“What about me?” Reeve’s voice is flat. “Were you going to ask me to come?”
My silence is my answer. She scrambles to stand and I clench her wrist. The rage inside her still surges; I can feel it in her muscles and bones. “I just don’t think we’re ready.”
She slit-eyes me. “You’re not. Speak for yourself.”
“Okay, I will. I’m not.”
She goes limp and her head drops back. I stand, still holding on to her wrist. “I love you. I do. But we both need to be in a better place, Reeve.”
She raises her face to the sky. Oh, Reeve. I want you so much. But it’s not a good love. It’s cruel.
She says, “What time is it?”
I look at my watch. Shit. I’m going to be late for work. “Ten fifty-five.”
“We should get back,” she says.
“Reeve—”
She presses a finger to my lips. “You’re smart, Johanna.”
Am I? I want to ask. Or just scared.
“I like that in a girl.” Her finger trails down my front.
I take her hand and kiss it. “Are you going to be all right?”
“Me?” Reeve points to herself. “You talkin’ about me? Shit, I’m a survivor.”
She’s stronger than anyone I know. In some ways.
We walk back to Samaritan House together, yet apart. At the curb by the gate, Reeve turns and says, “I have something for you. Wait here.” She sprints to the porch and disappears inside.
I unlock the car door and lean against it, waiting. Thinking how I’m going to drive away from here and probably never see her again. Wondering if I have the strength to leave.
She hurries back, out of breath, and hands me an object. My gold watch.
“I took it,” Reeve says. “I’m not a nice person.”
I click my tongue. “Yes, you are.” Sometimes.
“I can’t give you back everything I took.”
Our eyes meet and hold. She understands.
“It doesn’t matter,” I say. Some things I have to take back for myself. “I have something for you too.” I open the car door and reach into the back.
“No.” Reeve steps away.
“You’re going to want it.”
Reeve pushes out with both arms.
I extend the case. “It’s all he had.”
“No,” she says. “Get rid of it.”
“He’d want you to have it, Reeve,” I say softly. “To keep it safe for him.”
She loosely hugs herself. “You know what it was? His safe place. That’s what he called it.”
“Maybe it can be yours too.”
She just looks at me. “That’d be retarded.”
I crack up. So does she. But she reaches across and takes the case. “He didn’t bust your window. I did. He’d never hurt you.”
“It’s okay. I won’t be taking my car to Minnesota,” I say. We both hold our breath, like we can’t say goodbye to him or each other.
“Johanna.” Her eyes sweep up to my face. “I’m sorry.”
“I’m not,” I say. Not for knowing love, loving her.
She backs up, away, hugging the case to her, walking, trotting toward the porch. Through the door, into the building. I look at the watch in my hand and latch it onto my left wrist. Two watches, too heavy, as if I’m weighted down by time. I remove the cheap watch.
“Hey! Johanna.”
I glance up. On the third-floor balcony, Reeve leans over the railing. “I forgot to tell you something.”
“What?”
She smiles. “Firsts are overrated.”
Thank you, Reeve. Thank you for that.
I get into my car and crank the ignition. Another place, Reeve, another time. I pull away from the curb and say softly, “See you in Joyland.”
Resources
The Web site links and organizations listed below can provide information and help to those experiencing violence in dating and relationships. In addition, many local resources can be found through schools, police precincts, social services, hospitals, and community support groups.
Choose Respect: Preventing Dating Abuse
www.ChooseRespect.org
National Coalition of Anti-Violence Programs
www.NCAVP.org: 1-212-714-1184
National Domestic Violence Hotline
www.NDVH.org: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233); 1-800-787-3224 TTY
National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline
www.LoveIsRespect.org: 1-866-331-9474; 1-866-331-8453 TTY
The Network/La Red: Ending Abuse in Lesbian, Bisexual Women’s & Transgender Communities
www.thenetworklared.org: 1-617-742-4911; 1-617-227-4911 TTY
Acknowledgments
Long, long overdue acknowledgment of my cherished critique group, the Wildfolk, who, for twenty-five years and counting, have nurtured and grown writers and illustrators for young readers. When I dumped this mess of a manuscript on them and wailed, “Help! What does this story say to you?” they weren’t afraid to tell me it was a beautiful disaster. Emphasis on “disaster.” Eternal, heartfelt gratitude to Hilari Bell, Jane Bigelow, Lisa Brown-Roberts, Meridee Cecil, Carol Crowley, Anna-Maria Crum, Laura Deal, Coleen DeGroff, Wick Downing, Amy Efaw, Randy Fraser, Claudia McAdam, Sean McCollum, Pam Mingle, Christine Liu Perkins, Cheryl M. Reifsnyder, Shawn Shea, Bobbi Shupe, Caroline Stutson, and Denise Vega. I love you guys.
About the Author
Julie Anne Peters grew up in Colorado in a lively, noisy household where she was a regular kid who tormented her older brother and harassed her younger sisters. Past employment stints include teaching and several left-brain ventures involving computers, statistical research, and systems engineering.
But then … writing beckoned. Not easily, not instantly, but the voices, the situations, the details began to come, and to insist themselves upon her pages. Julie’s books have received young reader awards, critical acclaim, and literary recognition. Even though her first love has always been young adult literature, her early books were easy readers and middle-grade novels. Then came Define “Normal,” Keeping You a Secret, and the National Book Award finalist Luna. Her young adult novels feature the universal truths and particular challenges of gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender teens. She wrote Rage at the behest of a young friend who was entrenched in an abusive relationship, but only after many months of her friend’s persistent encouragement, and after the relationship had ended. Julie says her aim was to portray teen-dating violence where neither victim nor villain is painted in broad strokes and where redemption is authentic.
Julie has often explored the question of how much we’re willing to sacrifice for love, in its many guises and disguises. She found it painful to immerse herself in the psyche of Rage’s narrator, Johanna, who allows herself to be assaulted and controlled. And while she guesses that we all put on some blinders about the shortcomings of those we love, especially when we love in a head-over-heels way, she feels that Johanna’s sexuality probably makes her more inclined to defend the damaged girl she’s in love with—perhaps because she feels she has fewer opportunities to find love, or more to prove.
Julie’s own relationship with her partner, Sherri Leggett, poses no such trauma, as they recently celebrated their thirty-fifth anniversary. Julie and Sherri share their Colorado home with a never-ending stream of rescued homeless cats and foster kittens.
You can visit Julie Anne Peters on the Web at www.julieannepeters.com.
THIS IS A BORZOI BOOK PUBLISHED BY ALFRED A. KNOPF, INC.
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.
Copyright © 2009 by Julie Anne Peters
All rights reserved.
Published in the United States of America by Alfred A. Knopf, a division of Random House, Inc., New York.
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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Peters, Julie Anne.
Rage: a love story / Julie Anne Peters. — 1st ed.
p. cm.
Summary: At the end of high school, Johanna finally begins dating the girl she has loved from afar, but Reeve is as much trouble as she claims to be as she and her twin brother damage Johanna’s self-esteem, friendships, and already precarious relationship with her sister.
eISBN: 978-0-375-89358-2
[1. Family problems—Fiction. 2. Lesbians—Fiction. 3. Homosexuality—Fiction. 4. Sisters—Fiction.
5. Dating violence—Fiction. 6. Child abuse—Fiction. 7. Orphans—Fiction.] I. Title.
PZ7.P44158Rag 2009
[Fic]—dc22
2008033500
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