by M. C. S
“Who said I don’t? Maybe one day you will find a prettier, smarter, more focused guy, and … more whole.”
“Don’t say that. I like you anyway. I’m here now and for me nothing is missing. Don't make me feel sorry for you. I don't wanna feel it.”
“And I don’t want you to feel it,” I hugged her harder, and we slept like this. As I told Elle, I could spend that night just cuddling with her.
Elle
38th Day
I woke up with the noise of the running shower. As the water fell, I heard a singing next to it. Ben was no longer in bed. He sang an unknown song, in a tone I was sure would not fit in the song, but he seemed happy, and that made me happy too. I sat down and touched my hair. By the knot, I was sure I was not looking good. I ran to the mirror and observed my face. I tried to minimize the appearance of my hair by brushing it with my fingers.
“Elle, darling, if you don’t want to see me naked, I suggest you get out of there. I’m in no condition to dress in a bathroom.”
Shit! I ran, grabbed the handle, opened the door and left, I waited in the hall. I looked towards the kitchen; my shoulders relaxed because no one was awake yet. I waited until Ben said I could come in.
“Good Morning!” Ben said with a smile.
“Good Morning!” I answered. “Can I take a shower too?”
“I promise I won't peek at you through the lock.”
“Ben, early in the morning? Are you going to start teasing me already?”
“I do it because I love you.”
“If you keep doing that, I'll start thinking otherwise.”
Ben provided me with a clean towel. I took my things from my backpack and went to take a shower. In the foggy boxing, I noticed Ben's scribbling handwriting. I smiled to myself as I read the sentence: I love you.
I took my bath and put on some clothes that were in my backpack. I put on my glasses and went to Benjamin. I loved being greeted with his silly smile, longing that as time went on he would not forget to receive me like this. I did not want his way of looking at me to change, nor did I want his affectionate way with me to change because of time. Ah, time! It took a lot of couples to fight, and it seemed like that beautiful love from the beginning did not exist anymore. As if the effort that the guy or girl has made to conquer the loved one has turned into just a blur and treated the other with such indifference. I sincerely hoped that this love of today would never cool down, and that we would never treat each other aggressively, using the ugliest words to hurt each other.
I curled into Benjamin's lap, hugging him.
“Now you leave messages in the bathroom boxing?”
“It was just a coincidence. I didn't even know you would get in there.”
“It’s not often that you know how to lie,” I laid a kiss on his cheek, but Ben could not stand it with just a kiss on the cheek. He held my cheek, giving me one more kiss to crush my heart. Someone entered the room, and I shrank in shame.
“Mom! Entering without knocking?”
“Sorry, Ben, I didn't know Elle was here. Did she sleep here?” I wondered why she did not keep that question to herself.
“No,” Ben answered naturally. “Just arrived.”
“Funny, I hadn’t heard the intercom ring. I will prepare the breakfast,” she said and then left the room.
“Relax, my mother will not condemn you,” Ben said, taking my hand from the face, which I used to hide it.
I felt even more embarrassed when Ben’s father smiled in a strange way at his son on coffee table. Ben answered by not letting the sound out of his mouth.
“No. That’s not what you’re thinking at all,” Ben was redder than I was. I just did not know if it was red with shame or anger. I barely touched the food. I did not like to be the center of attention.
Already in the barbecue area, Ben left me for a minute alone and returned with a piece of chocolate cake on a plate on his lap.
“I realized you didn't eat anything. Brought it to you,” I took the plate from his hand.
“Thanks. Don’t you talk about us with your parents?” I asked as I cut the cake into small cubes.
“No.”
“But it seemed your father wanted to know something about both of us.”
“It's nothing, Elle. Forget it.”
“I'll try,” I sighed and ate my cake.
Ben showed me his ability with the guitar. One of the activities he started doing after the accident. He insisted that I play videogame with him, which did not please me much. I did not like it and losing for the tenth time in a row was becoming humiliating. I threw the control over the bed.
“Enough, Ben. This is already an addiction.”
“Winning isn’t addiction. It's rewarding.”
“Rewarding to you, who is winning.”
“I know I'm upsetting you,” Ben was thoughtful for a while. “I wanted to take you somewhere. Sorry, I have no place in mind.”
“Ben, I don't care. I like your company, that's what matters.”
Ben took me into the garden. I had never come to this part of the house before. I sat under the shade of a tree as I smelled the scents of flowers being blown by the wind. Ben asked me to help him move from the wheelchair to the floor. He used the tree for support, and I helped him a little fearfully. I sat down again and laid down with his head resting in my lap. We spent the afternoon there, chatting away, while I played with his hair. Peace reigned, and there was no one to bother us.
39th Day
I found Ben and Fernando whispering something when I got to school. They were near the gate. I snuck in, taking part of the conversation.
“Quick, right!” Fernando said, looking at some specific point. I did not care to follow his gaze.
“No! You’re too slow,” Ben looked in the same direction as Fernando, this time I also made a point of looking.
I located Carla next to Bernardo, next to a parked car. By the interlaced hands and the eye-to-eye conversation I realized something else was going on there. I did not see any sadness on Fernando’s face, a sign that maybe he does not care after all. But I cared, because Carla kept it from me.
“I have a scholarship,” I heard Fernando say.
“And so what?”
“You’ll never understand. The girl being richer than the guy is kind of weird, it looks like interest.”
“That’s prejudice,” I broke off their conversation. “I’m also a scholarship student.”
“It's different, Elle,” Fernando replied, fixing his glasses.
“Just study and pursue what you want,” Benjamin said. “With your brain, I'm sure you'll get what you’re aiming to. But moping about this and that doesn’t work. Trust me,” Fernando got a little thoughtful, and I longed to be alone with Ben.
“I'm waiting for you in the classroom,” I told him.
I ran into the classroom. It was empty as usual. I grabbed a piece of chalk from the blackboard and thought about returning the message Ben left written on the bathroom boxing. I wrote: I love you, Ben on the blackboard. I would erase it as soon as he read and before anyone reached the room.
Ben did not take long to appear. He entered the room while I was still standing in front of the board.
“I love you, Ben! Great way to be received in class before you start another torturous day of classes,” Ben called me and I knew what would come next.
Before I was close to him, two students entered the room so quickly that I could not do the stunt to erase the painting. I rushed to sit in my seat completely embarrassed, Ben went to his. Damned! No one arrives before the bell hits. Why precisely today? Maybe because I have always been an unlucky person.
One of the girls noticed the phrase on the board. She stopped in front of it and soon turned her attention back to Ben.
“I love you, Ben. Does Benjamin have a secret admirer?” Great, she did not recognize my handwriting. This time being a lonely person in class had its advantage.
“When I arrived it was already there,” Ben replied
, as if he really did not know who the person behind the message was. He was a great liar.
I waited anxiously for the bell to ring, at least I was sure no one would suspect me of being the author behind the words. But what I did not expect was that my mother would come into the room. Her class was the last two. She gave her usual good morning, which not everyone was keen to answer. I buried my face in the table, already predicting the worst.
She started classes, explaining that she had exchanged time with the other teacher, but did not reveal the reason. And I cursed teacher Bernadete mentally for it. As soon as she turned to the painting, she stood for a while in silence. I am sure she recognized my handwriting. Until finally she turned to face the class. She glanced at me, grabbed the eraser and erased the painting. I said nothing about it, but the rest of the room made a point of whispering about it. I heard my name once, but made a point of ignoring it.
When the bell for the second lesson rang, my mother made a point of stopping at my desk. She bent down and whispered in my ear:
“We need to talk.”
“At home, mom.”
“Ok. “
“All right. But today you don’t escape me.”
I bumped into Carla in the hallway and covered the subject Bernardo.
“He had invited me to go out with him on Sunday,” said Carla.
“Did you go out with him and say nothing to me? What a disappointment, Carla. What happened to the pact of telling each other everything?” I was upset, and I was really upset. I felt betrayed.
“I'm sorry, you were so good with Ben that I didn't want to interrupt. But I’d tell you today. I didn't want Ben to hear about me and his cousin. I don’t know. Is weird.”
“Don't you think I would say anything to him, do you?” I asked, wondering how much Carla trusted me.
“I know you don’t, but Ben could have listened. And you know how he is.”
“I'll try to believe in your excuse.”
“This isn’t an excuse, Elle.”
“What is really going on between you?” I asked curiously.
“We're just getting to know each other. But…” she chose not to finish.
“But he's not Fernando.”
“No. But he's cool. Very cool. Too much. I thanked Fernando for the gift today.”
“And what did he say?”
“Ben wasn't supposed to tell.”
We met Ben and Fernando at the courtyard.
“What did your mother tell you in the classroom?” Ben asked me.
“Nothing yet, but she wants to talk to me, I think you know the subject.”
“If you want, I can talk to her with you. May I ask your mother for permission to date you?” I tried to imagine Ben in my living room, asking my mother for us to date. Definitely, this was not a good idea.
“Would you have the guts?”
“Ah! Come on, Elle? I'm not afraid of your mother.”
“But still, I don't think it's a good idea.”
“Sunday I’ll ring your doorbell, or I’ll clap. Unfortunately I can’t reach the bell, but my palms are great. I’m not leaving until you get back to me.”
“Wrong idea, Ben.”
“No, it isn’t,” Carla said. “Ben will be able to show her he's not that stupid. Not everyone goes to his mother-in-law's house to ask her permission to date her daughter.”
“Thank you so much, Carla. I love it when you praise me. Mainly because I know how sincere your words are.”
“You’re welcome.”
“Just try to be less you,” Fernando said.
“Even you? I know how to behave when the moment calls for it.”
“I haven't made my decision yet.”
“No need, I'll show up anyway,” Ben was emphatic.
“I won’t argue with you.”
“No need, you have already lost this battle. Tell my mother-in-law to wait for me on Sunday, or not. I can make a surprise.”
I finished cleaning the house at almost five o'clock in the afternoon. This time I made the cleaning a little more impeccable. Mom liked an exaggerated cleaning. So that was one more way to improve your day after a busy day at work. After it was all over, I took a shower and settled down on the sofa. I put a pillow over my lap and started zapping the TV.
She was going to make me confess that I was the author of the sentence on the board. Although the handwriting proved it, I was sure she would want to get it out of my mouth. My mother exaggerated when it came to "protecting" me. I have never been a person who has the habit of doing irresponsible things, I have never been an irresponsible person, although I am not acting as one when I am in Ben's presence. I slept in his house hiding, it is one of those irresponsible things, even when the word sleep really applied to what we were doing.
Maybe the reason she overreacted was because my father left her with a newborn daughter, and she did not want the same thing to happen to me, even though she always had my grandmother’s support. But I know what I want for my future, I have been fighting for it for a while. Of course Ben is part of it. I do not know how long our future will last, but I hope it will be long
Mom entered the living room and threw her purse and materials on the sofa. Of course she was a wreck. Her face gave up fatigue. I felt useless when she did not notice my cleaning. Mother settled down on the sofa and massaged her temple, soon after faced me coldly.
“I don’t want you to try to stall me. What’s going on between you and Benjamin, that it comes to the point that you need to be exposing yourself in the classroom?” I wanted to tell her that I was not exposing myself, but rather returning the phrase he left in the bathroom boxing yesterday, but I let it go.
“Me and Ben are dating,” I said it so quietly that it sounded more like a whisper, but I was pretty sure Mom listened to me. She looked up at the ceiling and back at me.
“That's not good, but I already suspected. I couldn't imagine so much happiness coming from you if it weren't for Benjamin. I've never seen you like this before. Oh! Goddamn it! I could stay here telling you what I think of Benjamin, but I know it won't do any good. I could also forbid you to date him, but I also know it won't do any good.”
“No, it won’t.”
“I'll try to be a little understanding. But don't wait too much,” she sighed. “How long have you been together?”
“Two weeks.”
“And only now you decided to tell me?”
“By free and spontaneous pressure, yes.”
“No fun, Gabrielle. Ben, does he like you? He loves you?”
“Yes.”
“Did he tell you that?”
“Yes.”
“Yes. You only say yes?”
“I don’t feel pretty much comfortable to talk about that with you.”
“His parents know?”
“Yes, they do.”
“Do they agree with your dating? As you can see, your financial structure is incompatible.”
“They don’t care about that. Neither does Ben.”
“Do you think your romance will go ahead?”
“Of course yes.”
“And the studies, Elle? Will you be able to reconcile both? College is different from school.”
“I already told you that I prioritize studies.”
“Is Benjamin behaving?” I swallowed hard.
“Absolutely. He’s quiet,” I told a little necessary lie. I could not tell her that Ben had already tried to advance the signal a few times, in a short space of time, and also in a short dating time. “Also he will come here on Sunday to talk to you.”
“He will come. So you had it all settled?”
“Mom, try to look on the bright side. Nowadays, which guy would come ask a mother to date the girl? Benjamin is trying very hard not to cross you.”
“Hope he makes a good effort.”
“He will. You should give him a chance. You’ll see that he isn’t as bad as you think.”
“I hope he proves it to me on Sunday.”
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Already on 45th Day
Mom got up early to prepare lunch. Although she would not accept my relationship with Ben one hundred percent, she would not treat him badly at home unless Ben said something that displeased her, and I sincerely hoped he would not do it.
I helped her prepare the salad, although I did not like this task. I was a fan of food, but I never enjoyed cooking or helping with food preparation. But I decided to make that little effort because of Benjamin. Still in my pajamas, I helped my mother do the rest of the day's chore. A little later, I hurried to get ready.
As I dried my hair, I could not help noticing a pimple that appeared on my face this morning, making me even more apprehensive. The place where it decided to emerge was red and swollen. I heard someone clap. It only could be Ben. I set the pimple aside and tied my hair to my old ponytail as I ran to meet him. I opened the gate and came upon him with a basket filled with chocolate, accompanied by an orchid vase on his lap.
“These are not for you,” he said as a smile broke out on his face. “I have to please the mother-in-law. Chocolates to sweeten a bitter person's day,” Ben smiled, and that kept me from fighting with him, for somehow he offended my mother. “Do you think she'll like it? Or is she the type to play hard to get?”
“I'm sure she will love. Just won't say. She doesn't give up so easily.”
Still on the porch, Ben handed the basket to my mother, who held the basket and analyzed it for a moment.
“Thanks!” just said that, although she's corroding inside, because she loves chocolate. But she would not give in. Not when it came to Benjamin. She handed the basket in my hand and helped take Ben inside. Which she did better than me after all.
She and I sat side by side on the couch, and Ben in his wheelchair. Ben narrowed his gaze and looked at me as if he was asking my permission for something, which I did not know exactly what it was. An irritating silence lingered. Then Ben began to speak...
“Well, I don’t know if I should say this before lunch, it might make you starve. But if I say that after lunch, you might get indigestion.”