Dudes Down Under

by Suzannah Burke

  “Sure thing. I’ll grab us a bottle of vino. You want to sit out back near the pool?”

  “Uh-huh, yeah, hon, that would be good. I’ll wait out there, all right?”

  Lucy nodded and noted the nervousness in his voice. She would try and make this as easy for him as she could. She pulled out the chilled Chablis, grabbed a couple of glasses and walked out to the back porch. She couldn’t see him at first, then noticed the glow of a cigarette up under the arbor of bougainvillea that draped all around the borders of her fenced area.

  * * *

  “All right, Cyril mate, are you ready for your surprise?”

  Is the Pope Catholic, duh? I have been pacing all morning and haven’t even had a beer. So, all right already, show me.

  “Right, buddy, well it’s time. Close your eyes.” Skeet nodded to Rebecca and she escorted the first of her two ladies into the room. Three additional handlers per crocodile stood around and watched a little anxiously.

  “Awright, Cyril, open your eyes, mate.”

  Oh I am so excited. Eeeeeeeeeek! What is that? My God, it's ugly. Skeet, don’t just stand there with ya mouth open, do something. It’s gross, ugly … and it smells disgusting.

  “Cyril don’t look too thrilled to see Pebbles, does he?” said Rebecca, closely watching both of the big crocs. Pebbles is not overjoyed either.”

  The smaller of the two crocs looked around frantically for an escape route. Spotting the open door access to the rear pool and enclosure, she made her way quickly toward it, putting as much distance as possible between her and the large male.

  “Well, that went down like a lead bloody balloon, didn’t it? What’s wrong with you, Cyril? Don’tcha recognize a good lookin’ woman when ya see one?”

  THAT was a woman? Oh my God, please, this is not funny. She was sooo ugly. I can’t imagine what you were thinking. I mean, I know I am a crocodile as well, but I have taste, style, dress sense. I wear clothing. She was butt-naked. Eeeeeww, how crass.

  “Will we try Sadie? Maybe he’ll like her more,” said Skeet, not very convincingly.

  “Nah, not yet. Let me think about this for a bit. I’ll put Pebbles and Sadie back in the large pen while we have a natter about it, all right?”

  Skeet turned around after nodding his agreement to Rebecca. “Well, Cyril, we need to have a little think about this, so I’ll give you ya ration of beer and we’ll be back a bit later, mate, awright?”

  Beer, oh good - good for shock, don’t you know? I am disappointed. I had so hoped for 'The Godfather' book, and what did I get? Well, it just doesn’t bear thinking about. I am an unhappy crocodile.

  “Does he always flip on his back like that?” asked Rebecca.

  “Only when he’s got a case of the shits, mate,” said Skeet.

  “I only asked because Sadie does it as well. She even holds her breath,” said Rebecca.

  Sadie? What’s a Sadie, and why does she hold her breath? I must find out how that’s done. Where is my beer? I need a drink. This is just so traumatic.

  Pebbles responded to her handler's whistle and slowly edged her way past Cyril who gave her a big fake crocodile smile as she went by.

  Poor thing. How cruel life is. I guess you just can’t help being ugly, and smelly, poor thing. Now I feel like a heel, and a beer!

  Chapter 25

  Tony De La Cruz sat up at the bar in the Swamp. Kylie Andrews wandered in with his ex-wife. They had clearly formed a friendship of sorts and were laughing uproariously about something. Vanessa spotted her ex first, gave Kylie a nudge and they both joined him at the bar.

  “Why the hang-dog expression, Tony, or shouldn’t I ask?” said Vanessa Dayton while signaling to Max that she and Kylie would have their usuals.

  “What, hang-dog, me? No, I’m fine, Ness. Couldn’t be better,” Tony said in what he hoped was a bright, cheerful voice.

  “Bullshit. I was married to you, remember? I know that look. So what’s happening?”

  Kylie spoke up. “Would you guys like to talk without me around? I can take my cocktail outside, no problem.”

  “No, it’s fine, Kylie. Not much to talk about really. Like I said, everything’s great with me.”

  “Uh-huh, I don’t think so, Tony. But hell, if you want to do your ‘let’s pretend’ routine, go for it. Where’s Karen?” Vanessa knew her ex too well; the jugular was exposed, so she went for it. “Everything okay with you two?”

  “Shit, Vanessa, I'm going outside. You slash and burn so well. I don’t want to get in the crossfire.” Kylie picked up her drink and headed out to the drinking area by the covered pool. She was still growing accustomed to her new friend's abrupt manner. Vanessa didn’t play anybody’s game. Her rules of engagement were often cold and blunt, but in a world full of fakes she was so refreshingly honest that Kylie had come to respect and like her a good deal. Still, she just didn’t want to witness the blood-letting which she knew would come.

  A few of the staff gave her a friendly wave on their ways to the various areas. She was popular now that she appeared to have recovered from a severe case of bitch.

  She caught sight of Lana Peters and Jack Starr walking hand -in- hand towards the lagoon. Smiling happily to herself, she realized that they looked so perfect together. She was happy for both of them.

  “Hi, Kylie,” said Karen De La Cruz. “May I join you?”

  Oh fuck, I hope Vanessa and Tony are not chatting too happily. “Sure, Karen, sit down. Just press the buzzer on the umbrella stand and give Max your order, and he’ll bring it out for you. Or better yet, would you like to share a bottle of something ice-cold with me?”

  “Why, thanks ... thanks a lot, Kylie, I would like that very much.” Karen sat herself down facing away from the door entrance to the Swamp.

  “What takes your fancy - champers, or a flat dry white, or red?” asked Kylie.

  “Would Max mix us a special order in a jug and bring it out, do you think?”

  “Sure, he would. Max is way cool. What did you have in mind?”

  “Blue Lagoons - a whole jug, on ice. Yummy, I love those things,” said Karen. “Have you tried them yet, Kylie?”

  “Hmm … what? Um, no … no, I haven’t. Sounds great.” She pressed the buzzer and gave Max the order. It took no time at all before he appeared with a jug full of the wonderfully colored liquid. The glasses were chilled and crusted with sugar, garnished with pineapple and cherry swizzle sticks, and served on a silver tray laid brightly with hibiscus blooms to compliment the overall color. It was a feast for the eyes, and an anaesthetic for the brain.

  “Go easy, Kylie. These are deadly,” warned Karen, helping herself to the tray of nibbles also provided by Max.

  Kylie had caught Max’s eye as he poured the drinks. He saw her expression and gave a discreet nod and wink, then headed back inside to warn his other two patrons as to who was sitting just outside the doors.

  Kylie owed Tony a favor and she would repay it. She decided to let Karen have a few drinks and then she would suggest they go for a walk down by the lagoon. What in hell they would talk about she had no idea; she would have to think of something fast.

  Karen surprised her by asking, “How did you deal with … with breaking up with Tristan?”

  “That was a long time ago, Karen. As you, and probably every other person on the planet that can read headlines, would already know, I took it hard, very hard. I never really let go. I made a total fool of myself and it proved for nothing. It gained me a reputation for being a selfish, clinging bitch. I will never do that to myself again. Why are you asking?”

  Karen’s eyes filled with tears. Kylie took advantage of the situation by suggesting that they go some place more private. She buzzed Max again and asked him to make up another jug to go.

  Max complied very quickly and gave Kylie a conspiratorial wink as she and Karen headed off in the direction of the sparkling water lapping up under the palm trees. The two women sat at a small table and chairs they found there invitingly empty.<
br />
  Karen was the first to speak. “I’m leaving Tony,” she said without preamble. “I don’t love him. I was in love with love, not the man. I wanted to be Mrs. Tony De La Cruz. It’s just not enough anymore. I want my freedom.”

  “Have you discussed this with him? I mean, of course you must have - silly question. What did he say?”

  “He will not allow me to discuss it. He will not allow me to discuss anything that may interfere with his grand plan: the perfect Hollywood couple, so in love, so gifted, so God-damned phoney.”

  “Look, Karen, maybe you shouldn’t be telling me this. You’ll just be embarrassed when you and Tony work things out.”

  “Huh, that’s not going to happen. He will never discuss it. He hides away from anything remotely unpleasant, or he goes over to see John and they work out a little plan to set things right.”

  “So what the hell are you going to do? We still have quite a bit of time left here in paradise.”

  Karen looked sad but very determined. “The chopper leaves for the mainland in about fifteen minutes. My bags are already packed and waiting on the helipad. I was trying to find my darling husband to tell him I was going. He wandered off somewhere, as always, when I told him I wanted to go home. I don’t care anymore, Kylie. I just want it over. I’ve left him a letter; he can do as he pleases. He can tell the press whatever he likes. I just want out, right now.” Karen finished with tears streaming down her face. “It’s better this way. He would try and talk me out of it. He doesn’t like anyone interfering with his careful plans on how life should appear to be.”

  “Is there anything I can do or say to have you change your mind, honey, anything at all?”

  “No, Kylie, nothing. Thanks for listening.” Karen dug into her large purse and handed Kylie a card. Call me when you get back, okay? Maybe we can do lunch or something.” With that, Mrs. Tony De La Cruz stood a little shakily and made her way down to the helipad.

  Great, now what the fuck do I do? I can’t just let her go without saying anything. Dammit, but she didn’t want me to. Fuck. I’ll wait till I hear the chopper lift off, then I will go and tell Tony. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

  * * *

  “Charlie, where do you want to sit, down there or over here by the pool?”

  “What? Oh, sit anywhere, hon, I don’t mind.”

  “What’s troubling you, Charlie? Can you tell me?”

  “Yes, yes, I can tell you but I’m pretty sure you’re not gonna like it.”

  “Well, the best way to do something unpleasant is quickly, just get it off your chest. Okay?”

  “Can you just listen to everything I want to say and not say anything till I’ve finished? Would you do that, please?”

  “Okay, I’ll try. Come on, have a drink, sit down and just let it rip. I’m a big girl. I can take it.”

  Yeah, but can I? “Well, okay.” Charlie lit yet another cigarette and began. “When I came on this holiday, it was just to unwind, to relax back here in Oz without the bloody paparazzi following me everywhere. The island sounded like a piece of heaven to me, and it is, more beautiful than I could have ever believed. I didn’t plan on meeting anybody, just wanted to laze around, do some fishing, maybe go out to the reef. I hadn’t counted on you. You turned my world on its head, Lucy. I have had the most marvelous time of my life, doing all the things I had planned and so much more. You showed me how to relax and laugh again. You shared your home with me. You shared everything with me. I want it to go on and on, and never end, ever. But I am going to be leaving, and very soon, and it's breaking me up inside, Lucy. I don’t want to go back, yet I have commitments Stateside that must be honored and a career that I have worked so hard to build, a dream that I want to fulfill. You know about dreams, Lucy. This amazing place is your dream. You made it into a reality. You did it with pride and dignity and no apologies to anyone. This is the fulfillment you went seeking. I am so proud of you, and what you have achieved here, I could bust.”

  Tears had begun falling down Lucy’s beautiful face. This was the goodbye speech she’d been dreading and preparing herself for. Yet, now that it was here, she wanted to run away and hide from it. She started to speak, to tell him it was fine, she understood.

  He silenced her by placing his fingers gently against her mouth.

  Lucy braced herself and remained silent. Wanting him to get it over with fast so that she could fall apart in private.

  “You see, Lucy, what I have been trying in my own stupid way to say is that I love you. With everything I am and all I’m yet to be, I love you. I don’t expect you to feel the same way, and I don’t want an answer straightaway, but I would be honored if you would consider marrying me and return with me to the U.S.A.” Charlie sat and just looked at her, watching what he had said do the circuit in her brain and finally rest on her face.

  “You’re in love with me?”

  “Yes.”

  “And you want to marry me?”

  “Yes, I do!”

  “And return with you to the States?”

  “Uh-huh. I know it’s impossible. I’m sorry, I didn’t want to put you in a situation wh - ”

  “Shut up, Charlie. I need to say something, okay?”

  “Sorry, of course you do.”

  “Yes.”

  “Sorry … what?”

  “Y.E.S.! Yes, Mr. Charlie Danvers, hotshot movie star, yes. I love you too. And, yes, I will marry you. We’ll have to work out some details of how much time I need to spend here each year but that’s not insurmountable.”

  “Lucy, you said yes?”

  “Uh-huh, I sure did.”

  “Oh God!” Charlie Danvers, hotshot movie star, had tears pouring down his face. His fiancé of two minutes stood up and wrapped herself around him, sealing their tomorrows with a kiss.

  Chapter 26

  “I think I have a good idea about what we can do.” Rebecca was a little tipsy but not so as any Aussie would notice.

  Skeet was in about the same condition. “So whadya reckon we ought to do then, Bec?”

  “My dad calls me, Bec - not Becky or Becca, just, Bec. I like it.”

  “Well good, mate. Bec, it is, then. So what do ya think will work?”

  “Sadie’s used to being dressed up. Been that way since she was a tiny little thing, pretty much like Cyril. She’s used to wearing hats and sunnies, and t-shirts as well. Only hers are all feminine and sort of frilly, like. She kinda looks like that Carmen Miranda bird in all the old flicks. Y’know the one I mean.”

  “Yeah, I think so. She used to sing and play those cooka racha things, hey? Is that the one?”

  “Yep, you got it. I figure I put Sadie in all her finery and give her her ration of booze before she meets Cyril, and we might get a different reaction. What do ya think about that idea?”

  ‘Sounds like a plan, Bec. Sounds like a bloody good plan. Let’s do it.”

  * * *

  “Lana, can you spare a minute?” asked Lucy.

  “For you, girlfriend, anytime. What’s happening? You okay, honey? What is it, what’s wrong? You are worrying me, sweet thing. C’mon, tell Aunty Lana.”

  “I need your help.”

  “Anything, girlfriend. You know if it’s in my power, I’ll do it. Ask away!”

  “Will you be my maid of honor?”

  “Say WHAT? You and the oh-so-hunky Charlie Danvers?”

  “Yes, indeedy!”

  “Oh my God. Oh my God! That’s just wonderful, Lucy. I could cry. Dammit, I am crying, girlfriend, he is such a honey. And you two together, phew, you light up the skyline.”

  “Kinda like you and Jack, huh.”

  “Yeah, you got that right. So when, where, how, how many? Aaarrrgghh! Wow!”

  “We will apply for a special deal. We don’t need blood tests or anything in Australia, and we are both Australian citizens, so that doesn’t present a problem. We want to get married here on the island. Charlie is gonna fly his friends over from the States, and invite his family as well. I don
’t even know how big a family he has yet. My God, so much to arrange.”

  “Lucy, sweetheart, you tell me what you want, when, and where. My staff in Chicago are the absolute best organizers and can-do people on the planet. My wedding gift to you, okay?” The superstar hugged her friend. “And I would be honored to be your maid of honor. Oh God, what will I wear? What are you wearing? Eeeekk! Plans, plans, plans, flowers - in this place, no problem. I swear I am so thrilled for you.”

  “Lana, we would love it if you had the exclusive on this. The film crew can do whatever they want. All I ask is that our exact location is kept under wraps so that more people can come and not be harassed by paparazzi.”

  “Done and done. Oh God, the ratings will go through the roof. Bonus, baby. How are you guys gonna work the location thing? I mean, you won’t need to work anymore but you love it.”

  “Well, that was something else I wanted to run by you. If the owner decided to open up a place like this in several locations worldwide - all secret, all A-list only - would you care to come on board in the location scouting and pre-planning area as long as it doesn’t conflict with your own plans, of course?”

  “Phew, that’s gonna take big bucks, girlfriend, but you’d need to make the place secret and very exclusive for it to work. And some places real close by home are so great and in need of the boost it would give their economy as well. Wow, big plans. I got to meet this guy. He dreams huge, I like that.”

  “Um, one small thing I meant to mention earlier and it kinda never came up.”

  “What, honey?”

  “Um, I am the owner.”

  “You have got to be shitting me.”

  “Nope, all mine. The island, the resort, everything.”

  “Holy shit!”

  “Uh-huh.”

  “Well now, we’ll have a little chat about that later. Let’s get this wedding planned first, okay?”