by Cydney Rax
Chapter 11
Nicole couldn’t believe it. It was Friday, a few days after Rashad had broken the devastating news to her. Ever since that moment, she felt as if her ship had sunk, and she’d been helplessly drifting at sea and trying to weather the storm without anything solid to grab on to. And last night, she’d found the courage to call her mother.
“Mama,” she said, nearly sobbing. “I need you. I-I—”
“Come home, daughter. I’ll book you an early flight. Can’t wait to see you.”
After spending a long evening of tossing and turning, she woke up in the wee hours of the morning. She packed a light bag, grabbed Emmy, and headed out the door. She drove to the airport and hopped on an airplane. It felt like the longest trip in her life as she sat in coach with her child wedged on her lap.
Nicole arrived in her native city within a few hours. Quite frankly, life felt bizarre the moment she realized her feet were back on Alabama soil. She caught a cab from BHM Airport to her old neighborhood, staring at the familiar sights that she knew so well: the high school where she’d decided she wanted to be somebody, and the little church that Evelyn had dragged her and the other girls to when they were teens.
After the cab driver got his cash and drove off, Nicole walked up the concrete steps to the front door of her mother’s house. The door was unlocked, and she went inside and stood in the doorway, trembling like she was freezing as she took in the surroundings; the front area was a combination living room and kitchen with a large space for a table and chairs. This was the home where Nicole had spent her teenage years, the time in which she wanted to find herself and discover the meaning of life. It seemed as if nothing had changed. Same furniture, family photos, and dusty drapes. And the notion of life standing still brought about an intense sadness that added to her misery.
Right then, Nicole yearned for her own house back in Texas, the one that she’d chosen for her family to live in, but instead here she was, back at the very place she’d yearned to abandon in the years before she went away to college.
Like a blast of wind, Evelyn Greene breezed into the kitchen. They wordlessly stared at one another. Her mother gave Nicole a heartfelt squeeze that instantly made her feel more at ease.
“Well,” Evelyn said, “don’t you look prettier than a glob of butter on a stack of wheat cakes?”
The two women burst out laughing. “It’s gonna be alright, Nicole. And thank you for taking a cab. I’ll pay you back whatever it cost.”
“No problem, Mama. I’m just glad you let me come over at such short notice.”
Evelyn stole Emmy from Nicole’s arms and plastered her fat cheeks with loving pecks. She called out over her shoulder as she shuffled away toward a rear bedroom, “This precious baby is about to pass out. Bless her heart. I’ll get her set up in your old room so she can enjoy a long nap.”
“I appreciate that.”
Having someone take charge and do something to lighten her load made Nicole feel as if she was being rescued from floating adrift. Her ship might have sunk, but it did not indicate that she was completely doomed. She wearily closed her eyes, still unable to believe she was no longer in Texas with her husband, Rashad.
Soon Evelyn returned. “Give me some sugar,” she said. Nicole gave her mom the kiss that she’d been waiting for.
“Welcome back, Nicole. Seeing you here in this house feels good and odd at the same time. Like I’m seeing a ghost.”
“You can say that again.”
The elderly woman instantly switched into mother mode. They retreated farther inside the kitchen. While Nicole sat at the dinette table, Evelyn rattled back and forth, removing food items from the refrigerator and cabinets, and making lots of noise rattling pots and pans.
“I apologize, but I’m just now getting home after being on my feet all morning. I was hired to fix a fabulous breakfast for the elderly at that senior center around the corner. They’re celebrating their fiftieth anniversary. The looks on their faces when they saw my food were priceless—”
Evelyn clamped her mouth shut. She saw the look of despair on Nicole’s face and changed the subject.
“How was your flight?”
“I loved it. It felt good to get away.”
They engaged in minor conversation about simple topics, ones that Evelyn hoped wouldn’t rouse up more pain.
It was nearly lunchtime. Evelyn joyfully got started on a large pot of chicken and dumplings. Then she whipped up the ingredients to make a skillet corn bread. Lastly, she could not wait to cook her daughter a homemade banana pudding.
“I’m not used to this type of treatment. You’re spoiling me, Mama.”
“That’s what good mothers do whenever they can.”
“I’ll have to remember to be just like you when I grow up.” It felt wonderful to feel the love that her mother freely offered to her.
“Since you’ll be here for dinner,” Evelyn said, “I might as well get started on a slow-cooker stew while I’m at it.” She rummaged through the refrigerator and found some leftover meat and vegetables.
Nicole enjoyed sitting back and observing how happy her mother appeared as she dramatically added her special seasonings to the pot. Before long the strange house slowly began to feel like home again, that warm, inviting feeling that makes you feel happy to have a family who loves and accepts you no matter how badly you mess up.
The aroma swiftly carried Nicole back into time. Things might have felt nice and loving right then, but they hadn’t always been that easygoing. She clearly remembered the day when she’d decided she was going to leave Alabama and never come back. As usual, they were perched in the kitchen, hands in the dishwater after they’d cleared the dinner table.
“Hey, Mama. I had a telephone interview with a college in Houston.”
“Oh, really? So, what are you trying to say?”
“I’m saying that I don’t wanna live in the great Vestavia Hills anymore. I’m ready to do something different. Get away from it all. The world is bigger than this place, and I plan to experience it.”
“You’re leaving me?”
“Leaving you?”
“Yes, if you leave this place, you’re leaving me. And if you leave me, you are repeating the actions of your dad.”
“But wasn’t Daddy treating you wrong? Weren’t you glad he finally left?”
“He left me alone to raise you kids. That’s what he did.”
“But, Mama, you can’t blame the kids for what a grown-up does.” Her father had been around ever since Nicole was born. But when she was seven, he went away, unable to handle the pressures of life. Overnight everything changed. For years her father had worked as an auto mechanic; he and Evelyn had always split the bills. But two incomes were chopped down to one. Evelyn was shocked when he left. But she couldn’t afford to lose her mind or grow bitter. It was time to learn a new skill, take on a second job, and provide for herself and the four girls. Her goal was to take care of the household so well that it would be as if her man had never left. But as much as Evelyn wanted that to happen, things did not turn out that way.
Many times Nicole had to act like the parent when her mom was away earning money. She had to threaten Mimi and her two cousins to do their homework. She had to make sure they completed their chores and put away their toys. Nicole felt like an adult, not a child. But she wasn’t getting the benefits of being an adult because she wasn’t given an allowance no matter how much she helped around the house. It seemed so unfair.
And after she told her mother of her plans, she thought that Evelyn was resentful of Nicole’s plans to leave Alabama and live her own life. Nicole grew terribly angry at both of her parents. In her mind, they’d failed her. Failed to properly raise her. Neglected to shower her with the amount of love, direction, care, and protection that she felt she should have received while growing up. Instead of her dad being around to fight her battles, Nicole had to fend for herself. And she always remembered feeling alone, even though she had a bi
g family. They could all be together in one room, but Nicole would be off by herself, daydreaming, yearning for a happier life, and feeling completely isolated. She’d want to cry her eyes out, but instead she’d laugh, crack a sassy joke, and smile as if everything was fine. Other times, when she was drained after a long day of attending high school then coming home to help out with the girls, she’d lash out at her family and spew cutting remarks to anyone who got on her nerves.
But later down the road, when she was enrolled in college, things somewhat changed. That was when she first met Ajalon and they became a close-knit couple; all they had was each other and they somehow created their own happy existence. She moved out of her mother’s house and was living on campus by then. She went to class, worked, and felt more independent. Life seemed promising, and Nicole didn’t worry so much anymore about what her mother thought or did. Ajalon Cantu became her family, moving in with her and making plans for their future. They were in love and nothing else mattered. But when her man got caught up in the drug game and was sentenced to prison, her idyllic life rapidly changed. Once again she felt like she was by herself, trying to conquer the world. Their small apartment was lonely, and the bills were mounting. How could Ajalon leave her when she needed him the most? Why did her mother push her so hard to do something with her life, yet not extend a hand to help? Why was life so very hard? So incredibly unfair? Nicole resented people who seemed to have it easy. Women who had loving relationships with their fathers. They were “Daddy’s little girl,” the “apple of his eye.” She wished she could have known how it felt to be loved in that way. She wished that she could have met the right type of guy who would give her the unconditional love that she craved with her very soul. No. Instead Nicole Greene was forced to make her own way in life. Make really hard decisions all by herself. Ordered to act mature when she wanted to be a little girl.
So the day when Nicole felt she really grew up was the day when she decided to accept the job at Texas South West University in Houston. She was shocked she even got the offer. It was a telephone interview, and the second and final interview had been conducted via webcam. So she must have made a decent impression. She was grateful for the opportunity to work as a media coordinator at TSWU. She actually felt her confidence get boosted. Maybe she could have a decent life. That was why she had to tell her mom good-bye. That was why she’d wished her sister, Mimi, well and warned her to be strong. She wanted Mimi to rise up and be a determined, single black woman, just like she was trying to be. And although Nicole felt up to the task, she never abandoned her deepest desire: to do well and share her life with a good man. But now the only dream she’d ever entertained was gone.
Finally, their meal was ready. The house smelled like bread, meat, and vegetables, and Nicole was starving. Evelyn fixed her a plate of food, while Nicole sat barefoot at the table thumbing through sales papers from the neighborhood grocery store.
“I can’t believe this store is still around the corner.”
“Yep, sure is. Some things won’t change, while other things are never the same,” Evelyn told her.
“But all of this feels so strange. Sitting at your table. About to eat your food again.” Nicole wanted to laugh even though her emotions made her want to cry.
“When you think about life, it’s not so strange. We all end up back home at some point.”
“I never wanted to return like this, though.”
“God has his way of getting something to happen in your life that you never thought would happen.”
“God has nothing to do with this,” Nicole snapped at her mother.
Evelyn laughed till her shoulders shook. She stopped what she was doing and started singing an old gospel song that Nicole remembered hearing as a child.
It sounded depressing, not encouraging at all. But she let her mother continue to sing until she was done.
Evelyn brought Nicole a glass filled with sweet tea and ice cubes, then she finally sat down and rested her aching feet. It felt good to be in the same room with her child and able to do something for her, even if it was just to feed Nicole. The two women bent their heads and said a blessing. Then they took the first bite of their meal and enjoyed their time together. At first things felt homey, but then they grew awkward.
All while she was traveling through the friendly skies, Nicole had worried whether she’d receive a friendly welcome. She prayed and hoped that this trip would do her some good and provide answers to questions that she had. Nicole was relieved to find her mother in a warm and welcoming mood. Yet as Nicole sipped her tea, she felt angry and very helpless.
“I’m not gonna lie, daughter. I was wondering if you’d ever come back here,” Evelyn told her.
“Mama, like I told you before, I probably was going to visit you at some point, I guess.”
“But troubles get you home quicker than when things are going great, right? Thank God for bad times, or else I might have never seen you again.”
Evelyn’s words cut with a sharpness that filled Nicole with shame. She prayed the woman would cut her some slack, since Nicole clearly remembered how self-righteous she had acted on her wedding day. She knew her mom assumed that it would be a cold day in hell before she ever saw her again.
Nicole apologized and thanked her mom for her hospitality, especially on short notice.
“As I said last night when I called you, Rashad and I had a bad argument. I was itching to get away, and on the spur of the moment, I told Rashad I wanted to take Emmy home with me for a couple of days and that we’d be back on Sunday.”
“How’d he react?”
“He refused to let her go at first.”
“Why?”
“Why else do crazy men act crazy over their kids? They think the mother is plotting to kidnap the child and never let him see her again. I was shocked he would even accuse me of doing anything like that.”
“So, how did you convince him you aren’t a kidnapper?”
“I remained calm. I didn’t curse him. I told him that you wanted to see your grandbaby. That you missed us and had offered to pay for us to come see you.”
“In other words, you lied about me to get him to let you go?” Evelyn smiled. “I guess I owe you plane fare, too, huh?”
“No, you don’t. I had the money for our flights, and yeah, it cost a grip but it’s fine. I gave Rashad my itinerary so he would know that I was serious. That I had a scheduled return flight and I’d be home in a couple of days.”
“Nicole, don’t let the left hand know what the right is doing. I’ll bet Rashad doesn’t tell you every single move he makes. I’ll bet this house he don’t do that.”
“All I can say is that I’ll follow your advice next time, Mama.” She sighed heavily. “I needed to get away, clear my head. That’s why I’m here.”
“I’m glad you’re here. You look like someone set your face on fire and beat it out with a logging chain.”
“That bad, Mama?”
“That bad. Now, start from the beginning. What happened exactly?”
“My own husband told me that he’s done with our relationship. It feels like some sort of sick joke. And no, I don’t agree with his decision. It’s too rash. And cruel.”
“You had no heads-up about him doing this at all?”
“No. He was gone a lot and not talking to me that much this past week, but I thought it was because he wasn’t feeling well due to the medications. I never told you that he hurt himself at a construction site, so yeah, he’s been pretty moody since then. Or, if it had nothing to do with him being in pain, I was thinking he might be mad at me because he assumed all I cared about was him getting back to work.”
“Were you, Nicole? It’s hard for a lot of women to see their man in a weak state, especially if she’s a hardworking black woman. Did you hate seeing him lie around the house, because you thought it made him look like a bum, but you forgot that he was actually sick?”
“Oh, Mama, please. I knew he needed time to heal and I wan
ted him to get better. But none of that matters right now. Because if he is serious about opting out, and I believe he is, I hate him, Mama. He’s made a fool out of me, especially if he has found someone else already. Some men love to keep a back-burner bitch in their life so if they ever break up with the main chick, they can just take up with the one who’s been waiting on the side. She steps right in and he never misses a beat. And if that’s what Rashad has done, I want him to pay for the shit he’s put me through.”
“Isn’t that what you did?”
“Yeah? And so?”
Evelyn sighed. “So why is it that you now want to make him pay for what he’s done to you?”
“Because it’s not fair.”
“Unfair things happen to people every day and you know it. That’s life.”
“But I never wanted my life to be like this. Rashad’s marriage was already on death row by the time we met. And I knew he was a good man. He gave me hope. And he made me want to forget Ajalon Cantu and move on to better things. So, for me to get a taste of happiness just to have it all snatched away from me—”
“I understand how you feel.”
“Do you?”
“Yes. I’ve been where you are. When I found out I had to raise you girls on my own, it’s not like I knew six months in advance where my life would be headed.”
“Mama, in some ways I feel like I have the right to be mad. In other ways, I question what I did to contribute to my current situation.”
“Girl, don’t waste your time. It is what it is. Don’t sugarcoat anything or else you may end up repeating things you wished you had left alone.”
“What do you mean? Help me understand.”
Evelyn shook her head and smiled. “When I tell you I have been where you are, I mean it. I have walked in the very path that you’re taking. Your daddy left and I hated him. I thought he was just being a selfish bastard and he was acting slicker than owl shit, but then I thought about it. Our life together was beautiful until I came home one day with your two little cousins and told him that they’d be living with us.”