Perfection Is Just an Illusion (Swimming Upstream #1)

by Rebecca Barber

  ***

  Anna

  “Morning, Anna,” Diana said pleasantly, pouring her a cup of coffee. Anna sat down beside Michael silently and sipped it slowly. She was too scared to speak. It was like no matter which words Anna chose, they could never convey what she really wanted to say. James would be gone for just over four and a half weeks. It’s only thirty-two days, Anna kept reminding herself. It was her coping mechanism, especially at the airport. The conversation was lively between the four, yet Anna seemed distant and not her normal chirpy self.

  “James, have you finished packing?” Diana asked. Glances were exchanged knowingly. James never packed until the absolute last moment. But now with only six hours left before he boarded the plane, time was running out.

  “Fine. I’ll do it now, okay?” James whined. “Come and help me?” he asked, pulling Anna from her chair.

  “Be there in a second.” She smiled, looking up into his dazzling eyes. After James left the room the fake happiness faded from Anna’s face and misery consumed her. She glanced at Michael and Diana, who were both watching her intently, waiting for her to speak or waiting for her to cry, they weren’t really sure what would come first. “Look after him for me, please,” she pleaded. Her eyes were so filled with pain that Diana couldn’t understand.

  “Don’t worry, sweetheart,” Michael pledged her, wrapping his arms around her. “He’ll be back in your arms, safe and sound, in thirty-two short days. Promise.” Anna could tell by the genuine expression on his face that Michael meant every word.

  “Thank you.” Anna exhaled as a tear ran down her cheek. “I’d better go and help him. Otherwise he’ll be in England before he realises that he didn’t pack any socks.” Anna smiled tightly and disappeared out the door.

  Diana and Michael just watched her disappear. “She really does make him happy, doesn’t she? Thank god someone is going to be able to look after him. He’s my son, and I love him. I really do. But you and I both know that he’d never manage it on his own,” Diana confessed.

  ***

  James

  In James’s bedroom, Anna perched herself on the bed and picked at her fingernails, watching him fill his suitcase. James haphazardly tossed jeans, shirts, underwear, and towels in the direction of his suitcase. Most ended up piled up on the floor beside his suitcase rather than in it. Ten minutes later it was bulging so much that it wouldn’t shut. He glanced over at Anna, who was by now in a trance. He saw in her face how much she would miss him and it dawned on him just how much he would miss her too.

  “It’s not for that long, Princess.” James forced himself to sound upbeat and positive, even if he was faking it. He needed Anna to believe that everything was okay. “The way I figure it, if we have somehow managed to survive everything that has happened in the past few months, another couple of weeks will be a piece of cake. And when I get home, Princess, you and I are going to get married and get our happily ever after.”

  “You sound very sure of yourself.”

  “I am. Four weeks and then we will be together. Forever.”

  “Forever. Four weeks just seems like such a long time. But I don’t want you to worry about me. I’m fine. I’m just being a baby. Let’s just get you packed so you can make your plane,” Anna admitted, wiping the tears from her eyes.

  “Come here.” James pulled her into his arms. “I can’t wait to marry you,” he confessed as he buried his face in her hair.

  “You better believe it!” Anna giggled, tipping his suitcase upside down. “You’re worse than a damn woman when you pack.” Anna took charge of the packing and twenty minutes later his suitcase was neatly zipped.

  Wandering downstairs, Anna grabbed another cup of coffee while James quickly demolished a banana. Caffeine seemed to be the only thing keeping Anna going. Despite the fact that they were both so used to getting up in the early hours of the morning, for some reason they both appeared as though they were moving at the speed of a snail. Or, if at all possible, backwards. The only thing they wanted to do was fall asleep and pretend the world outside didn’t exist. Hand in hand, enveloped by a thick melancholy silence, they walked outside and sat by the pool, dangling their feet in the water.

  The sun was beginning to rise as the sky was painted fiery oranges and the first rays of warmth touched their cheeks. Both James and Anna were too scared to speak. They both knew that it was only four weeks and with how crazy the past couple of weeks had been a break was something they should be looking forward to, time to regroup, time to breathe, but for some reason it seemed to be hanging over them like a death sentence. There was so much doom and gloom that James began to think the tension would suffocate him.

  “Princess. It’s okay. I promise.” James knew without a doubt that he would go to the ends of the earth to make sure Anna was okay. “Besides with me out of your hair, you’ll have plenty of time to finish organising this wedding of ours.” James smiled, snaking his arm around her waist.

  “My god! I haven’t even started,” Anna confessed. James was sent spinning into a state of shock. He thought for sure that between Anna, Kathryn, and Diana this wedding would be all finalised by now.

  “What?” James exclaimed, sharper than he had intended. He felt as though Anna had stabbed him in the heart. For no reason at all a jolt of amazement and loss shot through him.

  “Honestly, I haven’t even started. I haven’t picked out a dress, or flowers, or a cake, or even the colour theme. We haven’t even set a date yet! There was no rush to organise invitations and a reception. I just haven’t gotten there yet,” Anna confessed timidly.

  “I’m starting to wonder whether or not you actually want to be married or if you just want to stay engaged forever. Because really, I thought I made myself perfectly clear, Anna. I want to marry you! I don’t want to just be engaged. For me being engaged is just a means to an end. It’s a stepping stone. But it looks like you don’t even want to take the next step.” All of James’s hurt and frustration gushed out.

  “How can you even think that? I want to marry you. More than you can possibly imagine. That’s all I’ve ever wanted. From the first moment you asked me out I’ve wanted to marry you. And maybe even before that. But right now, I don’t want to fight with you. Please don’t do this. Please, James,” Anna begged.

  As much as James knew that now wasn’t the time to pick a fight, he couldn’t help himself. “No! Let’s do this now. If you want to marry me as much as you claim, then tell me why the hell you haven’t started planning yet?” James was so angry and he was taking it out on Anna. He was using her to work out his frustrations and it didn’t seem to matter that he knew it was cruel, the horrible, hurtful words just kept coming.

  “If you really want to know, the truth is I don’t want a big wedding. I never have. I wasn’t one of those young prissy fifteen years old girls who planned their wedding down to the last detail. I just need some time to decide exactly what it is that I want. This is supposed to be the most memorable and magical day of our lives. I want it to be perfect.” Anna eyes were heavy with unshed tears.

  James felt like an arse. He could see the gut-wrenching pain and relentless fears reflected in Anna’s wide eyes. Knowing he was responsible for the misery he softened instantly. “So, what do you want?”

  “That’s the thing, I don’t know,” Anna confessed as the dam broke and the tears trickled down her cheeks.

  “Well, I guess you have four weeks to figure it out, don’t you? I think you should go. I have a flight to catch so I better get moving.” James jumped to his feet, pulling Anna up with him before he unceremoniously walked her to the door. “I guess I’ll see you when I get back,” he snapped coldly, slamming the door in her face.

  James’s fury had more than doubled as he stormed through the house. He couldn’t understand what the hell Anna was up to. She had him spinning, and not just off his axis. More like a tornado sweeping through his life. First she had left him, saying that he deserved better, then after all of the mess ha
d finally settled down she still hadn’t even begun planning their wedding, something she claimed meant more to her than anything. Every moment they spent together Anna kept assuring him that she loved him. It baffled him.

  “Where’s Anna?” Michael asked.

  “She left,” James snapped.

  “What? Where did she go?”

  “I don’t know. Home, I guess.” James was already storming up the stairs two at a time.

  “James! What did you do?”

  “Nothing! If Anna doesn’t want to marry me, then she shouldn’t waste her time coming to the airport,” James growled, slamming his bedroom door in his father’s face.

  “James, you truly are an idiot. That girl loves you. And you sent her packing—moments before you leave the country. Have you even thought about what you’ve done? Go and apologise. You only have fifteen minutes before we have to leave,” Michael commanded, forcing his way into his snarly son’s bedroom.

  “No, Dad. If she doesn’t want to marry me, I’m not going to chase her. I’ve done enough chasing. I’m over it,” James shouted.

  “Bullshit!” Michael countered.

  “Leave it alone, Dad,” James warned.

  “James, stop being so damn pig-headed. Pull your head out of your arse and own up to the fact that you fucked up,” Michael spoke to the closed door.

  James’s childish temper tantrums meant they were late arriving at the airport to meet the others. Joel had already melted into panic mode. He was convinced James was going to be a no show. Diana and Michael strode over purposely and joined the rest of the group preparing to head out. In the years since James had made his first Australian team, Diana and Michael had become great friends with some of the other parents. They had a common understanding. They all knew the day to day pressures their children faced, and they would all support each other no matter the outcome. James stood back from the others, his bad mood still radiating from every pore. His silence only drew more attention to him.

  “Where’s Anna?” Ian asked, confused.

  “I have no idea what the hell Anna’s doing,” James voice fractured the silence.

  Ian turned to the rest of the squad members and chuckled. “Someone got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning! Or the wrong bed!”

  A few hours later James sat lifelessly on the plane. He still hadn’t spoken a word. He was letting it eat away at him. Why had he left things with Anna like that? He’d been hurt. But that was no excuse. He was still so angry that he wouldn’t let himself accept that he might have made a mistake. By the time he got off the plane, James still hadn’t calmed. He was still ropable. If anything, the more time he spent stewing on their argument and the more times he twisted it around and around in his mind the more he became convinced he was right.

  Chapter 11

  Anna

  Anna had never felt so lost and alone in her entire life. The hopelessness and hurt was palpable. Never had words cut her so deeply and left such deep, ugly scars. She knew without a doubt that she loved James with everything she was, so it was a complete mystery as to why she hadn’t even made a start on her wedding plans. It was every girl’s dream to have the perfect wedding, but for some reason she just couldn’t get into it. It just wasn’t her. But losing James was something else entirely.

  She spent the day walking around her apartment in a daze. Every time the phone rang Anna couldn’t help but jump, hoping and praying that it was James so she could apologise. She was desperate to apologise for everything she said and everything that she didn’t say. But still, he didn’t call.

  “I can’t spend the next four weeks traipsing around feeling sorry for myself. I’m going to plan this damn wedding before he gets home if it kills me. Then I’m going to drag his ass to the church.” Anna tried pumping herself up. Then she got on the phone all afternoon. Her first phone call was to Renee. With her help this wedding could be organised and ready to go in five short weeks. Renee knew James’s family and friends. She knew who he would want there and who he wouldn’t. And Renee knew how Anna could make this a very special day for both of them.

  An hour later Renee had taken charge and was in full planning mode. They had so much to organise in so little time. Renee handed Anna a list. She was calling caterers and churches, florists and car hire. By two o’clock that afternoon, with both women totally exhausted mentally and physically, they headed into Anna’s nightmare. Anna had to face the dreaded bridal store. She had to find a dress. It needed to be perfect. Classy yet sexy. Understated but elegant. Anna was a simple girl with simple tastes. And even though it was her wedding day, she needed to feel like she was still in there somewhere.

  A fatigued Anna collapsed into bed that night. Her mind was still whirling a million miles an hour. Her heart was beating faster than a drum. All she wanted to do was sleep, but sleep wouldn’t come. Anna had one of the worst days in her life and it kept spiralling.

  When Anna had arrived home earlier on in the afternoon, she found a note pushed under her door. A single sheet of cream coloured paper, covered in scratchy handwriting. At first Anna thought it could be as simple as a neighbour informing her about something that was going on in the building, but when she unfolded the paper she knew instantly what it was.

  Another threat. Just like the ones James had already received.

  Tell him to stay away from you or he will pay the ultimate price.

  Anna had never been more terrified. James was a world away. This time she had to face this on her own. Anna began to shake. Her hands trembled and her knees felt weak beneath her. Not trusting her legs to hold her, Anna sunk onto the thick red rug and wrung her hands absentmindedly. She was unable to think clearly. She ran to the phone and dialled Renee’s number. On the third attempt, it connected.

  “Renee! Renee!”

  “Anna? Is that you?” Ryan asked.

  “Where’s…where’s Renee?” Anna barely managed to blurt out.

  “She’s out. What’s the matter, Anna? What’s wrong?” Ryan soothed.

  “Someone’s been here,” Anna panted frantically down the phone.

  “Stay there. I’m on my way,” Ryan directed firmly. He quickly shot a text message to Renee.

  Anna was scared. More scared than she ever imagined possible. Someone was after her. And it made her violently ill at the thought that they would hurt James to get at her. Or maybe it was as simple as someone wanting to scare the living daylights out of her. And if that was their aim, then it worked. Anna was terrified. She sat slumped on the rug in the middle of the room, her arms wrapped around her legs, trying to make herself as small as possible. In her left hand she held the phone, while in her right a photo of her and James during happier times.

  ***

  James

  James fell into bed late that afternoon suffering a serious case of jetlag. When he eventually surfaced the next morning, his worst nightmare had become reality. James realised he was wrong. He shouldn’t have snapped at Anna. He finally got it. He understood where she was coming from. And with that, came the dizzying realisation that he was being a complete jerk. Unfortunately for James, his morning was only just beginning. As soon as he set foot outside the front door of his hotel, the entire English press was waiting. Overnight, one of the other coaches had made claims that James was using performance enhancing drugs.

  This can’t be fucking real, James swore to himself. On top of everything else, he had to face drug allegations as well. Could things get any worse? Side stepping the press, James slipped back inside and started to ring everyone that he would need to help deal with this. Taking the stairs two at a time, Joel burst into James’s room, still wearing his pyjamas. Diana and Michael were standing there before he even picked up the phone and Tim raced through the door, making vain attempts to calm everyone.

  Despite all the commotion, all James could think of was how horrible he had been to Anna and how much he wished she were here with him right now. He was trying to get to the phone. Pushing past his p
arents, James seized it and vanished into the other room.

  “What are you doing?” Diana had never really questioned her son, but now with drug allegations floating about, one simple phone call to the wrong person could make everything even worse, if that was at all possible.

  “Calling Anna. I need to talk to her,” James pronounced, slamming the door in an attempt to get some privacy. He wasn’t too proud to grovel, but that didn’t mean he wanted witnesses either.

  “Come on, pick up the phone, Anna. Pick up,” James begged. The phone continued to ring. Soon enough it rang out. “Damn it, Anna. Where the fuck are you?”

  ***

  Anna

  Ryan must have literally flown across town. He was there within half an hour and Anna had never been more grateful. With trembling hands she handed Ryan the letter and explained about the others that had been sent to James. Ryan was mystified and livid at the whole situation. He couldn’t comprehend that there was some sick person out there doing this to them. Ryan kept promising Anna that she was safe. He promised that nothing could harm her, but Anna couldn’t let herself believe it.

  Ryan stayed with her most of the night. Despite Anna’s reassurances that she would be fine, Ryan refused to leave.

  “I’m okay, promise,” Anna tried.

  Shaking his head, Ryan just looked into Anna’s tired eyes and Anna felt it in her stomach. It was like he could see right through her and that terrified Anna more than the thought of a possible stalker. “Anna, give it up, sweetheart. I’m not going anywhere.”