by Joe Weisberg
“I like the outdoors” I said.
“But it’s raining.”
“It wasn’t before.”
“It was going to.”
“I just really like the outdoors.”
Gillian looked at me like that was kind of lame but before I could say anything Caroline said “Did you do the history?” to Douglas. And I looked over at them like I thought me and Gillian were supposed to be listening to them.
“Yes I did the history” Douglas said. Sarcastically. This was the 1st time I’d heard him say anything and he was 1 of those guys who doesn’t look like it but has a really really deep voice.
“What’s it about?” Caroline asked.
“The Industrial Revolution.”
“What about it?”
“Everything about it.”
“Well what is it exactly? Is it like industry?”
Douglas put down his sandwich now and stared at her face.
“Bergoff talked about it for 45 minutes on Monday” he said.
“Yeah well. I wasn’t paying attention” Caroline said.
“What the fuck were you doing?”
“You’ll have to excuse Douglas he’s in 1 of his moods” Gillian said to me.
“I don’t know” said Caroline.
Douglas looks at her.
“So what is it?” Caroline said.
Douglas says “Let’s put it this way. Your whole life would be different if there were no Industrial Revolution. Your clothes would be made by hand there’d be no cars so we wouldn’t even live in fucking Hutch Falls because there’d be no such thing. Without cars.”
“Where would we live?” Caroline asked.
Douglas said “I don’t know on farms. With cows. It would suck.”
“This doesn’t suck?” said Caroline.
Douglas picked up his sandwich and looked at it like he was thinking. Caroline turned to me.
“You’re on the soccer team this year right?” she said.
“Yeah last year too.”
“Are you guys any good?”
“We’re 4 and 2.”
Nobody said anything and then Caroline says to Gillian “Where’s Kath?”
“I don’t think she’s here. Was she in math?”
“She’s sick” says Douglas.
“She’s sick every other day” Gillian says to me.
“That depends on what you mean by sick” Douglas says.
“Not here” Gillian says.
Douglas sort of grunts. I don’t even know who Kath is and while they’re talking about her I wonder why Carolines summer was so bad you can’t ask about it then all of a sudden they’re like “OK” and Caroline and Douglas crumble up their garbage and put it on Gillians tray.
“What do you have after lunch?” Gillian says looking at me.
“Math Sociology and Spanish.”
“Ola” says Caroline and she starts laughing.
I didn’t know if she wanted me to answer her? In Spanish? I was about to say “Buenos Dias” when Gillian said “OK let’s go.”
“I need a cig” said Caroline.
All 3 of them stand up and Gillian looks at me and says “So when’s your next game?”
“Monday Holy Brothers Of Saint Christopher” I say.
Gillian says “OK see you later.”
“Yeah. Later” I say.
And then they walked back into the Lunchroom.
CHAPTER 4
THE BIG GAME
Holy Brothers Of Saint Christopher is our really big rival. They’re a religious school and Hutch Falls is about 3 times as big so you’d think we’d cream them every time but either they’ve got God on their side or something because the games are always tight. Also you’d think religious people would be really nice or sportsmanlike or wimpy or something but that is not what religious people are like even a little they go after the ball like God told them to and they don’t mind flying face 1st into the ground and they keep playing even if their heads bleeding or their knees coming out the other side of their leg.
Right before the game Coach Kurlyesku tells me to come to his office. This is bad because it usually means 1 of your teachers went to Coach Kurlyesku and asked him to light a fire under your ass by telling you you are in danger of not being allowed to play soccer anymore unless you pick up the slack in their lame anyway class. This never happened to me before because last year when I was getting my D+ in math it was 2nd Semester and there was no soccer. But now it’s happening because I got a D and a D– on 2 quizzes in guess what Math. In most classes I get Bs and sometimes Cs. (Last year on 1 of my written evaluations in a class where I got a C my teacher wrote my thinking deserved a B but my work deserved a C.) This is probably above average. But my Dad thinks a B is mediocre versus what the school officially says which is it’s good and he thinks a C is like an F– or a G. The worst grade he ever got was a B on a test in law school when he had bubonic plague or something and passed out 1/2 way through the test and still got a B. My Mom thinks I haven’t found myself academically. Anyway I got the D and the D– on the quizzes in math partly because I suck at math and partly because I don’t do the homework always because you shouldn’t be forced to do things you’re naturally not intended by God to do in terms of how he made your brain and personality. We’re all special.
So I go to Coach Kurlyeskus office which is in the hall right by the locker room he’s got lots of trophies and baseball bats and crap all over the place and no windows and it feels weird inside because it’s not an office office when the person in there is a coach and doesn’t really do any work like real teachers and people in offices but it also makes it kind of cool to be there too and talk about sports and stuff like you would never do in a real teachers office but also you know the difference between when you’re in there because you helped Coach carry some balls or something back from the bus and you can hang out and talk for a minute and when you’re in there because you’re in trouble. When I go in Coach Kurlyesku’s there behind his desk in 1 of his trademark sweatsuits which is a lot more like a Romanian type sweatsuit than Adidas or anything. “Sit down” he says but it sounds like “Seet down.” I’m supposed to describe stuff so let me describe Coach Kurlyesku. Basically he’s got a really big forehead. He looks like 1 of those guys from ancient times like Australeopithacus man. He’s also from Romania and you can only understand 1/2 of what he says but he gets mad if you say “what” so you have to pretend to understand everything.
So I seet down.
He says “Jermee work more in math.”
“OK” I say.
“Now Jermee before beeg game I have question. Why why” and his forehead is crunching up all of a sudden like he’s the most confused person on the planet “Why yooo keeek ball fast? I want yooo I want yooo slow. Theeenk. Weeth ball. So yooo get ball good like real player. But zen” and Coach Kurlyesku puts his hands up and sort of waves his fingers around and goes “Aaaah!” really loud. I’ve never seen him do this before and I’m pretty surprised and I just stare at him. Then he points at me and says “Why yooo fast? Slow slow. Theeenk theeenk. Pass! Zen meekaboo.”
Except for Meekaboo I think I get the idea of what he’s saying and I say “But you’re always yelling at the fullbacks to get rid of the ball.”
He says “No fullback. Zem. No. Yooo yooo keeep ball keeep ball OK?”
“OK” I say.
And then I leave.
I go to the locker room and everybodys there already everybodys acting all cool like it’s just another game but you can sort of tell even John McKnight and Randy Brewer and those guys are a little nervous after all the odds of getting a broken face or something and then losing too when you play Holy Brothers Of Saint Christopher are pretty good.
We go through the tunnel to the field. The tunnel smells like old underwear with lemons. I don’t know why. When we hit the field the whole crowd is already there and it’s the hugest crowd we’ve had yet this year by a long shot and there are people on both si
des of the field and even all over the endlines so we warm up with passing drills and shots on goal and all this stuff you always do without even thinking about it believe me you think a lot more with all these people there. The sun is on its way down and it’s getting kind of cold out but it feels good and you get that feeling like you can run forever and kick the ball really far that you get when it’s not hot.
The Refs blow their whistles and we start. Holy Brothers is attacking really hard right away and we’ve got everybody back I break up a few dribbles and knock some guys off the ball but I keep booting it up the field totally forgetting what Coach Kurlyesku said to me and then I remember pretty much a 10th of a second later after I kick it and I’m like “Ugh.” Over on the sidelines I see Renee with Lenea and Cindy standing there and a lot of other girls all around them and most of them are wearing skirts. Last year they all went to football games not soccer. Cindy was a cheerleader but she broke her ankle and she still can’t cheerlead this year while it’s recuperating and her and all the girls got to know John McKnight better and fell in love with him so now they’re all soccer fans and at every game and they scream whenever John or Randy Brewer touches the ball it doesn’t even matter if they screw up they cheer for them just because they’re them I guess. As for me I could steal the ball from a forward on a break-away then dribble down field through every Holy Brother there was and do a reverse bicycle kick into the goal and nobody would say anything.
Anyway nobody scores and the games going on and sometimes when I look over I see Renees Breast which is so big sideways and also Leneas hair which is long and black and gets stuck in the wind and goes blowing out sideways at a 90 Degree angle and Cindy Tollson. Renee a lot of times is saying something to 1 of them. Or laughing really hard where she puts her hands on her knees and looks like she’s going to fall over or maybe throw up. 2 different times I was looking too long at them and I suddenly got this feeling like uh-oh something’s happening and the ball was about 2 feet away from me and I booted it up the field and I heard Coach Kurlyesku from the sidelines go “Slooow! Slooow!”
It’s tied 0-0 at half-time we’re standing around the cooler and I’m drinking Gatorade and looking around and I see Gillian and Caroline and that guy Douglas all the way down behind the goal by the parking lot they’re hard to see because they’d rather die than wear any bright colors or anything. I think Gillian waves at me but I’m not sure so I just kind of look without waving back like I might be looking at something else behind them and didn’t see her wave. It looks like they’re all smoking right there in front of all the teachers and parents and everybody. I don’t get how they’re not going to get in trouble. In case they’re watching I turn back around like I have to talk to my teammates about the game and everything like there’s some big strategy we have to plan for the 2nd 1/2 if we’re going to win.
Anyway God or not I think Holy Brothers is tired from going so crazy in the 1st 1/2 and we’re in front of their goal more in the 2nd 1/2 but it’s still 0-0 until about 15 minutes left in the game when Chris Halal sprints in from mid-field takes a pass from Randy on the wing and scores a goal we all go pretty much nuts and the crowd is going crazy and I go give Chris a Hi-5 and so does everybody else.
Holy Brothers suddenly gets possessed by the Devil now because they’re going to lose and they’re back going crazy all over our backfield like their lives depended on it and they aren’t tired now all of a sudden. I slide under a Holy Brothers forward and knock the ball he’s got out of bounds I hear Coach Kurlyesku shouting “Goood goood goood.” I check the same man on the throw in and the ball goes back to mid-field and I get in front of him the ball comes up to a halfback in front of me and he wants to blast it past me down the wing to my man. I see him kick the ball and it’s coming right at me and I want to stop it but it’s going way too fast to get my foot up and too low to get my chest on it and then I want to get out of the way and I hear “whoooosh” and the ball flies into my balls and I fall completely down on the ground. I can’t really breathe much and I’m bent in 2 pieces and I hear people talking and I wonder if anyone scored and I roll onto my back and John McKnight is next to me bending down. His hair’s all sweaty which I wouldn’t normally notice but I notice now because everything looks huge and right in my face and it’s stuck to his forehead. He goes “Man. Ouch.” Then he picks up my hand and puts it on my stomach and says “hold up the waistband of your shorts it helps.” I hold it up and it helps but like when your head’s on fire and somebody puts out 1 little piece of it but not the rest so you’re still on fire and Coach Kurlyesku is looking down at me and I wonder if Renee is watching and I picture her maybe going “Wow”. John McKnight is standing up now and he’s still looking at me and for a few seconds lying there surrounded by everyone and all the Holy Brothers Of Saint Christopher with some tears I can’t do anything about going down my face and my balls pretty much crushed everything felt kind of OK. It was weird.
Anyway Coach Kurlyesku came out and everybody was discussing if I needed a stretcher and an ambulance but finally I was like “I can make it” and Chris Halal and Coach Kurlyesku each took 1 of my arms and helped me get up. Getting up hurt about as much as getting the ball in the balls in the 1st place or maybe more because it took longer. I walked very slowly to the sidelines with them almost carrying me and then I sat down and then I lied down and the game started again. I could turn my head and see legs running around. Nobody else scored and pretty soon it was over.
After the game I got a lot of sympathy in the locker room. We won so everybody was happy and in a really good mood but every time Randy walked by me he shook his head and said “ultimate sacrifice ultimate sacrifice” and some other guys picked it up too and started saying it.
I had my soccer jacket on and my white Adidas bag over my shoulder and when I limped out into the parking lot I felt sort of tough for having won and survived and given the ultimate sacrifice and all. The parking lot was very crowded with all the fans and everything. Over at the teachers spaces Coach Kurlyesku was standing next to his car which is a green Pinto and has soccer balls and nets and bags and stuff in the back all the time and he’s smiling this huge smile which you don’t see much and talking to parents probably about the game. John and Randy were over talking to Renee and Lenea and Cindy and they were all all over them and I was sure saying how great they were (even though Chris scored the winning goal) Lenea and Cindy especially because Renee isn’t as loud as they are she just doesn’t make a big deal out of everything. John is standing right next to Renee and they’re talking. Basically they’re pre-destined to be like the Romeo and Juliet of Hutch Falls High. Except for not dying at the end. (Which is a very overrated book in my opinion. I wanted to write my English paper with the thesis “Romeo and Juliet totally sucks.” You’re supposed to give supporting examples. 1 supporting example of it sucking would be you can’t understand anything Shakespeare says. Here is an example from Act 3 Scene 4 of not understanding it:
It best agrees with night. Come, civil night,
Thou sober-suited matron all in black,
And learn me how to lose a winning match
Played for a pair of stainless maidenhoods.
Hood my unmanned blood, bating in my cheeks,
With thy black mantle till strange love grow bold,
Think true love acted simple modesty.
WHAT????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? Do you understand anything this guy is saying? No you don’t. Another example of it sucking is the plot Romeo thinks Juliet is dead because she drinks this magic potion that makes you seem like you’re dead when you’re not so he drinks poison and kills himself. This is totally unrealistic because 1st of all there’s no magic potion that does that 2nd of all if there was don’t you think people would know about it by now? so wouldn’t Romeo instead of suddenly killing himself be like “Hmm Maybe she took that magic potion I better wait a few hours before poisoning myself to death.” Give m
e a break. 3rd of all what about Juliet knowing Romeo’s dead when she wakes up? How does she? I mean she just took the magic potion why doesn’t she think maybe Romeo took the magic potion I should make sure he’s really dead before stabbing myself to death. What a couple of idiots. By the way my thesis ended up being “Romeo and Juliet is 1 of Shakespeares greatest plays” which I got a C– on anyway because Mr. Trudett said I should of mentioned some of Shakespeares other plays.)
Anyway I didn’t have a ride home so I was going to walk or limp I guess and I started going across the parking lot and everyone all over was in such a good mood about winning. Then I see Gillian and Caroline and that same guy Douglas. Gillian’s wearing this dark red sweater and she’s got red lipstick on and she’s still pretty flat. She’s looking right at me as I go by them and I’m still pretty far away and she goes “Hi” and I stop. A part of me thinks maybe they’re waiting for me or something because I did tell them about the game but they don’t really act like they’re waiting for me or anything and Caroline is smoking away on a “cig” again totally not worried about anybody seeing her and Douglas has shaved and he looks kind of like he has a different sort of more normal personality now. I say “Hey.” Gillian goes “Are you OK?” And we’re kind of shouting because we’re sort of far away but I don’t want to go over like I think they’re waiting there for me or something. So I say pretty loud “Yeah.”
“That had to hurt” Douglas screamed.
“Yeah” I said.
“Do you want a cigarette?” Caroline says and I can see Gillian look at her like “what are you asking him that for?”
“No thanks” I said.
And I’m starting to feel stupid talking so far away and I hear some people laughing behind me and cars are starting to drive around the parking lot and go out the front towards home or wherever they’re going and I’m pretty close to where Renee and those guys are hanging out with each other and I wonder if they see me talking to these guys and then I hear “Jeremy would you like a ride home?” I look and Mrs. Shalquist is looking at me out the window of her car her sons a freshman and they live pretty close to us and I say “Yeah” and I look back over at Gillian and everybody and Gillian smiles and I give a little sort of stupid wave and then I get in the car and we go.