Irish Stories and Folklore

by Stephen Brennan

  It was at about this point that the stranger on the hireling drew level; he had not been at the meet, and Muriel turned her head to see who it was that was kicking old McConnell’s screw along so well. He lifted his cap, but he was certainly a stranger. She saw a discreetly clipped and pointed brown beard, with a rather long and curling moustache.

  “Fed on furze!” thought Muriel, with a remembrance of the foxy mare’s upper lip when she came in “off the hill.”

  Then she met the strange man’s eyes—was he quite a stranger? What was it about the greeny-grey gleam of them that made her heart give a curious lift, and then sent the color running from it to her face and back again to her heart?

  “I thought you were going to cut me—Muriel!” said the strange man.

  In the meantime the five couple and Carnage were screaming down the heathery side of Liss Cranny Hill, on a scent that was a real comfort to them after nearly five miserable months of kennels and road-work, and a glorious wind under their sterns. Jerry, the Whip, was riding like a madman to stop them; they knew that well, and went the faster for it. Sir Thomas was blowing his horn inside out. But Jerry was four fields behind, and Sir Thomas was on the wrong side of the wood, and Miss Muriel and the strange gentleman were coming on for all they were worth, and were as obviously bent on having a good time as they were. Carnage flung up her handsome head and squealed with pure joy, as she pitched herself over the big bounds fence at the foot of the hill, and flopped across the squashy ditch on the far side. There was grass under her now, beautiful firm dairy grass, and that entrancing perfume was lying on it as thick as butter—Oh! it was well to be hunting! thought Carnage, with another most childish shriek, legging it after her father and mother and several other blood relations in a way that did Muriel’s heart good to see.

  The fox, as good luck would have it, had chosen the very pick of Sir Thomas’s country, and Muriel and the stranger had it all to themselves. She looked over her shoulder. Away back in a half-dug potato field Nora and a knot of laborers were engaged in bitter conflict with the foxy mare on the subject of a bank with a rivulet in front of it. To refuse to jump running water had been from girlhood the resolve of the foxy mare; it was plain that neither Nora’s ash plant, nor the stalks of rag-wort, torn from the potato ridges, with which the countrymen flagellated her from behind, were likely to make her change her mind. Farther back still were a few specks, motionless apparently, but representing, as Muriel was well aware, the speeding indignant forms of those Miss Purcells who had got left. As for Sir Thomas—well, it was no good going to meet the devil half-way! was the filial reflection; of Sir Thomas’s second daughter, as, with a clatter of stones, she and the colt dropped into a road, and charged on over the bank on the other side, the colt leaving a hind leg behind him in it, and sending thereby a clod of earth flying into the stranger’s face. The stranger only laughed, and catching hold of the much enduring hireling he drove him level with the colt, and lifted him over the ensuing bank and gripe in a way subsequently described by Jerry as having “covered acres.”

  But the old fox’s hitherto straight neck was getting a twist in it. Possibly he had summered himself rather too well, and found himself a little short of training for the point that he had first fixed on. At all events, he swung steadily round, and headed for the lower end of the long belt of Liss Cranny Wood; and, as he and his pursuers so headed, Retributive Justice, mounted on a large brown horse, very red in the face, and followed by a string of hounds and daughters, galloped steadily toward the returning sinners.

  It is probably superfluous to reproduce for sporting readers the exact terms in which an infuriated master of hounds reproves an erring flock. Sir Thomas, even under ordinary circumstances, had a stirring gift of invective. It was currently reported that after each day’s hunting Lady Purcell made a house-to-house visitation of conciliation to all subscribers of five pounds and upwards. On this occasion the Master, having ordered his two daughters home without an instant’s delay, proceeded to a satiric appreciation of the situation at large and in detail, with general reflections as to the advantage to tailors of sticking to their own trade, and direct references of so pointed a character to the mental abilities of the third delinquent, that that gentleman’s self-control became unequal to further strain, and he also retired abruptly from the scene.

  Nora and Muriel meanwhile pursued their humbled, but unrepentant, way home. It was blowing as hard as ever. Muriel’s hair had only been saved from complete overthrow by two hair-pins yielded, with pelican-like devotion, by a sister. Nora had lost the Tam-o’-Shanter, and had torn her blue serge skirt. The foxy mare had cast a shoe, and the colt was unaffectedly done.

  “He’s mad for a drink!” said Muriel, as he strained towards the side of the bog road, against which the waters of a small lake, swollen by the recent rains, were washing in little waves under the lash of the wind—“I think I’ll let him just wet his mouth.”

  She slackened the reins, and the thirsty colt eagerly thrust his muzzle into the water. As he did so he took another forward step, and instantly, with a terrific splash, he and his rider were floundering in brown water up to his withers in the ditch below the submerged edge of the road. To Muriel’s credit it must be said that she bore this unlooked-for immersion with the nerve of a Baptist convert. In a second she had pulled the colt round parallel with the bank, and in another she had hurled herself from the saddle and was dragging herself, like a wounded otter, up on to the level of the road.

  “Well you’ve done it now, Muriel!” said Nora dispassionately. “How pleased Sir Thomas will be when the colt begins to cough tomorrow morning! He’s bound to catch cold out of this. Look out! Here’s that man that went the run with us. I’d try and wipe some of the mud off my face if I were you!”

  A younger sister of fifteen is not apt to err on the side of over sympathy, but the deficiencies of Nora were more than made up for by the solicitude of the stranger with the pointed beard. He hauled the colt from his watery nest, he dried him down with handfuls of rushes, he wiped the saddle with his own beautiful silk pocket-handkerchief. For a stranger he displayed—so it struck Nora—a surprising knowledge of the locality. He pointed out that Mount Purcell was seven miles away, and that the village of Drinagh, where he was putting up—(“Oho! so he’s the inspector Sir Thomas was going to be so civil to!” thought the younger Miss Purcell with an inward grin)—was only two or three miles away.

  “You know, Nora,” said Muriel with an unusually conciliatory manner, “it isn’t at all out of our way, and the colt ought to get a proper rub down and a hot drink.”

  “I should have thought he’d had about as much to drink as he wanted, hot or cold!” said Nora.

  But Nora had not been a younger sister for fifteen years for nothing, and it was for Drinagh that the party steered their course.

  Their arrival stirred McKeown’s Hotel (so-called) to its depths. Destiny had decreed that Mrs. McKeown, being, as she expressed it, “an epicure about boots,” should choose this day of all others to go to “town” to buy herself a pair, leaving the direction of the hotel in the hands of her husband, a person of minor importance, and of Mary Ann Whooly, a grey-haired kitchen-maid, who milked the cows and made the beds, and at a distance in the back-yard was scarcely distinguishable from the surrounding heaps of manure.

  The Inspector’s hospitality knew no limits, and failed to recognize that those of McKeown’s Hotel were somewhat circumscribed. He ordered hot whisky and water, mutton chops, dry clothes for Miss Purcell, fires, tea, buttered toast, poached eggs and other delicacies simultaneously and immediately, and the voice of Mary Ann Whooly imploring Heaven’s help for herself and its vengeance upon her inadequate assistants was heard far in the streets of Drinagh.

  “Sure herself” (herself was Mrs. McKeown) “has her box locked agin me, and I’ve no clothes but what’s on me!” she protested, producing after a long interval a large brown shawl and a sallow-complexioned blanket, “but the Captain’s af
ter sending these. Faith, they’ll do ye grand! Arrah, why not, asthore! Sure he’ll never look at ye!”

  These consisted of a long covert coat, a still longer pair of yellow knitted stockings, and a pair of pumps.

  “Sure they’re the only best we have,” continued Mary Ann Whooly, pooling, as it were, her wardrobe with that of the lodger. “God’s will must be, Miss Muriel, my darlin’ gerr’l!”

  It says a good deal for the skill of Nora as a tire-woman that her sister’s appearance ten minutes afterwards was open to no reproach, save possibly that of eccentricity, and the Inspector’s gaze—which struck the tire-woman as being of a singularly enamored character for so brief an acquaintance—was so firmly fixed upon her sister’s countenance that nothing else seemed to signify. It was by this time past two o’clock, and the repast, which arrived in successive relays, had, at all events, the merit of combining the leading features of breakfast, lunch and afternoon tea in one remarkable procession. Julia Connolly, having inaugurated the entertainment with tumblers of dark brown steaming whisky and water, was impelled from strength to strength by her growing sense of the greatness of the occasion, and it would be hard to say whether the younger Miss Purcell was more gratified by the mound of feather-light pancakes which followed on the tea and buttered toast, or by the almost cringing politeness of her elder sister.

  “How civil she is!” thought Nora scornfully; “for all she’s so civil she’ll have to lend me her saddle next week, or I’ll tell them the whole story!” (Them meant the sisterhood.) “I bet he was holding her hand just before the pancakes came in!”

  At about this time Lady Purcell, pursuing her peaceful way home in her donkey chaise, was startled by the sound of neighing and by the rattle of galloping hoofs behind her, and her consternation may be imagined when the foxy mare and the colt, saddled but riderless, suddenly ranged up one on either side of her chaise. Having stopped themselves with one or two prodigious bounds that sent the mud flying in every direction, they proceeded to lively demonstrations of friendship towards the donkey, which that respectable animal received with every symptom of annoyance. Lady Purcell had never in her life succeeded in knowing one horse from another, and what horses these were she had not the faintest idea; but the side saddles were suggestive of her Amazon brood; she perceived that one of the horses had been under water, and by the time she had arrived at her own hall door, with the couple still in close attendance upon her, anxiety as to the fate of her daughters and exhaustion from much scourging of the donkey, upon whom the heavy coquetries of the foxy mare had had a most souring effect, rendered the poor lady but just capable of asking if Sir Thomas had returned.

  “He is, my Lady, but he’s just after going down to the farm, and he’s going on to call on the English gentleman that’s at Mrs. McKeown’s.”

  “And the young ladies?” gasped Lady Purcell.

  The answer suited with her fears. Lady Purcell was not wont to take the initiative, still less one of her husband’s horses, without his approval; but the thought of the saturated side-saddle lent her decision, and as soon as a horse and trap could be got ready she set forth for Drinagh.

  It need not for a moment be feared that such experienced campaigners as the Misses Muriel and Nora Purcell had forgotten that their father had settled to call upon their temporary host, what time the business of the morning should be ended, or that they had not arranged a sound scheme of retirement, but when the news was brought to them that during the absence of the stable-boy—“to borrow a half score of eggs and a lemon for pancakes,” it was explained—their horses had broken forth from the cow-shed and disappeared, it may be admitted that even their stout hearts quailed.

  “Oh, it will be all right!” the Inspector assured them, with the easy optimism of the looker-on in domestic tragedy; “your father will see there was nothing else for you to do.”

  “That’s all jolly fine,” returned Nora, “but I’m going out to borrow Casey’s car” (Casey was the butcher), “and I’ll just tell old Mary Ann to keep a sharp look out for Sir Thomas, and give us warning in time.”

  It is superfluous to this simple tale to narrate the conversation that befell on the departure of Nora. It was chiefly of a retrospective character, with disquisitions on such abstractions as the consolations that sometimes follow on the loss of a wealthy great-aunt, the difficulties of shaving with a “tennis elbow,” the unchanging quality of certain emotions. This later topic was still under discussion when Nora burst into the room.

  “Here’s Sir Thomas!” she panted. “Muriel, fly! There’s no time to get downstairs, but Mary Ann Whooly said we could go into the room off this sitting-room till he’s gone.”

  Flight is hardly the term to be applied to the second Miss Purcell’s retreat, and it says a good deal for the Inspector’s mental collapse that he saw nothing ludicrous in her retreating back, clad as it was in his own covert coat, with a blanket like the garment of an Indian brave trailing beneath it. Nora tore open a door near the fireplace, and revealed a tiny room containing a table, a broken chair, and a heap of feathers near an old feather bed on the floor.

  “Get in, Muriel!” she cried.

  They got in, and as the door closed on them Sir Thomas entered the room.

  During the morning the identity of the stranger on whom he had poured the vials of his wrath, with the Local Government Board Inspector whom he was prepared to be delighted to honor, had been brought home to Sir Thomas, and nothing could have been more handsome and complete than the apology that he now tendered. He generously admitted the temptation endured in seeing hounds get away with a good fox on a day devoted to cubbing, and even went so far as to suggest that possibly Captain Clarke—

  “Hamilton-Clarke,” said the Inspector.

  “Had ridden so hard in order to stop them.”

  “Er—quite so,” said the Inspector.

  Something caused the dressing-room door to rattle, and Captain Hamilton-Clarke grew rather red.

  “My wife and I hope,” continued Sir Thomas, urbanely, “that you will come over to dine with us tomorrow evening, or possibly tonight.”

  He stopped. A trap drove rapidly up to the door, and Lady Purcell’s voice was heard agitatedly inquiring “if Miss Muriel and Miss Nora were there? Casey had just told her—”

  The rest of the sentence was lost.

  “Why, that is my wife!” said Sir Thomas. “What the deuce does she want here?”

  A strange sound came from behind the door of the dressing-room: something between a stifled cry and a laugh. The Inspector’s ears became as red as blood. Then from within there was heard a sort of rush, and something fell against the door. There followed a wholly uncontrolled yell and a crash, and the door was burst open.

  It has, I think, been mentioned that in the corner of the dressing-room in which the Misses Purcell had taken refuge there was on the floor the remains of a feather bed. The feathers had come out through a ragged hole in one corner of it; Nora, in the shock of hearing of Lady Purcell’s arrival, trod on the corner of the bed and squeezed more of the feathers out of it. A gush of fluff was the result, followed by a curious and unaccountable movement in the bed, and then from the hole there came forth a corpulent and very mangy old rat. Its face was grey and scaly, and horrid pink patches adorned its fat person. It gave one beady glance at Nora, and proceeded with hideous composure to lope heavily across the floor towards the hole in the wall by which it had at some bygone time entered the room. But the hole had been nailed up, and as the rat turned to seek another way of escape the chair upon which Muriel had incontinently sprung broke down, depositing her and her voluminous draperies on top of the rat.

  I cannot feel that Miss Purcell is to be blamed that at this moment all power of self-control, of reason almost, forsook her. Regardless of every other consideration, she snatched the blankets and the covert-coat skirts into one massive handful, and with, as has been indicated, a yell of housemaid stridency, flung herself against the door and dashed into
the sitting-room, closely followed by Nora, and rather less closely by the rat. The latter alone retained its presence of mind, and without an instant’s delay hurried across the room and retired by the half-open door. Immediately from the narrow staircase there arose a series of those acclaims that usually attend the progress of royalty, and, in even an intenser degree, of rats. There came a masculine shout, a shrill and ladylike scream, a howl from Mary Ann Whooly, accompanied by the clang and rattle of a falling coal box, and then Lady Purcell, pale and breathless, appeared at the doorway of the sitting-room.

  “Sure the young lady isn’t in the house at all, your ladyship!” cried the pursuing voice of Mary Ann Whooly, faithful, even at this supreme crisis, to a lost cause.

  Lady Purcell heard her not. She was aware only of her daughter Muriel, attired like a scarecrow in a cold climate, and of the attendant fact that the arm of the Local Government Board Inspector was encircling Muriel’s waist, as far as circumstances and a brown woolen shawl would permit. Nora, leaning half-way out of the window, was calling at the top of her voice for Sir Thomas’s terrier; Sir Thomas was very loudly saying nothing in particular, much as an angry elderly dog barks into the night. Lady Purcell wildly concluded that the party was rehearsing a charade—the last scene of a very vulgar charade.