by S. Moose
She doesn’t have that much time before she has to leave for work so I head downstairs and get a yogurt with granola ready for her. Popping a K cup in the Keurig I grab a travel mug and get her coffee ready.
Is this what a real relationship feels like? With the other women I never dreamed of doing this or helping them in the morning. It never occurred to me to be a caring and sweet boyfriend. Material objects were more important than simple gestures.
“You made me breakfast?” I turn around to see a happy girl with her work uniform on, holding a MacBook, and her oversized purse.
“I did, sweet girl.” I walk over to her, placing a kiss on her lips and tasting that sweet peach on her lips. “New gloss?” She nods. “I like it.”
“Glad you do.”
I grab some things out of her hands and help her to her car. Standing beside her driver’s side door I place my hands on her hips and kiss the tip of her nose. “Have a great day at work.”
“Thank you,” she breathlessly says. “I love you.”
“I love you too.”
Watching her leave, the biggest smile is on my face. I haven’t smiled like this in so many years, and in a matter of weeks, this girl is giving me every reason to.
Everything makes sense when I’m around her. We fit together. We make sense. You don’t question what feels right.
It just is.
Chapter 34
Charlotte
When I get to work, Aubree’s standing in the office with a box on my desk. She’s staring at it and I’m wondering what’s going on.
“Morning.”
“Hey,” she says. “Who’s Shawn?”
My heart stops and my breathing quickens. Why is she asking for Shawn? Is that box from Shawn? I have to sit down and breathe or else I’m going to pass out. Slowly opening the box, Aubree watches me and doesn’t say anything. Putting the box on the floor in front of me I see an envelope and pick it up. Sliding my finger across to open the letter I pull it out to see Shawn’s words.
Charlotte,
It’s been a while since we’ve been broken up. I think about you all the time and wonder how you’re doing. I thought giving you time would be what you need. Since you aren’t back I know there’s more to this than you told me.
Watching you leave was the hardest thing I had to do, but I did it because you asked me. You asked me to let you go and not chase you. I’m sorry, I can’t do that anymore. Please tell me what I need to do to have you back? You’re my life, Charlotte, and I’ll do anything to get you back. Please talk to me.
I’ll be in town and hope you’ll make time to talk to me. Please, hear me out, and let me in. All the way in.
I love you.
-Shawn
Putting the letter down I pull out a scrapbook I made for us during our relationship and find another box. Grabbing that box I open it to see the engagement ring he gave me.
Tears spill down my cheeks. I sob hot tears and close my eyes. The ache I never wanted to feel comes back as I try to catch my breath. Clenching my chest, I close my eyes and lean back in my chair. This isn’t happening. Please, this isn’t happening. I can’t handle Shawn right now. I don’t love him anymore. I love Troy. I want Troy. My past with Shawn comes rushing back and it’s overwhelming me.
“Charlotte!”
“No. No. It’s okay.” I shake my head and put my hand up. My eyes find the ring again and flashes of that night hit me.
“Charlotte, you saved me and brought the light back into my life. Without you, I’m nothing.” I watch Shawn get down on one knee and pull out a solitaire diamond ring. All I can see is Troy and I’m smiling from ear to ear. My dream is coming true. “Marry me, Charlotte. Make me the happiest man.”
“Yes! Yes, Troy, I’ll marry you.” As soon as the words escape my lips I don’t see Troy anymore. I see Shawn. I see the man I’ve been with for the past three years and the man who gave me everything.
“Troy? What?”
“Oh no.”
“Just breathe, Charlotte. It’s going to be okay.”
I hear Shawn’s voice in my head. I hear his plea from the words in his letter and they repeat in my head.
I try to do as she says and close my eyes. It’s going to be okay. I’m with Troy and he means the world to me. If Shawn does come to town, we talk and it’ll all be okay.
The day goes by and all I can feel is numbness. My body feels empty and guilt consumes me. I did this to Shawn. I left him and caused him so much pain. Now he’s here and wants to talk. I can’t bring myself to do this.
Maybe I don’t deserve to be happy. I mean, I ruined Shawn’s life and now I’m with Troy. Maybe this is karma coming into my life to mess it up for me. Troy’s not going to understand why Shawn’s here and wants to talk.
After work, instead of going to Troy’s I head back to Will’s and climb into bed, ignoring the world, and falling asleep. I need to be away.
“Charlotte,” I hear Troy’s voice and slowly open my eyes to see his worried expression. “What’s wrong?”
I can’t find the words to tell him what’s going on. Tears fall and a terrified look is on his face.
“Talk to me. I’m so worried about you. What’s going on? Did I hurt you?”
I don’t trust my voice. I don’t trust anything right now. Another man has given me his heart and here I am about to break it because I don’t trust myself. What makes me think I deserve a happily ever after with Troy? He’s my brother’s best friend and I’m about to ruin their friendship. I can’t ruin another life.
I’m terrified and my chest is getting tighter. I can’t do this. I can’t.
“Shawn sent me a package.” I look up and see Troy’s body straighten. “It’s not what you think. He sent me our scrapbook, a letter, and the engagement ring. He asked me to marry him and when he was down on one knee, I saw you,” I sob. “It’s always been you, Troy. But I hurt him and I’m so scared I’ll hurt you.”
“Don’t be scared. I have the same fears. Together we’ll figure it out and we’ll make it through, okay?” I don’t respond. “Do you still love him?”
“No.” I wipe my tears. “I owe him this. He’s in town and wants to talk. Will that be okay?”
“I don’t know. I mean, I guess, but the idea of you being with him pisses me off. I’m not happy about you seeing him. You need to tell me where you’re meeting him and when.”
“I’m so sorry, Troy,” I tell him, crying, and holding his hand. “I love you so much, but I just . . .”
“I love you too, baby, and we’ll figure it out whatever is going on, okay?”
Before I can say anything, Will’s throwing Troy off my bed. “What the fuck, man?”
Troy quickly gets up and gets in Will’s face. “We’re just talking. That’s it.”
“Oh, really? So professing your love is a figure of speech?” He pushes him again. Carter runs in and gets between the two. “Move, Carter.”
“Not a chance, man.” He looks at both guys before looking at me. “Is everything okay?” I pull the covers up and shake my head.
“Will, you need to calm the fuck down,” Troy yells. “We were going to tell you . . .”
“No,” he screams. “Not my fucking sister, man. You can have anyone. I fucking told you to stay away from her. I told you, bro code. We’ve been best friends since day one and you helped me take care of her and now you’re fucking my baby sister?”
His words make me wince. I can’t look at anyone right now.
“She’s more than that. I love her. I fucking love her and want to be with her.”
“No. You wouldn’t. No.”
My heart breaks listening to them. I’ve ruined their lives. Will’s never going to forgive me and Troy’s not going to want to deal with this drama.
Everything’s in slow motion. Will pushes Carter out of the way and punches Troy in the face. He goes down hard and blood comes out of his mouth as he turns to his back and Will kicks him in the side. Carter rushes up and pushes Will down
. Troy’s broken and holding his mouth and side, yet I’m sitting on my bed. I can’t move. I can’t save either of them.
“Get the fuck out of my house, Troy. The one thing I ask of you and you couldn’t even do it. Get out.” Will stares at me. “You disappoint me. I never thought my sister would betray me. It was always us, Charlotte.”
Troy slowly gets up and looks at me. His bloodied mouth is bruising and the anguish in his eyes is killing me. I should get up and hold him. I should care for him.
“I love you,” he tells me, holding his side. Even though Will and Carter are in the room, it feels like it’s just us. “Say something, please.” I can’t. “I was going to give you the world. You have to know how much I love you and how long I’ve been waiting for you. It’s just you, Charlotte. I’ll give you space, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love you, because I do. With my whole heart.”
Sobs wrack my body and I want to get up and jump in his arms. I want to wipe the blood from his lips and kiss his bruises. I want to ice the side of his body and care for him. He didn’t deserve this.
Only, I can’t move. I’m frozen on top of my bed.
He looks at me again and walks out of my room, leaving me feeling alone and scared.
Chapter 35
Charlotte
I’m staying with Aubree for the time being. Things with Will aren’t good and it’s best that I stay away. I haven’t reached out to Troy and I’m not sure how he’s doing. I have no idea what to say to him.
“Are you going to meet him?” Aubree asks.
“Yeah, I think so.” I smile at baby Blaire and blow her kisses. She giggles and it’s honestly making things better.
Last night Aubree broke down and told me that Blaire is her baby and not her God-daughter. The father isn’t in the picture and she doesn’t know how to handle it. She told me he’s in town and they haven’t seen each other since the last time they slept together. She loves him, but knows he’s not ready to be a dad. My heart breaks for her and I want to do anything I can to help her.
“You and Blaire are so loving this morning.”
“She’s so cute,” I gush and give her more kisses. “I’m scared about today.” Last night before I went to bed, Shawn’s text came in asking to meet. We’re meeting today for lunch and I’m a little nervous to see him.
“Don’t worry. Now go and stop using my baby to shield yourself.”
“Fine.”
When I get to Trata I walk in to find Shawn sitting by the hostess stand. He smiles when he sees me and gets up.
“Hey. You made it.”
“I did.” He’s wearing a casual outfit-jeans and a white polo paired with gray sneakers.
The hostess leads us to a booth and hands us menus. I can’t look at it right now. I need to talk to Shawn and get this out of the way.
“Why did you send me the letter and box?” I blurt out. Great, this is exactly how I wanted to start the conversation.
“Honestly, I want you back and seeing you feels good. Tell me what’s going on, please.”
“I do love you, Shawn, just not in that way. We turned back into friends and as much as I respect you, I can’t be with you. I appreciate you trying and coming back here. I’d like to be friends and still have you in my life.”
“I don’t get it. You and Troy?”
“Yeah, I mean things are bad right now because Will just found out. I love him, Shawn, like to the moon and back kind of love.”
“I can love you like that. Will wants us together. We spent so many years together. This isn’t something I can let go. How can you do this?”
“Because I’m not selfish. I know you love me and I’m going to hold on to our memories. I’m letting you go so you can be happy and I can have a chance to be with the man I love.”
“I came all the way here to get you back.”
“I know, but it’s not going to work out. I don’t know what else to say to let you down easy. I’m sorry. So sorry.”
“I had to try one more time, Charlotte. All I want is for you to be happy. You deserve all the happiness in the world and if someone else can do that then I commend him. Things in life might seem unfair at times, but everything happens for a reason. We meet people, and our lives change. You changed me and I hope to make someone very happy one day.”
“And you deserve that too, Shawn. I want that for you.”
“Thank you. So, I know there’s more. Talk to me.”
I tell him about Troy and the past when we were younger. I tell him about how much I love him, and how badly I hurt the two most important men in my life.
“Here’s the thing. Love is never perfect. Sometimes people aren’t right for each other in the beginning, but then they are given a second chance and the timing is better.”
“Maybe. I guess. I don’t know. What am I supposed to do about my brother?”
“Talk to him,” he reaches out and holds my hand. “Tell him how you feel and how much you love Troy.”
“It’s not that easy,” I explain. “I couldn’t save him from Will. We haven’t talked in a few days. Things suck right now.”
“Because you have to face the storm and conquer it before you can enjoy the sun.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Nothing in life is perfect. If you don’t face these obstacles now, you’ll get used to being perfect all the time,” he explains. “For every obstacle that comes your way, and for every obstacle you successfully conquer, you and Troy get stronger and can take on anything that comes your way. Remember when I used to want to talk to you?” I nod. “Communication is key to every successful relationship. Sure, sexual desire and the fire is important too, but that may die a little as life progresses. Communication and the need for that doesn’t change.”
I hear everything he’s saying and have to agree. We’ve conquered so much already and if I can’t get over this, then I don’t deserve him. I came to Rochester to reunite with my brother and get the man I love. Wallowing in my own self-pity and crying at night isn’t going to solve anything. If I don’t do something now, then I don’t deserve someone as amazing as Troy.
“Thank you for talking to me,” I tell Shawn. “I’m glad we can be friends.”
“Always here for you, love.”
Chapter 36
Troy
Sitting alone in the dark isn’t how I pictured my life at this moment. I’m not sure what time it is or what today is. Still wearing my sweatpants and tee-shirt, I fumble for my glass of whiskey and stare at the TV screen, holding my game controller, and not giving a fuck about anything or anyone.
The other night I helped Sal out at a nightclub promotional party for some B-list celebrity performing in downtown. We were security for the night and dealt with fucking assholes who couldn’t hold their liquor. Towards the end a fight broke out and some idiot thought punching me in the face would earn him points with whoever he was trying to impress. I smiled when he hit me and took him down to the ground. It felt good hitting him back and getting him down on the ground. Little fucker cried that I was holding onto his wrists too tight. I didn’t give a shit and went home to the bottle of whiskey.
I think about her and wonder what she’s doing. I miss her. I miss having her in my room, in my house, and in my life. I replay the scene in her room and how scared she was at seeing her brother attack me. I get his anger and I understand the lashing out part. I said what I needed to say and now I’m going to wait for her.
Touching my unshaven face and looking at the empty bottle of whiskey, I aimlessly play Call of Duty on my PS4. I scream at the TV and shoot the motherfuckers, earning points for my team. The creation of games is quite mesmerizing. I can sit here for hours on end, forget about the shit going on in my life, and release my anger out on strangers without actually using physical violence. It’s therapeutic.
Since the fight last week we haven’t talked and I have no idea what the fuck’s going on with her. As much as it’s killing me not to see her,
touch her, be with her . . . I need to give her space.
I know Will is also respecting her wishes and giving her space because he knows they’re supposed to stick together, just like I’m supposed to be with Charlotte. But shit happens and now I’m sitting here in the living room, with an empty bottle of whiskey, my game, and memories of sweet, beautiful, Charlotte.
The doorbell rings and I’m up out of my seat to open the door. It’s Charlotte. She’s come back to me.
When I open the door, it’s definitely not who I want to see.
“What? Here to kill me. Go ahead.”
“Stop being a pussy,” Will says and pushes me inside. He closes the door and I’m ready to fight. I’ve learned a few moves from COD.
“She’s gone,” I glare at him. “It’s your fucking fault.”
“Mine? Please enlighten me.” Will paces my living room and sits down, fumbling with the controller in his hand.
“You could have anyone. Why her?”
“Because she makes everything better. She’s my person. I love her, man. We’ve been in love with each other since she was sixteen and I never acted on it. We made a promise to each other when she turned eighteen that I would wait for her.”
“But you fucked around with other chicks.”
“No,” I tell him. “I didn’t do that until after you pushed her to be with Shawn and she listened to you because hurting you was something she could never do. She chose your happiness over her own. She’s been miserable and you allowed that to happen.”
Will doesn’t say anything and stays still.
“I respected you and her, so I walked away. She was all I could see and all I wanted. We did this. We were miserable, so that you could be happy. How fucked up, huh?” Will nods. “And now I can’t be with her because your stubborn ass won’t accept that I’m good for her. I’m your best friend, man. You know me. You know I’d never let anything happen to her and that I wouldn’t hurt her.”
“I don’t know.”
“The fuck you don’t know,” I growl. “I treat Charlotte the way she deserves to be treated. I worship her. I cherish her. I fucking love her, but you’re too fucked up in the head to see that your own God damn sister is happy or that your fucking best friend is happy.”