by Lex Martin
He starts to say something but stops. Finally, he says, “I can explain.”
The air gets sucked out of my lungs, and anger radiates from my pores.
“See, I’m not interested in after-the-fact explanations. Call me crazy, but I tend to prefer truth in the moment.”
As if the stars are aligning to ruin my life, I hear another voice, one from both my dreams and nightmares.
“Emmie?”
Only one person on the planet has ever called me that.
Frozen in place with the fear that I might be having some kind of seizure—because why else would I be hearing Daren’s voice?—I close my eyes a beat before I open them and turn to find that Daren Sloan is, in fact, a foot away.
Standing at six three, Daren towers over me. His dark hair is hanging in his honey-colored eyes, and he’s all epic swagger and devilish charm. The boy I loved when we were kids has grown up. Of course, today is the day I wear face paint. I have two streaks along my cheekbones, like warrior marks. Awesome.
“Emmie, it is you,” he says, stepping closer to hug me, lifting me out of my seat.
I stand there, stiff. I haven’t seen him since our high-school graduation, and although I’ve been to dozens of my brother’s games over the years, we’ve never run into each other.
“You’ve gotten taller,” I say finally, which makes him laugh. “What are you doing here?”
“For once I don’t have a game or practice, so Veronica and I thought we’d catch Jax’s game,” he says motioning down to the other end of the stands. My eyes roam to Veronica, who looks willowy and elegant and is apparently ignoring the fact that Daren and I are having a little reunion. When her eyes meet mine, she gives me a small wave.
“Wow. Hell really has frozen over.” Feeling slightly lightheaded, I blink to make sure I’m not imagining this.
He laughs that self-amused chuckle that always gets people eating out of his hand. “Hey, you look seriously amazing. Damn.” He places a hand over his heart. “The girl who got away.”
Before I get a chance to respond to his asinine comment, Gavin clears his throat, and even though I’m more than pissed at him, I do the polite thing and introduce them as Ryan scoots closer to me, practically knocking over Jenna.
“Dude, I’m a huge fan.” He reaches out to shake Daren’s hand.
“Ryan, stop drooling,” I say, annoyed. For a guy who is used to being the center of attention when he’s on stage, he sure is being a fangirl right now.
“And that was an awesome game last weekend! In the fourth, when you faked it to the receiver but then ran it in for a TD from the twenty-five-yard line? Holy shit! That was insane!”
Daren studies Ryan and nods slightly. “You were the one in Clementine’s seats.”
Ryan grins, apparently excited to be recognized.
I cross my arms. “About that, Daren. You don’t need to keep sending me tickets.”
“Are you kidding?” Daren’s eyebrows furrow. “When we were twelve, you were the one who convinced me to play football. You said I had a great arm for the game when my parents wanted me to stick with baseball. I’d never be here today without you. So, sorry, you’re stuck with the tickets.”
I sigh. This is awkward. I feel Gavin’s eyes on me like laser beams, which pisses me off more. Like he has anything to be angry about. I’m not the one running around behind his back.
“Okay, well, great seeing you,” I say to Daren with a curt wave.
“I just saw your mom last weekend when I went home. She came over for dinner.” He tilts his head. “My parents ask about you all the time.”
“It’s nice that someone’s parents care about me. Mine sure as hell don’t.” Under my breath I mumble, “They named me after a piece of fruit. How much more evidence do you need?”
He frowns.
My friends, who all know the drama of Daren, are avidly watching this exchange, and now, I can almost hear the ice shift in our sodas.
“I’m sorry, honey. Our parents are fucked up,” Daren says, pulling me into another giant hug. Shit. Why does he keep hugging me? Then he whispers in my ear, “But I love your name.” Again, I keep my hands by my side until he lets go. “It’s great to see you.” With a smile, he walks away.
I can’t catch my breath because Gavin immediately grabs me. “We need to talk.”
I yank my arm away. “No shit.”
Before he can touch me again, I spin on my heel, walking down the stands in the opposite direction from Daren. My friends are a blur as I move past them, my heart in my throat as all the things I’ve wanted to say come rushing back to me.
I trudge through the parking lot, stopping next to the visiting team’s bus. When I turn around, Gavin stops several feet away from me. His head is down and his hands are on his hips. He starts to say something but stops. Raking his fingers through his hair, he exhales. “I don’t know where to begin.”
He still doesn’t make eye contact, which is so unlike him. Gavin has always been about being direct and bold. The difference in his demeanor doesn’t sit well with me. Now that the shock of seeing Daren is starting to wear off, I’m remembering all the details Gavin has been less than forthcoming about this week.
“What’s going on with you and Daren?” he finally asks, looking almost hurt.
My head jerks back in surprise. “Really?” I press my temple with my thumb as I try to stave off a headache. “I haven’t seen him in three years. That brief conversation is the totality of what we’ve said during all of that time. I don’t see what possibly could be confusing.”
Gavin looks at me like I’m lying. What the fuck?
“He calls you Emmie.”
“Was that a question?” I want to rain down accusations about his whereabouts for the last week, and he wants to talk about Daren. “When we were little, he couldn’t say my name. He and Jax called me Chlamydia a few times if that makes you feel better.”
I wasn’t trying to be funny, but the corner of his mouth lifts up slightly before his brows furrow again.
He closes his eyes briefly. When he opens them, he takes a step closer. “Look, I should apologize for this week.”
For what? For lying? For blowing me off?
His usual easygoing manner is gone, replaced with tension and fatigue. Dark circles shadow his eyes. My stomach clenches nervously. Where did my Gavin go? The reality that his lies will hurt more than I can bear right now becomes abundantly clear.
I inhale, bracing myself.
“I’m going to make this easy for you. I don’t do well with lies, so I’m not going to ask you what was so important that you had to sneak around and do it behind my back.” I once broke my mother’s Tiffany crystal jewelry box. When it shattered, pieces of glass went everywhere, standing up at odd angles, and each time I reached for a piece, I cut myself. Breaking up with Gavin will leave me injured, but it’s better than a singular fatal cut. “I told you I’m not an easy girl to date, and we’re obviously in different places, so—”
“You haven’t heard me out.” He grabs my shoulders gently. “I know this is going to sound crazy, but I need you to trust me. I need time to sort through something.”
I must have a sign on my forehead that says sucker. My face twists in disbelief. “You want me to trust you?”
“Yes, I promise I’ll explain everything. I just… I need a little more time.”
He needs time? To do what, get his story straight? To come up with a believable lie? To find someone who will back up his bullshit? I think I can feel my heart breaking. You were supposed to be different.
“So I’m supposed to believe that sometime in the near future, you’re going to give me the real reason you blew me off this week and went to Rhode Island without mentioning it to me?”
“Yes,” he says without hesitation. In his eyes, I see a mixture of longing and regret, but he doesn’t look away or otherwise indicate that he’s lying. My mouth is dry. His response to what I say next is crucial.
My heart thunders in my chest.
“Will this explanation include why you didn’t mention Angelique is your editor on the newspaper and why you were with her on Tuesday when we were supposed to be having dinner?”
His eyes dart to the ground, his arms dropping to his sides, and with that, my heart sinks.
“No? Okay, how about this one. Did you go to Rhode Island with Angelique?”
Gavin finally looks at me. “Jesus, Clementine.” He lets out a cold, humorless laugh. “What’d you do? A background check on me?”
Thank you, Gavin. That’s what I needed to let go. “Fuck you.” I brush past him, my feet crunching the pebbles beneath me. I can’t believe I’m such an idiot.
“Wait. Damn it. Don’t go.” He grabs my elbow, and I jerk away, whirling around to face him.
“You’re a dick. I stopped by the newspaper office because I missed you, not to dig up all this shit.” My heart is pounding, and I want to throw up. “You told me you’d never let anyone hurt me, but guess what? You’ve hurt me. Now leave me alone.”
Heat is welling in my eyes. I blink it back, looking away, wishing I could disappear.
“Baby, really, it’s not like that. There’s nothing going on with Angelique.” I turn to look at him, and the plaintive expression on his face tears at me. “I do a lot of stupid shit—I work too much and get preoccupied and neglect my gorgeous girlfriend—but I am not sleeping around behind your back. I swear.”
A lump rises in my throat. “If that’s true… tell me what’s going on.”
He groans. “Fuck. I can’t, but I promise I’m not cheating on you.”
“Goodbye, Gavin.” I try to walk past him, but he steps in front of me.
“Clementine,” he says, putting both hands on my shoulders. “What… what would it take for you to wait?”
My eyes are glued to our feet. I’m wearing a beat-up pair of blue Converse, and he’s wearing a black pair of hiking boots. At times like this, I always notice something mundane. When I broke up with Daren, his right shoelace was untied.
“I don’t know that I—”
“Please. What can I do to prove myself to you? That I’m not some giant asshole?”
Any other time, that would make me laugh. But not today. His hands run down my arms, and for a second I remember our nights together, our limbs tangled in the dark, and despite everything that’s happened this week, I want to hold on to him. Somewhere in my chest, he’s left an indelible mark, a traitorous piece of me I can’t get back.
“Tell me something that’s true.” My voice comes out barely a whisper. I’m not even sure I’ve spoken at all.
Gavin leans down to get me to look at him and then pulls me tighter. I can smell his skin and clothes, and I can barely stand being so close to him. “I remember you freshman year, the way you came to that first class a few minutes late and sat by the window and stared outside like you had the weight of the world on your small shoulders.” His hand runs up the back of my neck, and he grips me closer. “You were the most beautiful girl I’d ever seen. You have always mesmerized me.” His voice is raspy but reverberates with a kind of conviction that makes me shiver.
My heart is beating erratically, and if I weren’t so mad at him, I’m almost certain I’d be in love. I frown, shaking my head, before I lean up on my toes and kiss him softly. It’s quick, but I do it before I can stop myself. As I back away, one solitary tear escapes.
“Gavin, I can’t be with you until this gets resolved, until I know everything. Come back to me when you’re ready.”
That’s the best I can do.
My roommates don’t say anything as we get in the car and start the drive home. The afternoon replays in my mind over and over again.
When we get to a light, Jenna, who’s driving, turns to look at me. She’s so preoccupied staring at the sullen girl in the passenger seat that she doesn’t notice the light has changed until the driver behind us honks. She shoots him the finger.
Reaching for the radio, I say, “I never realized you had such anger issues, Jenna. That’s refreshing.”
“There you are. I was wondering who had stolen my roommate and replaced her with Magnet Girl.”
“Magnet Girl?”
“Yeah, you attract the hottest guys on the planet and then do your best to blow them off or otherwise ignore them. It’s a special power. I’ve never seen it before. You need a cape and maybe some tights.” She shakes her head. “Daren Sloan.” Then she whistles.
The desire to cry has subsided, and I’m numb. “You know my history with Daren, so it’s not like I’m going to leap for joy to see him. But he looked good. He always looks good.” I bite my lip, irritated to be talking about my ex when thoughts about Gavin and Angelique plague me.
“He is one sexy man, Clem,” Dani says as she pops her head between our headrests. She looks like she wants to say something else but doesn’t.
Jenna cuts off another driver and then glances at me. “Daren is hot, but Gavin is more rugged-looking, and I think that’s sexier.” When she checks her rearview mirror, she frowns. “You haven’t seen Daren since high school, right? Even though he and Jax are BFFs?” I nod, certain Jenna is paying close attention because this is her thing, being a matchmaker and getting into everyone’s business without invitation. “How did Daren act so casual? He didn’t seem fazed that he screwed around behind your back and the screwee, Veronica, was right there today, twenty feet away.”
“That’s rich-guy syndrome. He only feels bad for about fifteen seconds before his life resumes as though his influence in my world didn’t tilt everything on the wrong axis.”
Jenna’s eyebrows raise briefly in acceptance before her head tilts toward me.
“Okay, so please explain why Gavin looked like that.”
“Like what?”
“Like he was ready to walk through a burning building for you.”
Blinking back the heat in my eyes, I roll down the window, hoping the cold air will help me calm down.
“We’re taking a break.”
“Excuse me?”
“We’re taking a break.”
My head jerks so hard, for a second I think we’ve been hit by a car. It isn’t until Jenna pulls up the handbrake that I realize she’s driven over to the side of the road deliberately.
“Back the fuck up and tell me what happened,” she says, twisting in her seat to face me. Dani, who had tumbled backwards when Jenna pulled her guerrilla driving maneuver, tugs herself back up to re-join the conversation.
I shake my head, annoyed that I opened myself up to this. With a sigh, I recount the last week, starting with meeting Angelique at breakfast last Saturday and ending with the argument I had with Gavin. When I’m done, Jenna smacks the steering wheel with her fist.
“You can’t take a break,” Jenna says as though she hasn’t heard what I’ve been saying.
“She’s right.” Dani nods. “You’ll end up with a Ross and Rachel situation.”
My eyebrows quirk up.
“Like on Friends.” Dani says it like a question. “Rachel wanted a break, and Ross ended up sleeping with another girl because he didn’t technically have a girlfriend, but Rachel felt like he cheated on her. Breaks are always bad.”
Jenna looks back and forth between Dani and me. “I think I love you, Dani. I couldn’t have said it any better.”
It takes me a second to speak because the last thing I want to think of is Gavin sleeping with someone else.
“Look, if Gavin hooks up with another girl right now, there’s nothing I can do about it. I just can’t be obsessing over what he’s keeping from me. That shit makes me mental because of what happened between Daren and Veronica.” I start peeling the paint on my t-shirt. “This is going to sound crazy, but I don’t think he’d cheat on me.”
Fuck. I sound crazy, even to myself.
Jenna scoffs. “But isn’t that why you’re on this ridiculous break? Because you think he’s sneaking around with another girl?”
“Yes, I mean no. Yes, I’m afraid that Angelique is making the moves on him, but this is about him not being honest with me. This is about principle.”
“Your principled ass is going to lose your boyfriend and send him running into the arms of that bitch,” Jenna says, shaking her head again. “Unless, of course, you’re sabotaging yourself because you really want Daren back.”
I laugh mirthlessly. “Daren and I are so over.”
“That’s what Rachel said about Ross,” Dani says, “and then they had a baby.”
“Dani, shut up. My life is not a sitcom.”
Dani looks nonplussed, and Jenna is grinning proudly at her little protégée.
“Can we go home now?” I ask, wanting to crawl into a hole, preferably a dark one with an endless supply of ice cream.
“On one condition.” Jenna grips the steering wheel and waits for me to answer.
I blow a strand of hair out of my face. “I’m not going to send Gavin any sexts, so you can take that off the table right now.”
She snorts. “God, you know me well. Okay, sexting aside, you have to come to his show with me next weekend because there are going to be, like, fifty girls dying to get in that boy’s pants, and you need to be there to claim your territory, break or no break.”
Ugh. She’s right. Gavin is only human, and I’ve seen the groupies who come to their shows, bouncing their silicon boobs all over the place. It’s why Jenna has never missed one since she started dating Ryan. It’s why she can Out-Skank anyone via text. It’s why the things she shouts when they’re together make me blush. She aims to keep her guy happy. I gotta say it’s smart.
“Fine. I’ll go. But don’t ask me to flash him on stage or wear edible underwear or dance on the bar.”
“Omigod. Edible underwear! I might have a pair of those somewhere.”
- 22 -
Diving into work for the rest of the weekend is the best distraction, but as soon as I’m back in my room Sunday evening, I’m weepy and morose. I’ve thrown out Gavin’s dying roses, but I swear the scent clings to everything—my comforter, my clothes, my robe. I can’t escape him. I miss him so much it’s hard to breathe, but I won’t let myself give in. When I can’t take it any longer, I cry into my pillow until I fall asleep.