“Yeah, I’d imagine…” I flipped through the yellowing pages, paragraphs of text broken only by a rare illustration or two, copies of old woodcuts. “So, is this where all the baby-eating stories come from?”
“What is it with you and eating babies?” He shot me a look. “Should I be worried?”
“I dunno…” I looked him over and licked my lips theatrically, “You’re a little old and gangly, but a little A-1 should do the trick…” He laughed and I glanced at my watch.
“Crap, I’ve gotta take off or else I’ll be late for dinner. Uh, thanks for the book Fen!” I turned to leave and his face fell as though I’d slapped him.
“Oh, um… I guess I’ll see you at school then.” He faked a smile and turned back to the books. I stood there a moment, confused, and then headed toward the checkout. As I walked home under the slate gray sky, his reaction bugged me.
Fen was lonely. His mom was always working, and he obviously spent a lot of time at the library, but he didn’t really have any friends outside of the Pack. I was the only one who read anywhere near as much as him, the only one he could share that part of himself with, and I’d just shrugged him off.
I’d make it up to him, I told myself; I couldn’t be late.
No denying it, I was nervous as hell. I kept reminding myself that this wasn’t a date or anything, but—still—this was the closest I’d ever been to one. When I got home, I spent nearly ten minutes deciding what clothes to wear, and barely picked at a single plate of food. Gawd, I was pathetic!
The doorbell rang and I froze like a hunted rabbit, my heart pounding, before I bolted up the stairs two at a time. John had already let Loki in and I greeted her as I gathered my guitar and amp, and tried to keep my nerves from showing. She’d had the forethought to bring a large umbrella to protect us from the frigid drizzle.
A big red crew-cab pickup idled at the curb; its headlights ignited the splotches of slush that fell though their beams. Loki opened the back door for me to load my stuff, and I climbed in after.
“Hiya Jimmy, it’s nice to finally meet you!” A big man in a cowboy hat twisted in his seat to extend his hand, his face was obscured by a shadow from the wide brim of his hat. I smiled and reached for his hand, hoping he wouldn’t notice that I was shaking.
“Pleasure to meet you too, sir.” His hand was warm and firm, rough bits of callous scraped my skin; working hands. His grip was confident and well-practiced with none of my uncertainty. I pressed back as hard as I dared, and he nodded and released me as Loki buckled in.
“So I hear you’re gonna teach Jess’ how to play that guitar she’s been farming dust bunnies with?” It took me a second to remember that Jessica was Loki’s real name; it didn’t suit her any better now than it did the first time I heard it.
“That’s the plan anyway. I’ve never taught anybody but myself, so I hope I don’t just make her worse.”
“I don’t really think that’s possible,” Loki pitched in, “I think it’d be safer if you just assumed I’d never laid eyes on a guitar until tonight.”
“Oh come on, you can’t be that bad.”
Her dad coughed into his hand. “Worse!”
Loki smacked him on the shoulder, “Dad! You’re horrible!” she cried.
“Look who’s horrible? He’s just a poor guy clearing his throat; you’re the teenage hoodlum assaulting him!” He and I both laughed, and Loki glared at me over the seat.
“You’re awful, both of you.”
“Oh c’mon Jess, we’re just having a little fun!” I heard the smile in his voice.
“Yeah, at my expense!”
“Precisely.” I said.
I caught sight of bright blue eyes in the rearview mirror, framed by crow’s feet in his smiling face. We chatted until we pulled down the long driveway to Loki’s house, and trudged through the slush to the back door. Loki removed her muddy shoes, so I followed suit.
Her dad walked past us, “Jimmy, we’re not neat freaks, you don’t have to take off your shoes if you don’t want to.”
“Ugh!” Loki cried, “I don’t want him dripping crap all over my room!”
“You mean on the clothes all over your floor? I swear girl, I can’t even remember what color your carpet is.” He shook his head, “Anyway Jimmy; welcome to our home. If there’s anything you need, just ask.” He smiled at me and walked off. He didn’t know that I’d already been here, and what he didn’t know couldn’t hurt me.
We carried my stuff to her room, and I looked inside for the first time. Every inch of wall space was plastered in band posters and pictures from old wolf calendars. A cornucopia of Goth accessories, makeup, and school supplies cluttered her dresser, intermingled with small wolf statues and busts. A black electric guitar sat in the corner on a stand, its dusty little amp next to it, and in another corner a two-foot high pile of laundry sprawled like a fungus. Belts and buckled boots littered most of the floor like booby-traps for the unwary. “Yeah, this suits you a lot better.”
“I told you my room was messier than yours.”
“Why don’t you clean it?
“Cause it pisses my mom off.” she said brightly.
We fumbled around for a power outlet for our amplifiers, and in the process my eyes fixed themselves on a bit of a crimson and black lace bra that stuck out of a pile of discarded clothes. I swallowed hard as I became very aware that we were a boy and a girl alone in said girl’s bedroom.
I felt the blush creep up my face, and somehow wrenched my eyes away. My stomach tightened with awkward uncertainty, not just because I didn’t know where to even start with her lesson, but also because she was an attractive girl in close proximity, and the walls suddenly seemed a lot closer.
I shook my head to try and clear it, and my voice almost broke when I said, “So, uh, shall we get started?”
“Yeah, what’s first, sensei?” she chirped, her emerald eyes disastrously mesmerizing.
What the hell did come first?
Shit…
“Um, well, I basically taught myself by learning to play my favorite songs. What are some of your favorites, the ones you know by heart?”
“Hell if I know; let’s just cheat.” She pulled out her MP3 player, turned it on shuffle, and hit play. She skipped through a dizzying selection of music, everything from death-metal to pop. I kept a mental tally as she went, checking off the ones I knew or knew I could get. I stopped her when she hit “Of Wolf and Man” by Metallica. We had a winner.
I showed her how to make a power chord, and blushed when I had to move her fingers into the right place on the strings. Then she strummed it and we both winced.
“I think we should tune the guitar first…” I apologized as she blushed as well. The hour passed too quickly after that. We turned off our amps and I set my guitar down, and then slid onto the floor by Loki’s legs as doubts nagged me. Was I teaching her wrong? What if she quit because of me? She didn’t seem upset though, and she sighed and inspected her sore fingers.
“Damn, I’ll get it eventually,” she muttered, and then pulled her legs up onto her bed. I heard her move, and then jumped when her arm draped over my shoulder and across my chest.
“Can I ask you something Jimmy?” Her mouth was right behind my ear, her voice like velvet as my heart raced.
“Sure…” I whispered, just waiting for my voice to crack like a freshman’s. My mind whirred as I tried to anticipate her question.
“What do you think of Fen?”
“How do you mean?” What did she suspect?
“Like, as a person; do you like him?”
“Well, yeah. He’s the best friend I’ve ever had, and he helped me find my wolf. He gave me a place where I could finally belong.” I squeezed her arm as I said that. “Is that what you meant?”
She sighed, “Yeah, I guess.”
“So no, not really. What’s eating you?”
“It’s just…” She sighed again, “I dunno, it’s Fen. Sometimes it just feels like something�
�s not right about him.”
“You mean besides the lycanthropy?” I joked and she glared at me.
“We’re therianthropes, not lycanthropes. And… yeah, aside from that. He makes me uncomfortable when we’re alone, and he always tries to be there whenever I hang out with anyone.”
“What does he do? I’ve never seen him touch or speak to you inappropriately, but maybe that’s just when I’m around.”
“No, he doesn’t do any of that, it’s like he gets this… hungry look in his eyes. It’s like, when he knows no one can see him do it; he looks at me like I’m prey. Like he’s hunting me, and someday he’s going to… I don’t’ know, devour me or something…
“Wow, that’s messed up. It reminds me of some of the dreams I’ve had.”
“Really? That’s just the way I think all the time.” She shrugged, nonchalant.
“Cool, that means you’re, like, the girl of my dreams.” I turned and grinned at her.
“Oh my god, you’re such a dork!” she hit me over the head with her pillow, “here I am trying to be serious for once—”
“Well there’s your problem.” I pounced her onto her bed and tickled her until she shrieked. “Lokies is not supposteded to be all seriousness!”
She laughed until tears leaked out her eyes, and then she cried, “I give, I give!” I rolled onto the floor and we both panted until there was a sharp knock at the door.
“Jess’, you alright in there?” Her father’s voice boomed through the thin wood and I swallowed hard as the knob turned.
“Yeah Dad, I’m good thanks…” She panted, still grinning. His gaze was intense as he looked back and forth between us. “He just tickled me, I’m fine…”
“Okay…” there was something dark in his voice and he locked eyes with me as he backed out the door. “I’ll be nearby if you need me.” I knew the last was more a warning for me, than reassurance for her.
“’Kay, thanks Dad.”
“What was that about?” I whispered after the door latched. I was actually surprised there wasn’t a shotgun in his hands…
She just shook her head, “I’ll explain someday, just… not right now.”
“Okay…” I muttered and sat next to her on the mattress, but my mood had darkened. “Loki… Do I ever make you feel like that?”
“What?” she sat up and leaned her shoulder against me, her face only a foot from mine.
“Do I ever make you feel uncomfortable?”
“Well, merciless jumper-cables are hardly the pinnacle of relaxation.” She laughed until she saw the look in my eyes, then she faltered and I watched her eyes flick back and forth between mine as she bit her lip.
“You know what I mean, do I?”
“No…” she sighed and closed her eyes, then rested her cheek against my shoulder. “No Jimmy, I feel… relaxed around you. Like I don’t have to hold up a façade and can just be myself.” She held up a hand, “And before you go there, it’s not that I think less of you. It’s just— it’s like I know you won’t judge me like everybody else. You know how much it hurts. Sometimes I think some people forget there’s more to me than baggy t-shirts and buckled pants, but with you… I can be me…”
I slid my arms loosely around her shoulders and held her, “I’m glad.” I closed my eyes and smiled as she pressed her face against my chest.
“So do you know what you want to go to college for?” She turned her head and looked at me.
“No, I’m not sure I’m even going at all.”
“Why not?”
“Well, first off, I don’t have any idea what I want to study. Second, my GPA is shit.”
“Well, why don’t you try culinary school? You have a talent for cooking, and you don’t need a 4.0 GPA to get into a trade school or community college.”
I sighed and stared at a Marilyn Manson poster on her wall, “I’ve thought about it. I’m a decent cook, but I’d never make it in a real kitchen.”
“Well, what about music? You’re good at that too.”
“Not good enough. I stand a better chance of getting sucked into an airplane engine than making it in a band, and John would never finance an audio engineering degree.”
She glared at me.
“What?”
“Nothing, absolutely nothing. Forget I fucking said anything.” Loki snapped and pulled away from me.
“What’d I do?” I felt so confused.
“All I was trying to do was help, and you threw it back in my face.”
“I was just stating fact—”
“No,” she interrupted me, “You were copping out. Like usual. You never cease to amaze me with how thoroughly you destroy yourself every chance you get; you’ve always got some excuse.
“You’re not even eighteen years old! You have absolutely every possibility open to you, and people who love you and want to help; but you can’t get over your own goddamned pity party! We can’t even give you a compliment without you using it to degrade yourself, and I’m fucking sick of it!”
I shrank back, mollified.
“Don’t you get it Jimmy? We like you! We see your potential; but you insult me, Fen, your parents, all of us by belittling yourself.” She reached over and grabbed my face, squishing my lips. “Now tell me you’re going to try not to do it anymore. Yes Loki…” She nodded my head up and down, “And you’re going to stop throwing our compliments back in our faces. Yes Loki…” She nodded my head again, “Got it?”
“Yesh Loksi…” I lisped through squished lips and nodded.
“Good.” She let go and I stretched my mouth. Despite the rough handling, I still felt her fingers on my skin, like a burned imprint. I looked at her as she looked at my mouth, and then her eyes flicked up to mine. I became hyperaware of our closeness again, and felt that strange recognition stir as something inside me pulled me to her. A soft rap at the door broke the moment, and Loki shifted to look at the clock. It was time for me to go.
“Jimmy?” she asked quietly.
“Yeah?”
“Don’t tell Fen about this.” Her eyes pleaded, “About these lessons. I like being able to choose who I want to be with.”
“Sure thing.” I said, and she returned my smile.
We gathered my things and Loki’s Dad drove us back to my house. I hugged her goodbye when they dropped me off, and I slipped inside as quietly as I could. I stashed my stuff in the dungeon, and climbed back upstairs to get ready for bed. I closed the bathroom door and pulled my sweater over my head and accidentally caught a glimpse of the mirror.
At first I didn’t recognize myself…
Instead of the pudgy wretch I’d grown used to seeing, a stranger stared back at me from the glass. A stranger whose shoulders were wider than his waist. Whose stomach didn’t protrude like a premature beer belly, and whose chest wasn’t buried behind pads of mush. Even the eyes were different; a ring of black had surrounded my irises, and feathers of gold bled through the blue. Almost like Fen’s…
I smiled at myself for the first time in so long, and my teeth caught my attention. I leaned closer to the mirror for a better look and poked at my teeth. My canines had grown sharp points, with the teeth behind following suit.
I leaned back and ran my eyes over shoulders that had never seemed wide before, past the dark line of hair on my stomach…
I wonder if Loki would like this…
The thought flitted through my mind before I could stop it. I shook my head as I finished undressing and stepped into the shower, but I still couldn’t stop thinking about her. The thoughts slid through my imagination like red satin ribbons, and made my heart pound. Then I thought of Fen too, and everything fell back into perspective. Those fleeting thoughts were all I was allowed. Loki was not only out of my league, but also forbidden.
And what about Fen?
Yes… him too…
I felt the dragon shift inside me, making room for yet another soul-aching want, another hope denied. I turned the water off and stood dripping for a min
ute as I closed my eyes and leaned against the wall; feeling the ache behind my breastbone as the dragon’s mass constricted my heart.
I sighed and pulled back the curtain and saw myself in the mirror again, obscured by fog. But for the first time in… longer than I could remember, I didn’t see the fat, ugly, waste of life I was used to. It reflected a young man with ebony hair and tinted skin. I was not what I used to be anymore…
The dragon tried to close the door to its cavern, but it was too late; something slipped out and escaped. A little piece of self-loathing died. I felt the dragon thrash in the vacant space, but it didn’t hurt… the fluttering in my stomach was quite welcome.
The weekend before Thanksgiving, Fen called me up out of the blue. “Hey Jimmy, Mom got the day off and we were going to go see my dad, did you want to come with us?” There was a thread of uncertainty in his voice, something I almost never heard from him.
“Are you sure? I don’t want to intrude.”
“I’d like to have you there, it shouldn’t take long.” Wow, how bad was this guy?
“Okay, I’ll be ready when you get here.”
I stepped out into the cold and hurried to their car as a dry dusting of snow blew down the street like the glitter inside a snow-globe.
They barely talked as we drove, and I could taste Fen’s nerves on the back of my tongue. When Fen’s mom pulled into a parking lot and shut off the engine, it all fell into place. The dried grass crackled underfoot as Fen quietly led the way across the lawn. The grey clouds and piercing wind cut through my jacket, as a loud flock of geese flew overhead and the brilliant amber leaves from mere weeks ago wove a thick mottled carpet of brown and beige for the coming winter.
Fen walked up to a seemingly random spot and knelt down. He reached out with a gloved hand and gently brushed leaves and snow from a slab of black marble on the cold ground. My throat felt tight as I watched him, and his mother walked up and laid a hand on his shoulder.
Walking Wolf Road (Wolf Road Chronicles Book 1) Page 13