by Sara Gethin
‘Piss,’ the big boy says. He’s holding his nose too.
She’s laughing now. ‘Look, look!’ She’s pointing to my feet. She’s still laughing. ‘He ain’t got no shoes.’
‘I forgot to put them on,’ I say. ‘Have you seen Mammy?’ My eyes are getting prickly. ‘I want to see Mammy.’ I have to find her. I want the children to tell me where she is. I want Wes to tell me where she is. ‘Where is she?’ I say to Wes. ‘Where’s she gone?’ I’m holding his arm. I’m trying to make him tell me.
‘Urgh.’ Wes is scratching my hand away. He’s shaking his arm. He’s shouting, ‘He touched me, he touched me.’ He’s falling onto the ground and he’s rolling and rolling. ‘I’m going to die. He touched my arm and I’m going to die.’ All the children are laughing. The big boy and his friends are laughing. The big girls are laughing too.
‘Where’s my mammy?’ I say. Wes is still rolling and rolling on the ground. The other children are all round us. My eyes are prickly. My nose is prickly too. ‘Please, Wes.’
He’s sitting up and he’s pointing to me. ‘He’s crying. Look at him. He’s crying.’
‘Where’s she gone, Wes?’ My voice is wobbly like my legs. ‘I want to see Mammy.’
The other girls have come down from the climbing frame now. Wes is laughing. His mouth is open. His teeth look very sharp. ‘He really believed me. He really thinks she’s here. He smells and he’s thick. Thicko!’ He’s shouting it and pointing to me.
The other girls are coming over now. They’re all standing round me too. They’re looking and looking at me.
‘Thicko! Thicko!’ Wes is still shouting it.
‘Shut up, Wesley,’ someone says. It’s one of the big girls. It’s the one I saw in school. She’s the girl that collected Wes. After the Christmas concert. She’s looking at him. Her face is very cross. ‘If anyone’s thick, it’s you. Leave the kid alone and pick on someone your own size for a change.’
‘Yeah, Rockie,’ a big boy says. ‘Sort out your little brother.’ Everyone’s laughing.
The girl called Rockie isn’t laughing. ‘I wish he wasn’t my brother,’ she says. ‘Horrible kid.’
Wes is getting up. He’s sticking out his tongue. He’s showing it to Rockie. ‘You’re the thick one.’
‘No, you’re thick actually,’ she says. ‘You’re the one who’s nearly eight and can’t read. You’re the one who’s still in Year Two when you should have moved up to Year Three ages ago.’
I’m looking at Rockie. ‘Where’s Mammy?’ I say. ‘Wes said she’s here.’
‘She’s not,’ Rockie says. ‘He was lying to you. He’s a liar and a bully. Keep away from him.’
Wes is looking at Rockie. His face is very nasty. ‘And you’re a slag. Uncle Vic says everyone knows you’re a slag.’
Rockie’s face looks very cross. ‘Shut up!’ She’s running at Wes. He’s putting his arms out. He’s trying to stop her but she’s pushing him. She’s pushing him hard. She’s pushing him very hard. She’s knocked him over. ‘Shut up…shut up.’ She’s hitting him on the floor. She’s hitting and hitting him. ‘I hate you,’ she says. ‘I HATE YOU.’
Wes is trying to roll away. He’s trying to get away from her. He’s trying to knock her hands away. But Rockie is hitting and hitting him again. All the boys are laughing. ‘Go for it, Rockie,’ one of them says.
I’m turning away from Rockie. I’m turning away from Wes. I’m looking round the park. I’m looking very hard. Rockie’s right. Mammy’s not here. I know I must go home. Mammy might be there. She won’t know where I am. And I’m not allowed to go outside when Mammy isn’t home.
I’m running. I’m running out of the park. The stones are hurting my feet. I’m running away from the big boys and I’m running away from the big girls and I’m running away from Wes. I’m running home. I’m running home to Mammy.
I’m running round the corner. And I can see our gate that doesn’t close and I can see a car. But it’s a long way away and it’s outside our house and Mammy might be in it. But it’s not a blue car like Brick’s car because it’s a silver car and there’s a lady standing by it. But it isn’t a lady with yellow hair because it’s a lady with brown hair and she’s looking at our house and I can see the side of her face but she’s a long way away.
And I’m running as fast as I can and I’m running and running on my wobbly legs and I don’t mind the stones hurting my feet because I’m running to our house and I’m running to the lady and I am running and running and running.
And I’m trying to shout. ‘Hello!’ I’m trying to shout. ‘Hello! Hello!’ But there’s not enough breath in me and my voice can’t make a shout.
And the lady’s going to the silver car and she hasn’t seen me and she cannot hear my shouts because they’re too quiet and she’s getting into her car and I am running and running and I don’t mind the stones and I don’t mind them hurting my feet and I am very fast because I am the fastest runner in the world.
But she’s started the car and I can’t get to her. I can’t get to her and I can’t stop her. And I can’t ask her where Mammy is. I’m not fast enough. I’m not fast enough. She’s driving off. She’s driving away from me. My legs are not fast enough. They’re not fast enough to catch her. They can’t catch the lady in the car. The lady with brown hair.
Miss.
* * *
It’s very dark. I’ve been waiting by the window a long time. A long long time. Cars have gone down the road and up the road. But I haven’t seen Brick’s car. I’m waiting and waiting for Brick’s car. The light has come on across the road. And the lights have come on in some houses. I can’t see a light in Kaylee’s house. I haven’t seen a light in Kaylee’s house for a long long time. I wish I could put our lights on. I wish I could but the lectric has run out. It ran out a long time ago.
There’s someone on next door’s path. I can see a tiny bit of them in the dark. A tiny bit that has yellow hair. I can see them going into the house next door. The house that is joined on to our house. The yellow hair was like Mammy’s hair. It might be Mammy. She might be next door.
I’m running out of the front door and I’m running down our path and I’m running out of our gate and I’m running along the pavement and I’m running up next door’s path. I am very fast. There’s a light in the window next to the front door. I’m looking through the window. I can see a chair and a telly but I can’t see Mammy. I’m running to the door. It’s white like our front door. It’s plastic. I’m knocking the door with my hands. I’m knocking and knocking. And knocking and knocking. My knocking is very loud. I’m calling too. I’m calling Mammy. I’m calling and calling.
No one is opening the door.
I’m running to the window again. But I can’t see in. The curtains are closed now. They’re closed tight. I’m knocking on the window. I’m knocking and knocking. I’m shouting too. I’m shouting for Mammy. I’m running round the side of the house. I’m going to knock on the back door. It might be open. Mammy forgets to lock the back door sometimes. I’m running round the corner. It’s very dark. There’s a big gate made of wood. It won’t open. I’m pushing and pushing it. It’s stuck tight. I can’t see through it and I can’t open it. I’m knocking and knocking.
I’m shouting, ‘Mammy, Mammy.’ A big drop of rain has splashed on my head. And another one. And another one. ‘Mammy, I need you to come home.’ I’m making my voice very loud. I’m scratching the inside of my neck. I’m scratching it with the words. ‘Mammy, Mammy! Why aren’t you coming home? Please come home. Please come home now.’ The gate isn’t opening. Mammy isn’t coming out. I’m running back to the window. I’m knocking on it. The drops of rain are jumping off it. ‘Please, Mammy. Open the door. I want you to come home. I don’t want to be on my own anymore.’
The curtains are still closed. I’m listening. I can hear some music. It’s the music of a programme Mammy likes. It’s EastEnders. I’m knocking again. I’m knocking very hard. ‘Please, Mammy. I�
�m scared on my own. Please come home.’ I can still hear the music but it’s very loud now. I’m trying to make my shouting bigger. I’m trying to make it bigger than the music. But the music is too loud.
I am going to the front door again. I’m sitting down on the step. It’s very wet. And very dark. I’m waiting for Mammy to come out. I’m waiting and waiting for Mammy to come out.
And waiting.
And waiting.
* * *
I’m inside my box. The box I was a present in. With green shiny paper that is all ripped. I can see Mammy. She’s on the settee. I want to go to her but I can’t move. I can’t move because I’m a present and I’m stuck in the box. I want her to see me. I want her to see I’m stuck. But she isn’t looking at me. And I’m calling and calling her but she isn’t looking. There’s water too. It’s running and running down my face. It’s filling up the box and I can’t get out of it. I can’t get away from the water. And Mammy isn’t helping me. My face is very wet. My clothes are wet too. And the box is filling up with water.
Someone is tapping me with their foot. I’m waking up. I’m waking up fast. Someone has opened the door. Someone is looking down at me. ‘Hey,’ the someone says. It’s a man. He’s tapping me with his foot again. ‘Get off my step.’ He has yellow hair but it’s not long like Mammy’s hair. ‘Get away home,’ he says.
I’m getting up. ‘I’m looking for Mammy.’ I’m wiping the rain off my face. ‘Is she in your house? I want her to come home.’
‘She’s not here. I don’t know your mother. Go home.’ He’s going to close the door.
I am grabbing it. I’m trying to stop him closing it. I’m trying to stop him with my fingers. ‘Please,’ I say. ‘I saw her coming here. Can you tell her to come home?’
The man is looking at me. He’s looking through the gap in the door. He’s looking at my feet and my toes. ‘Who are you?’ he says. He sounds very cross.
‘Tomos,’ I say. ‘I live there.’ I’m pointing to our house a bit. And I’m grabbing the door again quick quick.
‘You’re the kid who makes all the noise,’ he says. ‘All the shouting and banging. Damn kids. Wherever I go I can’t get no peace.’ He looks very very cross. He’s pushing the door again. ‘Move your hands, or your fingers’ll get jammed.’
‘Please.’ I can feel the door squeezing on my fingers. ‘Please.’
‘Move.’
I’m pulling my fingers away. He’s closing the door. He’s closing it tight. ‘Go away.’ He’s shouting it through the door. ‘Go home. Get off my property.’
I’m going down the path. I’m going slowly. I don’t think Mammy is in there after all. I don’t think I saw her from the window. I think it might have been the man next door. I think it was his yellow hair I saw. I’m going through the man’s gate.
There’s a van across the road. A white van full of ladies. The lady across the road is getting out of it. She’s putting up her umbrella. I’m waving to her. I am waving fast fast. She might have seen Mammy. She might have seen her when she was out in the van with the other ladies. They might all have seen Mammy. I’m waving and waving and the van is driving off.
‘Hello!’ I say. ‘Hello!’ I’m waving and waving.
She’s not waving back. I think she can’t see me because of the dark. She’s looking in her bag now. She’s getting something out of it. It’s her key. I can see a light twinkling on it. She’s going up her path. She’s going to go into her house. And I want to ask her about Mammy. I’m running to her. I’m running to see the lady across the road. I’m running fast fast fast.
There’s a big noise. A screechy noise and a bump and a clattery noise. Something is knocking me. It’s a man. A man on a bike. He’s falling over. He’s falling onto the road. He’s nearly making me fall over too. I am jumping out of his way. I’m jumping over the bike. It’s on the road. It’s fallen over like the man.
‘What are you doing?’ the man says. He’s getting up. He’s rubbing his arm. He’s rubbing his knees. ‘Making me swerve like that. I nearly hit you.’ His voice is very loud. ‘You ran out in front of me without even looking.’
The lady across the road is turning round. I can see her through the rain. Her eyes are very big. They are looking at my eyes. ‘I’m going to see the lady,’ I say. ‘That lady across the road.’ I’m waving to her again. She’s still not waving back. I can see her opening her door. I’m running across the rest of the road. I’m running through the puddles. I don’t want the lady to go inside her house.
‘Well, look where you’re going.’ The man is shouting it to me. ‘You shouldn’t be out on your own in the dark. I could have killed you.’ I’m looking back at him. He’s shaking his head. ‘I could have been killed myself.’ He’s picking up his bike. He’s kicking the bike’s wheels. He’s making them go round and round.
The lady isn’t outside her house anymore. I’m running up her path. Her door has a doorbell like Nanno and Dat’s. I am trying and trying to make my fingers reach it. I am making myself very tall. But my fingers can’t reach it. And I can see the man going away on his bike.
I am banging and banging on the door. ‘Please,’ I’m shouting. ‘Please, have you seen my mammy? She’s been gone a very long time and I don’t know where she is. Did you see her when you were out in the van? Can you tell her to come home?’ I am knocking and knocking on her door. ‘Please, please!’ She’s not opening the door. She’s not telling me if she saw Mammy. I am knocking and knocking. ‘Please,’ I’m shouting. ‘Please.’
She’s not opening the door. She’s very quiet inside her house.
‘Please! Please tell me where Mammy is.’
There’s a big flash and a cracking noise. It’s raining and raining and raining. The rain is running down my hair. And off my nose and off my chin. There’s a very very big rumbly noise. It’s all round me. I think the lady’s house will fall down. I think the whole road will fall down.
I’m running. I’m running down the lady’s path. I’m running back across the road. I’m running through the puddles and my toes are finding little stones. They’re getting stuck in between them but I’m not stopping. I’m not stopping to get the stones out. I’m running fast fast. I’m running up our path. There’s another big flash. It’s making everything light light light. I can see into our hall. The floor is all wet and shiny. I forgot to close the door when I ran out to find Mammy. I’m running inside. I’m running fast. And I’m slip slip slipping on the shiny floor. But I’m not falling down. I’m shutting the door. I’m shutting it tight. I’m shutting out the big big rumbly noise. I’m running behind the big black chair. I am curling up small. Small small small. And I am hiding.
* * *
It’s very dark. The rumbly noise has gone away. It took a long time to go. I’ve been hiding behind the big black chair for a long long time.
It’s quiet now. I’m coming out on my knees and on my hands. I don’t like the dark. I want to make it go away. I’m climbing up onto the big chair. I’m click clicking the switch. The light isn’t coming on. The switch has stopped working.
I don’t like it when the switches stop working. I want to tell Mammy. I want to tell her she needs to put more money on the lectric key. And she needs to buy more food. ‘Mammy,’ I say. I’m shouting it. ‘Mammy, where are you? Where are you?’ I’m shaking. I’m very cold. My clothes are wet because of the rain. My hair’s wet too. And my tummy is very rumbly.
‘I know,’ I say. ‘I know how to make the lights work again.’ I’m running to the settee and I’m pushing my hand down the side. My fingers are looking and looking for the lectric key. They’ve found it. They’re pulling it out quick quick.
I’m running up the stairs. I’m running to get my fifty pence. I’m banging it and banging it on the key. ‘See, Mammy,’ I say. ‘I can put money on the lectric key myself. I can make the lights work again.’ I’m banging and banging my fifty pence on the key and I’m running down the stairs and I’m climbing on the bi
g black chair and I’m click clicking the light switch. Clickclick clickclick. But I can’t make the light switch work. The light’s not coming on.
I’m remembering now. I’m remembering Mammy putting the key in the box in the hall. The box that makes the lights work again. I’m going into the hall. The box is very high up. I’m looking for something to make me big and tall. I’m looking in the front room. My box might make me tall. The box I was a present in. But it’s a bit squashed. Mammy squashed it because she put her legs on it. I don’t want to make it more squashed. I’m looking for something else. The big black chair will make me tall. I’m pushing it. I’m pushing and pushing it. I’m trying to make it go into the hall. I’m making myself very strong. Very very strong. But it’s only moving a tiny bit. A tiny tiny bit. I can’t make it go into the hall.
I’m looking for something else. I’m looking in the kitchen. I’ve found the washing up bowl. The one that is like the step-up stool at Nanno’s and Dat’s. I’m taking it into the hall and I’m standing on it. I’m stretching and stretching. I’m making my toes and my legs and my arm and my fingers very very long. But I can’t put the lectric key in the box. The box is a long long way away.
I’m getting down off the bowl. I’m putting the lectric key back down the side of the settee. And my tummy is still very very rumbly.
I know how to make my tummy better. I’m getting the big bag of crisps. I’m finding it in the dark. I’m getting a pink packet out of it. A packet I was keeping for Mammy. I’m opening it. I’m squashing the crisps into my mouth. I’m squashing and squashing them. My mouth is full of crisps. I’m crunching and crunching them.
‘I’m eating your crisps, Mammy.’ Bits of crisps are falling out. They’re falling out of my mouth. ‘I’m going to eat all your crisps,’ I’m shouting. ‘All the pink packets. I was keeping them for you. Until you came home. But I’m eating them now. See?’ I’m opening my mouth. I’m showing Mammy the crisps in my mouth. ‘I’m eating them all.’