by Gale Borger
"And you as well, Mark. Call me Bill, will you?"
"Uh, not yet, sir."
"What the Devil are you talking about now?"
Mark stubbed his toe in the ground. He suddenly looked up into Bill's eyes and said, "I'm gong to marry your daughter, Fred."
Bill looked surprised, but not as shocked as Mark felt. He patted Mark on the shoulder. "Well now, I'll have to go home and tell the Missus." He narrowed his eyes at Mark. "Hope you have a good injury clause on your insurance plan young man."
Mark stood frozen and Bill chuckled at his own joke. He climbed into his truck and waved out the rear window. Snapping his seatbelt on, Bill sped off down the road.
Mark stood there, staring after the truck. Eventually, he turned toward the sidewalk. He noticed movement near the front of his store, and when he stepped onto the sidewalk, he was sure of it. A large man loitered by the door, acting as if he wasn't sure he wanted to go in.
Mark stepped over to the man and startled him when he asked, "May I help you?"
The big man jumped back. "I wasn't doin' nothin', I swear! I was just—"
"Oh, you must be the Santa my brother hired. Hi, I'm Mark Malone."
Renaldo straightened and smiled. "Um, why yes I am. How-dee-do. I'm Ren R-Roxy, Santa Extraordinaire." Ren bowed.
Mark chuckled and slapped Ren on the back. "Wow. We were worried you weren't going to show. Come on in, have a cup of coffee, and I'll get you oriented."
Ren couldn't believe his luck. "Sure, Mark, after you."
Ren held the door open and Mark slid past. Just as Ren thought he was in the clear, Mark said, "So Ren, who beat the heck out of you?"
Chapter 5
Ren froze, momentarily at a loss. He couldn't tell this idiot a midget beat the crap out of him and he'd come here to steal from Mark's sister or the midget from Hell would murder him in his sleep, so he said the first thing that came to mind. "Uh, I was hit by a bus."
"Oh my God, shouldn't you be in the hospital or something?"
Ren didn't know what to say. "Nah, I heal fast."
Mark shook his head. "Sheesh! No wonder you were late. Here, sit down before you fall down. Let me just call my brother so he can call your agency—"
Ren panicked. "No! I-I mean, I already did. They're good with this. I'll call them later to tell them I made it and you still want me."
Mark looked skeptical and Ren casually reached inside his coat. Mark laid a hand on the phone and Ren closed his fist around the butt of his .38 Smith.
Mark left the phone on the hook and Ren sighed in relief. "Okay, Ren, you take care of your people, but I have to call next door to the pet shop." He picked up the phone and Ren reached under his coat again. Mark got Fred's sister Buzz, and left a message that he'd be over later to pick up Henri's stuff. She assured him she'd pass the message along to Fred.
Boy that was a close one! For a minute I thought I was going to be arrested by Barney Fife for loitering, or have to shoot Good neighbor Sam here, and now Sam thinks I'm Santa. If that don't beat all! Ren, you lucky dog!
He had been asking all over town about Mindy's whereabouts, when some little old lady recognized the name Malone, and pointed out the coffee shop. With the doors locked on the shop, and not knowing what to do, Ren stood outside the coffee shop wondering if he should chance breaking in, when Mark the Moron did it all for him. Now Mark thought he was a Santa slated to start on Monday. Hah! By Monday, Ren planned to be outta here, and back with Hack. Renaldo my man, you are a lucky dog!
Ren sat at a small round table drinking the best coffee he had in his life while Mark ran around gathering Santa stuff. Mark talked while Ren signed off on various pieces of legal paperwork he never read. During their conversation, Ren pulled all the information he needed out of that dopemeister Mark Malone. He even got the scoop on the dog.
The dog; well now...the dog was the key. That God-awful farting beast had worn the necklace set inside her collar since Ren had stolen it. He bought the smelly beast the collar with the inside zippered pouch the last time Mindy dragged him through one of those big box pet stores where people took their stupid canines shopping. He planned on hooking back up with Mindy after he met with Hack. That's where the necklace was supposed to come in. He told her he had to run to New York on bank business. Since his return after the fiasco with Hack he discovered the dumb broad had ditched him! He'd been scouring the tri—county area for Mindy Malone when he stumbled across her brother. Now he knew where to find the dog, and the jewelry. Simple thing to steal it one more time.
Ren shook Mark's hand, took the Santa suit and the advance check Mark gave him, and went out the door. He plopped the Santa hat on his head and patted it. Piece of cake. Now to find that cursed canine.
Ren stopped and looked at the check again. Why should he split this with Hack? He had to get the necklace back because Hack saw it on the news and knew it wasn't in the split in the alley. He knew right away Ren had held out on him. Geez, that little sucker was mean when he got angry! How was Ren supposed to know the set was an antique and on consignment with the jewelry store?
He'd been on the trail to retrieve the necklace set when the midget from Hell and his merry men attacked him outside of town. The attack, when it came, caught Ren totally by surprise. Those thugs beat the crap out of Ren, and took all the money Ren had gotten from Hermie the Fence for his share of the heist. Then Hack had at him while he still lay on the ground. Ren shivered when he thought of the glee Hack took in brutalizing him.
Ren had been beat with a sap, kicked, and stomped on from head to toe. When Hack held the blade to his throat, Ren knew without a doubt the little man would hunt him down and kill him if he failed to turn over the jewelry.
Ren holed up at a motel across the street with a view of both the pet shop and Cool Bean to nurse his wounds and plan the recovery of the jewels.
Chapter 6
Mark dashed home to pick up Henri. He thought he would bring Henri with him to Fred's shop so she could see what an animal lover he was. Patting the cooler at his side, he marveled at his genius. Bring lunch into the pet shop and share it with Fred. That way he'd have some time to show Fred what great husband material he was.
Looking across at Henri while she sat in the passenger seat of his BMW, Mark thought he had to be in love to allow that obnoxious beast inside his car. "That you're such a good girl doesn't cut it with me, dog breath." Henri looked out the windshield. "And try not to drool on the dash, would you?"
Henri looked at him with her watery brown eyes and Mark softened a little. He rubbed her ears and she leaned toward him, knocking the gear shift into neutral. He jumped and Henri jumped. Shifting into overdrive, Mark sped toward the pet shop. Henri looked hopefully at Mark. "Shut up, Henri, and don't get too comfortable. You are not staying."
Ren watched the BMW pull up in front of Miller's Menagerie and watched as Malone carried a red cooler in one hand, while unloading his target bulldog with the other.
"Sweet. Bring the bully to Papa, Malone!"
Ren slipped out of his motel room and made his way to the rear entrance of the pet shop. He heard excited noises as the pet shop chick and Malone sat down to lunch. Slipping behind a dumpster near the window, he waited and listened.
"Thanks again for bringing in lunch, Mark. I was just about to deliver some stuff to a reptile breeder across town, but I'm sure Steve won't mind that I'm late."
Mark watched as Fred cleared up the clutter from their meal.
"I can drop it for you, if you want."
"No, that won't be—wait a minute! Speaking about dropping off, I am dying to try out my new dog wash and grooming station. Why don't you leave Henri with me, I'll give you directions to Steve's place, you drop the stuff, and by the time you come back, Henri will be a whole new woman!"
"Sounds great. What do I do?"
First, let me slip Henri's collar off. . ."
Ren blanched. The collar? Oh no! He strained to hear.
"I'll just put H
enri's collar in your cooler and you take Steve's supplies. Henri and I will be ready when you get back. Let me just pen a note to Steve."
The sounds of activity faded and Ren jumped at the chance. Quietly, he opened the back door and slipped into the shop. He followed where he thought the two were and immediately panned in on the red cooler sitting on the counter. That's it! He grabbed the cooler and hightailed it out the back door, letting it close slowly. It made a small thunk when it closed, and while Ren slithered around the dumpster, Mark popped his head around the corner to check out the sound. Seeing no one, Mark grabbed the cooler meant for Steve, the Reptile Guy, and went back out front.
Ren was so thrilled with his brilliance he practically danced down two blocks, crossed the street, tip-toed behind the store lineup, skipped down an alley, and slipped into his room across the street. He leaned against the closed door and sighed. "Sweet!"
Realizing something was amiss he cracked open an eye. His smiled faded, his knees turned to jelly and he almost wet his pants, for looking at him at eye level was Hack holding a very large knife.
"Well, do you have my necklace you sorry son-of a bitch?"
Ren began to whimper. His eyes bulged wide and he nodded. Shaking in his boots he held out the cooler. Hack drew back and said, "Come on, moron, get in the car."
"But, Hack, I got the set. I heard the chick across the street tell the guy to put it in the cooler. When they left the room, I grabbed the cooler and ran straight here."
Hack moved the curtain facing the street with his knife. "Yeah, and everyone in town knows your face, you idiot. They probably watched you the whole time and are calling the cops as we speak. Get in the car—now."
Too afraid to do anything but obey, Ren hustled out to the car. Hack gave him a good shove and Ren fell into the back seat. Hack threw the red cooler in after him.
Across the street, Mark caught the shove in his rear-view mirror. "That's odd. I didn't know Ren even knew anyone in this town." He watched as the blue Escort, driven by a very small individual, drove slowly north out of town.
Chapter 7
Mark arrived at The Snake Pit about ten minutes later. Steve Windler met him at the door. "Hey, you must be Mark, my new delivery boy! Come on in. Oh, you can drop the cooler on the counter. Make yourself at home, I'll grab the box out of your car. Mark put the cooler on the counter and looked around the room. Crates, habitats, and cages, holding more reptiles than Mark knew existed, lined the walls. Some had baby snakes and lizards, others contained singular animals. Along another wall, amphibians and tarantulas were housed.
Mark popped his head in a room off to the side and was almost bowled over by the numbers of rats, mice, worms, crickets, and other types of live "food."
Steve called from the front, and Mark arrived just as Steve pulled out the invoice. "That Fred Miller is a peach, isn't she?"
Mark nodded and mumbled something.
"What was that, Mark?"
"I said, yeah, a real peach."
Steve turned and handed Mark a check. "That ought to cover me for now." He looked around. "Where did you put the cooler?"
Mark pointed to the counter and started for the door. Steve grabbed the cooler and began to open it. "That was sure nice of Fred to pick up these frozen rats for me when she was down at the wholesaler last week. Saved me a trip to Chicag—oh no!"
Mark stopped with one hand on the door. "Something wrong?"
"You could say so, come look."
Mark walked to the counter and stared into the cooler. "Those aren't rats."
"No, those are definitely not rats. It's a dog collar and leftover Tupperware."
"That's my dog collar and leftover lunch. What the heck? I thought I grabbed Fred's cooler." Mark pulled out his cell and quick-dialed Fred.
Steve's brows raised. "Hmmmm. Already has her on speed dial in his cell phone. Interesting.
"Hello, Fred? Seems I took the wrong cooler from your shop. Uh huh. No, it was the only one sitting there. What? No, who would steal your rats? Fred, calm down, we'll find the cool—Oh no. Call you back."
Mark turned to Steve. "I don't want to raise alarm, and this might be pure coincidence, but do you have the number to your local Sheriff? I think I witnessed something, and my Santa might be in trouble."
Steve's brows beetled. "Your Santa?"
Mark shook his head. "It's a long story. I'll tell you after I call the Sheriff."
"Why call? Let's take your car and drive there. It's only about a mile back into town, and I want to hear this."
Mark called ahead anyway, and Edie the dispatcher radioed Sheriff Green to come into the office.
When they arrived, cars lined the parking lot. Mark recognized Buzz Miller standing next to a squad car talking to a cop, and the little old lady with the pink purse was currently talking to a gaggle of other little old ladies. She turned and pointed to Mark and the little old lady to her left ducked as the pink monstrosity flew over her head. She took it in stride, however, and continued her conversation as if nothing happened.
Out of the corner of his mouth Steve said, "Don't stop to talk, just keep walking and you might be able to out run them. They all have police scanners, and probably took Edie's call as something interesting to snoop into."
Like an offensive lineman on third and short, Steve plowed through the crowd to make way for Mark. The cop Buzz Miller was speaking with opened the door to the cop shop, and jumped through after Buzz, Mark, and Steve, locking the town out.
The Sheriff smiled and waved at the crowd, pointing to his watch and holding up his index finger. Just as Mark turned, he saw one of the little old ladies raise a middle finger in reply to the sheriff, and bit back a giggle. "Those old girls are really something, aren't they?"
Buzz sighed in exasperation. "Yeah, I am embarrassed to say the one with the primitive sign language abilities is my mother, so think seriously before you commit to becoming one of the family."
The sheriff looked startled, and eyed Mark. He held out a hand and the cop clasped it warmly. "Mark Malone. Nice to make your acquaintance."
"Hi, I'm Sheriff James Green. Everyone calls me J.J." He stood over Mark and narrowed his eyes. In a very close imitation of John Wayne, he drawled, "I consider myself a part of that crazy family, Pilgrim, and I'd very interested to know which Miller sister you have your sights set on."
Mark began to sweat. He didn't know if J.J. was kidding around, or about to kill him. "Fred, sir. I have my sights set on Fred Miller. I'm going to marry her." He looked at Buzz and swallowed hard.
Sheriff Green lifted his ball cap and ran a hand through his hair. "I consider Freddie a little sister, Mr. Mark Malone, and I sure hope your motives are pure."
At that, Buzz burst out laughing, and slapped J.J. on the arm. "Pure? J.J. you turkey butt! Leave the poor man alone, he's already talked to Dad, and I checked him out. He's better than swell."
"You touched him?"
She nodded. "Shook his hand."
"Okay then, but how could he have spoken to Bill already?" He turned to Mark. "How long have you known Fred?"
Mark consulted his watch. "Oh, about nine-and-a half hours now."
J.J. looked incredulously from Mark to Buzz. "Nine-and-a half—what is going on here, Buzz?"
Buzz put her nose in the air. "Mark, it seems caught Fred on a good day, and now he is here to make a police report. Do you think you can put away Big Brother to see what he has to say? You can defend Fred's virtue later if you feel so compelled."
J.J. turned a nice shade of tomato red, Steve and Buzz laughed, Mark looked like he wanted to bolt. J.J. picked up his digital recorder, turned it on, grabbed a legal pad and pulled a pen out of his shirt pocket. He settled in and took Mark's report.
When he finished, J.J. quietly got up from his chair and walked to the police radio on a stand by the door. He radioed someone named Larry and told him to take the north road out of town, looking for a blue Escort, driven by a white male, about four feet tall.
"The punch line is going to be my foot up you-know-where if you are not on the north road in five minutes, Deputy."
"Squad 232, 10-4 Sheriff Green."
Mark grabbed his cell phone and called Fred. J.J. sat in stunned silence while Mark spoke like he'd known her for years. He leaned over to Buzz. "Is this guy for real?"
Buzz nodded. "I guess so; he told Dad he planned to marry Fred."
"Does Fred know?"
"Don't know, but if not, she will soon enough."
J.J. stared at the back of Buzz's head. He mumbled to himself. "I've known Buzz for like forever, and haven't gotten as far as Malone did in less than twelve hours! What is up with that?"
Buzz turned to J.J. and said, "What is up with what?"
J.J. looked at Mark. He jerked his head toward Buzz and said, "Oh, nothing. Life's is sometimes not fair."
Buzz looked puzzled. Mark hung up the phone and J.J. said facetiously, "Ready, Casanova?"
Mark warily at J.J. "I guess. What now?"
J.J. and Buzz said simultaneously, "Coffee."
Mark smiled. "Now that, my new family and friends, I can do."
Buzz laughed and slapped J.J. on the arm. J.J. stared at Mark and absently grabbed a portable radio. Steve smiled serenely and followed them out the door. They parked behind Cool Bean and piled in the back door. Chris was just finishing up. Mark stopped dead and stared.
"Chris, are you still here?"
Chris stuck his thumbs in his front pockets and stared at the floor, lifted one shoulder. Mark patted him on the back.
"Chris, this is beautiful. You changed the front display and now it looks like it will draw people in, rather than stop them inside the door. He placed a hand on Chris' shoulder. "You've just been promoted again. I can't believe you finished in here. I expected to be at least another day or so."