by Sara Gethin
And then the baby Miss is going to have makes her cry again.
* * *
We are at Plan C. It’s the police station.
‘Well, well,’ the policeman says. ‘Lowri.’ He has seen us coming through the door. He’s smiling at Miss. It’s a very big smile. He’s holding out his arms. He’s hugging Miss. ‘Good to see you.’ He’s still hugging her. ‘I didn’t know you were back. How are you?’ He’s letting her go. ‘I hope everything’s okay.’ He’s looking at her face. ‘We mostly expect trouble in this place.’
‘Oh, I’m fine, Phil,’ Miss says. She’s smiling a bit. ‘I’m all right, really.’ She’s putting her arm round me. I’m holding onto her leg. ‘I’ve been meaning to ring Beth ever since we moved back. It’s just been so hectic.’
‘So you’re living round here again then,’ the policeman who is Phil says. ‘And Colin?’
‘Oh yes. Colin too. We’re living in his mother’s house for the time being. She’s been in a care home for months. She’s really poorly, needs round the clock care now. That last stroke she had…’
‘Yes, I heard,’ Phil says. ‘It’s such a shame.’ He’s shaking his head. ‘Remember her English classes? God, if we hadn’t done the homework…’
‘She was terrifying. When Col and I started dating, it took me months to pluck up the courage to go home with him.’ Miss and Phil are laughing. ‘Colin couldn’t understand why.’
‘Well, he always was her golden boy. I don’t suppose she ever yelled at him the way she yelled at us.’
‘No, I don’t think he saw her quite the same way we did. She’s very frail now and with her being so ill it made sense to come home,’ Miss says. ‘Colin’s still looking for work, but I managed to get a supply post straight away, thankfully.’ I am holding tight to Miss’s leg. ‘Is Beth still teaching?’ she says.
Phil’s nodding. ‘Just gone back after maternity leave.’ He’s smiling at me now. ‘You’ve been busy in that department too, I see.’
‘Oh, no,’ Miss says. ‘He’s not mine. In fact, I need to explain…’
I am smiling up at the policeman. He’s smiling down at me. ‘What have you got there?’ I’m showing him my truck. I’m holding it up for him to see. ‘Nice,’ he says.
‘How is Thomas?’ I say.
He’s bending his knees. His face is near my face. ‘What’s that, little fella?’
‘How’s your son called Thomas?’
He’s looking at me. One of his eyebrows is up high. ‘Have we met before?’
‘Yes. And you asked me my name and I said “Tomos” and you said “My son’s called Thomas” and I said “Is he a Tomos or a Thomas?” and you said “Thomas like the tank engine” and I said “I’m a Tomos not a Thomas but I like Thomas the Tank Engine” and I still do.’ I’m taking a big breath.
‘Wow.’ The policeman’s smiling at me. ‘That was a long sentence.’
Miss says, ‘He’s overtired.’ She’s smoothing my hair. ‘Should have gone to bed hours ago.’
‘Well, tired or not, he’s got a good memory.’ He’s looking at me again. ‘Where did I talk to you?’
‘In our house,’ I say. ‘You came round because Mammy was shouting at the lady next door.’
‘Okay,’ he says. The policeman is still smiling. He’s looking at Miss now.
‘Bow Street,’ she says. ‘Rhiannon Morris. Her boyfriend’s Nick Brickland.’
The policeman’s nodding again. ‘Right.’ He’s rubbing the top of my head. ‘Nick Brickland. I know that name.’ He’s looking at Miss and he’s making his eyebrows go high. ‘What’s the story this time?’
* * *
Miss has been telling Phil about our day. And she’s been telling him about the hospital. ‘It was pathetic, I know, Phil. I should have just explained things properly.’ She’s shaking her head. ‘I shouldn’t have lied about who we were. I shouldn’t have rushed off with him.’
Phil is very friendly. He’s hugged Miss a lot. ‘Well, you caused quite a panic when you ran away. The hospital phoned about an hour ago. Two of my colleagues are over there now.’
‘Oh, I’m so sorry, Phil.’ Miss is shaking her head. ‘It was a stupid thing to do. Stupid.’
‘Don’t worry,’ Phil says. He’s rubbing Miss’s arm. ‘I thought you might be the ones we were looking for when you walked in.’ He’s nodding at me. ‘The school uniform gave it away. I’ll text the officers over there, tell them you and Tomos are here.’ He’s tap tapping on his phone. ‘You’re both safe, that’s the main thing.’
‘You know,’ Miss says. She’s still shaking her head. Her voice is very quiet. I’m trying hard to hear her. ‘I went a little crazy for a while. I actually thought I could keep him, just until Rhiannon sorted herself out. I thought I could sneak him into my house and everything would be fine.’ She’s wiping her eyes now. ‘It’s the hormones, I suppose. It’s being pregnant.’ Phil is smiling at Miss. He’s smiling a bit and he’s rubbing her arm. ‘Colin made me see I was being irrational. I just couldn’t see it for myself.’ She’s crying some more. Phil is rubbing her arm again. ‘I’m so glad you’re on duty tonight, Phil. I’ve been such a fool.’
‘It’ll all turn out fine, Lowri,’ he says. ‘Don’t worry.’
He has stopped rubbing her arm. He’s looking down at me. ‘Okay, big fella, let’s see what we can do for you.’ He’s looking at Miss now. ‘Give me all the details then, Low. And I’ll give social services a ring.’
* * *
We are waiting for the lady who is going to help me. We’re waiting on blue chairs. They’re stuck to the floor. We’ve been waiting a long time. I’ve parked my truck on the seat next to me. And I am very sleepy. My head is falling down. Miss is putting her arm round my shoulders. It feels nice. I’m putting my head against Miss. She feels soft. She smells like Nanno’s soap. The pink one. And we are waiting and waiting.
‘Tomos,’ Miss says. She’s being very quiet. ‘Tomos, there’s something I want to ask you.’ I am moving my head a little bit. I’m looking up at her. I can see underneath her chin. ‘I want to ask you about Dat. And I want you to think really hard before you answer me.’
My head is not so heavy now. I’m lifting it up. ‘What about Dat?’
Miss is biting her lip. ‘I shouldn’t ask really.’ She’s talking very quietly. She’s looking round. I am looking round too but there’s no one to look at. She’s taking her arm away from my shoulders. She’s turning in her chair. She’s holding my hand and she’s looking at me. ‘Tomos.’ Her eyes are very big. ‘Did Dat ever hurt you?’
I am shaking my head. I am shaking it a lot.
‘No, Tomos, don’t answer yet.’ She’s squeezing my hand. The one that hasn’t got a black finger. ‘I want you to think really hard.’ She’s still looking at me. Her eyes are blue. And there are purple splodges under them.
I am thinking. I am thinking really hard. I’m thinking about Dat. About me and Dat walking to school. We used to chat all the way there and all the way back. Nanno used to call us chatterboxes. I’m thinking about us making train tracks and about us playing with our trains. I used to move them round and Dat used to make the sound effects. I’m thinking about us reading stories. I’m thinking about us reading our train magazines. I can feel the sad. It’s a big lump in my tummy. ‘I miss Dat,’ I say.
‘I know you do. That’s why I want you to think hard.’
I’m thinking hard. I remember Mammy hurting me sometimes. When she was cross. I remember Brick hurting me. But I don’t want to think about Brick. I remember the man hurting me. The man with the web tattoo. He threw me on the carpet. He hurt my side. And he hurt Mammy too. I don’t want to think about the man. I don’t want to think about him hurting Mammy. I am thinking about Dat again. ‘I can’t remember.’
Miss says, ‘You can’t remember if Dat hurt you?’
‘No,’ I say. ‘I can’t remember when Dat hurt me.’ Miss is still holding my hand. She’s holding it very tight. I say,
‘Mammy said Dat hit me. I heard her telling the lady with the big bag.’
‘Did he hit you?’ Her voice is very quiet. ‘I want you to think hard.’
‘I don’t remember him hitting me.’
‘Did he hurt you at all?’ Miss says. ‘Did he hurt you in any way?’
I’m shaking my head. ‘No, Dat wouldn’t hurt me. I’m his best mate.’
Miss is letting out a big breath. She’s putting her head back against the wall. She’s putting her arm round my shoulders. I’m putting my head on her again. We’re waiting for the lady who’s going to help me. We’re waiting on the blue chairs. And we are waiting a long long time.
* * *
The big doors are opening. They are making a scrapey noise. My head has jumped up. I’m looking for the lady who is going to help me. Miss is looking for her too.
It’s not a lady. It’s the policeman who is Thomas’s daddy. ‘My colleagues are back.’ He’s stopping in front of our chairs. ‘They’ll need to talk to you, but it’s a bit late tonight. Can you come in tomorrow?’ Miss is nodding. I am nodding too. We’re looking up at him. ‘But there’s no need to worry, Low. I’ve explained everything. It’ll be okay.’
Miss is smiling a bit. ‘Thank you, Phil.’
‘And there’s some good news,’ Thomas’s daddy says. ‘The hospital said Tomos’s X-rays were fine. Nothing broken.’
Miss is letting out a big breath. ‘Thanks, Phil.’ Her smile is bigger now. It’s very wobbly. She’s holding out her hands to him. He’s squeezing her fingers.
‘I’ll be going off duty in a minute,’ he says. He’s letting go of her hands. ‘It’s been really good to see you again, even if…’ He’s looking at me. ‘Even if it’s not the way…’
‘I know,’ Miss says. ‘Give my love to Beth. Tell her I’ll ring soon. And congratulations on the new baby.’
He’s smiling. ‘Thanks. And the same to you.’ He’s pointing to Miss’s tummy. Miss is smiling too. He’s looking at his watch. ‘Social services shouldn’t be too long now, Low. But you never know with them.’ He’s smiling a bit. ‘Try not to worry. Things will work out in the end.’ He’s smiling at me now. ‘Bye, Tomos.’
‘Bye, Thomas’s daddy,’ I say. He’s waving.
‘Bye, Phil,’ Miss says. He’s going through the doors. They’re making a scrapey noise again.
‘I like Thomas’s daddy,’ I say. I’m putting my hand into my pocket. I’m getting the bits of my sparkly label out and I’m putting them on Miss’s leg. I’m trying to make the bits fit again. ‘Has your baby got a daddy?’ I’m putting the Ma bit next to the mmy bit. ‘The baby you’re going to have.’
‘Yes,’ Miss says. Miss is helping me put the e bit after the Lov bit. ‘Colin is my baby’s daddy.’
‘I haven’t got a daddy,’ I say. ‘Wes says everyone’s got a daddy, like in his Uncle Vic’s DVDs. But I know I haven’t got a daddy. Mammy said.’
Miss is squeezing my shoulder. I like having her arm round me. All the bits of label are nearly right now. It nearly looks all mended. She says, ‘Wes has become your sort of friend, hasn’t he?’
I’m remembering the park. I don’t like remembering about the park. ‘I don’t think Wes is my friend,’ I say. ‘I don’t think he is anymore.’
Miss is still squeezing my shoulder. ‘You don’t have to listen to everything Wes says.’
‘I know. He’s wrong sometimes. He told me Mrs Pugh Year Two wouldn’t be cross if we played hide and seek when we were waiting for the bus. But she was. She was very, very cross.’ I’m turning round the last bit of label. It’s all in the right places now. ‘To Mammy, Love from Tomos,’ I say. I’m pointing at it on Miss’s leg. ‘And Wes told me Nanno can’t write letters from Heaven, but she can.’ Miss is squeezing my shoulder tight. I’m picking up my bits of label. I’m putting them in my pocket again. I’m very sleepy. I’m putting my head back against Miss. I can hear her breaths. I can hear them inside her.
‘And he told me I had a daddy,’ I say. ‘And he’s wrong about that too.’
* * *
We are still waiting on the blue chairs. I’m curling up next to Miss. Miss is looking at her phone. We’re still waiting for Mammy to ring it. I’m holding my truck. I’m making the tippy bit tip up. I’m making it go back down again. ‘I wish I had Cwtchy.’ I’m saying it quietly.
‘What was that, Tomos?’
‘I wish I had Cwtchy. I want to put him in my truck.’ I’m showing Miss the tippy bit. ‘In here.’
‘I’m so sorry, Tomos. Did we leave him behind with the wheels? Was he on your bed too? I was in such a rush to get you away from there…’
I am shaking my head. ‘He wasn’t on my bed. He’s at Nanno and Dat’s house. He got lost there.’
‘Oh, that’s a shame.’
I’m remembering playing with Cwtchy at Nanno and Dat’s. Cwtchy and me liked playing hide and seek. Sometimes he got lost but Nanno was good at finding him. I’m remembering something else. ‘It was when Nanno was ill. That’s when I lost him. Nanno was ill in hospital.’ I am remembering Nanno going to hospital. I don’t like remembering that. Nanno went to hospital and I went to live with Mammy. And I wasn’t allowed to see Dat anymore and I lost Cwtchy. I say, ‘I miss Cwtchy. I miss him a lot.’ I’m thinking about Nanno too. And Dat. And I’m missing and missing them. Miss is putting her head on top of my head. She’s kissing my hair. I’m remembering something else now. I’m remembering the girls in the park. I’m remembering the sound they made when they put their heads near me. ‘Am I smelly?’ I say.
Miss is lifting her head. She’s looking at me. ‘Oh Tomos.’ She’s pulling me onto her lap. She’s putting her arms right round me. She’s putting her face in my hair and she’s taking a big breath. She’s breathing in and in and in. I’m waiting for her to say ‘Urgh,’ like the girls in the park. And like the big boys and like Wes. But I don’t think she’s going to say ‘Urgh.’ I don’t think she’s going to say that at all. ‘You smell of shampoo,’ Miss says. She’s giving me a squeeze. ‘You smell wonderful.’
* * *
I am lovely and warm. I am in the lovely warm bath in Miss’s house. There are bubbles everywhere. They are on my head and on my arms and right up under my chin. And Miss is stopping the bubbles from going in my eyes. I’m laughing and laughing and she’s wiping the bubbles with a soft pink flannel and she’s smiling and smiling at me. ‘Tomos,’ she says and she’s wiping my face and she’s making my hair feel nice again. ‘Tomos, you’ve got to go now.’ And she’s putting the big fluffy towel all round me and she’s opening the bathroom door. ‘Tomos, it’s time to go.’ And I’m looking out of the bathroom and I can see Mammy’s bedroom. The door is open. ‘Tomos, Tomos.’ And there’s something on the floor. ‘Tomos. Tomos.’ It’s eyes are open and there’s red…
My head’s jumping up. It’s jumping up a bit from Miss’s shoulder. I’m on Miss’s lap and she’s rubbing my back. She’s saying ‘Tomos, you’ve got to go now. The lady’s here for you. Can you open your eyes?’
I am trying to open my eyes. They are very tired. They’re opening a tiny bit. I’m trying to see the lady that has come for me. I can see her shoes. They’re brown. I can see her trousers and her jacket. I can see her short hair. I can see her face. It’s smiley.
‘Hello,’ her smiley face says. ‘Sorry to wake you up, Tomos. I’m Danni, and I’m going to take you somewhere you can sleep for the night.’
I’m looking at Danni. I’m looking at her jacket and her short hair. ‘Are you a boy?’ I say.
‘A boy?’
‘Like in Danny, the Champion of the World?’
‘No, I’m a girl, like…’ She’s thinking. ‘Like me.’
‘Okay.’ I’m awake now. I’m getting off Miss’s lap.
‘You will let me know, won’t you?’ Miss says. ‘Where he ends up after tonight.’
‘I’ll let you know whatever I can.’ Danni’s tapping her phone. ‘I’ve got your number saved.�
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‘Oh, I forgot to tell you about his bruises,’ Miss says. Her voice is very quiet. ‘He has marks on his back and on his neck.’ I’m remembering not to fiddle with my collar. But my fingers don’t want to listen. ‘And there are some on his hand and foot, too. We went to the hospital, but thankfully they said everything looked okay on the x-rays.’ Miss has forgotten to say about the bump on my head. I have nearly forgotten it too. It’s stopped banging now. It stopped banging a long time ago.
‘Well, he’ll have a good check-up tomorrow,’ Danni says. ‘It’s better for him to get some sleep tonight.’ She’s holding out her hand to me. She has blue and green and yellow nails. They are small and sparkly. ‘Come on, we’ve got quite a drive ahead of us.’
I’m holding Danni’s hand. ‘Okay,’ I say. We are starting to go.
‘Wait,’ Miss says. She’s pulling me back. She’s hugging me. ‘Just a little hug. I don’t want to hurt your bruises.’ She’s putting her face in my hair. She’s taking a big breath.
‘Do I still smell wonderful?’
Miss is letting me go a bit. ‘You do.’ Her words sound wobbly. She’s holding the tops of my arms. I can see her face now. Her cheeks are wet. ‘Look after yourself, Tomos.’ She’s letting me go. She’s smiling a bit. ‘You’re good at that, aren’t you?’
I’m nodding. I’m nodding a bit.
Danni is squeezing my hand. ‘We’d better leave. It’s really late.’ Danni looks nice. Her eyes are smiley but I want to stay with Miss. I want to sit on her lap again and fall asleep. I want to have her arms round me like they were just now. Just now before Danni came. ‘Come on then,’ Danni says. She’s squeezing my arm. ‘We’ve got a long drive, so say bye-bye.’
I’m looking at Miss. ‘Bye-bye,’ I say.
‘Bye, Tomos,’ Miss says.
I’m picking up my truck. I’m putting it under my arm. I’m holding it tight. I am keeping it safe. I’m feeling in my pocket. I’m feeling my fifty pence and Nanno’s letter. And my sparkly label. They’re safe in my pocket. Danni is pulling my hand. She’s pulling me towards the doors and I’m going with her. We are nearly there. We are nearly going through the swingy doors. I’m looking back. Miss is sitting down on the blue chair again. She looks very tired. And very sad. I don’t like her looking sad.