has to start with your father.”
Joe gave a harsh laugh. “I’ve gone half my life without talking to him,” he said. “Do you think forgiving him is going to revolutionize my life? maybe erase everything he’s done? Suddenly we’re going to start baking the Thanksgiving turkey and become the Norman Rockwell family?”
“No. But I do think forgiving him might give you a chance to really let someone inside that locked heart of yours. In fact, I think forgiving him is the first step to finding what you are searching for.”
“And what’s that?”
Ruby was silent.
“Forgiving him is just going to let him off the hook for completely shredding our family. Why should I forgive someone who ran at the first sign of trouble?”Joe’s words stuck in his throat.
“Yes, why should you?” Ruby shook her head. “Why should you forgive someone who made a mistake?You’ve certainly never made any.”
Joe sucked in a sharp breath. “You don’t pull any punches, do you?”
“I’m sorry. I don’t mean to hurt you.”
“I never made the mistakes he did. He doesn’t deserve forgiveness.”
“Does anyone? That’s not your place to decide. God’s forgiven him. Can you do any less?”
Joe’s eyes burned. “You don’t know what you’re asking.”
“This might be difficult for you to believe right now, Joe, but God doesn’t expect you to do this hard thing by yourself.”
Joe frowned.
“God knows how tough it is to forgive, especially when someone has done you wrong. But He does expect you to do it. And He expects you to be patient and trust Him to work in others’ lives. Psalm 37. It’s one of my favorites, especially when I know God wants me to do something impossible, like forgive.”
Ruby directed her gaze to the sunset hovering over the far pines. “‘Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for Him to act. Don’t worry about evil people who prosper or fret about their wicked schemes.’”
“But God hasn’t cut my dad off or punished him. He’s forgiven him,”
Joe spat out.
“The story of the Prodigal Son is hardest for those in the shoes of the oldest son,” Ruby responded. Her voice softened. “The baseline truth is, you don’t want to forgive your father, despite the fact God already has. You think you have some righteous corner on pain that absolves you of obedience. But you must forgive and trust God to deal with your father. Wayne Michaels has been punished . . . he’s lost you. But you’ve had Gabe’s and the Lord’s favor all this time. It’s time to forgive and inherit all God has for your family.”
Joe rubbed his forehead with his hand. “I don’t know. I’ll admit, I didn’t realize how much I missed Gabe. But I’m not sure God wants us to be a family. It might be too late.”
“Did it ever occur to you that God brought you back here precisely because He wants to save your family? I know you’re afraid to really stick around and love Gabe. The more you love him, the more you stand to lose. The more you’re reminded of exactly what your father did. Don’t you see how the memory of how deeply he wounded you keeps you on the run? You hold people at a distance, afraid to let them know you.
“Perhaps, Joe, if you stood your ground, you might find the strength to forgive. Maybe you’d even find that it’s easier than you expected to trust someone with your secrets.” Her voice gentled. “Maybe, for you, hoping in the Lord means forgiving and finally finding a place to call home.”
“I don’t need a home.”
“Everyone needs a home. But you’ll never find it as long as you keep hiding. As long as you refuse to let people love the real Joe. You’ll never know the joy of love unless you risk your heart. And you’ll never be able to risk unless you learn to forgive.”
Joe took off his cap and scrubbed a hand through his hair, wishing he could put distance between Ruby and her bluntness, but knowing it was the one thing she expected him to do. Yes, he was afraid to risk, but the risk was more than just letting someone inside his life, revealing his identity. Gabe was the biggest risk of all. However, jeopardizing his heart had nothing to do with forgiveness, did it?
He rubbed his eyes with his thumb and forefinger.“It’s easier for Gabe to forgive, you know. He hardly remembered Dad. I lived with him for fifteen years.Then he was gone and my life . . . it just . . . hurts too much.” He winced at the desperation in his voice, feeling like he’d just carved his heart out of his chest and tossed it flopping and bleeding in front of her.
“I know it hurts,” Ruby said softly. “But I don’t think it is easier for Gabe at all. He knew what your father did to you and your mother. And he still forgave. The difference is Gabe lets God fight his battles. He lets God work in people’s lives, and he lets them be human. Trusting God protects him, gives him the courage to risk opening his heart and let out love. He knows he is safely in God’s shelter. He won’t crumble if your father, or even you, let him down. God will hold him up.”
Her words tugged at Joe’s spirit as he thought about all the times God, indeed, had held him up, given him strength, courage, answers to problems. Forgiving his father, however, had never been a problem he’d struggled with. In fact, he hadn’t even considered it.
“I know about the woman in town, by the way,”Ruby said. “I heard about the fire.” She hesitated. “Joe, would you tell me about Mona?”
Joe’s mouth went dry. “How do you know about her?”
“The fire made the Superior Times. I figured the rest out.”
He pulled a deep, ragged breath. “Mona is . . . exasperating. Or maybe determined is a better word. She’s definitely the most creative woman I’ve ever met. She’s got this notion that she can transform an old house into a bookstore . . . and somehow she’s doing it. She calls it the Footstep of Heaven. She works every daylight hour and then some, remodeling, ordering books and coffee supplies, and planning her future. She’s amazing and fun and smart, and she has these eyes that leave me speech-less—”
“Oh, Joe, you’re in trouble.” Ruby had a sly grin on her face. “Does she know who you are?”
Joe cringed. “No.”
She obviously understood what his answer meant because she shook her head. “Then I take it she doesn’t know about Gabe either?”
Joe’s chest clenched. “I don’t know how to tell her.”
“Shame on you. I’d try the truth.”
“How can I? You, better than anyone, know what the truth can do. Even if I told her who I am, Gabe just seals my fate. She’s better off believing I’m a rootless handyman.”
“You ought to give her a chance. You might be surprised.”
“What if I’m not?” His tone revived his childhood betrayal.
Ruby sighed. “Only you can decide to take that risk. But until you do, you’ll never find peace. You can’t run forever. She’ll eventually find out, maybe not about Gabe, but your face will grace the newspapers in this little town the minute someone figures out who you are.”
Softly he said, “Maybe I’ll be gone by then.” The sudden stinging in his eye made him clench his jaw. It was painfully clear that Ruby was right. Eventually the truth would blow sky-high, and it hurt him enough to imagine the shock written on Mona’s face let alone her anger. He might as well open his chest and let her stomp his heart into a million jagged pieces. His throat burned.
“It’ll be a lot easier if I just leave.” He winced as the words rose up and nearly choked him. It wasn’t hard to admit, even to himself, that his choices came with a stiff price. “I can’t stay.” He wanted simpler, easier answers, but there were none. “Even though she needs me.”
“Or you need her,” Ruby gently corrected.
Joe flinched.
Rip’s sudden appearance soothed the moment. The Lab came bounding from the woods and roared into Joe’s lap, bowling him over. Covered in burrs, Rip smelled like a three-day-old roadkill. “Yuck, get away from me.”
Ruby laughed. “C’mon, you old dog.” She grabbed his collar, made him sit, and began working the burrs from his fur. “You just need a good brushing and a bath.”
Joe admired Ruby’s way with dogs and people. Her direct, striking comments wounded, but her manner soothed the pain.
“It sounds like you have two very good reasons to want to put down roots in Deep Haven, Joe. I know Gabe would be thrilled.”
Joe rubbed Rip behind the ear as Ruby worked with his fur. He didn’t want to admit that the idea touched a desperate place inside him.
“God wants to be your shelter too, you know. Relax inside His protection. Ask Him to help you forgive and tell Mona the truth. God will take care of the rest.”Ruby pulled out the last burr and tossed it off the porch.“It’s either that or say good-bye to Mona and spend the rest of your life wishing you hadn’t.”
Twenty-four hours later, Joe rolled into Deep Haven, nearly gagging from the smell emanating from Rip’s body. The dog’s odor had only ripened over a day. “You need a bath and something stronger than Dial soap on that coat of yours.” He pulled up next to the local dime store, thankful their summer hours had already started. The over-the-door bell jangled as he entered.
A slim brunette in a brown smock, pushing back age with too much makeup and cornrowed hair, looked up from the cash register. “Ten minutes, pal.”
Joe nodded and headed toward the shampoo section.
He’d been fighting Ruby’s words the entire day. He thought spending the night at the Garden would help him come to peace with the thoughts she’d stirred up. Face his past? He did that every day of his life. He was the one who lived with the guilt and shame of abandoning his brother. But how could Ruby suggest he put down roots, surrender his freedom? Surrender his entire life, she meant. He’d been living for the high of adventure for so many years, he’d crash hard if he suddenly had a permanent address.
Maybe it wouldn’t be quite as painful, however, if Mona was there to catch him.
There he went thinking with his heart instead of his brain. Obviously his gray matter had turned to mush over the past four weeks. Yes, he’d spent mu
ch of this past week harboring ideas—even dreams—of becoming at least a semipermanent fixture at the Footstep. But if he were to take a hard look at the truth, he’d notice that Mona hadn’t mentioned one word about him staying on. Hadn’t even breathed the thought, even if she did seem to enjoy his company. Unfortunately, he’d allowed her laughter to seed all sorts of delicious dreams he’d never before acknowledged. Now they’d snowballed hopelessly out of control.
He wasn’t ready to chuck everything he’d built over the last ten years, was he? Freedom had a price tag . . .but staying put could be his death knell. Contrary to Ruby’s smug presuppositions, his lifestyle wasn’t a pitiful excuse to hide from love. The woman didn’t have an inkling about what it felt like to be stalked, to be constantly glancing over your shoulder, poised for trouble. Even if he did satisfy Ruby’s prerequisites and figure out a way to forgive his father—and the odds of that were slim—he’d still have to tell Mona the truth, and that would certainly obliterate his so-called privacy. Living in a glass house would be a thousand times worse than saying good-bye to a white-picket fence and little people in sleeper pajamas.
What, now he was thinking about children? He blew out a breath and tried to focus on dog shampoo. Maybe a stubborn daughter with green eyes and curly blonde hair whom he could delight with stories and tickles. Or a child with a cupid round face and almond eyes. He groaned aloud. Yes, that was exactly the type of child that would fit into Mona’s ordered life. The Gabe problem only cemented the many reasons for him to keep his dreams safely leashed.
He’d thought that some time away from the Footstep might straighten out the jumble in his brain. Might tighten his focus and remind him of his liabilities. Unfortunately, as the day wore long, he only ached more to see Mona, despite the fact that he’d buried himself in hours of work at the Garden. He felt wrung out, dirty, strangely alive . . . and terrified.
He was crazy in love with Mona. His own description of his “boss” to Ruby reverberated in his head over and over, and he’d finally admitted the truth to himself sometime in the middle of the night as he listened to the mantel clock tick out the hours. He loved Mona’s laughter, her determination, her dreams. He felt a tinge of relief to finally put a name to that hot, explosive feeling that spread though his chest every time he thought of her luminous green eyes and the way the wind played with her hair. Maybe that feeling was just the thing he’d been searching for all his life. Maybe God had answered the one prayer he’d always been too ashamed to ask . . . to send him home.
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