It was Chris.
All traces of acceptance melted away and were replaced, again, by terror. She watched him enter and close the door behind him, shaking the raindrops from his head. She hadn’t even noticed that it was now raining and she briefly turned her head to the window for confirmation. Sure enough, huge droplets were wiggling down the window, forming pools at the base.
Chris stood at the entrance talking to the staff when his glance snaked over to where Ellie was sitting. A huge smile crept instantly across his face as he saw her and he lifted one arm up in a kind of salute wave.
‘Alright?’ he said as he bent down to kiss her on the cheek. The explosion of his aftershave hit her instantly and she was transported to the last time she had smelt it that strongly, when they were frantically kissing and undressing each other in that hotel room. His soft hands tracing her body as he ripped off that dress … the sole reason she was here now settled firmly in the forefront of her mind.
‘Yeah, you?’ she managed to squeak out. If it was this hard to do the small-talk, she had no idea how she was going to discuss the one thing she was here to discuss.
Chris pulled the chair out and sat down, running his hand over his wet head as he did so and then wiping the excess moisture off on his jeans. Now that he had shaved his head, you could hardly see the natural red colour he was; it looked more like brown now. He had chosen to wear jeans with a beige long-sleeved jumper, which now sported darker spots as the raindrops soaked through. ‘All the way here the weather has been fine and the second I pull up and get out, the bloody heavens open.’
Ellie managed to force out a laugh. She quickly sipped at her water, purely for something to do with her hands. She hated how uneasy this was already. He pulled his chair in, brushing off his jumper as much as he could and then giving in to the fact that he was going to be a little wet. ‘Have you been waiting here long?’
‘Not too long. I was a little early anyway so…’ she trailed off, unsure where that sentence was going.
‘Is everything okay? You seem a little distracted?’ Chris was staring at her with his deep- blue eyes and she could see the moisture from the rain glistening on his skin. He had the most gorgeous skin tone, Ellie had always been jealous of how beautiful his skin was. She was the type to suffer from breakouts every so often and relied hugely on make-up to create the flawless look he had. His smooth complexion would be the envy of a lot of women.
‘Yeah I’m fine. Just a little tired, that’s all.’
He raised his eyebrows at her. ‘Ellie, how long have we known each other?’
‘God,’ she exhaled to buy herself some time, moving her eyes away from his because she knew where this was going. ‘Like, a million years.’
‘Exactly. But to be more precise, the best part of twenty-four years.’ He smiled and it was beautiful.
‘Bloody hell, when you say it like that it sounds crazy.’
‘True. But what I am saying is that someone can’t know another person for that long and not know if something is up. Plus, given the fact that you have just upped and gone to stay with your sister, who lives three hours away, at the drop of a hat, no warning, no planning…You abandoned your photoshoot on Friday and didn’t even tell anyone where you were going.’ He looked at her, square in the eyes, and she pulled her glance away, distracting it with another sip of the water. ‘So, don’t tell me that it is just tiredness. I know you, Els.’
They sat in silence for a few seconds before the waiter interrupted with a ‘Hi guys, would you like to order some drinks?’
‘Yes please,’ Chris responded, before Ellie had a chance to. ‘We will have a bottle of Chardonnay please…’
‘No!’ Ellie blurted out before realising what this would look like. ‘I mean, I can’t, and I’m… driving.’
‘That’s never stopped you having a couple of glasses before. It’s with a meal, Els, it’ll be fine.’
‘No. I don’t want any wine. No… thank you.’ She was making a right hash of this. ‘Can I just have a Coke please?’ she asked the waiter, who at this point was glancing back and forth between the pair of them, a confused expression on his face.
‘Okay, fair enough. I’ll just have a glass of the Chardonnay, then, please. And a still water.’
‘No problem and have you guys had a chance to look at the menu or would you like a few minutes?’
Ellie looked up at Chris, who seemed to be studying her face with interest. He was onto her, she knew it. She felt uncomfortable and mumbled, ‘Few minutes, please,’ before dropping her gaze back to the menu just for something to do with her eyes.
The waiter left and as she looked up she saw that Chris hadn’t budged and was still looking at her, confusion etched on his face.
‘The salmon sounds lovely,’ she said, a little too upbeat to be believable. He was never going to fall for this I’m fine charade. What was she thinking? She shouldn’t have come here. She felt pressured already and she hadn’t even said anything yet.
Chris leaned across the table and took Ellie’s hand into his. She didn’t struggle and let him hold it. A surge of nausea erupted at the feel of his touch. Not because he repulsed her, quite the opposite. She was annoyed at herself for feeling like this. He was her friend, what was she doing? It must be the hormones. He held her hand for about a minute and then asked, ‘What’s wrong?’ as he stroked the top of her hand with his thumb. His hands felt warm and soft and she wished that they weren’t sitting in a restaurant but somewhere more private. Then she pushed that thought as far away from her mind as she could. This was Chris. She pulled her hand away, a little more roughly than she had meant to, and replied. ‘Nothing, honestly, I’m just tired. I think I might be coming down with something. I’ve been working long hours recently and it’s all caught up with me.’ She realised she had probably given about ten more answers than she actually needed to give.
Chris looked offended at the sharpness of both her reply and the retraction of her hand but he didn’t say anything. He just gave one of those smiles; the ones where you can tell it is fake but the other person doesn’t know what else to do, and picked his menu up to browse.
‘I’ll have the ribeye steak, please, medium rare, with twice-cooked chips and coleslaw,’ Chris said to the waiter, who was busy scrawling down his order.
‘And for you, madam?’
‘I’ll have the salmon, please, with new potatoes and veg.’ She passed over her menu and discreetly took a deep breath. She wasn’t ready to do this. Not at all. Maybe she didn’t have to tell him today. There was plenty of time. Maybe she should just enjoy seeing him, have some lunch, enjoy her break at her sister’s and deal with all this crap when she returned home.
Yes. That sounded like a much better idea.
‘So,’ Chris began, ‘What’s going on at work? How come you walked out?’
‘How did you know about that, anyway? I meant to ask you before.’
‘That woman who was running the shoot contacted me to see if I knew where you had gone as she couldn’t get hold of you.’
‘How the hell did she know to contact you?’
‘I guess she must’ve asked Rob for it – I spoke to Rob about getting you the shoot job, remember?’
Realisation dawned. ‘Oh, of course. Yeah, sorry about that. Didn’t mean to mess up on a job you helped me get.’ She pulled a face, clenching her teeth. ‘Bad friend!’ she cursed herself.
‘It’s okay, I’ll let you off. After all, you’re paying for lunch.’
‘What? No chance. It’s your turn!’
‘Yes, but I would’ve picked somewhere a lot closer to home. Taking into consideration the amount of time I have had to drive to get to you to take you for lunch, I think it’s only fair you pick up this one…’ He had a glint in his eye and the beginnings of a cheeky smile creeping across his face.
‘Yeah, yeah, whatever. Always trying to skive out of your turn, you.’ She smiled and took a sip of her water. Was she actually flirting with hi
m? Is this what she did now?
‘Well, what do you expect? Being mates with a famous make-up artist must have some perks, surely?’
‘I’m hardly famous.’ She couldn’t take her eyes from his face. The creases around his eyes deepened as he laughed. He made her feel so completely at ease. This is what she needed. Complete normality. Back to how things were before that night. Before everything changed.
‘Well, you will be one day. With your talent, I’m surprised you aren’t working on A-list celebs yet.’ She paused for a minute as the feeling of warmth and pride crept over her skin. ‘What?’ he asked, smiling.
‘Do you really mean that?’
‘Of course I do. Els, you are very talented. I mean, naturally I don’t know from personal experience, but from the stuff I hear and see you are pretty good at your job. You wouldn’t be working on the jobs you are if you weren’t. Give yourself some credit. Is that why you walked out? Because you didn’t feel like you were good enough?’ She noticed his hand move towards his glass and she couldn’t help but think about how much she wanted his hand to hold hers again. It really unsettled her.
‘No…’ she trailed off.
‘Well, what is it? Are we going to skirt around the issue or are you going to tell me why we are sitting in a restaurant in Milton Keynes instead of somewhere where we both live?’
Ellie sipped at her water to try and buy herself yet more time. They were enjoying themselves just talking. She had started to feel normal again, just for a second, and was forgetting the madness that had been the last couple of days. It had been so nice to just be her, laughing and joking with Chris, as if they didn’t have a care in the world. Two friends enjoying life and having a laugh. This, ironically, was the reason they were in this mess.
‘I thought this would make a nice change from our normal routine of lunch… no?’ Her joking did not have the desired effect she thought it would and Chris raised his eyebrow slightly at her.
‘Okay fine.’ But then she paused. The settled state of her stomach very quickly became a washing machine on spin cycle. The breakfast she had enjoyed so much this morning was threatening to join her again and she wasn’t sure that this would be the best outcome for any party involved. ‘Actually, do you mind if I run to the loo quickly?’
‘As long as you don’t climb out of the window and leave me with the bill.’ Chris smiled at her and the effect on her insides made her think that maybe it wasn’t just the nerves making her feel peaky. She shook the thought from her mind almost instantly. She was being stupid! Chris shouldn’t have this effect on her insides.
‘Do you seriously think my arse would fit out of one of those windows?’
‘Fair point. I think we are safe.’
Ellie threw her napkin at him as she stood. ‘Idiot,’ she mumbled through a grin and made her way to the toilet.
When inside, she sat on the toilet (seat down) and took a deep breath. ‘What the hell!’ she whispered as she dropped her head into her hands. This was so much harder than she thought it would be. Why couldn’t she just say to him what was going on. She took her phone from her pocket and opened WhatsApp, typing a text to Zoe.
FFS I can’t do this!
Instantly a reply pinged back.
What do you mean? You’ve been there ages, haven’t you told him yet?
She shook her head as she typed.
I can’t
Ellie’s phone vibrated again.
Ellie, just explain to him what is going on. He deserves to know. Man up!
It was only a matter of seconds before her phone rang. She answered instantly. ‘Zoe, help me. I can’t do this!’ She gasped for breath as she felt the nerves overwhelm her.
‘Pull yourself together, Ellie. You can and you will. You just need to take a minute to compose yourself.’
Ellie sat on the toilet and closed her eyes, pressing the phone to her ear. She felt squashed by the clinically white walls and bleach-tinged toilet smell. Zoe was talking to her but she found it hard to decipher the words and meaning of what she was saying. It must be the nerves, clouding her mind.
‘Are you okay?’ came a voice from outside her cubicle. It was then she realised she was gasping still. More hyperventilating, actually. What the hell was going on? She unlocked the door and opened it, face to face with a concerned-looking woman wearing a worried expression. ‘Do you need some help?’
Ellie felt the emotion catch in her throat that took her by surprise. She wasn’t expecting to have such an attack of nerves when the time came to speak out. Yeah sure, she knew she would be nervous, but this overwhelming feeling that was starting to descend was nothing like she had ever felt before. She was doing the right thing, she kept telling herself over and over.
‘Ellie!’ Zoe’s voice pierced her mind as she shrieked down the phone. ‘What’s happening, are you okay?’
The woman looked at the phone perched in Ellie’s hand as she stumbled backwards and resumed her seat on the toilet, resting her head in her trembling hands, nearly dropping the phone. The woman scooted forward and kneeled at Ellie’s feet, taking the phone from Ellie’s hand.
‘Hello?’ the woman said.
Ellie couldn’t make sense of what was going on and simply rocked as a high-pitched sound pulsated through her ears. She then had an almighty urge to be sick. It came on so suddenly and she jumped up, shoving the woman away from her as she slammed the door shut and flicked the lock. She spun round and threw herself onto her knees on the floor and hugged the toilet bowl, retching so hard her eyes watered.
Never before had she felt so confused, scared and alone as she did right now. She needed to get out of here. She couldn’t stay within the confines of these walls any longer. She felt as if the world around her was closing in, the walls dragging ever closer to push against her. She could almost feel the air being forced out of her lungs. She found it hard to breathe and her eyes were going fuzzy. She blinked continuously, trying to clear her vision. ‘Oh God,’ she whispered as she stood up. She stumbled over to the door and began to fumble the lock. She couldn’t unlock it. She seemed to be locked in. She frantically pulled at the lever, catching her finger in the lock as it slid back into its holster. A mix of pain from her finger and sheer relief, she let the tears fall as she exited the toilet. Stumbling forward precipitously, just to make sure she was actually out of there, she fell into the sink and began to sob. She didn’t care that there was a woman next to her, staring at her in worried confusion; she didn’t care that she must look like a total idiot. She also didn’t care that Zoe was going to be worried sick on the other end of her phone, wondering what the hell was happening!
The woman immediately ran over to Ellie, throwing a friendly arm around her shoulders. ‘Oh my goodness, what’s wrong? Do you need an ambulance?’
Ellie threw out a few random words in between sobs and, uncharacteristically, rested her head on this stranger’s shoulder and cried her heart out.
‘Shh, it’s okay,’ the woman comforted, rubbing Ellie’s shoulder. ‘Would you like me to call someone?’
There was only one person she wanted at this moment in time, and the realisation made her feel sick again. But she couldn’t hide it any more. She needed to face up to the situation. She raised her hand and pointed towards the door, indicating the restaurant as the tears began to fall more heavily again. She simply squeaked, ‘Chris,’
Chapter 9
‘So come on then, spill.’ Pippa stirred the tea that Zoe had passed her over the counter and picked up a bourbon biscuit to dunk.
‘What do you want to know?’ Zoe was busy wiping down the sides but Pippa could see the smile on her face.
‘Anything and everything. Where did he take you? What did you eat? What did you wear and, most importantly, did he stay over?’ Pippa winked.
‘Pip!’ Zoe gasped, looking at her, shocked.
‘I don’t even know where that came from. I’m blaming the hormones.’ She flushed a little.
Zoe lau
ghed and leant on the counter. ‘Well, after you cancelled he suggested we go to that new Mexican place on the other side of the High Street – the one with the red canopy outside?’ Pippa nodded her acknowledgement. ‘So we went there and the food, oh my goodness, Pip, it was divine.’
‘I’m not a Mexican lover – plus Jason doesn’t eat it, so it works out well for us.’ She was still really angry at him and the mention of his name prompted a sense of irritation inside her.
‘Oh, maybe don’t go there, then. But we really enjoyed it.’
‘Did you stay there all evening?’
‘No, we then went on to that bar on the corner of Walker Street?’
Pippa gasped. ‘Oh, I really want to go there. Hasn’t it recently been refurbished?’ It had been so long since Pippa had had a girly night out. It was always Jason going out with her staying home to bake.
‘Yeah, new owners. It’s really nice in there, and they were doing two-for-one on cocktails until 11pm.’ Zoe took Pippa’s plate, which had the bourbons on, and slipped it onto the side with the other dirty dishes, ready to go out back. ‘When you’ve had that baby we will sort a girls’ night out. To celebrate.’
Pippa smiled in agreement, but secretly knew that Jason wouldn’t be happy about it. ‘So did Gregg come back for some coffee afterwards or…’ she trailed off, a smile springing to her lips.
The First Time Mums' Club Page 8